Am I a loner because I enjoy solitude and is that okay?

[CuppaJoe]

Run, Dawg, Run!

 

[ejman]

In 1990 when I was 40 I took a years sabbatical do try and discover what I wanted to do when I grew up - what I discovered is that I really liked not working... I've always enjoyed my own company and my hobbies (reading, music, hiking) are such that are mostly enjoyed alone. I discovered after a few weeks though that in fact I missed some interaction with other people. I joined a volunteer group at a local nature park and worked on trails and such with a group of congenial people once a week - Problem solved!. Fast forward to now - been ER'd at our forest mini ranch in SW Oregon for 6 years and find that doing a growers/crafters market for a few hours a week serves the same purpose and works equally well (plus a little extra income doesn't hurt...)

 

[Goonie]

I also enjoy solitude and time spent alone. My job is rather unusual in that I work alone much of the time.

My work schedule for my first 15 years was 7 days of afternoon shift, 2 days off, 3 days on day shift, and 2 days off. Another guy worked the same schedule, but just opposite of mine....he on days, me on afternoons....me on days, he on afternoons. So I was all alone on afternoon shifts, and only had interaction with other employees for 3 day shifts, every 2 weeks. I absolutely LOVED it!

"loneliness is a word to express the pain of being alone...solitude is a word to express the glory of being alone."~~paul tillich, an existentialist theologian, and a bit of a loner lolol.

Thanks, Lazy! That's exactly the quote I was thinking of!

 

[Khan]

My work schedule for my first 15 years was 7 days of afternoon shift, 2 days off, 3 days on day shift, and 2 days off. Another guy worked the same schedule, but just opposite of mine....he on days, me on afternoons....me on days, he on afternoons. So I was all alone on afternoon shifts, and only had interaction with other employees for 3 day shifts, every 2 weeks. I absolutely LOVED it!

With that kind of schedule I might have stuck it out 'til 30 years.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

Thanks, Lazy! That's exactly the quote I was thinking of!

no prob. i mean not a problem, um, er, you are welcome. (now is it welcome, or welcomed?)

I hypothesize that the pain of loneliness is one of the major motivators to be social.

see, now, i always thought that's what our sex drive is for.

as much as i enjoy solitude at times, i don't always want to be the only one in the picture

even though i don't have a partner at home

sure, i could have gone out today and found someone to just do me

but sometimes it's fun to enjoy the day with a friend and take each other's pictures

because before today i didn't have a picture of my friend posing with a stranger

sometimes i go to the zoo by myself but today it was nice to have a friend. and for the times that i want company, well, going to the zoo by myself would have just been

 

[Dawg52]

Dawg 52, You can still find a mate . Lots of women would love a level headed golf playing guy who belongs to a country club has a cute dog and cares for his mother & aunt . What more would a women want ?

A guy with more money than me?

 

[Goonie]

With that kind of schedule I might have stuck it out 'til 30 years.

But then after 15 years, they stuck me on straight days, 5 days per week, Monday through Friday, plus every 6th weekend. Then I had to be around all [-] those whiners and complainers[/-] the other employees every day....all day....Yuck! Besides, I wasn't a 'morning person'....my idea of getting up early was around 8am.....I had to start getting up at 5:30am...Yuck! Thank goodness that I've been able to overcome that evil habit, and get back onto the path of righteousness......now once again, I'm able to consider 8am to be getting up early!

 

[Nords]

I'm sure that is true for many. I wanted to get married when I was younger, but it just never worked out. Guess I had one of those faces only a mother could love.

Hey, I've heard that hot chicks love dawgs...

 

[Tiger]

I also prefer my own company. Since I retired 5 years ago I have been able to to do what I want when I want. I would rather be on the computer, reading or puttering in the gardens then interact with people. The many web groups that I belong to satisfy my socializing needs. When we do socialize I have no problem enjoying myself I would just rather be home alone. I prefer going to see a movie alone too. Since my wife also prefers being alone we are quite compatible. I've never felt any need to explain myself to anyone, it's my life to do with what I wish.

 

[Lsbcal]

... I read all the stuff about having close friends can extend your life and wonder what I am missing.

Well when we are dead we are really going to be sorry! Bill, sounds like you are a well adjusted guy like me .

 

[Lsbcal]

... so go make friends. the worst that can happen is they'll rip your heart out.

Lazy, thanks for sharing all of those experiences with us. Sounds like you are still hurting. I think for guys there are fewer chances to become real close friends so we have fewer good/bad experiences to relate. I've noticed that guys my own age tend to shy away from making new friends -- or maybe they just think I'm too weird or uninteresting or whatever.

Other then my wife, I don't think I've had a "best" friend, just friends that are nice to talk once in awhile. I enjoy the occasional conversation with strangers like when I take a stretch break at the small lake I run to. Sometimes a 5 minute conversation is all I need other then interactions with DW and DD (12 year old blind Corgi).

 

[Rambler]

My wife is my very best friend, and I suppose there is one guy I consider a very close friend, and one guy who I would call a best friend. But, one of these guys is in the US, one is in Australia, and I am in Asia, so its not like we see each other or even get to speak with each other that often. I suppose though that I could also me considered to be a "loner" as I don't "enjoy" socializing with people I am not already very close to. In my work circumstance, it is often required that I participate in a variety of social events...I am pretty good at participating, but I get absolutely no enjoyment out of it.

Honestly, when I think of ER, I think of the solitude and how much I will enjoy it. I do enjoy helping people, so I will probably do some volunteer work, but only things that don't demand a lot of social interaction...that would be too much like my current w*rk. If I had to do that, I'd rather keep working and getting paid for it.

R

 

[GoodSense]

I am in Lazy's camp (seems to be the minority, at least on this thread). I can stay home all day, but I prefer to be with a friend. For me, it's just more fun to enjoy and share good things with someone else. It can be a weakness. When I travel alone, I feel an intense desire to meet people and make friends, just to hear their stories. But often that takes courage and initiative, and I was raised to be a shy person who feels that she SHOULDN'T approach others for friendship. Beautiful places only intensify that longing for companionship.

Boy I must have listened to too much opera this weekend.

 

[Canadian Grunt]

I FIREed four years ago or I guess semi-FIREed four years ago. I am 55, have a great DW, married over 30 years and have two grown kids. I enjoy being with people, talking to people and most all social settings. But, I also enjoy just being by myself. My DW is still working and is gone by the time I get up. I can spend the whole day, just hanging around the house, by myself and I have a great time. I sometimes think to myself that I am as happy as a pig in (the stuff pigs like to be happy in). I have friends, but none that I would call close friends. I read all the stuff about having close friends can extend your life and wonder what I am missing. I drove across the country, by myself and I really had a good time. I go to a local coffee shop, twice a week, by myself and read the paper. I have a great time. Am I crazy or just different or maybe a little of both. I think I have a very good self-worth attitude about myself, if that is what you call it. Are there any other folks out there that just enjoy life on their one lane road?

PS: When the DW if not working we spend time together, do things together and enjoy being together. So there is not a problem there, as far as I know.

I expect there are a lot of introverts on this board. You can count me as one. I enjoy my freedom. I Ride a Harley by myself, love the freedom, although I do stop for the required coffees to chat, I just don't like the group riding thing. I think many introverts take strength from within. Sounds like you have it together.

Balance is the key. It only becomes a problem when you start to hole up in your house and shun social interaction. This doesn’t appear to be a problem for you.

 

[Gardnr]

I expect there are a lot of introverts on this board.

Yep, I'm starting to think that there may be some strong correlation between ERs (and those striving to do so) and some large degree of introversion (loners). Maybe it's more a correlation with those who LBTM and other related values that lead to ER. Interesting.

 

[v5200]

Yep, I'm starting to think that there may be some strong correlation between ERs (and those striving to do so) and some large degree of introversion (loners). Maybe it's more a correlation with those who LBTM and other related values that lead to ER. Interesting.

Sounds like we need a poll...

 

[Dudester]

Yep, I'm starting to think that there may be some strong correlation between ERs (and those striving to do so) and some large degree of introversion (loners). Maybe it's more a correlation with those who LBTM and other related values that lead to ER. Interesting.

There was a "study" on this topic that appeared on the Intercst early retirement site. It basically concluded that introverts were the most common early retirement personality type. See URL

Is There a Retire Early Personality Type?

 

[haha]

There was a "study" on this topic that appeared on the Intercst early retirement site. It basically concluded that introverts were the most common early retirement personality type. See URL

Is There a Retire Early Personality Type?

A true extrovert would have a lot of trouble dealing with the social deprivation necessary just to save all that money. There are 6 or 7 bars in 2 blocks one block down from me. They are hopping with young people till late every night. All that costs a fair amount of money.

Ha

 

[Nords]

There was a "study" on this topic that appeared on the Intercst early retirement site. It basically concluded that introverts were the most common early retirement personality type. See URL
Is There a Retire Early Personality Type?

Either that or they were the most likely to respond to an anonymous poll on an Internet ER discussion board from the privacy & comfort of their computers.

The extroverts were out & about conducting their own polls at local gathering places...

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

Lazy, thanks for sharing all of those experiences with us. Sounds like you are still hurting.

you're very welcomed, lsbcal. i like to think there might be something to be said in telling stories.

a neighbor of mine, the guy cattycorner who sold and moved recently, lived here since about 2001. since then he seemed to want friendship but only as it suited him. there was only a certain level to which he would relate, beyond that, a wall he built but would not scale. i asked him about this because, other than common courtesies, i tired of putting forth time & effort into what soon enough became apparently an abyss devoid of intimacy. “why don’t you let anyone in,” i asked. he answered, “why bother, what good can that do?” his response wasn’t psychopathic, but sent shivers up my spine just the same.

this sad guy dealt with hurt by not dealing with it but by becoming dead to it. pretense makes a weak prescription. the past can’t be erased. a limp won’t heal by sawing off a leg. phantom pain, how do you fight what you can not see? ya might think you’ve won, butchya ain’t gotta leg ta stand on. you lose, pain wins. next in line please.

so sure, when good friends hurt you, that pain lasts forever. that's life. it doesn't mean you stop making friends just because someone might hurt you again. because that's not life. that’s just living dead.

a wound site or frostbite. one radiates warmth but causes discomfort which can be soothed and eventually scars over, faded but always there. the other is just numb, it might fall off; it’s gone but it leaves you bitter. i would rather drag a leg through life than hop on the one good one. i would rather continue to feel the pain and take a chance on getting hurt again, then to deny it and refuse the possibility that maybe the next friend might help me heal.

I think for guys there are fewer chances to become real close friends so we have fewer good/bad experiences to relate. I've noticed that guys my own age tend to shy away from making new friends -- or maybe they just think I'm too weird or uninteresting or whatever.

depends on the guy. i wouldn't take that personally. most likely the problem is theirs, not yours. most of my friends (male & female) have at least a few friends. one guy i'm currently thinking of, a rabidly str8 man, who i'll be visiting this november and who will be down here this winter has been hurt by other friends (people i know) yet he still maintains old and creates new good relationships. another, my friend who is moving to florida for his early retirement, picked a house in a development down here just houses away from one of his current neighbors who is also moving to florida. even one of his sisters bought a house on the same block. how nice is that.


but those things don't just happen on their own. you have to make them happen.


i think you are right about people shying away from making new friends as we age. we become more set in our ways, less tolerant of difference & of what we consider to be nonsense, etc. i think the trick is to not be such a stick in the mud. to be more flexible. less demanding. more accepting. never lose your sense of fun, the child in you who plays well with others.

one of my xfriend's many problems is that she thinks she is picky as hell. when she finds one thing she doesn't like in a person she uses that to reject all the good things in a person. but it has nothing to do with her evaluation of the other person, rather with her own fears. her game is to reject them first before they have a chance to reject her. so in the 20 years i knew her, i don't think she's ever had a fourth date. if she doesn't fix this she's gonna die alone, oddly, her worst fear. all because she never figured out how to keep a friend.


really, when i look back, how much did i ever have in common with a lot of my old friends? but the thing about that is that in looking back now, we actually have more in common now then we did then because now we have shared history. and i'm not dead yet. i can still make a new friend who could be my friend in 20 or 30 years or more, reminiscing together about the silly fun we had in the youth of our 50s.

Other then my wife, I don't think I've had a "best" friend, just friends that are nice to talk once in awhile. I enjoy the occasional conversation with strangers like when I take a stretch break at the small lake I run to. Sometimes a 5 minute conversation is all I need other then interactions with DW and DD (12 year old blind Corgi).

my ol'man was like that, sans the dog. he had his drinking buddies who pretty much dumped him when he stopped drinking and of course he had mom. but outside of mom, he had only one other best friend in his entire life who happened to be my partner's dad. (our mother's introduced us.) sadly, my partner's dad died too soon and so the ol'man lost his best friend. mom was his world. he's lucky he died first because i think if mom had died first, he'd have lived a lonely life. not one of solitude, but of solitary confinement. therein lies the danger of being alone. so it is very good that you chat with strangers because you never know when one of them might become your friend.

 

[Lsbcal]

Lazy, thanks again! It does not come naturally but I try to remember all the postivie things that are going on around me and the good things about people I meet -- getting a little better at that.

 

[freebird5825]

Yep, I'm starting to think that there may be some strong correlation between ERs (and those striving to do so) and some large degree of introversion (loners).

Introvert? what's that mean? is that kinda like shy?

EXTROVERT all the way here. wooohoooooooooooooo

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) seminar years ago determined i was type ESTJ.
anybody else ever do this seminar?

 

[oma]

There was a "study" on this topic that appeared on the Intercst early retirement site. It basically concluded that introverts were the most common early retirement personality type. See URL

Is There a Retire Early Personality Type?

WOW! This could be very true for me.

 

[oma]

Introvert? what's that mean? is that kinda like shy?

EXTROVERT all the way here. wooohoooooooooooooo

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) seminar years ago determined i was type ESTJ.
anybody else ever do this seminar?

Yep - ISTJ (Introvert, Sensing, Thinking, Judging) - very consistent over two decades.

 

[kyounge1956]

Introvert? what's that mean? is that kinda like shy?

EXTROVERT all the way here. wooohoooooooooooooo

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) seminar years ago determined i was type ESTJ.
anybody else ever do this seminar?

I've taken the Myers-Briggs twice. I'm an INTJ.