Why is Socializing Tiring for Introverts?

[TromboneAl]

What is it about pain that makes it hurt? It just does.

While it may be relatively easy to come up with examples of the introversion/extroversion phenomenon, I believe it is difficult to know exactly "why" introverts become exhausted in social situations. Evolution? Genetics? Social upbringing? They just do.

Well, I know exactly why pain hurts (inflammation, pain receptors, evolutionary need to treat/avoid painful things, blah, blah), and that understanding helps me treat it (aspirin, rest, etc.). A better understanding of exactly what is tiring in social situations, could possibly make the situation better.

For example, how many of you feel a responsibility to keep the conversation going? I often have to tell myself that it's not my job to fill in the lulls; that's a tiring responsibility. I'm actually pretty good at it, but that doesn't make it fun.

Also, I don't think that, for me at least, it's an inability to read subtle social cues. I think I'm too good at that. I notice when someone moves their feet unconsciously, showing a desire to go, or looks at something else when they're bored. I notice if someone doesn't know what to do with his/her hands, or is self-conscious about looking me in the eye. Perhaps it's a burden to process so much info.

And how about the gradual "end of party" ritual? Someone says, "well, I guess we should be going now" but the conversations have to gradually wind down over the course of another 40 minutes or so. I've often thought that I wouldn't mind going to a party if, when I'm done, I could say "Thanks, that was fun" and walk out the door.

 

[TromboneAl]

I think that's why I do better on online forums, because I can type in a post and reread it and take things back before I commit to it. I don't always make the best choices there either, but often what comes out is a lot better than what I first type!

Same here. I would like to take back my question about the prenup in the TheFed thread, but it's too late.

 

[haha]

I've often thought that I wouldn't mind going to a party if, when I'm done, I could say "Thanks, that was fun" and walk out the door.

I think you can, really! Most of us have long left highly structured social environments where there is only one way to do something.

Just try it. I think as long as you don't look or act pissed, it will go well. Anyway, there will always be people looking for something to get offended or feel slighted by.

Why disappoint them?

Ha

 

[samclem]

And how about the gradual "end of party" ritual? Someone says, "well, I guess we should be going now" but the conversations have to gradually wind down over the course of another 40 minutes or so. I've often thought that I wouldn't mind going to a party if, when I'm done, I could say "Thanks, that was fun" and walk out the door.

Ugh--and the re-visitation to say goodbye to everyone (or key people) before leaving. I remember once DW left her coat behind by mistake, realized it before we got to the car, and I prevailed on her to just keep going--better to get it later, or abandon it entirely, than go back in after completing the "goodbye ritual."

For office parties and other "mandatory fun" (not real friends), we need a non-dating version of speed dating. Chat, buzzer goes off, move to the next couple, chat. At one hour you've visited with 12 sets of people, fulfilled your obligation, and had the chance to exchange email addresses with anyone you'd really like to keep in touch with. Then you go home and relax.

 

[Bestwifeever]

We've been talking about how us introverts get tired when socializing, and need recharge their batteries with some alone time.

But what is it that makes us tired? I've always felt that it's the added tension or thinking things like "Am I talking too much?" "Am I not talking enough?" "Am I going to say something embarrassing?"

But yesterday I did a lot of socializing with some good friends, and wasn't too concerned with those things, but I still found it very tiring.

What is it about socializing that tires us out?

Well, you're an athlete, Al--you know you can't just jump into an activity, you have to get in condition and train and work your way up to "a lot of socializing." You should have started out with a few minutes a day and built up your endurance. Now you're going to need to ICE your psyche for a few days before trying socializing again.

 

[Sarah in SC]

And how about the gradual "end of party" ritual? Someone says, "well, I guess we should be going now" but the conversations have to gradually wind down over the course of another 40 minutes or so. I've often thought that I wouldn't mind going to a party if, when I'm done, I could say "Thanks, that was fun" and walk out the door.

I just disappear. It is well-known in my circle of friends that I hate being hugged or having to hug others. I generally get close to the door and then shout "bye!" before leaping for the exit. If anyone is offended, I haven't noticed.

 

[ladypatriot]

I just disappear. It is well-known in my circle of friends that I hate being hugged or having to hug others.

Me too. Because sometimes I barely know people and they want to hug me just to say hello or goodbye. It creeps me out. I'm quite affectionate with people I love, but I like my space with mere acquaintances.

 

[ladypatriot]

The quote thingy didn't work. Obviously.

 

[Bestwifeever]

The quote thingy didn't work. Obviously.

(I fixed it--the ending tag has to be [/quote] and often when I delete the end of a post I'm quoting, I also delete part of the ending tag (usually the [/ part of it, as happened here), and then the quote won't format as a quote.)

 

[Shawn]

Well, I know exactly why pain hurts (inflammation, pain receptors, evolutionary need to treat/avoid painful things, blah, blah), and that understanding helps me treat it (aspirin, rest, etc.). A better understanding of exactly what is tiring in social situations, could possibly make the situation better.

For example, how many of you feel a responsibility to keep the conversation going? I often have to tell myself that it's not my job to fill in the lulls; that's a tiring responsibility. I'm actually pretty good at it, but that doesn't make it fun.

...

I guess my point about pain is that it is perfectly natural. I once told my dentist that my teeth hurt if I eat a lot of popsicles. He (mostly) jokingly replied, "then don't eat a lot of popsicles." Likewise, introversion is perfectly natural. Many extroverts think there is a problem with introverts and try to fix them ... "I'm trying to get you to come out of your shell", "coming to the party will help you relax", "have you tried counseling." Yes, you can take aspirin for pain. But for the most part, that just masks the underlying cause. That may be a good thing, but it does not make the cause go away. There may be some things you can do to mitigate or lower the exhaustion from introversion, but these feelings are likely to remain. Probably the biggest "breakthrough" I had was realizing that it is perfectly normal to be the way I am.

Like you, I am fairly good at keeping conversations going (I simply ask questions). But that does not make it easy. If I am in a car with a single (one) co-worker, for example, it is stressful to engage the person in chit-chat conversation. While I can do it, I do not like it. If there are not specific issues to discuss, I would rather enjoy the scenery than feel *obligated* to come up with things to say or questions to ask. I am also fairly good at reading subtle social cues. I believe this is true with most introverts since they are more likely to watch than actively participate.

You know. I am often the last person to leave a party. While I probably want to be the first one to get out of there, there always seems to be someone or a small group that continues to engage me in conversation. This may be because I can listen, when other people want to talk. I have found that leaving a party when it is still relatively active is an effective strategy. For me, at least, that seems to avoid those long drawn-out good-byes ... "Sorry. Have to run. It was nice seeing everybody. Thank you."

 

[Sue J]

I thought I was the only one feeling all this. I'm comfortable being an introvert and I need plenty of alone time.

My extrovert/social butterfly/constantly networking sister thinks something is wrong with me and has tried to fix me. I've actually enjoyed her occasionally dragging me into her social circle because it's rare that I meet new people. When I'm with her and her group I can sit back and listen and enjoy without getting too entangled. Yes, I go home exhausted, reevaluating anything I said out loud, but then I know I won't get invited again for a few months.

When my kids were in elementary school I would run into a neighbor who had a kid in the same grade as one of my sons. She kept inviting me "over for coffee" and I kept making excuses. She was starting to be insulted so I finally agreed to "stop by". Ugh, she was a gossip and a complainer and talked about all the drivel in her life until the whole morning went by and I was dying to get out of there and go home. After that, every time I ran into her she wanted to get together again. Just what I needed was to waste another morning wrapped in her negativity.

From the Revenge article -

As a card-carrying introvert, I am one of the many people whose personality confers on them a preference for the inner world of their own mind rather than the outer world of sociability. Depleted by too much external stimulation, we thrive on reflection and solitude. Our psychic opposites, extraverts, prefer schmoozing and social life because such activities boost their mood. They get bored by too much solitude.

That's it right there.

 

[Bimmerbill]

I'm with Kiem. It tires me out trying to pretend I give a f*ck.
Plus, I believe I have some social anxiety left over from years of being a nerd/geek/the guy you hate for blowing the curve on every exam.

I'm working on it tho.

 

[haha]

I'm with Kiem. It tires me out trying to pretend I give a f*ck.

This is the part I cannot understand. These people are not asking for marriage, just a bit of interaction. Very few people are not interesting in some way or another. Truly obnoxious or hostile people certainly exist, but are not often found at social gatherings.

People would rather clear brush, or clean out cat litter, than talk to other humans?

Ha

 

[Keim]

This is the part I cannot understand. These people are not asking for marriage, just a bit of interaction.

People would rather clear brush, or clean out cat litter, than talk to other humans?

Ha

Brush? Yes.
Cat litter? I'll need to reflect on that for a moment...

 

[TromboneAl]

I remember once DW left her coat behind by mistake, realized it before we got to the car, and I prevailed on her to just keep going--better to get it later, or abandon it entirely, than go back in after completing the "goodbye ritual."

That makes you a "coyote introvert."

 

[samclem]

This is the part I cannot understand. These people are not asking for marriage, just a bit of interaction. Very few people are not interesting in some way or another.

All true. But the interesting stuff is quite a bit below the surface for most of us. And, lots of it (politics, religion, money, sex, LBYM techniques, etc) is strictly off the table in polite company. So, in the mass meet and greet we get to discuss the kids, Jimmy's sandwich, weather, the horribleness of the local street construction, etc. It might take two days of solid talking to get comfortable enough with each other to get to the good stuff ("you think women are winners in the struggle between men and women? Why is that? I don't see a struggle, I see . . . "). This could be fun, but it ain't gonna happen at an office party.

That's the great thing about this forum: a common set of interests (ER), but also folks can elect to join in any conversation or just "go home"--no offense taken. And, you get right past all the chit-chat and can dive into the meatier discussions that are much more fun.

That makes you a "coyote introvert."

Yep. If my arm had gotten shut in the door on the way out, I'd have chewed it off rather knock.

 

[donheff]

I'm with Kiem. It tires me out trying to pretend I give a f*ck.

I don't get it. If that is how you feel why go in the first place?

This is the part I cannot understand. These people are not asking for marriage, just a bit of interaction.

+1 They aren't even asking for interaction, they are just interacting. You don't need to stay if you don't want to. In fact, you don't need to go in the first place.

 

[ladypatriot]

(I fixed it--

Thank you! I'll be more careful when deleting portions of a quote.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Sometimes at social gatherings (okay, any place) extreme non-introverts (way beyond the nice extroverts on this board) glom onto introverts and it's blah blah blah as they get out their need to interact; sometimes I feel I'm just a pair of ears (DH is one of those people so we are the perfect couple ). The interaction is fairly one-sided in those cases and I too find my fellow introverts (we can identify each other with that secret look where we don't meet anyone's eyes) for standard conversation-style socializing.

 

[FreeAtLast]

Very interesting comments. I seem to have the same problem but have learned to deal with it to a certain degree. I still don't feel comfortable in new social settings.

Business meeting don't seem to bother me at all. My guess is that I spend too much time thinking about what others say and not enough time speaking.

 

[Amethyst]

She kept inviting me "over for coffee" and I kept making excuses.... Ugh, she was a gossip and a complainer and talked about all the drivel in her life

When did it become fashionable to label "extraverted," those folks we used to call simply "bores"?

years of being a nerd/geek/the guy you hate for blowing the curve on every exam.

I'm curious, how did people find out it was you, so they could hate you? Did the professors post grades AND names? I somehow managed to keep my grades to myself in school, and nobody outside school has ever shown the slightest interest in my GPA.

Very few people are not interesting in some way or another.
Ha

Except Sue J.'s bore, and others like her! Saints preserve us from their ilk!

Amethyst

 

[Midpack]

Wow, this thread had more substance than I thought it would -there is some very good stuff here!

I'm an introvert by nature, but I've learned to be an extrovert in work situations just like I've learned other job responsibilities that don't come naturally. I am the guy who has to keep the conversation going at work especially at social events or with customers, so I've just learned how to do it (mostly) without resorting to drivel.

It's interesting how many (NOT ALL) real extroverts rely on

'the weather' (we already know),
the game last night (some care, some don't),
laughing at every remark whether it's funny or not (really tiring IMO),
excessive alcohol,
and other senseless babble
​

just to appear to carry a conversation with strangers.

It is tiring making small talk, but it turns me off more due to boredom than anything else. And I won't have to do it for work much longer, but the ability to do it may come in handy in retirement too, so I'm glad I learned how...

 

[haha]

When I was dressing at the gym today I was reminded of a failsafe way to crawl out of introvert discomfort. Just channel Magic Johnson or any Afro-American preacher. By the time you get done fist bumping and knee dipping and hand slapping and hugging and back thumping, it's time to go home already. And you and everybody in the room feels very relaxed too.

Ha

 

[Ronstar]

Brush? Yes.

+1

In the few social gatherings I attend, it seems to me that some extroverts start jabbering to amuse themselves and to show that they are somehow better than others at the gathering. Very tiring for us introverts.

 

[haha]

+1

In the few social gatherings I attend, it seems to me that some extroverts start jabbering to amuse themselves and to show that they are somehow better than others at the gathering. Very tiring for us introverts.

This is pure paranoia. I doubt an extrovert has ever given any thought to anything remotedly related to this.