A wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open". Her husband texts back: "Gently pour lukewarm water over it". Five minutes later wife texts back: Computer really screwed up now!"
It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
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WOMAN STOPS GATOR WITH SMALL PISTOL - This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.
Here is her story: While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus...the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.
Here is her story: While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus...the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
travelover
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N.F.L. Commissioner Roger Goodell
MRG
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Given the weather DW friend sent this; replace blonde with any hair color:
As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
MRG
As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
MRG
GSMAN
Recycles dryer sheets
Old married couple married 30 years are sitting watching tv in their living room. Woman stands up and slaps her husband as hard as she can in the face and sits down. Husband is shocked and asks, "what was that for
". Wife responds, "that's for 30 years of bad sex!!" Five minutes later the husband stands up and slaps his wife as hard as he can! Wife looks at her husband and asks, "what was that for??" Husband responds, "THAT'S FOR KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE!!"
". Wife responds, "that's for 30 years of bad sex!!" Five minutes later the husband stands up and slaps his wife as hard as he can! Wife looks at her husband and asks, "what was that for??" Husband responds, "THAT'S FOR KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE!!"
sheldon cornped
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Then What?
Here's the perfect joke for those on the RE fence:
Then What
American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna.
The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! then when the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!"
"Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
Here's the perfect joke for those on the RE fence:
Then What
American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna.
The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! then when the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!"
"Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
sheldon cornped
Recycles dryer sheets
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Two very senior little ladies were discussing the ravages that time had wrought on their bodies.
Said one "My arthritis has gotten so bad I can hardly grip anything, my cataracts seem to get worse every day, I have gout in my right leg and can't bend my knee and I can't hear anything.
But thank God I can still drive
Said one "My arthritis has gotten so bad I can hardly grip anything, my cataracts seem to get worse every day, I have gout in my right leg and can't bend my knee and I can't hear anything.
But thank God I can still drive
sheldon cornped
Recycles dryer sheets
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- Mar 26, 2011
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- 221
Relations
Relations
This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!"
Relations
This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!"
[FONT="]Diary Of Wisconsin & Arizona[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]Dear Diary[/FONT][FONT="]:[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]August 2: [/FONT][FONT="] Moved to our new home in Wisconsin. It is so beautiful here. The forests are so serene and picturesque. Can hardly wait to see them all covered with snow. God's Country, I love it here![/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]October 14[/FONT][FONT="]: Wisconsin is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turning and beginning to color. I love the bright shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through a beautiful forest and spotted some deer. They are so graceful. They are certainly the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise![/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]November 11[/FONT][FONT="]: Deer Season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon. I really love it here![/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]December 2[/FONT][FONT="]: It finally snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks just like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I love Wisconsin.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]December 12[/FONT][FONT="]: More snow last night. I love it. The snow-plow did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland, but pretty cold![/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]December 18[/FONT][FONT="]: More snow last night. Couldn't even get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling this stuff. Darn that old snow-plow![/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]December 22[/FONT][FONT="]:n More of that white crap fell last night. I've got blisters from shoveling this crap. I think the snow plow man hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the damn driveway, then he plows the stupid street.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]December 25[/FONT][FONT="]: "White Christmas" my busted butt! More damn snow. If I ever get my hands on the SOB who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the stupid idiot. Why don't they use more salt on the roads to melt all this ice.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]December 28[/FONT][FONT="]: Guess what? More white crap fell last night. Been inside since Christmas, every day except for shoveling out the driveway every time the "Snow Plow from Hell" comes by. Can't go anywhere, the car's buried in a mountain of frozen white crap. The weatherman says to expect another 10" tonight. Do you know how many shovels- full of white crap 10" is?[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]January 1[/FONT][FONT="]: Happy flipping New Year! The weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of the white crap this time. At this rate, it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snow plow got stuck up the road and the bozo driver had the nerve to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I'd already broken 6 shovels digging out from under all the white crap he pushes back into my driveway and broke my last shovel over his damned head.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]January 4[/FONT][FONT="]: Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food. On the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit the sucker. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those worthless deer poo-dropping road hazards should be exterminated. Wish the darn hunters had killed them all last November.[/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]May 3[/FONT][FONT="]: Took the new car to the garage in town. Would you believe the body is rusting out from all that flipping salt they dumped on the roads all winter. My car looks like a piece of crap![/FONT]
[FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]July 1[/FONT][FONT="]: Moved to Arizona! I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever move to that God Forsaken State of Wisconsin.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]July 2[/FONT][FONT="]: Saw a wonderful sunset this evening. I now understand "Purple Mountains Majesty." Why do people live anywhere but here?[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]July 3[/FONT][FONT="]: A lightning storm came last night. The sky was all lit. It was truly awesome! This morning the sky is "transparent". I can see into Mexico. Arizona is a phenomenal state![/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]July 4[/FONT][FONT="]: Now this is a state that knows how to live. Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and desert blended together, what a place. Watched the fireworks at the park laying out on a blanket. It was glorious! I've finally found my home.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]July 5[/FONT][FONT="]: Really heating up, got to 100 today, not a problem, live in an air conditioned home and drive an air conditioned car. Life's full of tradeoffs. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]July 7[/FONT][FONT="]: Had the back yard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today but I love it here.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]July 10[/FONT][FONT="]: The temperature has not been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat. At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking a little longer than I expected.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]July 15[/FONT][FONT="]: Fell asleep at poolside, got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days work. What a dumb thing to do. I've learned my lesson! I really respect the old Sun in a climate like this.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]July 20[/FONT][FONT="]: I missed Tabby, our cat, sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen to the size of a shopping bag and exploded over $2000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like kibbles and crap. No more pets in this heat.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]July 25[/FONT][FONT="]: Dry flipping heat my butt. Hot is hot! I'd be cooler living in my oven. The home air conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman wants $200 just to drive by and tell me he needs to order parts.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]July 30[/FONT][FONT="]: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1100 flipping dollar house payment and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]August 4[/FONT][FONT="]: 117 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and can only cool the house down to 90. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this stupid state.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]August 8[/FONT][FONT="]: If another butthead cracks, "Hot enough for ya today." I'm going to tear his stinkin' throat out. Arizona is hot! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are dripping wet with sweat and I smell like roasted Garfield.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]August 10[/FONT][FONT="]: The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to breathe for 2 stinking months. And the weatherman says it might really warm up this weekend. Doesn't it ever rain in the barren damn desert![/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]August 19[/FONT][FONT="]: Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 128 degrees today. Forgot to crack a window and blew the blasted windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it, and said, "Hot enough for ya today." My wife had to spend the stinking $1100 house payment to bail me out of jail.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]August 30[/FONT][FONT="]: Hottest day of the damn summer. I'm not even leaving the house. Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so the $1700 worth of my "low maintenance" cactus in the yard just dried up and blew into the stinkin' pool Even a cactus can't live in this heat! I can't cool off in the pool now! The pool is full of sharp needles and every time I attempt to clean the blasted cactus needles out of the pool filter I shred my tender hands.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]That does it, we're moving back to Wisconsin in time for deer season!!![/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]Dear Diary[/FONT][FONT="]:[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]August 2: [/FONT][FONT="] Moved to our new home in Wisconsin. It is so beautiful here. The forests are so serene and picturesque. Can hardly wait to see them all covered with snow. God's Country, I love it here![/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]October 14[/FONT][FONT="]: Wisconsin is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turning and beginning to color. I love the bright shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through a beautiful forest and spotted some deer. They are so graceful. They are certainly the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise![/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]November 11[/FONT][FONT="]: Deer Season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon. I really love it here![/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]December 2[/FONT][FONT="]: It finally snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks just like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I love Wisconsin.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]December 12[/FONT][FONT="]: More snow last night. I love it. The snow-plow did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland, but pretty cold![/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]December 18[/FONT][FONT="]: More snow last night. Couldn't even get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling this stuff. Darn that old snow-plow![/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]December 22[/FONT][FONT="]:n More of that white crap fell last night. I've got blisters from shoveling this crap. I think the snow plow man hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the damn driveway, then he plows the stupid street.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]December 25[/FONT][FONT="]: "White Christmas" my busted butt! More damn snow. If I ever get my hands on the SOB who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the stupid idiot. Why don't they use more salt on the roads to melt all this ice.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]December 28[/FONT][FONT="]: Guess what? More white crap fell last night. Been inside since Christmas, every day except for shoveling out the driveway every time the "Snow Plow from Hell" comes by. Can't go anywhere, the car's buried in a mountain of frozen white crap. The weatherman says to expect another 10" tonight. Do you know how many shovels- full of white crap 10" is?[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]January 1[/FONT][FONT="]: Happy flipping New Year! The weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of the white crap this time. At this rate, it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snow plow got stuck up the road and the bozo driver had the nerve to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I'd already broken 6 shovels digging out from under all the white crap he pushes back into my driveway and broke my last shovel over his damned head.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]January 4[/FONT][FONT="]: Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food. On the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit the sucker. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those worthless deer poo-dropping road hazards should be exterminated. Wish the darn hunters had killed them all last November.[/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]May 3[/FONT][FONT="]: Took the new car to the garage in town. Would you believe the body is rusting out from all that flipping salt they dumped on the roads all winter. My car looks like a piece of crap![/FONT]
[FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]July 1[/FONT][FONT="]: Moved to Arizona! I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever move to that God Forsaken State of Wisconsin.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]July 2[/FONT][FONT="]: Saw a wonderful sunset this evening. I now understand "Purple Mountains Majesty." Why do people live anywhere but here?[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]July 3[/FONT][FONT="]: A lightning storm came last night. The sky was all lit. It was truly awesome! This morning the sky is "transparent". I can see into Mexico. Arizona is a phenomenal state![/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]July 4[/FONT][FONT="]: Now this is a state that knows how to live. Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and desert blended together, what a place. Watched the fireworks at the park laying out on a blanket. It was glorious! I've finally found my home.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]July 5[/FONT][FONT="]: Really heating up, got to 100 today, not a problem, live in an air conditioned home and drive an air conditioned car. Life's full of tradeoffs. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]July 7[/FONT][FONT="]: Had the back yard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today but I love it here.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]July 10[/FONT][FONT="]: The temperature has not been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat. At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking a little longer than I expected.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]July 15[/FONT][FONT="]: Fell asleep at poolside, got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days work. What a dumb thing to do. I've learned my lesson! I really respect the old Sun in a climate like this.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]July 20[/FONT][FONT="]: I missed Tabby, our cat, sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen to the size of a shopping bag and exploded over $2000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like kibbles and crap. No more pets in this heat.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]July 25[/FONT][FONT="]: Dry flipping heat my butt. Hot is hot! I'd be cooler living in my oven. The home air conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman wants $200 just to drive by and tell me he needs to order parts.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]July 30[/FONT][FONT="]: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1100 flipping dollar house payment and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]August 4[/FONT][FONT="]: 117 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and can only cool the house down to 90. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this stupid state.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]August 8[/FONT][FONT="]: If another butthead cracks, "Hot enough for ya today." I'm going to tear his stinkin' throat out. Arizona is hot! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are dripping wet with sweat and I smell like roasted Garfield.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]August 10[/FONT][FONT="]: The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to breathe for 2 stinking months. And the weatherman says it might really warm up this weekend. Doesn't it ever rain in the barren damn desert![/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]August 19[/FONT][FONT="]: Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 128 degrees today. Forgot to crack a window and blew the blasted windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it, and said, "Hot enough for ya today." My wife had to spend the stinking $1100 house payment to bail me out of jail.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]August 30[/FONT][FONT="]: Hottest day of the damn summer. I'm not even leaving the house. Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so the $1700 worth of my "low maintenance" cactus in the yard just dried up and blew into the stinkin' pool Even a cactus can't live in this heat! I can't cool off in the pool now! The pool is full of sharp needles and every time I attempt to clean the blasted cactus needles out of the pool filter I shred my tender hands.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]That does it, we're moving back to Wisconsin in time for deer season!!![/FONT]
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Truths For Mature Humans
All of these are true, but #21 is the truest of them all.
All of these are true, but #21 is the truest of them all.
HFWR
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
#11 - 8am, M-F...
sheldon cornped
Recycles dryer sheets
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2011
- Messages
- 221
A Cowboy from Texas
A cowboy from Texas
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
A cowboy from Texas
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
VaCollector
Full time employment: Posting here.
- Joined
- May 12, 2007
- Messages
- 549
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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All auditors believe different things are relative and right. All registration firms believe different things are relative and right. This site is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. 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Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. This article does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat/dog(s), horses or pigs. Don't quote me on that. Don't quote me on anything. All rights reserved. You may distribute this freely but you may not make a profit from it. Unless you give me some of that profit. Terms are subject to change without notice. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time only. This article is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Not sold in stores! Your results may vary! Not responsible for any consequential or inconsequential, trivial or non-trivial, or any other kind of loss or damage that may result before or after use! I never promised you a rose garden! Available only on this web site! Use yesterday for best results! 50% of all profits donated to my cat! If you are not the intended recipient of this humor, please put on a blindfold before reading! Do not use a portable telephone while swimming! I love my wife! Look both ways before crossing! Warning - electric toaster may get hot! This document is uncontrolled if printed on paper! All words are guaranteed to be formed using only genuine ASCII characters! Send $100 Now! 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You need not be present to win. Some assembly required. Batteries not required. Instructions are included. Action figures sold separately. No preservatives added. Slippery when wet. Safety goggles may be required during use. Sealed for your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken. Call before you dig. Not liable for damages arising from use or misuse. For external use only. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading. Read only with proper ventilation. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place.
Keep away from open flames. Avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not place near a flammable or magnetic source. Smoking this article could be hazardous to your health. The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician. Articles are ribbed for your pleasure. Possible penalties for early withdrawal. Offer valid only at participating sites. Slightly higher west of the Rockies. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. Must be 18 to read. Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.). For Simon Higgs... no Elvis sightings made here. Breaking this seal voids your warranty. Close cover before striking. 80,000 km or 3 years, which ever comes first. Not legal for trade. No-one can improve on the original, but here are some to masticate. No reply is considered as accepted. Soluble in water? Do not ingest. Vomiting may occur. Local exhaust ventilation required. Dispose of in accordance with local, state& federal regulations. Immediately flush eyes for 15 minutes in clear running water. Do not induce vomiting. (May occur anyway) Seek medical attention immediately. Keep sealed to prevent drying or moisture loss. Use care to avoid falls. Store upright. Contact your System Administrator (SysAdmin). Refrigerate after opening.
Other restrictions may apply.
This supersedes all previous notices.
All auditors believe different things are relative and right. All registration firms believe different things are relative and right. This site is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Push down while squeezing top. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool. process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Don't even think of parking here. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. This article does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat/dog(s), horses or pigs. Don't quote me on that. Don't quote me on anything. All rights reserved. You may distribute this freely but you may not make a profit from it. Unless you give me some of that profit. Terms are subject to change without notice. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time only. This article is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Not sold in stores! Your results may vary! Not responsible for any consequential or inconsequential, trivial or non-trivial, or any other kind of loss or damage that may result before or after use! I never promised you a rose garden! Available only on this web site! Use yesterday for best results! 50% of all profits donated to my cat! If you are not the intended recipient of this humor, please put on a blindfold before reading! Do not use a portable telephone while swimming! I love my wife! Look both ways before crossing! Warning - electric toaster may get hot! This document is uncontrolled if printed on paper! All words are guaranteed to be formed using only genuine ASCII characters! Send $100 Now! Life is hazardous to your health! Sign up now for our anti-drug prevention program! Our tests show that about half of all results are above average! Remove windscreen cover before driving! Our quality policy includes the words 'six' and 'sigma'! Call in the next five minutes before something happens! Not valid with this or any other offer! Caveat emptor. Article is provided "as is" without any warranties. Reader assumes full responsibility. An equal opportunity article. No shoes, no shirt, no articles. quantities are limited while supplies last. If any defects are discovered, do not attempt to read them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. Read at your own risk. No right turn on red. Parental advisory - explicit lyrics. Text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised. Keep away from sunlight. Keep away from pets and small children. Limit one-per-family please. No money down. No purchase necessary. You need not be present to win. Some assembly required. Batteries not required. Instructions are included. Action figures sold separately. No preservatives added. Slippery when wet. Safety goggles may be required during use. Sealed for your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken. Call before you dig. Not liable for damages arising from use or misuse. For external use only. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading. Read only with proper ventilation. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place.
Keep away from open flames. Avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not place near a flammable or magnetic source. Smoking this article could be hazardous to your health. The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician. Articles are ribbed for your pleasure. Possible penalties for early withdrawal. Offer valid only at participating sites. Slightly higher west of the Rockies. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. Must be 18 to read. Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.). For Simon Higgs... no Elvis sightings made here. Breaking this seal voids your warranty. Close cover before striking. 80,000 km or 3 years, which ever comes first. Not legal for trade. No-one can improve on the original, but here are some to masticate. No reply is considered as accepted. Soluble in water? Do not ingest. Vomiting may occur. Local exhaust ventilation required. Dispose of in accordance with local, state& federal regulations. Immediately flush eyes for 15 minutes in clear running water. Do not induce vomiting. (May occur anyway) Seek medical attention immediately. Keep sealed to prevent drying or moisture loss. Use care to avoid falls. Store upright. Contact your System Administrator (SysAdmin). Refrigerate after opening.
Other restrictions may apply.
This supersedes all previous notices.
Questions:
1) what do you call one hundred rabbits in a row, walking backwards?
2) what do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
3) what do you call fake noodles?
Answers:
1) receding hairline
2) eleph-ino
3) impastas
1) what do you call one hundred rabbits in a row, walking backwards?
2) what do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
3) what do you call fake noodles?
Answers:
1) receding hairline
2) eleph-ino
3) impastas
At an Irish wedding the men were asked to stand next to the one person who made their lives worth living. The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
ls99
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- May 2, 2008
- Messages
- 6,506
What is fifference between an elderly eccentric gentleman and an old fool?
Money.
Money.
brewer12345
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2003
- Messages
- 18,085
I have no idea why, but this was printed in the Money magazine that arrived in today's mail. It is supposed to be a comment on a previous issue made on their website. My guess is that the editor's are completely unfamiliar with www.urbandictionary.com because otherwise there is no way they would have printed "taint smasher" in their magazine:
Attachments
Chuckanut
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Brewer123435 gets Money magazine?!?!?! Will wonders never cease?
Chuckanut
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Oh, I thought the joke was that Brewer 12345 get's Money magazine!!! Maybe a crazy relative subscribed for him?
brewer12345
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2003
- Messages
- 18,085
It was free with a Sunday-only subscription to the local paper. I would not actually pay for this taint-smashing rag.
- Status
