Friendships?

[imoldernu]

From the earliest days, we have all had friendships... some short term, some long term.

The question comes from our own experience. The older we get, the fewer contacts we have with those who were our closest friends. Year by year, a natural loss of those who have passed away (we're 83), but statistically, about half of those with whom we have lived in our retirement, are still alive. In just the last 30 years since we retired, we have lived in five different social circle communities, plus the previous 50 years of living... schools, workplaces etc.

As close as we were, with perhaps several hundred or more friends, the number of people with whom we maintain more than a once a year email has dwindled to a few dozen.

Of course we have many, many new friends in our current location, but virtually no contacts with primary and secondary school friends, just a few college friends and almost none from the 20+ moves since marriage.

It's definitely a factor of age, as even into our early 70's there were many cards and emails.

Wondering what your experience is... and the effect of distance and age has had on the the number of "friends" with whom you still have some degree of contact.

 

[MissMolly]

I am not good at making friends and I have exactly 0. I wish I had some friends and I know it is entirely up to me to make the effort, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am a big time INTJ and it's just really hard for me. Fortunately I have 6 brothers and sisters who are all married and we all have kids so I have a big family I interact with frequently. In fact, a bunch are coming tomorrow for our annual 4th of July pool party.

 

[CardsFan]

We still maintain a relationship with folks from our last 4 neighborhoods, over a 40 year period. Only one couple from way back then (and 1200 mile away), but many from our various neighborhoods in MO.

And then there is DW, who is still best friends with a gal she met before kindergarten almost 60 years ago, and another gal she has only known 50 years. FWIW, I consider the two husbands my best friends, so something is working.

 

[Scuba]

Since we don’t have children and we have small families who live far away, our friends are very important to us. I maintain contact with a few grade school/high school friends, one college friend, and many who live nearby that I’ve known for 25+ years. Friends are one of the major reasons we haven’t left So CA.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I am still friends with my friend from first grade and 4 from high school. Now that we are in our 60’s we see each other every 2 years despite living across the country. We have many local friends also.

 

[misshathaway]

I live in the same house my family moved in to in 1960 when I was 3. Same thing for my friend across the street who is one year younger. I would not say that we are close friends but we've seen each other at all life stages, gone through parents decline, but in their own homes. If one of us goes on vacation the other looks out, that kind of friend.

I will miss being able to look out of my front window and see her doing yard work.

 

[gwraigty]

I'd lost touch with many of my friends from childhood, but was able to reconnect through Facebook. This led to participating in a couple of class reunions and getting together semi-regularly with a couple of my closest friends. We chat regularly through messenger.

 

[Souschef]

Thank you for opening the topic, Bob. A lot has to do with geography. My sis lives on LI, and is still in contact with old neighbors, and even friends from college. IMO, that is an East Coast thing.
As soon as I graduated, I moved to the West Coast, mainly to escape that mindset.
It was not until I was in my 70's that I established a friendship.
We shared an interest in flying, and he was my copilot for a number of years. Our friendship grew from that start.

 

[NW-Bound]

I only have two friends left, and I see them once every year or two years. We exchange emails about once a year, to see if we are still alive I guess.

 

[HFWR]

After reconnecting with friends, classmates, cow-orkers from the past on Facebook, I recommend letting sleeping dogs lie...

 

[Teacher Terry]

Friends are the reason I wouldn’t move. When I broke my wrist and my husband was out of town I had so many people coming over to help. It takes a long time to build a network like this.

 

[mountainsoft]

These days my wife is my best and only friend. I have reached out to a few old friends over the years, but other than a brief "how ya doin" message or two it never went anywhere. The fact that none of them ever reached out to me kind of confirmed it was a dead end. No biggy, I generally prefer being alone anyway, and don't really have the time or desire to socialize.

I'm not a big Facebook user, but do follow a few old friends there. Honestly, after reading some of the drama in their lives, I'm glad we're not friends anymore.

 

[tps7742]

Friends are the reason I wouldn’t move. When I broke my wrist and my husband was out of town I had so many people coming over to help. It takes a long time to build a network like this.

Good for you! I was told by an Aunt, if you can count your true friends on one hand during your lifetime you are a blessed and rich person. As stated by others my wife is my best Friend and we spend time with our immediate Family for the most part.

 

[LRDave]

DW and I have come to see the whole friends thing as you have "friends of the road" and "friends".

Friends of the road are the people (co-workers, neighbors, church members, etc.) you are friendly with as you conduct you daily life. You likely know their children's names and a bit about their lives, may play golf or tennis with them, may take food to their house when there is illness or a death in the family, etc. But when life's circumstances change (mainly a move by either party), the friendship fades into the sunset.

Friends, OTOH, transcend geographical location. We have a few of those, but not many. We do both have close families in the same geographical location. We aren't isolated in our new rural-living situation. I think it is important to have (a few) "friends of the road" wherever you are.

 

[Rianne]

I think it's fair to say one can be friends with family members. I'm my DH best friend and call my SIL and DB best friends. Yet, I can share my deepest thoughts and ideas with friends outside the family easier than with a few friends I've kept in touch with from high school.

It's somehow easier, maybe less judgemental to test the waters of a new friendship with personal information. It's easier to walk away if it doesn't work out. I find immediate connection with certain people or personalities and try to stay connected. How does one define friendship? Is is a moment in time or does it have to be a long term commitment?

 

[gauss]

DW and I really value the friendships that we have made over the past 30 years or so. In our case it is probably even more important given that there are no offspring and no siblings in our lives.

It is one of the reason that I have no desire to relocate to a new home in retirement.

-gauss

"INTP - but DW says I am exhibiting 'E' characteristics in retirement"

 

[Teacher Terry]

Only one of my sons lives locally and I am very close with him and his wife. My 2 stepsons don’t live here either although the one we are close to is moving back. Not much of a relationship with my siblings either. The thing I have noticed about men is that if married they tend not to have many friends or none.

 

[jcretire77]

I still have lunch with two friends that I met in 9th grade. Though to be honest one I really enjoy time with, but the second not so much. I still meet a few friends for lunch that I worked with before retiring. It is sometimes 'fun' to hear about work and to know that I do not miss it one bit.

 

[pb4uski]

I have one friend from high school that I have regular contact with... we have lunch with his a half dozen times a year and have him over for dinner occasionally. No one from college... I talk on the phone for about an hour with my roommate for 2 1/2 of the 4 years a couple times a year. I do have a few friends from the first job after college... we do an annual bass fishing trip and I see one of them, who was my best man, more often... perhaps a half dozen times a year.

Most of the friends I see most often are post-employment from golfing... there are 5 couples (including us) who were in the same golf groups and were near to each other in the summer and in the same condo association in Florida in the winter... unfortunately, two of the guys passed on over the last couple years so it has become 3 couples and 2 widows.

I have one other classmate from high school who I have regular contact with.... we knew each other in high school but were not particularly friendly... but I concede that she is a bit of a bed hog.

 

[Dawg52]

A first grade friend of mine I still know today. He was my roommate in college and we ended up working for the same company. We were not always the best of friends throughout life as we had different interest, but stayed in touch. He retired several years after I did so we kind of lost touch for a few years. But we occasionally text each other now.

Another good friend from my childhood days moved to AZ with her family in 1970. Other than my mother staying in touch with her mom, that was the only contact we had. But 3 years ago she stumbled onto me on Facebook and we correspond that way today.

 

[FIREd]

The thing I have noticed about men is that if married they tend not to have many friends or none.

I made the mistake to rely too much on my wife and her friends when I was married and it came back to bite me in the behind when we divorced. Thankfully, I still had a few friends of my own to provide support during the hard times.

I made a lot of changes since then and I now cast a much broader net for friendships. First, I am learning to be my own best friend. Second, I rekindled relationships that I had neglected during my marriage. And third, I made new friends. My support group, which includes my close-knit family, has never been broader and I am much happier for it. Last week alone, I spent time with friends or family on 5 different occasions. In contrast, I was seeing friendly faces only a handful of time per year when I was married.

 

[FreeBear]

Nice thread! I find the extremes most interesting. Several folks are in regular contact with friends going back to even school and childhood. On the other extreme, several others have few close friends, maybe except for a spouse or immediate family.

I'm in the later camp, in that I don't have close friends except for DW. I do have several "friends of the road", a term I'm adopting from a previous poster. These are acquaintances that have been significant parts of my life for a season that are tied to a specific time and place, such as a w*rkplace or a church. I greatly enjoy their company, and they are often there at critical best and worst times in life. Still, I doubt we'd stay in touch over time if the common tie ends. For example, I only occasionally hear from 2 friends from my old w*rkplace. To be fair though, I wasn't big on after-hours socializing. I just wanted to do my j*b then get on with my life, an attitude surely contributing to my eventual FIRE.


I'm trying to enlarge my network of friends, with hope of eventually forging close friends beyond acquaintances or "friends of the road". It's difficult, in part due to my introverted nature. DW and I meet many decent, kind, and loving people at church, but I struggle to find common ground. DW and I are more active and outdoors-oriented than most folks we meet at church. My politics and ways of thinking probably clash too! Still I enjoy their company because they are such decent people.


In contrast, I've had "hobby" friends in the past or people with similar viewpoints, but it wasn't enough of a glue to form a lasting friendship. Also, just having something in common doesn't automatically make someone a decent, trustworthy, loving friends. Lets just say I've learned the hard way!


I've recently befriended a local business owner and we have coffee regularly. We get along fabulously, and I discovered he is striving for FIRE in about a decade! Just met him in the neighborhood, nothing to do with w*rk or church community. I tell him, only half jokingly, to FIRE quickly since we aren't getting any younger.


I understand why some are reluctant to move since forming strong friendships is so difficult. DW and I feel the same way.

 

[Ready-4-ER-at-14]

When young I moved from home town to college a, then to college b, then to a job.. then to college b again for a more advanced degree then to professional school d.

I would have one or two major friend at each and reestablish at next place. What with work, studies, fraternities, side jobs, dating or family stuff, not much time for anyone else.

Now at retirement still have 30+ yr friend who lives 90 miles away, and three see at breakfast friends (10 yrs) that I interact with at other times. Have a large group of social friends from dancing that we have traveled with and gone out with for activities and gone to their homes and them to ours.(7+ years)

Sort of like the song at the start of the tv show Cheers about the basement bar "where everybody knows your name". It's so nice to have places to fit into and be valued.

 

[harllee]

Ready-4-ER I love what you said about Cheers. I go dancing at a wonderful place here in the mountains of North Carolina. DH and I have made so many friends there and I am on the Board of Directors of the nonprofit that owns the place. When we walk into the dance place on the weekends we are greeted so warmly, just like in Cheers, everybody knows our name. We have made really close friends with 3 couples there that we do a lot of things with. When we miss a day of dancing our friends contact us to make sure we are OK. It is nice to know people are concerned about us.

So my advice to those who are trying to make more friends--find something you are passionate about, a hobby (like for us --dancing or it could be golf, etc) or join groups for a cause that you strongly believe and volunteer for that or join a Church and become active and make the effort and you will make friends. There are many people out there looking for friends, you just have to put yourself in a position to find those friends.

 

[Music Lover]

I understand why some are reluctant to move since forming strong friendships is so difficult. DW and I feel the same way.

I retired and stayed here where winters are miserable because of friends and family. One of my bands contains 2 long time friends...1 from high school and the other from when I was 20. I worked at the same place from age 19 until I retired at 54 and made several friends, many of them I've known for 30 years. Even though I've been retired for 3 years I still get together with former co-workers...some also retired and some still working.

We get away in the winter but neither one of us has any interest in moving and trying to make a new set of friends in our 50's.