Meeting people around the same age?

[kramer]

I lived for just over 2 months in Mazatlan, Mexico recently on a trial run to see if I would like it there. I definitely had this problem there of not meeting people my age. I had a group of Mexican friends and young foreign travelers who were all under 30. And I had a group of retired friends (Americans and Canadians) who were all over 60. I did not make one single friend between the ages of 30 and 57!

I am sure that if I had stayed longer I would have met more people my age, but they would have to be Mexicans since there are basically no foreigners that age and Mexicans are very family-oriented, hanging around with their family in their spare time. Also, I had two different American friends separately visiting me for that time period for several weeks and neither one spoke Spanish so it was harder to make Mexican friends when they were there since I did not want to exclude them.

When I lived in Colombia, I made friends my age through my girlfriend (who was 9 years younger than me). There is a beautiful 25 year old in Mazatlan who has been writing me and wants to fill that role for me, and I may take her up on it when I return

 

[HFWR]

When I lived in Colombia, I made friends my age through my girlfriend (who was 9 years younger than me). There is a beautiful 25 year old in Mazatlan who has been writing me and wants to fill that role for me, and I may take her up on it when I return

 

[ls99]

Don't count on it being quieter. Older people tend to boost the volume on TVs and radios to decibel levels that rock bands can only dream of.

I know, I live in a condo just above an old lady who cranks her surround sound up to high that my walls shake.

Heh, I got a set of 90+ yo neighbors. In the summertime they do yard work 50 feet apart and yell at each other. From 500' away they still sound loud and clear. Except they speak in mix of Russian and Yiddish, unfortunately I can understand them, yet I'm neither.

Fortunately they do not know that I understand their banter. Never told them.

 

[Nords]

Never told them.

Well, if you told them now you'd look like a real schmuck...

 

[Khan]

I have a few acquaintances in real life.
I think I have some friends in the ether.
Most of ether friends are 15 - 20 years younger; and I often don't know what they are talking about.

 

[W2R]

I just want to address Khan's post, since my circumstances are different from those of the OP.

I have a few acquaintances in real life.
I think I have some friends in the ether.
Most of ether friends are 15 - 20 years younger; and I often don't know what they are talking about.

I look at the search for friends as a practical, logical problem. I think that I personally have a need for some human contact in real life, and that need is built in, just like a puppy's need to play. I'm not saying this is true for others; I only can speak for myself.

Anyway, when I need human contact I sit down with paper and pencil and make a time limited plan to get from "point A"(no friend) to "point B"(have friend). This plan is not designed to be an "if I want to" plan, or my idea of fun, being an introvert, but something I must do for my own well being. It's not like I have any choice consistent with meeting my needs. This type of plan includes spending at least 10 hours per week for the time being in circumstances where I will come in contact with people with whom I have at least one interest in common. It includes being friendly, kind, and understanding towards them, whether I want to be or not. I don't expect a deep friendship right away, but in time, with planning and effort and logic this works for me. Eventually I have a friend and then go to phase two of my plan; cultivating that friendship (much easier for me).

I am not saying that you could or should do this, but just thought some version of this practical approach might appeal to the scientist/engineer/programmer in you if you have any need for real life friends as I do.

 

[omni550]

This type of plan includes spending at least 10 hours per week for the time being in circumstances where I will come in contact with people with whom I have at least one interest in common.

W2R,

I like your logical approach to the 'make a friend' problem.

I'm curious, what are some locations that you might choose to spend those 10 hours a week?

omni

 

[Lsbcal]

Would like to point out that I'm a bit jealous of joint female friendships. They seem to be made easier then joint male ones.

If a female suggests going out for coffee or for lunch with another female (evolving) friend, I've observed it happens quite easily. DW seems to have no problem getting and extending invitations like this.

With guys, it seems to be they are not really interested in deeper feelings. It's more about parallel play. You should be doing something together like maybe golf. Not a bad thing but it's less likely to happen so easily.

 

[Nords]

Would like to point out that I'm a bit jealous of joint female friendships. They seem to be made easier then joint male ones.
With guys, it seems to be they are not really interested in deeper feelings. It's more about parallel play. You should be doing something together like maybe golf. Not a bad thing but it's less likely to happen so easily.

The "guy thing" is much simpler, but from a guy perspective it also means that the joint-female-friendship thing is terrifyingly complicated.

I don't know how many times I've had this discussion with my spouse & daughter, often noting that two guys would just beat the crap out of each other, get over it, and move on...

 

[rescueme]

Frankly, I think the older chicks are hotter.

Just kidding. Please don't tell my spouse.

Watssamatter with you.

Don't think your DW is (still) hot ?

 

[W2R]

W2R,

I like your logical approach to the 'make a friend' problem.

I'm curious, what are some locations that you might choose to spend those 10 hours a week?

omni, that is part of the planning process (part of why you need the paper and pencil), and would depend on the individual. Make a list of what sorts of interests you have that you might want to share with potential friends, and put some energy and effort into looking for locations/activities where you can share some of these interests without cost. Use your own logic and initiative in this just as you would if you were approaching an engineering problem.

 

[obgyn65]

Have you thought about volunteering ? This would help you meet many similar minded people, whatever their age.

but I would also like to meet a few friends who are closer to my age.

 

[Walt34]

The "guy thing" is much simpler, but from a guy perspective it also means that the joint-female-friendship thing is terrifyingly complicated.

It's just something that is characteristic of females. I sort-of got the concept after reading Deborah Tannen's book You Just Don't Understand; Women and Men in Conversation.

The behavior has something to do with "building/maintaining a relationship" and what is so difficult to understand is that apparently what they talk about is almost irrelevant, as long as they're talking.

Men talk to exchange information and when that task is accomplished they stop talking. Women will never understand this.

That's why when a husband doesn't say anything to his wife for three hours she starts to think something's wrong with the relationship, when in fact nothing is wrong, it's just that he didn't have anything to say.

That's why it is important to listen to DW even when she's apparently just yakking for the sake of yakking, but what she's really doing in her mind is working on maintaining the relationship. So just nod your head and say "Yeah" once in a while and go on thinking about whatever else it was that you were thinking about.

Now, if DW doesn't say anything for three hours, I know there's a problem.

This stuff is really up there with trying to understand nuclear physics so it should be easy for you to get.

 

[Amethyst]

I make friends easily, for I inherited the ability to talk to almost anybody about almost anything.

I don't keep many friends, for I get no joy from superficial relationships, and that's all that most people want.

Amethyst

 

[Lsbcal]

...(snip)...
I don't keep many friends, for I get no joy from superficial relationships, and that's all that most people want.
...

Sometimes I wonder why people prefer the superficial. Why don't they want to talk about particle physics or the meaning of life?

At least I have meaningful conversations with DW.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Sometimes I wonder why people prefer the superficial. Why don't they want to talk about particle physics or the meaning of life?

At least I have meaningful conversations with DW.

As long as people don't want to talk about politics, I'm game for both superficial and serious conversations.

And above all else, I'm happiest when I can find people who can laugh. There are far too many folks I encounter that take themselves and life far more seriously than needed.

I do find that the more fun folks are substantially younger than us, so we gravitate toward them more than most folks our ages.

 

[simple girl]

I also recommend the meetup groups. A hiking one is great, b/c you have lots of time walking to talk as well. (If you like hiking.) You may have to try several groups before you find one that is worth going to. Some groups are duds. You gotta kiss a lot of frogs...

I think if you are looking for friends your age to do something during the day, you are not going to find that easily. You will need to accept that your friends work, and to hang with them you need to hang out in the evenings and on weekends. Not a big deal if you are retired and have lots of time, IMO.

 

[Nords]

This stuff is really up there with trying to understand nuclear physics so it should be easy for you to get.

Well, in nuclear physics all the participants behave more or less according to predictable principles!

I was going to start an analogy with "To control a nuclear reactor you simply move the rod..." but it wasn't going to end well.

 

[Amethyst]

I have nothing against superficial topics - that's obvious from some of my posts In fact, the people I'm closest to, enjoy being downright silly.

What I meant is that I learned, early on, that I am willing to be "there" for more people than would be "there" for me. Also, something about me tends to engender frenemies, who pretend to be very interested in me, and later on use the things I confided in them to stab me in the back. Frankly if I can't trust people, I would rather not interact with them at all.

Amethyst

Sometimes I wonder why people prefer the superficial. Why don't they want to talk about particle physics or the meaning of life?

At least I have meaningful conversations with DW.

 

[Mulligan]

It's just something that is characteristic of females. I sort-of got the concept after reading Deborah Tannen's book You Just Don't Understand; Women and Men in Conversation.

The behavior has something to do with "building/maintaining a relationship" and what is so difficult to understand is that apparently what they talk about is almost irrelevant, as long as they're talking.

Men talk to exchange information and when that task is accomplished they stop talking. Women will never understand this.

That's why when a husband doesn't say anything to his wife for three hours she starts to think something's wrong with the relationship, when in fact nothing is wrong, it's just that he didn't have anything to say.

That's why it is important to listen to DW even when she's apparently just yakking for the sake of yakking, but what she's really doing in her mind is working on maintaining the relationship. So just nod your head and say "Yeah" once in a while and go on thinking about whatever else it was that you were thinking about.

Now, if DW doesn't say anything for three hours, I know there's a problem.

This stuff is really up there with trying to understand nuclear physics so it should be easy for you to get.

Walt, you made me laugh with this post. I have learned that it is more important to act like your listening than actually paying attention. I would get myself in trouble or hurt her feelings by saying "wait just a second, this is important" if I was watching a game. Now Ive learned how to continue listening to the tv despite the talking.

 

[simple girl]

Walt, you made me laugh with this post. I have learned that it is more important to act like your listening than actually paying attention. I would get myself in trouble or hurt her feelings by saying "wait just a second, this is important" if I was watching a game. Now Ive learned how to continue listening to the tv despite the talking.

I've learned to test my husband on what I've said, so he can't use your strategy to avoid my talking. Poor guy, he's stuck listening to me or suffer the consequences! Sadly, I do still have to repeat myself a lot, so my strategy only half works. grrr! (Note I do respect when he is in the middle of watching something important to him.)

 

[W2R]

I guess I'm just lucky! It seems to me that usually in our conversations F. does a little more talking than I do, and I do a little more listening than he does.

One of the things we both like about each other, is the experience of intelligent conversations. It's great to be able to use technical language or "ten dollar words" in a conversation without worrying about seeming stilted or weird.

 

[Mulligan]

I've learned to test my husband on what I've said, so he can't use your strategy to avoid my talking. Poor guy, he's stuck listening to me or suffer the consequences! Sadly, I do still have to repeat myself a lot, so my strategy only half works. grrr! (Note I do respect when he is in the middle of watching something important to him.)

A test? Cruel and unusual punishment! I do agree with most people that guys get together for specific reasons. My GF just last week mentioned to me that she doesnt understand why one of my best friends and I even bother to get together, because all we do every time is drink some beers, talk about sports and betting. I told her that is exactly why we get together. If we werent planning on doing that there would be no reason to get together.

 

[Finance Dave]

A test? Cruel and unusual punishment! I do agree with most people that guys get together for specific reasons. My GF just last week mentioned to me that she doesnt understand why one of my best friends and I even bother to get together, because all we do every time is drink some beers, talk about sports and betting. I told her that is exactly why we get together. If we werent planning on doing that there would be no reason to get together.

Amen. LOL

 

[Lsbcal]

I have nothing against superficial topics - that's obvious from some of my posts In fact, the people I'm closest to, enjoy being downright silly.

What I meant is that I learned, early on, that I am willing to be "there" for more people than would be "there" for me. Also, something about me tends to engender frenemies, who pretend to be very interested in me, and later on use the things I confided in them to stab me in the back. Frankly if I can't trust people, I would rather not interact with them at all.

Amethyst

Interesting that this is the second time in 2 days that I've come across that word, which is new to me. The first instance was in a conversation on a trail when I happened upon a "trail friend", me running and him walking. I didn't think I had the experience of a frenemy until I looked it up in the Urban Dictionary here: Urban Dictionary: frenemy

It turns out I've had a frenemy or two. These types in particular from the above source rang some bells:

Someone who is both friend and enemy, a relationship that is both mutually beneficial or dependent while being competitive, fraught with risk and mistrust.

somone who you pretend to like but really you both know you hate eachother..

A person with whom you may have a lot of fun and/or a lot in common, who also has a vile and random dark side. These relationships are worth doing a cost/benefit analysis on. Also, limiting relationships with frenemies to non-SO relationships is a must. Why? Because it’s ultimately all about them after all, and you will need to be in a position to get away from them for indefinite periods of time. Know too, that you will probably become their frenemy as well—because you won’t be able to keep from talking behind their back. If this happens, don‘t expect everyone to get it—some will wonder why this person enrages you so much and others will wonder what you see in them.