It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Car-Guy]

Little Billy was having trouble in school. His teacher constantly yelled at him; “You’re driving me crazy, Billy! Can’t you learn anything”
Billy’s mother met with his teacher at Fall conferences.
The teacher told her Billy was a disaster, getting the lowest marks of any of her students and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant little boy in all of her teaching career. Billy’s mom, shocked at this feedback, withdrew her son immediately and moved from Detroit to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with severe cardiac disease.
Her doctors advised open heart surgery and that only one surgeon in the Cleveland Clinic could perform the procedure. The teacher decided to have the procedure, which was remarkably successful at the Cleveland Clinic. In the recovery room, she saw the young doctor who headed her surgical team, smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him.

Instead, her face suddenly turned blue as she tried to speak and then she quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went suddenly wrong. When the doctor turned to leave the room, he saw that Billy, the janitor at the Cleveland Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.


If you thought that Billy had become the heart-surgeon, then you’ve been reading too many inspirational stories.

 

[Jeb-NY]

Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death.

He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned".

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so" said the foreman "He got out three times to go to the men's room".

 

[Nemo2]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'



The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.



The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, 'They're bells.’
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.



The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and

finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize? ’



The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

 

[REWahoo]

Another negative ramification of Covid

...

 

[Car-Guy]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.


Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

 

[ArmchairMillionaire23]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.


Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

Speaking of lawyer jokes...
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
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There's skid marks in front of the skunk.

 

[Car-Guy]

A lawyer called all the people mentioned in the will of a rich man so they could all be in attendance at the formal reading.
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as the good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me all the time, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"

 

[Car-Guy]

MENSA IQ Test Ok, maybe not technically a joke, but fun...

Answers appear after the questions at the bottom of this post... SO NO CHEATING!!!

And for the joke: I was able to answer all of them without looking ahead.... And I even got several of them correct.


1. The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible?
3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers, he defeated them and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership. World War I. From the Men of Battalion 8." Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don't expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the story?
6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth?
7. In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year?
8. A woman from New York married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died, and she never divorced. How was this possible?
9. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills?
10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
11. How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.
12. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?
13. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
14. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
15. There were an electrician and a plumber waiting in line for admission to the International Home Show," One of them was the father of the other's son. How could this be possible?
16. After the new Canon Law that took effect on November 27, 1983, would a Roman Catholic man be allowed to marry his widow's sister?
17. How many outs are there in an inning?
18. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the Ark?
19. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?
20. A farmer has 17 sheep and all but 9 die. How many are left?













ANSWERS
1. A coffin.
2. The child was born before 1776.
3. Mount Everest (it just hadn't been discovered).
4. Clara lives in the southern hemisphere.
5. World War I wasn't called "World War I" until World War II.
6. The word "and".
7. They fall in the same year every year. New Year's Day justarrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year.
8. The lady was a Justice of the Peace.
9. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.
10. Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.
11. "one word"
12. Penguins live in the Antarctic.
13. Neither. The yolk of the egg is yellow.
14. You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg.
15. They were husband and wife.
16. No. A dead man can marry no one.
17. Six . Three in each half of the inning.
18. Moses took no animals. It was Noah on the Ark.
19. Meat.
20. Nine.

 

[Car-Guy]

Last one for today!


Somehow 2020 makes about this much sense.......

 

[Car-Guy]

Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.

Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Jon says, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"

"I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.

The doctor asks Dan, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"

Dan says, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?"

"I'd be completely blind."

"Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor.

"Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

 

[Car-Guy]

(The next few jokes may be older re-post)



The human race is doomed through stupidity

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) - 'Do not turn upside down.'
On Sainsbury's Peanuts - 'Warning: contains nuts'
On Boot's CHILDREN Cough Medicine - 'Do not drive or operate machinery after taking this medication'
On Mark's & Spencer Bread Pudding - 'Product will be hot after heating'
On a Sears hairdryer - Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos - 'You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.'
On a bar of Dial soap - 'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
On some Swanson Frozen dinners - 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
On packaging for a Rowenta iron - 'Do not iron clothes on body.'
On Nytol Sleep Aid - 'Warning: May cause drowiness.'
On most brands of Christmas lights - 'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
On a Japanese food processor - 'Not to be used for the other use'
On an American Airlines packet of nuts - 'Instructions:Open packet, eat nuts.'
On a child's Superman costume - 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'​

 

[Car-Guy]

The military commander had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from the enemy. So, he summoned a corporal. I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of a military activity.

The corporal trudged up the mountain. As soon as he crossed the ridge, he saw a squadron of planes heading their way.

Sir, there are many planes coming, he promptly radioed back.

Friends or enemies, the commander demanded urgently.

The corporal again lifted his binoculars to the sky. They're flying very closely together, he replied. I think they must be friends.

 

[Car-Guy]

Top 50 OXYMORONS


50. Act naturally
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works

 

[Chuckanut]

A lawyer dies and somehow ends up in heaven. St. Peter greets him and tells him that a huge parade is being thrown in his honor with multiple marching bands, Angels flying about, floats, beautiful women smiling and waving, and plenty of balloons. After the parade there will be a huge banquet in his honor.

He asks St. Peter, "Why the big celebration? After all I'm a lawyer. I thought I would end up in Hell."

St. Peter tells him that he is the oldest person to ever make it to heaven. He is even older than all those old testament persons who lived for hundreds of years. The lawyer, not wanting to risk being booted out of heaven, says that to be honest he is only 68 years old.

St. Peter replies, "Don't be so modest. Remember we have the record for your entire life and we have reviewed every detail. Anybody with your billable hours must be well over 1000 years old."

 

[Car-Guy]

^^^^^^^

 

[Car-Guy]

A little gross for me but you may find it funny

 

[Car-Guy]

Until 2020 who would have asked such a question

 

[Car-Guy]

Speaks for itself, absolutely no additional comments are needed!

 

[Car-Guy]

Last one for today!


I don’t mean to be a Christmas grinch however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red and Blue flashing lights together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my beer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

 

[Car-Guy]

A recent thread about car repairs made me think about posting these.


1. A guy walks into an auto shop and says, "I'd like a gas ca p for my KIA."
The car mechanic thinks for a few seconds then says, "Ok, that seems like a fair trade."

2. A man applies for a job as mechanic. The boss says, "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?"
The mechanic nods, confused.
"Can you play lightsaber with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?"
"Oh yes," says the mechanic.
"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?"
"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be mechanic.
"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that already!" says the boss.

3. So a jumper cable goes into a bar and the bartender says," I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

5. Why did the truck driver drive his truck off the cliff? He wanted to try out the air brakes.

6. Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

7. A teenage boy tells his father, "Dad, there's trouble with the car, it has water in the carburetor." The father looks confused and says, "Water in the carburetor, that's ridiculous!" But the son insists. "I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor." His father, starting to get a little nervous, says "You don't even know what a carburetor is.... but I will check it out. Where is the car?""In the pool," replies the son.​

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

This marriage must not have been a "match made in heaven"

 

[Car-Guy]

Might work today!

 

[Car-Guy]

Quick thinking.....


Driving the other day, I stopped to pickup a hitchhiker by the
side of the road. As he got in, he seemed nice enough.
Then, after driving together for a few miles, he asked me if I
wasn't afraid he might be a serial killer.
I thought for a moment, then commented that I figured the odds
were pretty small there would be two serial killers in the same car.

 

[Car-Guy]