Do You Like Living Alone?

[Jerry1]

These comments about marriage remind me of some quotes or things I've heard throughout my life.

1. Its not bad enough to change, but not good enough to be happy.

This seems like where a lot of people end up. Of course there's a full range within this dynamic but basically, they're content, not happy.

2. The old classic - The grass is always greener.

I've seen this a few times in my life. People split up, usually it involves an affair. I'm sure that's exciting and fresh and all that new love is. Then that subsides and they find themselves dissatisfied with the new relationship. And, in the meantime, they destroyed their family.

3. If you put as much effort into your marriage as you did your affair, you probably would have saved your marriage.

It's kind of hard to not slack off in a long term relationship. You get comfortable with each other and you don't try as hard any longer. But of course, you need to keep working on any relationship.

4. My favorite - The one constant in all your failed relationships is you.

Yes, many people look outside of themselves for the blame or answer to their situation. Of course, sometimes people connect with a toxic person. That's a different matter altogether.


Personally, I feel like my relationship with DW has gotten better over time. We've been married 40 years. We had kids early. Those years were definitely the worst and most stressful. I was going to school and working on establishing myself career wise. There's benefits of having kids early, but low stress isn't one of them. Thankfully we made it through, though I have to admit, there was a point where I called a lawyer.

Skip to the last ten years or so and things are pretty darn good. It's hard for me to say DW is my best friend, but I couldn't see us being apart. We've been through so much and I've gained so much respect for her that I can't imagine not seeing this through. Of course we've both changed but we've built our family and that includes grandkids and there's no way I'd give that up. She's the mother of my children, the grandmother of our grandkids and that makes her a very special person in my life. Maybe not the infatuation type of love but something way stronger and way more important.

Per the thread - Could I live alone? Probably. The thing is, I've never lived alone. I lived with my mom until I got married at 20 and I've been with DW and family since. I certainly appreciate some alone time, but that is one of the things senior life and retired life provide. Me and DW are fine with being in different areas of the house or outside or running errands and getting our alone time that way. Not the same, but quality alone time does happen.

The question comes up from time to time - Would you remarry? I don't think so. Frankly, I hope I'm too old or that I go first. However, I'm pretty sure I'd find a friend to spend time with if I do find myself unwed in the future. I'm pretty introverted but I've always had a small circle of friends and my family to engage with. I'm pretty sure I'd find some type of meaningful relationship, but I don't think it would include marriage.

 

[Pellice]

I've lived alone a long time and before that, while saving up for a down payment, I had a roommate whom I was relieved to leave. We had some compatible habits, but she was definitely not a person I'd choose to spend time with. I've enjoyed living alone, the freedom, the lack of pressure, the control and choice over noise, activities, social contacts, expenses. I never wanted children, so that pressure wasn't present.

When I was working and feeling anxious, I felt calmer when I firmly shut the door after coming home and could say, "There, that's done for another day." Now that I'm retired I like setting my own schedule (very early bird) and errands. And no other person would put up with the way I cook - almost everything home-coked, but copious leftovers, and sometimes eating the same thing for several days in a row.

So I'm pretty sure I couldn't live with someone else at this point in my life. The idea of having a fight with someone else who actually lives in my house fills me with renewed anxiety, even though I know that's part of human relationships. But I hate conflict.

Of course, it's hard to foresee the effects of the changes of old age. But I think it would be doubly hard with two people.

 

[Markola]

Warren Buffett lived in Omaha and his wife ended up living in San Francisco. That’s one way to do it. We know a couple who have a house in the city but the introverted husband spends most of his time putzing around their country place, while the extroverted wife stays in town and works. They meet up at one place or the other on the weekends. It works for them.

 

[razztazz]

I've lived alone a long time......... I've enjoyed living alone, the freedom, the lack of pressure, the control and choice over noise, activities, social contacts, expenses. I never wanted children, so that pressure wasn't present.

When I was working and feeling anxious, I felt calmer when I firmly shut the door after coming home and could say, "There, that's done for another day." Now that I'm retired I like setting my own schedule (very early bird) and errands. And no other person would put up with the way I cook - almost everything home-cooked, but copious leftovers, and sometimes eating the same thing for several days in a row.

So I'm pretty sure I couldn't live with someone else at this point in my life. The idea of having a fight with someone else who actually lives in my house fills me with renewed anxiety, even though I know that's part of human relationships. But I hate conflict.

Of course, it's hard to foresee the effects of the changes of old age. But I think it would be doubly hard with two people.

Like, where the heck have you been all my life?!

 

[pacergal]

I have never lived alone, but know that I could. I have no wish to remarry if DH passes before me.
We are heading into year #44 of marriage. Lots of good times, more bad than I would wish, wonderful kids and grands. We have suffered tremendous losses and lived through some very big hardships, but also have had the most amazing times together.
About 7 years in (that "7 year itch"), I was ready to pull the plug. DH got some help, we worked together, and here we are!

While younger, with little ones, we often barely saw each other, we worked different shifts to decrease daycare expenses. As the kids grew, I would say we went through a long phase of "good friends with benefits". After the kids were older and out of the house, we have grown closer and retirement has been the cherry on top!
We make an effort to each be doing something separate daily, so that we have some alone time. Dinner and evenings is OUR time together. We both feel like we have reconnected, and are getting to know each other anew, as we are now, not as we were at 17 when we met.

It has been a long haul, not always easy or fun. Right now, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

 

[Turbo29]

And no other person would put up with the way I cook - almost everything home-coked, but copious leftovers, and sometimes eating the same thing for several days in a row.

I do that too. Once I make something, I usually keep eating it each day until it's gone.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I make something and eat it 3 days in a row. If I have more than that leftover I freeze it.

 

[skyking1]

yes 3 days is enough, then you can make a new leftover meal to enjoy. Having a frozen meal handy is great for those days you are just not feeling it.

 

[aja8888]

And no other person would put up with the way I cook - almost everything home-coked, but copious leftovers, and sometimes eating the same thing for several days in a row.

We are on the third day of the spaghetti and meatballs we made. I'm hoping we could stretch it to the weekend. This subject can be the start of new thread here.

 

[statsman]

DW is not a fan of leftovers. When I make spaghetti sauce, we'll have it the first night, have something else the next night, then use reheated sauce two days after the first meal.

Myself, I could have spaghetti 3-4 days in a row. I had chicken fajitas for lunch today that was leftovers from last night's dinner.

About this thread's topic ...

 

[Lakedog]

We are on the third day of the spaghetti and meatballs we made. I'm hoping we could stretch it to the weekend. This subject can be the start of new thread here.

Being single, if I cook there are usually leftovers for a couple of days at least, and I prefer that over cooking everyday. I have some friends that will not eat leftovers at all so if I am invited to dinner, I usually bring leftovers home rather than see food thrown away.

 

[aja8888]

Being single, if I cook there are usually leftovers for a couple of days at least, and I prefer that over cooking everyday. I have some friends that will not eat leftovers at all so if I am invited to dinner, I usually bring leftovers home rather than see food thrown away.

LOL! Great!

I spent a bunch of years being single between various divorces . I learned how to cook during those times, which I am not fond of (the cooking part), and I really learned how to live on leftovers!

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

We are on the third day of the spaghetti and meatballs we made. I'm hoping we could stretch it to the weekend. This subject can be the start of new thread here.

Ask and ye shall receive. Oddly enough, spaghetti is probably my favorite leftover.

https://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f27/leftovers-food-113119.html#post2737846

 

[aja8888]

Ask and ye shall receive. Oddly enough, spaghetti is probably my favorite leftover.

https://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f27/leftovers-food-113119.html#post2737846

Great!

 

[athena53]

And no other person would put up with the way I cook - almost everything home-coked, but copious leftovers, and sometimes eating the same thing for several days in a row.

Some of us would! That's pretty much my style.

On staying together for decades: there are/were (till one partner died) many genuine love matches in my family. I think my 4 siblings have healthy marriages.

OTOH, I've seen marriages become dormant after the kids are out of the house. They stay together because it's too much trouble and expense to break up. A friend whose wife pretty much shut down after the kids were out of the house was fine as long as he was working IT contract gigs out of town. When he had a stroke, he was back at home base and he's pretty miserable. She sounds like an unhappy person. They have enough to live decently ($1 million +, SS, Medicare, etc.) but between his lingering after-effects of the stroke (can't drive or do a lot of heavy house or yard work) and her chronic health issues, which include severe astigmatism that may lead to blindness, splitting into 2 households isn't a good idea.

I'm hoping that DS and DDIL will nurture their relationship, which seems very good now- in fact, I've offered to come up and hold down the fort with (God help me) the 3 kids if they want to get away together some weekend and I hope someday they take me up on it. A simple date night is an option, too. My siblings and I could not fathom why Mom and Dad wanted to go on the occasional vacation without us. Now I get it.

 

[Markola]

OTOH, I've seen marriages become dormant after the kids are out of the house. They stay together because it's too much trouble and expense to break up. A friend whose wife pretty much shut down after the kids were out of the house was fine as long as he was working IT contract gigs out of town.

I am convinced that for most of us, the people we chose as partners in our youths, wouldn’t be our choice in our 50s and that’s for good reason. If you’re too discerning in your youth, how and when will you reproduce? Nature has designed us this way.

I wanted to connect these two insightful comments. We happen to be at the age where several of our couples friends sent their kids off to college just before Covid hit. Many seemed quite depressed, because not only has the biological imperative passed long ago, but the more recent organizing principle of their families was also severed, plus they just miss their kids. And then Covid came along and they all ended up back under the same roof! The parents generally seemed thrilled and the college-age kids sort of mildly-tolerant. Slowly the band-aids are being ripped off again, which must be hard.

I guess we’ll find out soon how many of these couples were staying together because of the kids, or maybe they’ll tough it out, like we are. One of the couples took in an exchange student. One couple is SUPER focused on pushing their daughter to get married and have grandchildren ASAP, and one bored, neglected stay at home mom married to a doctor workaholic is getting her realtors license. Another bored, stay at home spouse wants a divorce, but has never worked, is quite introverted, and is married to a prince of a man who loves her.

There’s nothing wrong with any of this, other than it makes me sad to see a kind of shakeout happening in our 50s, now that the kids are grown.