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Old 06-07-2011, 10:13 AM   #2681
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Looks like he just finagled his first promotion...
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Old 06-13-2011, 03:01 PM   #2682
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1. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some really good ideas.

2. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

3. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

4. If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

5. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

6. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

7. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

8. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

9. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

10. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

11. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.


12. I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

13. Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

14. Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

15. I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

16. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

17. Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind."
What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.

18. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

19. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

20. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

21. Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

22. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

23. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

24. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

25. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

26. What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?
And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.

27. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

28. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

29. If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

30. When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

31. I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

32. Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

33. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

34. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

35. Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

36. Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

37. If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

38. One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

39. If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

40. Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

41. I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

42. If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

43. The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."


....by Jack Handey.
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Old 06-13-2011, 09:48 PM   #2683
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Sounds a lot like the great Mitch Hedberg:

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.


I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
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Old 06-13-2011, 10:09 PM   #2684
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A man walks up to LeBron James and asks for change for a dollar. LeBron gives the man 75 cents and says, "Sorry, I don't have a fourth quarter."
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Old 06-14-2011, 05:04 PM   #2685
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It is a little-known fact that the four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 120 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted recognition for their invention by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Henry Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

True to his word, to this day all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
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Old 06-14-2011, 06:04 PM   #2686
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............True to his word, to this day all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
Very educational. I can't wait to hear about the Pryndl brothers.
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Old 06-14-2011, 08:17 PM   #2687
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Very educational. I can't wait to hear about the Pryndl brothers.
I think that's way too subtle for all but the most hard-core "gear"heads...
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Old 06-14-2011, 10:31 PM   #2688
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A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
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Old 06-15-2011, 08:30 AM   #2689
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I think that's way too subtle for all but the most hard-core "gear"heads...
I got it (not a gearhead), but I'm trying to figure out the "Y".
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Old 06-15-2011, 09:26 AM   #2690
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I got it (not a gearhead), but I'm trying to figure out the "Y".
Needed a vowel.
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Old 06-15-2011, 03:02 PM   #2691
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I remember Mrs Douglas (Eva Gabor) on Green Acres always referred to a PRNDL when explaining her latest driving adventure. She also had her own incorrect definitions for each letter.
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Old 06-15-2011, 03:09 PM   #2692
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"Oh yes, my husband has a pernundel on his car too."
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Old 06-16-2011, 06:31 PM   #2693
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(This joke works with whatever occupational groups you like.)

A police officer, a firefighter, and a lawyer were in a country bar. This bar allowed dogs inside and all three had their dogs with them. In the normal course of events the conversation turned to who had the most talented dog.

The police officer said “I’ll show you what my dog can do”.

“Nightstick! Up on the bar, bud!”

Nightstick jumps up and over the bar, reaches into the freezer, gets a frosted mug, pulls a draft beer, sets the beer on the bar, and sits down.

The lawyer said “That’s nothing. Watch what my dog can do.”

“Lawsuit! Up on the bar, bud!”

Lawsuit jumps up and over the bar, mixes up a strawberry daiquiri, sets the drink on the bar, and sits down.

The firefighter says “You guys think that’s something? I’ll show you a firefighter’s dog!

“Hoseline! Up on the bar, bud!”

Hoseline jumps up on the bar, drinks down the draft beer, drinks down the strawberry daiquiri, jumps down, screws the other two dogs, then goes over to the pay phone and calls in sick.
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Old 06-18-2011, 08:21 AM   #2694
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DW has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get back all her clothes.
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Old 06-18-2011, 08:43 AM   #2695
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Does your chewing gum loose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
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Old 06-18-2011, 02:37 PM   #2696
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Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbor.

Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

Nazism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes the cows.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
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Old 06-18-2011, 02:43 PM   #2697
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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ...... I'm telling everybody!'
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Old 06-19-2011, 04:09 PM   #2698
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The Top Ten Lies Told By Graduate Students

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.

9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/article/chapter.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

7. I would never date an undergraduate.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

4. I just have to read one more book and then I'll start writing my thesis

3. The department is giving me so much support.

2. My job prospects look really good.

1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
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Old 06-19-2011, 10:59 PM   #2699
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Old 06-20-2011, 09:36 AM   #2700
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meh.ro Blog Archive Low budget X-MEN

Super-Mutant powers on the cheap!
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