Girlfriend of 8 yrs wants to get married...and I don't

[Nords]

What this thread needs is a poll - can you add one after you start the thread?

Spouse and I consult this board's wisdom on just about every important decision, but I'm glad we didn't do that this time!

 

[Brat]

My $0.02, she should make plans to separate and see a lawyer. She is wasting her time with you if she wants a husband.

The two of you need to figure out how each of you will fulfill your responsibilities to your children.

 

[laurence]

DW and I were 23 and 25, respectively, when we got married. You don't have to marry her, but you need to make a decision. Either commit or cut bait and let people move on with their lives.

 

[CuppaJoe]

This is an off-topic comment on the subject of off-topic posts. This thread really hit a nerve with me because I see some of the sub-topics at the office. Common Law Marriage and prenups are of general interest on this forum. I've heard that prenups are especially popular in the engineering and Silicon Valley communities. My comments on those subjects are not meant to hammer at fed but IMO good veer off sub-topics. At this time there are 153 posts and I am amazed to see that we are again directly on point! Good job.

 

[dex]

Somehow, I knew this would turn out to be a dogpile.

I'm surprised at some of the postings here also. There can be a million post asking "Do I have enough to retire." or "Should I pay off my mortgage" and there will be many well thought out replies.

TheFed; opens himself up to a group of older people (yes, I knew theFed was on the younger side from his previous posts and he is trying to change his life) looking for advise and he gets hammered by some with their agendas. I don't think it was easy to make his post and when a person is crying out for help one thing to to is not to hurt them. It doesn't motivate a person to seek out help. in their life. Another thing it does is stops the flow of info from the person seeking help just when they need to open up the most.

Withholding your judgment and offering insights or personal experiences for the person to consider is about the best a person can do on a forum. It helps if this is done in a kind and considerate manner. Be there for the person asking for help not for yourself.

One thing I've learned - "First, do no harm."

Something has changed on this board; it is less kind. I get the sense there are more people with agendas and less polite people posting here.

 

[blessed]

I never knew anything about my grandfather except that he left my grandmother and my mom in the depression to try and make it on their own. It almost killed my grandmother, my mom had to go live with an aunt as a "poor relation", my mom tried to commit suicide at 6 years old thinking everyone would be better off without her. God saved her and me and many of my family; for that I am Blessed!

 

[Texas Proud]

No, there is not a partnership (ie. marriage). They are linked by the kids, but they are not linked by law. There is an agreement, whereby she stays at home to raise the kids and he works and provides shelter and food. They are not married; his money is his, and hers is hers. They just share all the expenses in their own way. She is staying at home and he is paying the bills. How is he not upholding his end of the bargain? Because he posts on a message board that his girlfriend doesnt pay for anything I'm not following the logic.

He does share his wealth. He provides housing, food, and pays the bill. He posted here about whether to share everything via marriage. He obviously has doubts about her commitment to him, and I don't blame him for being hesitant. I would have been more hesitant about having kids, facing these issues, but that is neither here nor there.

You seem to think that you have to be married to have a partnership... I don't think so... they HAVE one... it is not marriage...

His comments on her 'free ride' tells a lot... that he thinks in money and not a relationship... and then his comments about not wanting to get married even though he said to her he did...

Let's look at it from a different side... what would you tell HER if she was your daughter and she came to YOU for advice from her dear ole dad



and Fed... none of my comments ever took in to consideration your history that you seem to think swayed a lot of thinking... I think the same way with a number of other guys I know who had the same questions... one was living with a girl for 13 years... she finally was packing up to move out because she wanted MORE... and it sounds like your GF wants more.... but again, your excuses ring hollow to me on why you do not get married... as I said, there is something else going on that you are not saying and if that is the case you should not... but don't lie to her (which if you say you are going to marry her and then back out you are lying to her)....

 

[enfp]

response to abruetime

I've messed up the quote thing, oh well...My responses are after >>>

Stop blowing out of proportion something he said. He's just saying she doesnt contribute financially to the household.
>>>In a crass manner that isn't very nice to SAHM's

For this reason, she is not entitled to the equity of the house, simply because she lives there.
>>>He didn't say anything about equity. Obviously she's not entitled to it.

Frankly, your language is unnecessarily inflammatory and confrontational, in my opinion.
>>>I'm sorry for being inflammatory. It is hard enough being a SAHM without comments like "free ride", though my DH would NEVER say that.

He never said his fiance does nothing, is lazy, isn't worthy of respect, controls her, or he beats her down.
>>>You're right,of course he didn't say that. I inferred the beaten down thing because I don't know a SAHM who thinks she's getting a free ride.

Also, could you could explain what you mean when you said "It's not your money just because you work for it." The way I see it, lacking a marriage, his money is still his money. My girlfriend was not entitled to my paychecks just because she brought me chicken soup in bed. My wife is, as our assets are our assets, both in reality and before the law.

>>>Given she is not working full time in order to stay at home with the children as THEY agreed, the money that he earns is really theirs. Maybe not legally, but morally or else she is a slave. Yes, your girlfriend was not entitled to your paycheck for bringing you soup in bed, but his is entitled to feel like it is their money since she brought his children into the world and is staying home to take care of them.

My wife has a "free ride" now, too. She's in law school, and I pay for everything. The connotation is purely financial, and does not saying anything about the happiness and non-financial contributions she brings. And as theFed pointed out in a later post, his fiance recognizes that she does not earn a paycheck, and receives financial benefits from theFed ("free" housing and food). Do you disagree?
>>I do not believe the connotation is purely financial; I think it shows a lack of respect as I stated.

And now my comments are finished.

 

[Purron]

One thing I've learned - "First, do no harm."

Something has changed on this board; it is less kind. I get the sense there are more people with agendas and less polite people posting here.

This really make me think Dex. I'm going to make an effort to be more thoughtful about what I post. Fed, I wish you a happy father's day and all the best in working through everything.

 

[REWahoo]

Something has changed on this board; it is less kind. I get the sense there are more people with agendas and less polite people posting here.

Must be the heat. Or maybe the humidity...

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

It's not the heat, it's the stupidity .

The board's civility level fluctuates or cycles. Probably one or two malignant messages bring out a piling-on effect. If we over-moderate at the early stages, it inhibits what might be good stuff to come. If we wait too long, well...

Nature of the beast.

 

[brewer12345]

I'm surprised at some of the postings here also. There can be a million post asking "Do I have enough to retire." or "Should I pay off my mortgage" and there will be many well thought out replies.

TheFed; opens himself up to a group of older people (yes, I knew theFed was on the younger side from his previous posts and he is trying to change his life) looking for advise and he gets hammered by some with their agendas. I don't think it was easy to make his post and when a person is crying out for help one thing to to is not to hurt them. It doesn't motivate a person to seek out help. in their life. Another thing it does is stops the flow of info from the person seeking help just when they need to open up the most.

Withholding your judgment and offering insights or personal experiences for the person to consider is about the best a person can do on a forum. It helps if this is done in a kind and considerate manner. Be there for the person asking for help not for yourself.

One thing I've learned - "First, do no harm."

Something has changed on this board; it is less kind. I get the sense there are more people with agendas and less polite people posting here.

I am completely unsurprised at the lynch mob that formed. Thus far, the masses here seem to have settled for pitch-cropping the fed (if you do not know what pitch-cropping was, go look it up - it wasn't nice), but I could easily see it escalating.

The general tone here has grown nastier and more impersonal in recent months, and signal:noise has been dropping for some time. I am more guarded about what I say now (believe it or not) and make more use of PMs rather than openly posting. I imagine that its only a matter of time...

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

The moderators take user complaints very seriously and deal with them fast and fair, usually by consensus so it's not just one person going off on a user. If you report a post, your name is not revealed to the offending user.

It is very hard to literally "police" every post (there are just a few active mods, though we are growing) so if anyone sees material that is nasty or escalating, please report it. We'll take it from there. It doesn't have to be porn or vulgarity: personal attacks, excessive sarcasm, etc. are fair game. True we often err on the side of letting something pass if it's borderline but once we start getting complaints from other members, we move quickly.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

 

[dex]

The general tone here has grown nastier and more impersonal in recent months, and signal:noise has been dropping for some time. I am more guarded about what I say now (believe it or not) and make more use of PMs rather than openly posting. I imagine that its only a matter of time...

Thanks for that comment. I thought as I have been home for over a month I might have been getting too sensitive or something.

 

[HFWR]

Nords,
I did a search on the topics started by Tangomonster and looked at those with "substantive; meaningful" content and some replies. There is a pattern here. Tango starts a topic; might add a trite comment - but usually none - no acknowledgment of the contributions/comments of the posters.

At the best it is impolite towards the people who took the time to post.

There is something strange about it in my mind.

I don't have anyone on my ignore list. This will be the first.

I'm surprised at some of the postings here also. There can be a million post asking "Do I have enough to retire." or "Should I pay off my mortgage" and there will be many well thought out replies.

TheFed; opens himself up to a group of older people (yes, I knew theFed was on the younger side from his previous posts and he is trying to change his life) looking for advise and he gets hammered by some with their agendas. I don't think it was easy to make his post and when a person is crying out for help one thing to to is not to hurt them. It doesn't motivate a person to seek out help. in their life. Another thing it does is stops the flow of info from the person seeking help just when they need to open up the most.

Withholding your judgment and offering insights or personal experiences for the person to consider is about the best a person can do on a forum. It helps if this is done in a kind and considerate manner. Be there for the person asking for help not for yourself.

One thing I've learned - "First, do no harm."

Something has changed on this board; it is less kind. I get the sense there are more people with agendas and less polite people posting here.

Hmmm...

 

[maddythebeagle]

Maybe it is time to lock this thread since the Fed left it days ago

 

[DangerMouse]

The personal attacks never fail to surprise me. It seems like there is always someone who can take an innocent comment and turn it around to be something that it is not. I see some of the tall poppy syndrome here, with some attacks on the more prolific posters like Nords & Brewer seemingly just because someone doesn't like them, so regardless of what they say certain people will go for the jugular.

As to Tango doing whatever Tango does, I don't really care. We are all big boys and girls and are able to make the decision whether or not to read or even respond to a post. After my relatively short time here I am able to normally ascertain from a title or the way a thread is going whether or not I want to revisit it.

What does surprise me is people who have made posts in the single digits and are new to the community who jump right in and dogpile. I am not saying you have to have a certain number of posts to be heard, but I know in real life that is not the impression I would want to make on new acquaintances.

 

[blanston]

Tell her your gay and moving to California!