Considering living with mother-in-law (MIL)

[Teacher Terry]

Dementia can turn even the sweetest people into horrible people but it’s not their fault. It’s the disease. My mom was determined to stay in her own apartment even though she was dying of cancer. The last 3 years were difficult but we honored her wishes. It did require us 3 kids at times to move in with her for 2-4 weeks when she needed it. I was the only one working and not living close by. For those years I used all my vacation and sick leave to help her. The brunt of it fell to my siblings as they were retired. However, she would go long stretches not needing help.

 

[corn18]

Just so many red flags flying in your post.

Is your MIL mentally incompetent? If not her desire is to live out her days in her own home. You might not think it's the best option for her, but it's what she wants. She doesn't want to move, she doesn't want assisted living, she's not sure she even wants to live in the same house as you do. You might call it stubborn but perhaps she see you as the stubborn bossy ones. And who are you to override someone's decision about how she wants to live the rest of her life? I'm speaking as someone who has lived this and came to realize that taking over control of someone's life because you know what's better for them in your mind is just a form of trying to control something that's uncontrollable. You see her a ungrateful when in fact she isn't ready to give up control of her life and in fact a lot of her dignity.

My DH Uncle at 92 is going thru this right now and insisted on being discharged from the NH with the full awareness that a slip and fall at home, which has a good change of happening could kill him. He wants to be home and doesn't care that he might have longer life in the NH, he's ready to accept whatever happens. He sons freaked out and they had huge arguments over his decision that could very well linger and cast a shadow over whatever days he does have remaining.

If your MIL is mentally compromised you have other issues to contend with. In that case see an elder care attorney about the pitfalls of caring for someone in a compromised state and protecting yourself from misuse of funds issues.

Let me say you are not just leaving her there to die. Honoring her wishes and letting her have a say about the rest of her life is one final tribute you can give her.


You're putting too much pressure on yourself by saying you are a "family first kind of family" what does that even mean? You will have failed some internal test if you simply let your MIL's life play out the way she wants it to?

My last bit of advice would be to tell you to love her and respect her wishes and tell her if she ever wants to change her circumstances your family will be there with bells on to make that happen. Don't make it you vs her and perhaps when she thinks it her call she will be willing to open her mind to life improvements.

Enjoy your holiday with her and don't even bring this up. Make it about family and Christmas just dial back and see what happens.

Wow. Thank you for your candor. We have definitely been imprinting our desires onto the situation. But my MIL is very sound of mind and knows what she wants. We should honor that. And we will.

It's funny because as a business leader, I am always emphasizing servant leadership. I tell my direct reports that they should start every meeting with "How can I help", not "This is what we are going to do". I should follow my own advice.

We will start our talk with DMIL with "How can we help" and then just listen. And help her do what she wants.

Thank you for the clarity.

 

[ivinsfan]

Wow. Thank you for your candor. We have definitely been imprinting our desires onto the situation. But my MIL is very sound of mind and knows what she wants. We should honor that. And we will.

It's funny because as a business leader, I am always emphasizing servant leadership. I tell my direct reports that they should start every meeting with "How can I help", not "This is what we are going to do". I should follow my own advice.

We will start our talk with DMIL with "How can we help" and then just listen. And help her do what she wants.

Thank you for the clarity.

That candor was hard earned as I was involved in the final days of both parents and in-laws. I came to realize that I wanted to control a uncontrollable situation in a way that made me feel comfortable and cause me less stress. In fact more then once we just made things worse and caused a parent more stress and left them feeling resentful.


You might be surprised to find out the more you back off, the more she will open up to you about her fears and difficulties. You say you feel she's depressed. She probably needs to talk and share some of her feelings. She's not going to do that if she thinks she is giving you ammunition to force her to change her life.

Have a good holiday.

 

[ncbill]

Once someone needs diapers it’s time for a nursing home. I am surprised that your MIL wasn’t grateful for all that you did. She also should have given you guys some privacy and not expected to go out to dinner with you all the time.

I can't agree with this.

My relative with terminal cancer is much happier now that I've moved them from a shared room in a nursing home across town to a private room at an assisted living facility near me.

Even though they're so weak by now they live with diapers and bed baths.

Since they're already on Hospice, we're not concerned with "curing" any other conditions/complications that crop up, so there's no need for skilled nursing care.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Bill, that’s great but someone else is still changing those diapers. I certainly don’t want to it for anybody.