Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Why is Socializing Tiring for Introverts?
Old 05-22-2011, 10:55 AM   #1
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
TromboneAl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 10,531
Why is Socializing Tiring for Introverts?

We've been talking about how us introverts get tired when socializing, and need recharge their batteries with some alone time.

But what is it that makes us tired? I've always felt that it's the added tension or thinking things like "Am I talking too much?" "Am I not talking enough?" "Am I going to say something embarrassing?"

But yesterday I did a lot of socializing with some good friends, and wasn't too concerned with those things, but I still found it very tiring.

What is it about socializing that tires us out?
__________________

__________________
Al
TromboneAl is online now   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 05-22-2011, 11:19 AM   #2
Full time employment: Posting here.
arebelspy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 625
I'm guessing for introverts there is more anxiety involved with social interactions than extroverts have. That anxiety and stress causes one to need to relax by getting away from that anxiety (thus the need for alone time).
__________________

__________________
arebelspy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 11:29 AM   #3
 
Posts: n/a
arebelspy hit it right on the head, it's anxiety and stress. I use to have the same problem when I was Agoraphobic.

Al, have you gone for therapy?
__________________
  Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 11:31 AM   #4
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Amethyst's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,117
I'm such an extravert that I will make jokes in a line full of strangers, just to see other people smile. Strangers find me approachable. Unfortunately, my speech-frequency hearing loss (not correctible) means that a roomful of talking people becomes a painful mish-mash, where I cannot make out what anybody else is saying. I have to get away.

Amethyst
__________________
If you understood everything I say, you'd be me ~ Miles Davis
'There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.’ Christopher Morley.
Amethyst is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 11:35 AM   #5
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
travelover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 6,106
I married into a family with lots of adult ADD, which seems to run a wide spectrum of severity. My observation is that those afflicted are easily overwhelmed with mental stimulation and simply need quiet time to recharge.

I not saying you are ADD, just that socializing has a similar effect on introverts and those with ADD.
__________________
Feral Engineer - Idle Dandy
travelover is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 11:41 AM   #6
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 9,097
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiger View Post
Al, have you gone for therapy?
?? Would we suggest therapy for an extrovert who preferred to be with a lot of people than to be alone for awhile?

Al, I don't know the reason for the fatigue. I'm an introvert, and get the same feeling. I don't think it is fear or anxiety in my case, it's just the requirement to make small talk, be interested, filter responses, remember names, etc. It's more work if there are more "new" people and if the gathering is socially-focused rather than goal focused. Regardless, even if I've had a good time and enjoyed the company (which is often the case), I'm usually happy to get home and recharge.
__________________
"Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite." - R. Heinlein
samclem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 11:56 AM   #7
Recycles dryer sheets
Silver's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Orlando, Fl
Posts: 322
For me....small talk is tiring because of the amount of energy required to participate. But I enjoy listening to other people talk about their experiences, and I'm good at asking them related questions to prompt them to talk further.

My DH and I have talked about this at length. He is so much better in social situations while I'm pretty shy....and often perceived as aloof. Trying to over come my self-consciousness is exhausting.
__________________
Silver is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 12:05 PM   #8
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Major Tom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: East Bay
Posts: 2,251
This thread is stressing me out. I need some alone time. Back in a few hours
__________________
ESR (and maybe ER if things go well)
Major Tom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 12:23 PM   #9
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Dawg52's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 6,435
Because most of us would rather be sitting in a recliner, nodding off with a cool refreshment near by. Pretty easy to figure out.
__________________
Full time wuss............
Dawg52 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 12:23 PM   #10
Moderator
ziggy29's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 14,588
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silver View Post
For me....small talk is tiring because of the amount of energy required to participate. But I enjoy listening to other people talk about their experiences, and I'm good at asking them related questions to prompt them to talk further.
I have no problem *listening* in most cases, but the usual expectation is that I am to participate more actively, and I'm just not good at small talk, the type of conversation where you talk only because it's socially expected, not because you have anything really useful to say.

I'm comfortable being outgoing in situations where I'm with close friends and folks I know well enough to socially engage. I'm also comfortable around people I don't know at all and will probably never see again, because I don't really care what they think about me so I can just be myself without much concern. It's the folks in between those two extremes I have trouble engaging socially.
__________________
"Hey, for every ten dollars, that's another hour that I have to be in the work place. That's an hour of my life. And my life is a very finite thing. I have only 'x' number of hours left before I'm dead. So how do I want to use these hours of my life? Do I want to use them just spending it on more crap and more stuff, or do I want to start getting a handle on it and using my life more intelligently?" -- Joe Dominguez (1938 - 1997)
ziggy29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 12:41 PM   #11
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,307
I'm OK in a structured environment where I can plan a bit and have an idea what to expect. Simple unstructured get togethers/parties with a bunch of people I don't know are very tiring. Not that much different for my brain than the difference between cruising down the freeway on a long trip and driving in a car race. My brain activity is probably much higher for unstructured socialization and it gets tiring.
__________________
Animorph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 01:02 PM   #12
Recycles dryer sheets
Gerbil Wheel's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 81
I had a major epiphany a few weeks ago...I have Schizoid Personality Disorder. Wow, what an eye-opener. I understand myself a lot better now.

I had always associated the word "Schizoid" with that old horror movie, but it's not about violence at all...more like extreme introversion by choice.
__________________
Gerbil Wheel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 01:50 PM   #13
Administrator
W2R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 28,781
Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl View Post
We've been talking about how us introverts get tired when socializing, and need recharge their batteries with some alone time.

But what is it that makes us tired? I've always felt that it's the added tension or thinking things like "Am I talking too much?" "Am I not talking enough?" "Am I going to say something embarrassing?"

But yesterday I did a lot of socializing with some good friends, and wasn't too concerned with those things, but I still found it very tiring.

What is it about socializing that tires us out?
Boredom comes to mind, except when it is just me and F.

Also alienation - - listening to groups of people engaging in interminable small talk just illustrates how very little we have in common with any of them.
__________________
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich.”
- - Lao-tzu
W2R is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 01:55 PM   #14
Recycles dryer sheets
Nuiloa's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 496
Quote:
Originally Posted by ziggy29 View Post
I'm comfortable being outgoing in situations where I'm with close friends and folks I know well enough to socially engage. I'm also comfortable around people I don't know at all and will probably never see again, because I don't really care what they think about me so I can just be myself without much concern. It's the folks in between those two extremes I have trouble engaging socially.
BINGO! That describes me perfectly. I think the problem probably lies in the fact that I don't care what anybody thinks. With family and total strangers, it doesn't seem to matter. There are certain social expectations though, in that in-between state, and that's what exhausts me. Having to fake social engagement for several hours with people who know me casually is like being on a stage for a five-act play. Putting on a front is exhausting. If I'm in control of a group, I'm ok because I direct the flow. Walking into an existing social group is painful.
__________________
Inside me is a skinny person crying to get out, but I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies
Nuiloa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 02:16 PM   #15
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Amethyst's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,117
I realize this thread is supposed to be for self-identified introverts, yet some of the posts are ringing bells for me. This one, for instance.

Small talk is vital when people are new to one another, and no one is quite sure how to get the ball rolling. After that - how can people just keep prattling on about "then he said...then I said...then Timmy came in and got a sandwich..."? How come the other people don't get bored, and leave?

Then again, I don't "get" tweeting, either.

Amethyst

Quote:
Originally Posted by W2R View Post
Boredom comes to mind, except when it is just me and F.

Also alienation - - listening to groups of people engaging in interminable small talk just illustrates how very little we have in common with any of them.
__________________
If you understood everything I say, you'd be me ~ Miles Davis
'There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.’ Christopher Morley.
Amethyst is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 02:18 PM   #16
Recycles dryer sheets
Nuiloa's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 496
Quote:
Originally Posted by W2R View Post
Boredom comes to mind, except when it is just me and F.

Also alienation - - listening to groups of people engaging in interminable small talk just illustrates how very little we have in common with any of them.
Also dead on. Why do we INTJ's have such a hard time with chit chat? It's not like it's rocket science (which, btw, would be easier to talk about)
__________________
Inside me is a skinny person crying to get out, but I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies
Nuiloa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 02:21 PM   #17
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Amethyst's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,117
Just curious, Ziggy, Why do you care about what the "in-between" people think of you? If you decide not to care, will you become more comfortable?

(I suppose this is an unanswerable question...asking these kinds of questions is what gets me pushed out of women's groups ...one is not supposed to ask questions that cause the others to have to think...but the ER Forum seems to tolerate them)

Amethyst

Quote:
Originally Posted by ziggy29 View Post
I'm comfortable being outgoing in situations where I'm with close friends and folks I know well enough to socially engage. I'm also comfortable around people I don't know at all and will probably never see again, because I don't really care what they think about me so I can just be myself without much concern. It's the folks in between those two extremes I have trouble engaging socially.
__________________
If you understood everything I say, you'd be me ~ Miles Davis
'There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.’ Christopher Morley.
Amethyst is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 02:28 PM   #18
Recycles dryer sheets
Nuiloa's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 496
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amethyst View Post
Just curious, Ziggy, Why do you care about what the "in-between" people think of you? If you decide not to care, will you become more comfortable?

(I suppose this is an unanswerable question...asking these kinds of questions is what gets me pushed out of women's groups ...one is not supposed to ask questions that cause the others to have to think...but the ER Forum seems to tolerate them)

Amethyst
Can I answer that? It's because there are more "in-betweens" than people at the other extremes and, sooner or later, you're going to have to hear all about Timmy's sandwich. What we need are courses in how to indulge in mindless drivel for hours on end while pasting vacuous expressions on our faces and, at the same time, trying not to go stark raving mad!
__________________
Inside me is a skinny person crying to get out, but I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies
Nuiloa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 02:37 PM   #19
Moderator
ziggy29's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 14,588
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amethyst View Post
Just curious, Ziggy, Why do you care about what the "in-between" people think of you? If you decide not to care, will you become more comfortable?
Mostly because I don't know them well enough to be comfortable and they could be folks that are important to not alienate, particularly when there could be career implications (whether for me or my wife, for example, and at this point in our lives it's mostly the latter). I don't know them well enough to know what to say or to talk about, and I also don't want to clam up too much because that can also reflect less that favorably on us. This ratchets up the stress level if I have no idea what to say.

My wife is preparing for a late-bloomer career in ministry, for example, and it's often said that a minister and their spouse are a "package deal." To that end if we're to find her a congregation to serve, it may not be enough that they like and accept her, but also me. (They may not want to take her if they have misgivings about me, for example.) Thus I have to find a way to "shine" and make her look good even if I have no clue how to do it. I don't know these people and I don't know what to say to them, but how I am perceived *is* important in this context. Awkward and stressful? Oh, just slightly...
__________________
"Hey, for every ten dollars, that's another hour that I have to be in the work place. That's an hour of my life. And my life is a very finite thing. I have only 'x' number of hours left before I'm dead. So how do I want to use these hours of my life? Do I want to use them just spending it on more crap and more stuff, or do I want to start getting a handle on it and using my life more intelligently?" -- Joe Dominguez (1938 - 1997)
ziggy29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 02:43 PM   #20
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Major Tom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: East Bay
Posts: 2,251
You guys think you have it bad? Try being an introverted Brit. I have the introversion and the over-developed sense of protocol holding me back
__________________

__________________
ESR (and maybe ER if things go well)
Major Tom is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The High Cost of Socializing tangomonster Life after FIRE 64 06-16-2008 12:52 PM
I wonder what % of FIREs are Introverts? Surfdaddy Life after FIRE 50 04-20-2006 02:51 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 08:02 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

Early Retirement News right to your Email!

Stay up-to-date with all the latest news to your inbox!

unsusbcribe at anytime with one click

Close [X]