Do your relatives and friends know you are FIRE'd?

To avoid any awkwardness or further probing questions, I typically say that I'm an "XYZ" consultant when asked what I do. Since "XYZ" matches very closely with what I did full time for 20+ years in my industry, it hardly raises any eyebrows. All my friends and relatives know I am semi-retired and have been for the past few years (I'm 49 now), and the idea of my doing consulting (even on a very occasional, part-time basis) seems to have mitigated the sarcastic, judgmental, envious comments that many early retirees sometimes get.
 
People have always thought I had more money than I really did. I remember being teased about driving a non-luxury car - "Girl, I always figured you'd be driving a Cadillac!"

I suspect people stereotype anybody with good posture as rich.
 
My friends and family know I’m retired (retired at 51, just turned 56). However, my sister in law (wife’s sister) does not know. We tell her, and she believes, that I’m doing some portfolio consulting work, advising some rich guys on how to manage their portfolio. What she does not know is that I talk to myself and my DW a lot about our portfolio, spend time developing spreadsheets on our portfolio, and help make decision about that portfolio. She does know we are “well to do”, and that I previously had a high paying executive job/career that took me all over the world. But since I left that career and “consult from home mostly by computer/email/text” that I must not be paid very well anymore. Good enough...she has in the past asked us for money on more occasions than I can recall, in amounts ranging from $5-10k, and she asked us to co-sign her mortgage and car loan. We did give her a couple of 5k loans that were never repaid, and that was the end. We refused to co-sign anything, and it was good that we didn’t. Her husband left her shortly afterwards, lost his job, and his $500k home...which we would have been on the hook for. This is why she will never know I’m retired, what my portfolio holds, or what it makes.

My siblings also know we are well to do, and I have helped my sister out a couple of times by paying her costs to attend family reunions for my aging parents. She knows better than to ask for more, and my equally low earning brother has too much pride to ask anyway.
 
RunningBum said:
I tell some version of "My job was outsourced, and I've found if I live carefully enough and limit extras, I can make it without having to try to find another tech job in my 50s. So far, so good, fingers crossed." Nothing in that is false, and I can make it sound fairly bleak, or just fine as I see fit.
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I am going to steal that quote. All true for me too.
 
I retired at 58. Shortly after my DH got laid off and could not find a new job at 53. WE both took our pensions. This was no surprise to people because we had talked for years about working for less $ in order to get the pensions. Well we did end up losing 2 couples we had been friends with for 16 years. One couple was 10 years older then us and we only lived a few blocks away. When we retired we downsized to a smaller home and paid it off. They were very jealous even though both worked from home for themselves. For years they had told us to do the same and be your own boss. Then they inherited $ and immediately bought a house that was huge and rented their other home because it was underwater. Now they have 2 big mortgages. After about a year of them constantly questioning our financial decisions and being openly hostile about our pensions which are not big I gave up on the friendship. Most of our friends were happy for us.
 
When I retired 9 years ago at 45, it took some people by surprise. At the office, I was working only 2 days a week so it didn't come as a big surprise to my coworkers that I was reducing that to zero days by retiring.


Those in my closest circle (my ladyfriend, my best male friend, and my dad) all knew about it well beforehand because I had been planning out for a while. My dad retired in 1994 at age 63, just over a year before my mom passed away.


Other acquaintances, people I did not see often or I didn't know as well, expressed some of the usual surprise and reactions others have mentioned. In my square dance groups, mostly people in their 60s, 70s, and 80s (with many retirees), they were a little surprised but welcomed me to their world of being retired. I have repay the favor when one of my fellow square dancers retires and can dance with us more often and not be as worn out.


As I wrote in another thread, I am an introvert and I fly below the radar, so while other relatives know, I rarely see them so it isn't really relevant.
 
Some friends! :facepalm: Everyone has to be in the same sorry boat with them, or they just can't stand it, evidently.

I'm friendly with some people who "have more" (in various ways, not just money) than we do. They like us for ourselves and vice versa. We do admire the things about them that are exceptional. Being envious/jealous of what we like, but can never have ourselves, would only deprive us of enjoyment.

Teacher Terry said:
IWhen we retired we downsized to a smaller home and paid it off. They were very jealous even though both worked from home for themselves. For years they had told us to do the same and be your own boss. Then they inherited $ and immediately bought a house that was huge and rented their other home because it was underwater. Now they have 2 big mortgages. After about a year of them constantly questioning our financial decisions and being openly hostile about our pensions which are not big I gave up on the friendship. Most of our friends were happy for us.
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SheitlQueen said:
Even though I've been retired for a couple of years, and I'm now 63, I still get the "you are too young to be retired". I think they are just being polite :)
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I got carded buying wine at Trader Joe's a couple days ago. Then the cashier asks me if I have the day off work. "Nope, retired." :D

Guess I look WAY too early to be retired...
 
Surely not hiding it. Most all of my close friends and family knew of my plans. Never an issue. I had a goal, stuck to it and got lucky along the way too.

I do find I get interesting comments sometimes though, like people sound like they have no control over when they retire (and at 55+, now, maybe they don't). "Oh geez, I won't be retiring any time soon" or "I'll have to work until I am dead".

The other day my wife was talking about one of her coworkers and I asked how old she was. She answered (she was in her 60s) and then told me "Not everyone can afford to retire early".

I replied, "If they plan on it early enough, anyone can."
 
SheitlQueen said:
Even though I've been retired for a couple of years, and I'm now 63, I still get the "you are too young to be retired". I think they are just being polite :)
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I'm not so sure it's always because they are just being polite. I get a lot of personal interactions with folks that I don't know through my "various hobbies and travels". When I first retired I would often hear the following from total strangers -

May I ask what do you do for a living?
What, you are retired!
You seem to young to be retired.

As I got older that seemed to happen less and less. Now I haven't heard that in a year or so. :( I guess I look retired now.:wiseone:
 
FUEGO said:
I got carded buying wine at Trader Joe's a couple days ago. Then the cashier asks me if I have the day off work. "Nope, retired." :D



Guess I look WAY too early to be retired...
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Must have made your day! [emoji106]
 
When they say "You seem to young to be retired." I reply with "You seem to old to be working." No matter how old they are.
 
To answer your question I honestly don't know that FIRE. They know I'm retired and when I retired I had some people tell all the bad things that happen to people that retire early. They have me advise and these were people that were 10 year and younger then I was at the time. I retired at 58 but told company one year before I was leaving in one year (age 57). So all the people know I was retiring basically at 57 years old.

To be honest I believe all people that retire these days are millionaires. That may sound like a idiot statement but I know many people that are retired and I just assume they are worth millions but maybe there not. LOL
 
I'm the OP, and I'd just like to say thanks to everyone who responded to this post. The replies gave me a lot of overall encouragement about telling relatives and friends. It also reinforced that if there are negative attitudes and comments, I can't help what other people think so just don't worry about it.

I enjoyed reading all the posts in this thread, so it's difficult to highlight some of them because there were so many things I got from this. But just to pick a few lines from various posters, here's what I'll call, the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

The GOOD...
-------------
- The comment on "degrees of separation" was a great insight.
- "I FIRE'd 10 + years ago at 56... Some of my younger friends (~15 years younger) said I was their idol."
- "Most of my friends, co-workers, relatives, and others, were happy for my ability to bail out so early! Several have told me over the years, that they were inspired by me, and we're hoping to do the same thing."
- "If I was retiring at 55, I'd tell everyone. Either they'll get used to it, or they won't, and my guess is that probably almost of them will."
- "I got carded buying wine at Trader Joe's a couple days ago [age 37]. Then the cashier asks me if I have the day off work. "Nope, retired.""
- "[Friends] see us walking to the tennis courts at 8:30 am many days, or strolling around the neighborhood midday in the middle of the week."
- ""What do you do for a living?" I respond, "I'm a retired oceanographer" (which is true). Invariably they pick up on the oceanography angle, not retirement, and we talk about what it was like to be an oceanographer, or something along those lines. I think the only reason people ask that question is to start a conversation."

The BAD...
--------------
- the "oldest friend from 5th grade" who asked for a loan and when she was turned down, went "radio silent" 3 yrs and counting.
- the sister-in-law who asked for loans, mortgage cosigning, etc., and still hasn't been told we are FIRE'd.
- the neighbor couple "questioning our financial decisions and being openly hostile about our pensions".
Fortunately, out of 37 replies (so far) to my post, these and a couple of others were the only "bad" cases. Many people got positive feedback, and most people said everyone they know more than casually knows their status.

The UGLY (i.e. when you are asked for money)...
-------------------------------------------
- "Now that I'm retired, I have to watch my spending very closely."

- ""I’m sorry, we can’t, as we’re on a fixed income” is a good comeback line for people asking for money."

- ""I've found if I live carefully enough and limit extras, I can make it without having to try to find another tech job in my 50s. So far, so good, fingers crossed." Nothing in that is false, and I can make it sound fairly bleak, or just fine as I see fit."


Thanks again for all the replies, and if anyone else sees this thread, feel free to reply further. It would be interesting to hear what other stories people have to tell about reactions they got to their FIRE status.
 
ilikestartrek said:
The UGLY (i.e. when you are asked for money)...
-------------------------------------------

- "I've found if I live carefully enough and limit extras, I can make it without having to try to find another tech job in my 50s. So far, so good, fingers crossed." Nothing in that is false, and I can make it sound fairly bleak, or just fine as I see fit."
Click to expand...

The quote above belongs to me, and I don't think it belongs under "Ugly." It's just what it is. I've never had to use it as a reply to being asked for money. In fact I've never actually been asked for money. I use that story in general as my story of why/how I retired early. I figure it heads off some jealousy, gold diggers, being expected to pick up the dinner tab every time, and yes, being asked for a "loan". It's a good way to get across the point that my lifestyle really isn't any different from theirs, it's just that I don't need to work anymore to keep up that lifestyle.
 
RunningBum said:
The quote above belongs to me, and I don't think it belongs under "Ugly." It's just what it is. I've never had to use it as a reply to being asked for money. In fact I've never actually been asked for money. I use that story in general as my story of why/how I retired early. I figure it heads off some jealousy, gold diggers, being expected to pick up the dinner tab every time, and yes, being asked for a "loan". It's a good way to get across the point that my lifestyle really isn't any different from theirs, it's just that I don't need to work anymore to keep up that lifestyle.
Click to expand...

I think the Ugly is being asked for money, not the suggested responses to it. Also helpful is responding in a sad quavering voice :LOL:.
 
ilikestartrek said:
Exactly, being asked for money is the UGLY.
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OK, but my point was that you could probably head off being asked for money by having a good cover story, so it's a non-issue. I was also confused because under just "Bad" (less than ugly?) was the story of being asked for money and losing a life long friend over it. That's about as ugly as it gets, unless you actually loan the money and then get radio silence. No big deal. Useful thread.
 
Yes most of my family and friends know I'm retired. actually at 57 I'm late to the game. I know 65 is supposed to be average but truthfully I don't know anyone who retired after 60.
My siblings were all military men. one brother did his time in the Navy and then worked for Postal service. so he's got great benefits and pension. another bro did 20 years then brought 2 Mcdonald franchises in NC. sold them this past summer and retired to Las Vegas, another bro did his time and then became a NYC police officer. Same with pops.
All my cousins my age are retired.
My best friend is a high powered attorney. she seems to work 2 years then takes a few years off. she starts a new gig working for the city of philly soon after being "retired" for 3 years. lol

a few other friends are winding down and will be out before the hit 60.

Now Op, I married into the "tackiest" family known to God. I love them dearly but really, they are 1 step above primates when it comes to boundaries.
If this were a ugly christmas sweater contest, I'd win every year"

My late husband tried to hit me up for a loan at the repast of his funeral. seriously!! lol,
he came over to me and said that "mike" was going to invest in his start up and was I planning on honoring his "verbal" agreement.
I told him to pass the information to my attorney who at the time was my mom & who was seriously worried that her "grandbabies" were going to starve at the time. He could have any money he managed to squeeze out of her. I also told him to let me know how it went.

Never heard from him again.

He also has another cousin who is so bad we have a phone tree for him when he start calling the family for a loan but he hits people up whether they are retired or not. I think he tried to hit up one of the 13 year old cousins because he heard they were good at monopoly.;)
 
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I haven't had too many issues as an early retiree (almost 3 years now!) My immediate family of course knows and I don't get any slack. My friends (not very many, and they are folks I have known since my primary school days) just harass me in a joking manner (but they would harass me about anything!) but seem pretty happy about it all. I have had one mention that I would be a "good candidate" to invest in his business, but he's not very smart when it comes to managing $$$, so I politely declined...but he doesn't appear to be bothered by it.

As far as former co-w*rkers are concerned, I got quite a bit of slack about it initially. And after about 6 months of retirement, I haven't really talked to any of them. A lot of the folks that I flew with over the years I "followed" on Facebook, but a while back, I got rid of FB and I have only heard from a handful of those "friends"...so no big loss there.

For the folks I meet for the first time (or perhaps neighbors), if the subject comes up, I just say I w*rk from home. They rarely pry for more information, just mention how nice it is to not have to deal with the Atlanta traffic. :)

Last week, we were in Mexico for a wedding on the DW's side of the family. There were lots of new people to meet and the subject of w*rk came up often...and I tried to deflect . I am not in favor of lying, but I dislike trying to explain 15 dozen times how I am retired and my DW is not. So...to them, I was a consultant.
 
Yes.

Why on earth would I try to hide the fact that I am retired?
 
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