It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
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TromboneAl
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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I thought of that too.
keegs
Recycles dryer sheets
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The newlywed couple settle in the honeymoon suite. They open a bottle of champagne, take a sip, embrace and kiss passionately. She pushes him away, smiles coyly, and reaches for her sheer, wedding-night nighty.
She led a sheltered life and they enjoyed no premarital intimacy. Slightly embarrassed, she steps into the bathroom to change – and locks the door. He waits patiently, knowing it’s only a few more minutes after so many years of waiting. He pours himself a glass of champagne and lets his imagination run free.
After a quarter hour has passed she is still changing, when she hears a gentle “tap tap tap’ on the door. She answers – “yes, my dear?” He responds – “my darling, I just wanted to make sure you were all right”. She answers “my sweet, I will join you shortly”.
He pours himself another glass of champagne and another quarter hour passes. He is now becoming quite anxious. Now she hears a strong “knock knock knock” on the bathroom door. “Yes, my love?” She says. With a deep voice he says “I love you so and am anxious to consummate our marriage”. She sighs, then responds “I'm almost ready”.
He finishes the champagne as another half hour flies by. He stands, wobbly, and staggers toward the bathroom door. Inside, she hears “thump, thump, thump”. She jumps, a bit frightened, and says “yes, my everlasting love, what do you want?”. Quite throatily he responds, “I’m need you right now and can’t wait to get to bed. Why are you still in the bathroom after more than an hour?”
With a weak and fluttering voice she responds “my dear, it’s just that I’m nervous”
He snorts. “Nervous? If you think you’re nervous now, just wait ‘till you see what I’m knocking on the door with...”
She led a sheltered life and they enjoyed no premarital intimacy. Slightly embarrassed, she steps into the bathroom to change – and locks the door. He waits patiently, knowing it’s only a few more minutes after so many years of waiting. He pours himself a glass of champagne and lets his imagination run free.
After a quarter hour has passed she is still changing, when she hears a gentle “tap tap tap’ on the door. She answers – “yes, my dear?” He responds – “my darling, I just wanted to make sure you were all right”. She answers “my sweet, I will join you shortly”.
He pours himself another glass of champagne and another quarter hour passes. He is now becoming quite anxious. Now she hears a strong “knock knock knock” on the bathroom door. “Yes, my love?” She says. With a deep voice he says “I love you so and am anxious to consummate our marriage”. She sighs, then responds “I'm almost ready”.
He finishes the champagne as another half hour flies by. He stands, wobbly, and staggers toward the bathroom door. Inside, she hears “thump, thump, thump”. She jumps, a bit frightened, and says “yes, my everlasting love, what do you want?”. Quite throatily he responds, “I’m need you right now and can’t wait to get to bed. Why are you still in the bathroom after more than an hour?”
With a weak and fluttering voice she responds “my dear, it’s just that I’m nervous”
He snorts. “Nervous? If you think you’re nervous now, just wait ‘till you see what I’m knocking on the door with...”
keegs
Recycles dryer sheets
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NW-Bound
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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- Jul 3, 2008
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- 35,712
How does one prove that all odd integers are prime?
Economist: "What is the utility of that knowledge? Who cares! Let's talk about something more interesting, like the prime rate..."
Trial Lawyer: "3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. From this preponderance of evidence, we must conclude that all odd numbers are prime."
Physicist: "3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is .... oops, an experimental error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime..."
Economist: "What is the utility of that knowledge? Who cares! Let's talk about something more interesting, like the prime rate..."
Trial Lawyer: "3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. From this preponderance of evidence, we must conclude that all odd numbers are prime."
Physicist: "3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is .... oops, an experimental error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime..."
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Not a joke, but funny nontheless
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NW-Bound
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2008
- Messages
- 35,712
A swordmanship club was having a public demonstration.
The 3rd ranking swordman took the stage first. At the end of a drum roll, he nodded to a stage assistant, who released a housefly. The swordman quickly drew his blade. "Whoosh". The house fly fell down to the ground, neatly bisected. The crowd broke into a loud applause.
The 2nd ranking swordman took the stage next. At the end of the drum roll, when another housefly was released, he drew his sword. "Whoosh... Whoosh". As quickly as his sword was drawn, it was returned to its sheath before the spectators even realized what happened.
The 2nd fly dropped to the ground, dissected into 4 pieces!
The crowd went wild. After a long applause and a standing ovation, the MC had to remind the audience to quiet down, in preparation for the appearance by the champion who had yet to perform.
When our champion took the stage, it was so quiet even a watcher in the back row could hear the buzz of the fly as it was released... "Whoosh".
The 3rd fly...
...flew away!
After a second or two of silent atonishment, the crowd broke into jeers and catcalls. After a minute or two of that brouhaha, the MC had to quiet down the crowd in order to invite the champion to the microphone to explain himself.
"What happened?", the MC asked.
Our champion, still smiling and exuding self-confidence, replied:
"The fly still lives as you can see, yes."
"But if you capture it for examination, you will see that it can never become a father."
The 3rd ranking swordman took the stage first. At the end of a drum roll, he nodded to a stage assistant, who released a housefly. The swordman quickly drew his blade. "Whoosh". The house fly fell down to the ground, neatly bisected. The crowd broke into a loud applause.
The 2nd ranking swordman took the stage next. At the end of the drum roll, when another housefly was released, he drew his sword. "Whoosh... Whoosh". As quickly as his sword was drawn, it was returned to its sheath before the spectators even realized what happened.
The 2nd fly dropped to the ground, dissected into 4 pieces!
The crowd went wild. After a long applause and a standing ovation, the MC had to remind the audience to quiet down, in preparation for the appearance by the champion who had yet to perform.
When our champion took the stage, it was so quiet even a watcher in the back row could hear the buzz of the fly as it was released... "Whoosh".
The 3rd fly...
...flew away!
After a second or two of silent atonishment, the crowd broke into jeers and catcalls. After a minute or two of that brouhaha, the MC had to quiet down the crowd in order to invite the champion to the microphone to explain himself.
"What happened?", the MC asked.
Our champion, still smiling and exuding self-confidence, replied:
"The fly still lives as you can see, yes."
"But if you capture it for examination, you will see that it can never become a father."
Five important qualities in a woman:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
keegs
Recycles dryer sheets
EXPLANATION: A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-"), is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even when you wish they were.
Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even when you wish they were.
Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
kcowan
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Testing by quoting the bad post.
Last edited by a moderator:
RonBoyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
And again, I (apparently) have no control over the sizing of this image -- i.e., No "Yellow Bar" to be found anywhere.
kcowan
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
The bug seems to be in stringing small pictures together across the page. It worked well when I composed the reply, forcing the pictures into a vertical stack. But then it repeated the earlier error when I finalized the post. Very irritating.
Elderdude
Recycles dryer sheets
A 77-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Bob, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and with God?"
Bob replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to take a pee, poof, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bobs wife. "Ginger," he says, "Bob is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when Bob gets up during the night to pee, and, poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?"
"OH HELL!" Ginger exclaims, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Bob replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to take a pee, poof, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bobs wife. "Ginger," he says, "Bob is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when Bob gets up during the night to pee, and, poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?"
"OH HELL!" Ginger exclaims, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Bestwifeever
Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2007
- Messages
- 17,774
The bug seems to be in stringing small pictures together across the page. It worked well when I composed the reply, forcing the pictures into a vertical stack. But then it repeated the earlier error when I finalized the post. Very irritating.
I went in and did a moderator edit to stack the photos in both the original post and in kcowan's quote of it--I think that worked?
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled. IT REALLY WORKS
BigNick
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
(I hope nobody finds this objectionable; if so, moderator please edit.)
So, this Japanese guy goes into a bank with a 10,000 Yen bill to change. The rather bored-looking teller pushes $90 back at him without saying a word.
Two days later, the Japanese guy is back, with another 10,000 Yen bill. He gets the same teller, who pushes $85 back at him, again without saying a word.
"Hey", says the Japanese guy, "How come I got $90 the other day and only $85 today"?
The teller sighs, chews his gum a bit, and drawls, "Fluctuations".
"Yeah, right", says the Japanese guy, "Fluck you Americans too!".
So, this Japanese guy goes into a bank with a 10,000 Yen bill to change. The rather bored-looking teller pushes $90 back at him without saying a word.
Two days later, the Japanese guy is back, with another 10,000 Yen bill. He gets the same teller, who pushes $85 back at him, again without saying a word.
"Hey", says the Japanese guy, "How come I got $90 the other day and only $85 today"?
The teller sighs, chews his gum a bit, and drawls, "Fluctuations".
"Yeah, right", says the Japanese guy, "Fluck you Americans too!".
kcowan
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
FWIW my browser is now displaying it properly. I did everything they suggested and restarted the browser with no effect but today it is working correctly!The bug seems to be in stringing small pictures together across the page. It worked well when I composed the reply, forcing the pictures into a vertical stack. But then it repeated the earlier error when I finalized the post. Very irritating.
Is anyone else mystified at the way some of those "Report software quirks here" posts have appeared in this thread instead?
vicente solano
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- May 21, 2009
- Messages
- 1,116
kcowan
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Yeah it seems to be ground zero for where the bug showed up. But now its gone. And so am I...
calmloki
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Viagra Head Offices? Surely not....
I was talking with an Irishman named Paddy about going on holidays. He told me that next time he goes on holidays he will do something different. I said "What do you mean by different?"
He replied "Well, three years ago I went to Tahiti and Molly got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Vanuatu and blow me down, Molly got pregnant again! Last year I went to New Zealand and you'd never guess... yes, Molly once again got pregnant!"
I said "Well, what are you going to do that's different?"
Paddy said "This time I'm going to take Molly with me!!
He replied "Well, three years ago I went to Tahiti and Molly got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Vanuatu and blow me down, Molly got pregnant again! Last year I went to New Zealand and you'd never guess... yes, Molly once again got pregnant!"
I said "Well, what are you going to do that's different?"
Paddy said "This time I'm going to take Molly with me!!
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