Worried About My Future FIRE Life

[pb4uski]

Is my DW moonlighting as ATC Guy's DW?

You got a long haul, don't sweat it for now.. people change... if not, you learn to live with it... or not.

 

[ATC Guy]

Well, you are back with another spouse issue! Could the problem still be that you have 2 very young children and do shift work?
I'm guessing that the things she mentions do need to be done and saying your wife is incapable of "binge watching" TV all day is a slam on her. Why don't you hire a cleaning lady..then both of your could have some free time? Oh wait that would interfere with your retirements savings.

I'm going to ask you the same thing I asked last time when you were wondering if you should divorce her because she wouldn't let you "relax" when you had an 18 month old and a 6 week old baby,What is with your obsession over what you will do when you are retired in 20 years?

Let me clarify as a few people may have misunderstood me. I do not currently (and should not) relax. Ever. I have 2 young kids, trust me i dont need to be reminded that there is a lot to do, 24 hrs a day. This is the life i have chosen and i own that. I work weird hours and come home to immediately jump in to help with the kids or housework until bedtime where i crash for maybe 4 hrs a night. Then rinse and repeat.

My dreams of doing nothing and binge watching TV come from the fact that I haven't relaxed in at least 7 years. Literally. I bust my ass for my family and always will. My experience with my wife's personality comes from our pre-chikdren years of marriage and years of dating prior to that. Also just knowing the type of person she is.

You asked what is with my obsession with retirement? Did I post this on the wrong forum? Last I checked this was a forum full of people obsessed with retirement. What am I missing here?

Thank you to everyone who had actual productive comments. Your words have been helpful.

 

[ivinsfan]

Let me clarify as a few people may have misunderstood me. I do not currently (and should not) relax. Ever. I have 2 young kids, trust me i dont need to be reminded that there is a lot to do, 24 hrs a day. This is the life i have chosen and i own that. I work weird hours and come home to immediately jump in to help with the kids or housework until bedtime where i crash for maybe 4 hrs a night. Then rinse and repeat.

My dreams of doing nothing and binge watching TV come from the fact that I haven't relaxed in at least 7 years. Literally. I bust my ass for my family and always will. My experience with my wife's personality comes from our pre-chikdren years of marriage and years of dating prior to that. Also just knowing the type of person she is.

You asked what is with my obsession with retirement? Did I post this on the wrong forum? Last I checked this was a forum full of people obsessed with retirement. What am I missing here?

Thank you to everyone who had actual productive comments. Your words have been helpful.

Sorry you're upset but this says you knew what your spouse's personality type was before you married her and had 2 kids with her
Do you hope to change her somehow, or are you venting a little bit? I'm sure your spouse would say she busts her ass for your family too.
I do not think the people here are "obsessed" with retirement, it's a goal and a hope. If you haven't relaxed for one day in the last 7 years, saying you hope to relax in 20 years when you retire isn't going to help you much.
I'm not sure where you live but could you suffer with some SAD, last year your post about your wife and kids, (which is basically a rehash of this) came in December, do your feel better when the days are longer.

Your spouse and the mother of your kids is the way she is and if you don't like it you do have options..you seem angry and resentful of her which can't help either one of you.

You're an ATC and you sleep 4 hours a night..that scares me and should scares other flyers too.

 

[Silver]

Would you be willing to spend some time and money talking to a professional therapist to try and sort through some of your feelings? Perhaps just you at this point....and maybe both you and your wife down the road.


It's fine that you are posting your thoughts here, but my guess is that you have come here because there may not be anyone else you can talk to about how trapped you're feeling. (Trapped is my word....based only on a guess that this is how you feel.) Sometimes being able to verbally express some confusing and frightening issues in a safe place can help to clarify a path forward.


Just a thought.

 

[ATC Guy]

Sorry you're upset but this says you knew what your spouse's personality type was before you married her and had 2 kids with her
Do you hope to change her somehow, or are you venting a little bit? I'm sure your spouse would say she busts her ass for your family too.
I do not think the people here are "obsessed" with retirement, it's a goal and a hope. If you haven't relaxed for one day in the last 7 years, saying you hope to relax in 20 years when you retire isn't going to help you much.
I'm not sure where you live but could you suffer with some SAD, last year your post about your wife and kids, (which is basically a rehash of this) came in December, do your feel better when the days are longer.

Your spouse and the mother of your kids is the way she is and if you don't like it you do have options..you seem angry and resentful of her which can't help either one of you.

You're an ATC and you sleep 4 hours a night..that scares me and should scares other flyers too.

So your advice would be to get in a time machine and reverse my life because I have a personality conflict with my wife? Actually after reading several other people's constructive advice I feel a lot better that this is a minor bump in our relationship. Thank you very much for your "helpful", judgemental, and completely unproductive responses, ivinsfan! I'm glad I could boost you up onto your high horse.

Also thank you for providing advice about the amount of my retirement daydreaming. Especially since it is completely counterproductive and has little to nothing to do with my original question.

Lastly, if you knew anything about shift work you'd understand that sleep doesn't come well to us. The US ATC system is the safest, most efficient system in the world. And I hate to break it to you, it's full of depressed, anxious, sleep deprived people who take a very high level of pride in their work.

 

[ATC Guy]

Would you be willing to spend some time and money talking to a professional therapist to try and sort through some of your feelings? Perhaps just you at this point....and maybe both you and your wife down the road.


It's fine that you are posting your thoughts here, but my guess is that you have come here because there may not be anyone else you can talk to about how trapped you're feeling. (Trapped is my word....based only on a guess that this is how you feel.) Sometimes being able to verbally express some confusing and frightening issues in a safe place can help to clarify a path forward.


Just a thought.

Yes this is how I feel! Seeing what you wrote, I never thought of it that way. I guess I don't feel comfortable seeking a therapist. I have brought it up in the past to my wife and she acted like I was crazy. I guess right now I feel the need to be the rock for my family and feel like getting a therapist erodes that image.

I do ask these things online because I have nobody to help me think these things out. I guess I'm just stuck right now. I love my family and job. I also daydream about my future and retirement. I want to make sure I'm making all the right choices.

 

[cathy63]

Yes this is how I feel! Seeing what you wrote, I never thought of it that way. I guess I don't feel comfortable seeking a therapist. I have brought it up in the past to my wife and she acted like I was crazy. I guess right now I feel the need to be the rock for my family and feel like getting a therapist erodes that image.

I do ask these things online because I have nobody to help me think these things out. I guess I'm just stuck right now. I love my family and job. I also daydream about my future and retirement. I want to make sure I'm making all the right choices.

Does your employer (I don't know if it would be the FAA or a union?) provide an EAP? Please look into it and give them a call. Typically these programs are run by a third party and they are free and anonymous. The provider gives your employer stats about the number of calls they take, but they don't provide any identifying info about who called. These services are there to help you think these things through and identify actions you can take to make things better. There is no need to tell anyone else, even your wife, if you make use of this benefit.

 

[ivinsfan]

A little more than one year ago this topic was a 6 page thread ,where many posters,including myself ,suggested talking to a professional. Do what you want to,its your family.
Your assessment of your fellow ATC workers is somehow disturbing and dismissive at the same time. People get stressed it's not something that erodes your image.

 

[brewer12345]

Yes this is how I feel! Seeing what you wrote, I never thought of it that way. I guess I don't feel comfortable seeking a therapist. I have brought it up in the past to my wife and she acted like I was crazy. I guess right now I feel the need to be the rock for my family and feel like getting a therapist erodes that image.

I do ask these things online because I have nobody to help me think these things out. I guess I'm just stuck right now. I love my family and job. I also daydream about my future and retirement. I want to make sure I'm making all the right choices.

I have been there with the two small kids and demanding job. It is draining and grinding for years. On the flip side, after a while it gets easier. The kids get old enough to need less constant care, they can do some chores/take some responsibility, etc. Maybe you will get a break on the work stress. And so on. Its tough now, but it will get better over time and long before 20 years. Hang in there.

 

[pb4uski]

+1

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I agree it gets easier with the kids - at least the day to day care. Not having one in diapers, then not having two in diapers, then one or both in preschool, then one or both in grade school and so on until they are driving themselves to school and sports practice.

It sounds like a little down time for you now might be helpful. I used to hire neighborhood 10 - 11 year olds just to come and play with our kids. Tweens are usually too young at that age to get real babysitting jobs but 11 is old enough to play with young kids in the backyard and keep them busy with an adult at home. It would give me some time to pay bills, make calls or just have a cup of coffee. Also we used to swap babysitting nights or afternoons with friends, like we'd have four kids to watch Friday nights but then Saturday nights free. Sometimes it is easier having four to watch than two if they play nicely together because they will keep each other occupied.

 

[ponyboy]

lol...didnt realize OP opened another thread asking if they should get divorced. Sounds like the marriage is going well. That or they're doing a good job at trolling.

 

[MichaelB]

lol...didnt realize OP opened another thread asking if they should get divorced. Sounds like the marriage is going well. That or they're doing a good job at trolling.

Why don't you give it a rest, eh?

 

[FUEGO]

I'd suggest you plan on FIRE with an adequate buffer so that you can hire a maid and the occasional handyman/plumber/landscaper so you don't have to tackle all those onerous chores on your own.

Then when you FIRE you can have HIS activities, HER activities, OUR activities, and a fourth category of activities that neither of you want to undertake (outsource those). Make sure you take care of HIS activities and play a role in OUR activities.

Be proactive in planning your day or week. Nothing wrong with "I plan to do very little today. Can we go shopping for new linens tomorrow instead?". Also nothing wrong with identifying what you have to tackle during the week and spreading it out so it's not too burdensome. I don't really like doing more than 1-2 things per day.

With 168 hours in the average week, and probably no more than 10-20 hours of chores during a given week, you probably won't face more than an hour or three of work each day.

 

[bclover]

lol...didnt realize OP opened another thread asking if they should get divorced. Sounds like the marriage is going well. That or they're doing a good job at trolling.

LOL . I'd love to hear her side of the story.

Op, how about concentrating on keeping the marriage together? Seriously?
You're stressing at 29 about whether or not you'll have enough down time at 50!!

stop wasting energy.

 

[NYEXPAT]

Gonna need a flame proof suit for that one Since when is wanting ordinary household chores done "nagging". BTW I hate that word in my mind it's interchangeable with the B word.

If someone told me I had a B*itch'in Wife, I would take it as a compliment!

 

[bclover]

Let me clarify as a few people may have misunderstood me. I do not currently (and should not) relax. Ever. I have 2 young kids, trust me i dont need to be reminded that there is a lot to do, 24 hrs a day. This is the life i have chosen and i own that. I work weird hours and come home to immediately jump in to help with the kids or housework until bedtime where i crash for maybe 4 hrs a night. Then rinse and repeat.

My dreams of doing nothing and binge watching TV come from the fact that I haven't relaxed in at least 7 years. Literally. I bust my ass for my family and always will. My experience with my wife's personality comes from our pre-chikdren years of marriage and years of dating prior to that. Also just knowing the type of person she is.

You asked what is with my obsession with retirement? Did I post this on the wrong forum? Last I checked this was a forum full of people obsessed with retirement. What am I missing here?

Thank you to everyone who had actual productive comments. Your words have been helpful.

Nah, there is a difference in planning financially for retirement and try to predict what someone's personality is going to be in 20 years. Also I'm going out on a limb and say while yes, this is an early retirement site, most of us have left 29 in the rear view mirror.

Next, like many people you are suffering from "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. Most parents with little kids dream of having a bunch of free time.
lol, I was a stay at home mom to 3. there were days I was happy if I got to pee by myself.

Instead of stressing about how to get your wife to change in 20 years, why not try to plan a weekend getaway for both of you??

personally from your description of your work habits, I'd be more worried about developing serious health issues from stress.

 

[Gumby]

why not try to plan a weekend getaway for both of you??

Right on the money, bclover. ATC, you really need to get some private time with your wife. Get a friend to take the kids for two days and go off somewhere out of the way. Don't stay home, as you'll be reminded at every minute of lurking chores and responsibilities. Go to a cozy B&B, walk hand in hand, eat a quiet dinner together, and remember why you fell in love with each other in the first place. The journey is long, but you'll be happier if you arrive at your destination together.

 

[jollystomper]

TO the OP - I agree with those who say you should spend some time in the present with your wife and renew your relationship. At your age, other things - kids, job advancement, etc. - can crowd out IMHO the most important relationship you have - your wife. Really make that a priority. DW and I are both REALLY grateful that we started putting our relationship ahead of everything else - even our kids- despite all of the chaos and issues. Even though we were financially comfortable, we were slowly sliding towards a bad situation, like the proverbial frog in the boiling pot, and were lucky to catch it in time.

In terms of retirement, it is okay to dream about it, but be cautious about being "obsessed" with it. I find this forum to be full of people who certainly have a high interest in retirement, but not necessarily "obsessed" in the true meaning of the word. Planning for retirement (and sticking to that plan) is one thing, but be sure you are not so obsessed that you ignore present life - ESPECIALLY your relationship with your wife.

 

[retire2020]

After being married for 38 + years, you have a long long way until this problem comes up. She might want to do the same after working 20 or more plus years. Just wait and see would be my advice.

+1. 20 years is a LONG time and a lot can change! People sure slow down.

 

[ER-Troy]

I also worked shift-work (for 16 years), and don't recommend it to anyone. I think it's bad for your health, and hard on a marriage. You still have plenty of time to figure these things out. For now my advice would be to focus on your marriage, children, and saving/investing for your future retirement. Best of luck to you! And yes, retirement is a WONDERFUL place. I was fortunate enough to retire 3.5 years ago at age 42

 

[Jerry1]

Couple things. First, when I was 29, I wanted the house to be real cold and my wife would load up the blankets because it was too cold. Now I'm under the blankets shivering and she's kicking them off. Things change. Live more in the moment.

More important - I was a MAN and MEN don't seek therapy. Problem with that logic is that it assumes you know everything. YOU DON'T. Think of it as a life coach instead of therapy because that's what it is. There are strategies to deal with what you're going through that you've never heard of and you need to recognize that it is nothing against your manhood to recognize that and get the help you need. I presume you do not have a medical condition (mental illness), you just need a good coach. What's wrong with that? I have a golf coach. He taught me how to hit the ball better than I ever knew how. Doesn't mean I'm less of a man. It also doesn't mean I'm a good golfer, but I'm way better than I was. I started having anxiety attacks in my late 40's. That's what finally got me to seek help (advice). It was worth it and I wish I'd have done it sooner. Like I said, think of it as a coach and do it sooner rather than later.

Then, take a yoga class. With the stress you're under, you need to learn to breath correctly (yep, another type of coach). Then go to a nutritionist and learn to eat. The combination of stress and the typical American diet is terrible on the body and soul. You're the general manager of a team. Get your coaches in place and fight to win and win well. Don't just hope to drag yourself across the finish line and hope things will work out. Sorry to be trite, but hope isn't a strategy. Get in the game. It will be over soon enough. Try to get there with your team intact.

 

[Yarnstormer]

The good news for your wife is that sitting all day at age 50 is painful! You will HAVE to move!

I second the suggestion that you own some chores. My ex never did anything. When he washed dishes he would only wash the ones he used. He was not an ass, he was raised by a mom that did everything for him. He was thoughtful in other ways but def kept score. Do not keep score.
It was an amusing quirk and I could handle it energy wise until we had a child. Then you need a true partner. I remember taking the kid to the park - he stayed home to watch tv.
I did not bitch. I seethed for a long time. Then I left. At least your wife is communicating.

You need to get off your a$$ and make sure everything is done then get those kids to bed and watch a show with your wife if she can stay up.

Work now so when your kids are gone they will have seen the two of you work together as a team and will be better partners themselves. I will never forget my toddler daughter informing me that "boys don't vacuum"

I agree it's not good that your are so looking forward to retirement at your age. Maybe a career change is in order in the future.

 

[LivePassionately]

ATC Guy - I think there is not enough positivity on this thread.

You are right to worry about planning for a future that you and your wife don't agree on. However, I don't think this means you are obsessing too much or that you should consider divorce. The fact that so many people spend so much time on this board (myself included) means many of us are a bit obsessive. To me, its something we look forward to and its awesome to talk about this with kindred spirits and it can be seen as a hobby of sorts or can be seen as obsessive if one wants to label it as such. Neither is negative in my mind.

I have always wanted to retire and my wife has always wondered why (she wants to work less time now and work much longer). However, we were without the kids for a few days and did nothing but lounge and she absolutely LOVED It. After many years, this one little thing got her to change her mind and agree to my timeline so we can retire together. I think you can definitely discuss your concerns with the wife and also try to find out what's important to her and how she views retirements and her beliefs around it. We had this frank discussion and it really got through to her. I had to really dig deep to explain how I thought of things (they seemed obvious to me) and asking her the same questions helped me understand her mindset as well. You'd be be surprised to find what things she associates with it and if you can tell her why you want to do what you want to do this , it may help you two come together.

I have never done shift work but have had friends that were nurses and it was always tough for them to sleep property so its ok for you to want to dream about doing nothing. I sit in an office and I want the same thing so I think its a mentality as well for us. As others said, meditate, get some time to relax, and work on your mindset. This will go a long way. I was always restless and have learned to calm my mind a LOT over time (though still not enough) and I can tell you its a beautiful thing. PM me for some info and particulars on this if you like. I don't think you need a therapist or anything (though it may help you find a more relaxing mindset if you don't find other tools that help).

Anyways, since you seem to work so hard and find very little time to yourself, Kudos to you for being here and have the wherewithal to plan to FIRE at such an early age.