A relative's fear of dying (Necrophobia)

[2177V]

I have a close relative in his mid-70's who has an extreme fear of dying which is called Necrophobia. A few examples of his fear.

(1) He still wear a mask to a recent family event though everyone (including him) has been fully vaccinated.
(2) I am only a few years younger. When I tell him that I still go surfing for recreation and ride my bicycle for exercising, he always tells me that I should be afraid of sharks and cars hitting me.
(3) He has withdrawn from meeting new people and friends and he lives like a hermit.

I hate to see him like this because in his younger days he was a funny and sociable person. Now he talks about death all the time and I already told him that he needs to let go of his fear of death because everyone will die someday and it is best to live life to the fullest until that day comes.

Anyone out there has a similar friend or relative who fears death so much that it dominates his or her life? I am interested to see how other people handle this situation.

 

[Aerides]

A couple of thoughts:

You can't change anyone. You can be kind. So drop any "but I do this" or "you should/shouldn't" and just enjoy his company. Don't question the masking - it doesn't hurt you.

Telling him to let go of his fear is almost mean. He might have an underlying mental illness or anxiety. It's like telling someone with depression to lighten up and smile.

Just accept this is who he is, and change the subject when needed.

 

[jollystomper]

I hate to see him like this because in his younger days he was a funny and sociable person. Now he talks about death all the time and I already told him that he needs to let go of his fear of death because everyone will die someday and it is best to live life to the fullest until that day comes.

This approach never works, in my opinion and personal observation. People's direct personal experiences tends to overwhelm what would be considered logic. If he were sociable before, something may have happened to him to set him on this course. Or he may just be type who fears aging and not being as "vibrant" as young. After all, "Graceful aging" is not a popular concept these days.

I have friends like this, and all I do is let them be, acknowledge their concerns, and go on with my life.

I also have friends on the other side of this spectrum - who still insist on doing what I think are"reckless" things. I have to remember that they may perceive me as I might perceive those with a fear of death... so I also just let them be as well. Life is a balance .

 

[Major Tom]

A couple of thoughts:

You can't change anyone. You can be kind. So drop any "but I do this" or "you should/shouldn't" and just enjoy his company. Don't question the masking - it doesn't hurt you.

Telling him to let go of his fear is almost mean. He might have an underlying mental illness or anxiety. It's like telling someone with depression to lighten up and smile.

Just accept this is who he is, and change the subject when needed.

+1. Very well expressed.

 

[Car-Guy]

When I was younger (<50), I felt I'd live forever. Now that I have , I realize my days are numbered.... Now at >70, my time horizon is measured in years (not decades) and that may be optimistic. I just don't dwell on it... I sometimes think of how I dodged a bullet (literally) a few times, so the way I see it, I'm on borrowed time anyway. From my POV, no one gets out of this alive and 80 to 90 years is not even a drop in the bucket of time. Not much I can do about it anyway. I do wear a mask (sometimes), I did get a Covid and flu shot, but I don't smoke or play Russian roulette.... Other than that I'm not going to worry about it and I'll probably keep going until too many things fail me.

 

[aja8888]

When I was younger (<50), I felt I'd live forever. Now that I have , I realize my days are numbered.... Now at >70, my time horizon is measured in years (not decades) and that may be optimistic. I just don't dwell on it... I sometimes think of how I dodge a bullet (literally) a few times, so the way I see it, I'm on borrowed time anyway. From my POV, no one gets out of this alive and 80 to 90 years is not even a drop in the bucket of time. Not much I can do about it anyway. I do wear a mask (sometimes), I did get a Covid and flu shot, but I don't smoke or play Russian roulette.... Other than that I'll probably keep going until too many things fail me.

I'm just like you and have dodged a few bullets over my 78 years. And I feel the same way but don't dwell on it. But we live in this 55+ community that is 20+ years old and see some of the original residents that are 10+ years older than us struggling.

Very frequently we see the fire truck and ambulance enter the 437 home complex (one way in and out) and we see older folks hauled away, some to never return. Those that don't return, we see the kids show up to clean out the house and sell it.

If my DW were to pass before me, I will sell and get out of here. Maybe I'll move to a condo where there are younger folks where there will be less of me observing people fade into the sunset.

Sorry VC, no advice from me on your friend, other than what was said previously.

 

[rodi]

A couple of thoughts:

You can't change anyone. You can be kind. So drop any "but I do this" or "you should/shouldn't" and just enjoy his company. Don't question the masking - it doesn't hurt you.

Telling him to let go of his fear is almost mean. He might have an underlying mental illness or anxiety. It's like telling someone with depression to lighten up and smile.

Just accept this is who he is, and change the subject when needed.

+2

Accept, show compassion rather than judgement.

 

[Katsmeow]

Honestly, the 3 examples you give are not necessarily indicative of an extreme fear of dying. They may show someone more cautious, perhaps more anxious than you are. However, that doesn't equate to an extreme fear of dying. For example:

1. The mask. It depends on the size of the gathering and conditions in your locale. I personally think the "cost" of wearing a mask is small and benefits can be high so I might very well do this at this time.

2. People assess risk differently. I would not go surfing or ride a bicycle for exercising because to me there are other ways to exercise that involve less risk that work just as well. I don't quarrel with others who feel the same way.

3. On the withdrawal and hermit thing, that really depends on two things as to whether this is unusual. First -- is this a change in behavior from the past. Second -- if so -- are there other reasons the change should exist. For example, I am an introvert. I don't really seek out new people that much. That is nothing new. Right now I usually leave my house once or twice a week (visit a friend and go to store) except when I have a medical appointment (just had cataract surgery). However -- none of this is unusual for me. Also, I wonder about how he feels. I am not yet 70 but DH just turned 74. While he is in good health I can see that he gets tired more easily than in the past. So that could be a factor.

But if this being a "hermit" thing is new and is not Covid related I wonder if he might be depressed. If so, then he might want to talk to his doctor. Again, though, that doesn't equate to extreme fear of dying.

 

[aja8888]

But if this being a "hermit" thing is new and is not Covid related I wonder if he might be depressed. If so, then he might want to talk to his doctor. Again, though, that doesn't equate to extreme fear of dying.

Good point on the depression symptom. Three of my 75+ year old friends are on some sort of antidepressant medication. I didn't know it until it became a group topic at coffee one morning. I never probed as to the causes.

 

[RetiredHappy]

Honestly, the 3 examples you give are not necessarily indicative of an extreme fear of dying. They may show someone more cautious, perhaps more anxious than you are. However, that doesn't equate to an extreme fear of dying. For example:

1. The mask. It depends on the size of the gathering and conditions in your locale. I personally think the "cost" of wearing a mask is small and benefits can be high so I might very well do this at this time.

2. People assess risk differently. I would not go surfing or ride a bicycle for exercising because to me there are other ways to exercise that involve less risk that work just as well. I don't quarrel with others who feel the same way.

3. On the withdrawal and hermit thing, that really depends on two things as to whether this is unusual. First -- is this a change in behavior from the past. Second -- if so -- are there other reasons the change should exist. For example, I am an introvert. I don't really seek out new people that much. That is nothing new. Right now I usually leave my house once or twice a week (visit a friend and go to store) except when I have a medical appointment (just had cataract surgery). However -- none of this is unusual for me. Also, I wonder about how he feels. I am not yet 70 but DH just turned 74. While he is in good health I can see that he gets tired more easily than in the past. So that could be a factor.

But if this being a "hermit" thing is new and is not Covid related I wonder if he might be depressed. If so, then he might want to talk to his doctor. Again, though, that doesn't equate to extreme fear of dying.

+1. Very well said.

I mask myself when I feel that the environment maybe higher risk due to proximity to others.

I don't surf nor bike outside. I tell my good friend to not surf because of sharks and not bike outside anymore. This friend did get into a major accident last year while biking which resulted in concussion and surgery to his shoulder.

I am an introvert and don't like to hang with large groups. We do host intimate dinner with friends and vice versa. I golf and lunch at the club almost daily.

 

[Sojourner]

You might want to introduce your friend to some deep, insightful thoughts on the subject of death from the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus. Here are a few.

Death is nothing to us. When we exist, death is not; and when death exists, we are not. All sensation and consciousness ends with death and therefore in death there is neither pleasure nor pain. The fear of death arises from the belief that in death, there is awareness.

Death causes us no pain once we are dead, so it is foolish to allow the fear of death to cause us pain now.

While we exist, there is no death, and once death comes, we are no longer alive. Thus, there is no death for the living or for the dead.

Epicurus was wise, indeed.

 

[Yipper]

This reminds me of a bit some comedian did a long time ago (maybe George Carlin - can’t remember who), who said: “those people driving slower than I am are idiots and those people driving faster are morons”.

I guess we all are on the spectrum here. Nobody is right or wrong about how they feel.

 

[aja8888]

This reminds me of a bit some comedian did a long time ago (maybe George Carlin - can’t remember who), who said: “those people driving slower than I am are idiots and those people driving faster are morons”.

That's funny, but I say the same to my wife when I am doing the driving.

 

[MuirWannabe]

For me, and others I’ve known, having a spiritual faith in God, and belief in the eternal afterlife is a great source of peace and comfort. Having assurance of where one’s soul will go is rather important when it comes to fear of dying.

Don’t know your friends thoughts on this, but perhaps a gentle mention might get them interested in exploring what can bring such assurance.

 

[Car-Guy]

I guess we all are on the spectrum here. Nobody is right or wrong about how they feel.

Fully agree, except for those who disagree with me...

 

[Scratchy]

It sounds like he has decided that maintaining his health takes precedence over the inconvenience of wearing a mask, participating in certain physical activities or socializing. He may have health issues you don't know about that make his behavior very sensible. He likely appreciates your concern however. I'd keep trying to engage him however he feels comfortable.

 

[2177V]

Good point on the depression symptom. Three of my 75+ year old friends are on some sort of antidepressant medication. I didn't know it until it became a group topic at coffee one morning. I never probed as to the causes.

Best advice so far. Please remember that I stated “close relative” which means he is part of our family. Talking to other family members, they agreed that “ignoring the problem is not solving a problem within the family” and there is an agreement to see him more often since he lives alone and never been married.

If Depression is a factor then he may need to take some sort of antidepressant. If I ever feel down then perhaps an “upper” pill may be warranted. I admit I took some drugs in college and my cares seem to wash away when I was having my “trip”.

For now I ride my bicycle to get an “adrenaline high” after reaching top of a steep hill (experienced bicyclists understands this). Or stand up on a surf board riding a perfect wave and the exhilaration causes all my problems to disappear. (Surfers also understands this too). Unfortunately my close relative is not into these activities.

After I get more input on this thread and get a little smarter on this issue, I will probably contact my personal doctor to seek advice on how the family should proceed. The possible depression angle is priceless.

 

[RobbieB]

Yes. Isolation is a prime symptom.

 

[Sunset]

..
If Depression is a factor then he may need to take some sort of antidepressant. If I ever feel down then perhaps an “upper” pill may be warranted. I admit I took some drugs in college and my cares seem to wash away when I was having my “trip”.

...
After I get more input on this thread and get a little smarter on this issue, I will probably contact my personal doctor to seek advice on how the family should proceed. The possible depression angle is priceless.

Depression medication is not uppers. Obviously this person may need to see a doctor to get a prescription if needed.

Myself, I wear a mask a bunch, I've always been afraid of sharks in the water so I only go in if there are a bunch of more tasty people swimming around. It doesn't come up much as I'm only around the ocean 1 week per year.
Riding a bike on a bike path is really safe, it's the texting idiots driving cars that make riding a bike a bit dangerous on the streets, but maybe your friend's balance, hearing, eyesight is less than perfect and a bike ride on streets is truly dangerous for him/her.

 

[badatmath]

I got rid of my bike cause I have seen too many killed in my town and I am not particularly old or afraid of dying. It just became not fun anymore to constantly watch the traffic. If I had a convenient bike path I'd probably have kept it.

I still wear a mask in public too. But I barely even notice it now it is like putting on my shoes before I go out. Just habit.

 

[tmm99]

Both 1 and 2 sound quite reasonable and sensible to me. I see no issues with either of them. 3 may be because of COVID. I have friends who are in their 60s and they rarely go out now because of it although they're fully vaxxed (they kind of live like a hermit) but they're still quite happy. Does this relative of yours seem happy? He's coming out to family gatherings still, right? So he wears a mask (because he wants to make sure he doesn't catch COVID from the vaccinated), but he still chooses to socialize (by protecting himself with a mask) and that doesn't indicate depression to me (although I'm not a doctor and have no medical expertise...)

Everyone should be afraid of dying up to a point. That's how we've survived to this day. Everyone does have a different comfort level and you can't compare yours with someone else's IMHO. Let's say I wouldn't go bungee-jumping in fear of the rope snapping or the harness becoming loose. Or wouldn't want to go skydiving afraid of breaking bones on landing. Am I afraid of dying? Damn right I am. I used to go down a road on a bike at the highest speed possible when I was younger. I wouldn't dare do that now.

 

[RobbieB]

I love to swim in the ocean, it has waves for fun, the salt is more buoyant and I don't worry about the sharks, the jellyfish, the urchins, the scorpion fish or the red tide.

Have 2 motorcycles, ride them often. Building another ebike.

If you do what you usually do, OK.

If you no longer do what you did before because you're afraid? Why?

 

[tmm99]

I love to swim in the ocean, it has waves for fun, the salt is more buoyant and I don't worry about the sharks, the jellyfish, the urchins, the scorpion fish or the red tide.

Have 2 motorcycles, ride them often. Building another ebike.

If you do what you usually do, OK.

If you no longer do what you did before because you're afraid? Why?

When I was younger, I was much more agile. I was very steady. My reaction time is definitely slower now and my balance is not as good either, so those thoughts tell me to slow down. This is with a bicycle though. I won't let go of my hands like I used to either. Your case is different as you ride a motorbike and I imagine motorbikes are much more steady?

When my mom was in her mid 70s, I was telling her that I sometimes go to an ice skating rink with my friend and she said that she used to love ice skating when she was a teenager and she wanted to try it again and asked me to take her. I said no. Do you think I should have taken her? She was visiting me in California from Japan with a travel insurance. There was no way I was going to take any risks like that with her at her age especially as a traveller in a foreign country. I thought she was out of her mind asking me this, but that's her comfort level, I guess.

 

[RobbieB]

Yeah, I do.

She asked and you said no because you were afraid. She wasn't. You could have held her and skated together eh? See if she still had it and then let go?

I dunno. I do know that fear is the life killer. If I want to do something I do it. I'll do it until I fall down and say to myself, hey, maybe I should quit? This hurts more than I thought it would -

 

[tmm99]

Yeah, I do.

She asked and you said no because you were afraid. She wasn't. You could have held her and skated together eh? See if she still had it and then let go?

I dunno. I do know that fear is the life killer. If I want to do something I do it. I'll do it until I fall down and say to myself, hey, maybe I should quit? This hurts more than I thought it would -

I don't skate all that well myself, so I could have taken her down instead of helping her . And I've never seen my mom play sports of any kind. But she definitely wanted to do it and wasn't afraid. It was me. I was definitely afraid for her.

As I got older, I am more careful of what I do especially when activities could potentially involve falling. (It's often slippery here in winter months with ice, etc, and I won't go for a walk when it's icy. I snowshoe though.)

I still play volleyball and roll and dive but when I'm trying to dig closer to a hitter, I raise my hands making sure I don't concuss. I never used to raise my hands but after getting hit a couple of times and hearing some friends with long term side effects, I do.

Like I said, everyone has a different comfort level, and probably in different situations.