It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
 
Investigations found this to be a hoax. According to snopes.com, the wording "The Advertising Archives" located on the right side of the image suggests a fraud, since the Archives itself was not started until 1990....
Click to expand...

Darn. You can't count on the Internet for anything.

I ran across this "info" before, but did not think of checking out its veracity.

PS. But of course, Snopes is also on the Internet. :)
 
ERD50 said:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Good_Wife%27s_Guide

But is it really so bad? I mean, if we accept the premise that the husband was the "breadwinner", and the wife was a "stay at home Mom (or not even a Mom)", then why shouldn't she be working hard to have everything nice for him when he gets home, if he spent his day working hard so she could have nice things?

OK, I read further, and some of them are way over the top (you have no right to question him, he's always right!)? Hah!


-ERD50
Click to expand...

Sheesh. Afraid to check Snopes and find out if Walt34's tale is also bogus:

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A CANADIAN GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.


The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
__________________
 
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess
horror movie?

A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.
 
Golf

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf If you find you do not mind playing in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip..... your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all your game really stinks! If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

SENIOR'S DAY AT THE COURSE!

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.

#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#07... Foursomes are encouraged.

#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#05... Three times a day is possible.

#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else

#03... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.

#02...... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex...

#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!:cool:
 
aja8888 said:
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...



#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.



#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.



#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.



#07... Foursomes are encouraged.



#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.



#05... Three times a day is possible.



#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else



#03... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.



#02...... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.



And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex...



#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!:cool:
Click to expand...


This reminds me of why I used to love Dave Letterman. Later in his career, everything he talked about seemed to be political (and slanted in only one direction) and I couldn’t stand to watch him.
 
A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife

Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"

Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"
 
Alexander Stephens, a Congressman from Georgia, was a sickly man who weighed less than 100 lbs, despite being 5'7" tall.

Once, a political opponent said in anger "Why, you pipsqueak, I could eat you without much trouble".

To that, Stephens replied "In that case, you would end up with more brain in your stomach than in your head".
 
Found online:

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
 
Anyone know what this is?
 

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Exercise For Seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems easy, so we're passing it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, then hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10 lb. potato sacks. Then 50 lb. potato sacks and, eventually, try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful ...
 
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."
 
Secrets to Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,




Then You Are Probably

The Family Dog!
 
Rewahoos octo Pi is actually eye lash for car headlights.
 
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