It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Ed_The_Gypsy]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Thank you, Martha! For the least salacious funny here in a long time.

 

[poboy]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.

'We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,' said one trooper.

'Tell me! Did you find her?!' Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?'

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, 'Give me the bad news first.'

The trooper said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.'

'Oh my God!' exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the good news?'

The trooper continued, 'When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty five pound king crabs and 6 good size Dungeness crabs clinging to her.'

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the great news?'

The trooper said, 'We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.'

 

[heyyou]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Told as true stories by a local blind guy who has a sense of humor:
He and his guide dog fly on commuter planes to avoid the big jets. He flew from Phoenix to Yuma on his way to San Diego. In Yuma, his dog needed a rest stop so the blind guy was going to deboard. The pilot volunteered to escort the dog instead. Newly boarding passengers were concerned about seeing the pilot wearing sunglasses, return to the plane and board, guided by the seeing eye dog!

Same guy exits the wrong door at a corner business downtown, so he can't find his next stop, the bank. When he asks for help, the stranger leans over to explain the directions to the dog.

 

[d]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona,
when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking along the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, while shaking her head up and down, she said ..."Good trade ... "

 

[bosco]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young
lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.


The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the
woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation.


Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure," she said with a slur,
obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back
and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top
of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that
carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."


The landlord nodded and said,

"Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

 

[REWahoo]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I attended a party this past weekend.

After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman, standing alone, across the room. When I approached and asked her name, she coyly replied, "Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," I replied, "is it a family name?"

"No," she responed. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the two things I like most in the world--cars and men."

Then she asked, "What's your name?"

I hesitated a half second and replied, "Beertits".

 

[Alan]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.....

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
**************************************************************************************************

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

****************************************************************************************************


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got the
Fokker in sight."
****************************************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
***************************************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
****************************************************************************************************


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the
following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a very BBC accent): "Because you lost
the bloody war!"

I thought these were very good....
****************************************************************************************************


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."
*****************************************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you
make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and
I'll have enough parts for another one."
****************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but
it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
*************************************************************************************************

While taxiing at Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for
Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an
unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I
married to you once?"

 

[Bruce]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.


While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of

time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"


His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

:

 

[simple girl]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Where to retire!

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.


You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction


You can Live in Texas where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.


You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.


You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"


you can live in Florida where.....


1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even on houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. Want a thrill....stick around for hurricane season!!!

 

[Linney]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Don't forget us!

Where to retire

You can live in the Pacific Northwest where...

1. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
2. You’ve used the statement “sun break” and know what it means.
3. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain.
4. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima, Spokane and Willamette.
5. You are not fazed by “Today’s forecast: showers followed by rain,” and “Tomorrow’s forecast: rain followed by showers.”
6. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
7. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
8. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.

 

[Rick S]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A sin to tell a lie....

A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may
I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer
that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry
it through Customs for me? Under your robes
perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:
I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question
you."

When they go to Customs, she let the priest go ahead
of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have
anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have
nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to
the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on
a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

 

[Martha]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell pho ne.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness To all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

 

[Alan]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary, to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?" Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

These three bulls were at a farm talking about the pending arrival of a new bull.

The first bull says "well, I been here a long time, and most of these cows are mine, no way am I sharing any of em with the new bull!"

The second bull says "I aint got as many cows as you, and I aint sharin' either!"

The third bull snorts and adds "I only been here a couple years and aint got but about 5 cows that even like me, no way this new bull's gettin any of 'em!"

About that time the trailer arrives at the farm, and out steps the biggest meanest looking bull that they have ever seen.

He's a beast, standing as tall as a horse, wide as a barn door!

He strides over to the fence and looks OVER it insted of through it, a deep rumbling in it's chest grows to a thunderous roar as it bellows, shaking it's cragy barrel sized head adorned with massive horns.

The first bull, taking it in, says "You know, it just aint right that a new fella should be alone in a new farm, I think I'll let this bull have a few of my cows, its the right thing to do"

The second bull says "Hell, your right, matter of fact, I'll let him pick whoever he wants"

The third bull remains silent, staring at the monster at the fence.

Suddenly, he pitches his head back and bellows, scattering dirt as he paws the ground, nostrils flaring, snot flying as he snorts.

The others, alarmed, look on in shock.

"Hey man," the first bull warns, "Are you crazy? that thing will kill you!"

The third bull looks at them and says "I just want to make sure that HE knows that I'M a bull!!"

 

[scrinch]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."

 

[REWahoo]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An Irish woman of advancing years visited her
physician to solicit his help
in reviving her husband's flagging libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an
aspirin!"

"Not to fret,"replied the doctor. "Give him an
Irish Viagra."

"What's an Irish Viagra, Doctor?"

"That's where you just drop the Viagra into his
morning coffee. He won't even taste it," replied the
doctor. "Give it a try and call me in a week
to let me know how things went."

Not even a week had gone by before she called the
doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress of
the experiment.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! T'was horrid, just too terrible, doc!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised. I slipped the Viagra
into his morning coffee and it took effect almost
immediately. He jumped hisself straight up, with a
twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging
proudly! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the
cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there, making wild,
mad, passionate love to me right on the tabletop!
T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean to
say the sex your husband gave you wasn't any good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
T'was the best sex I've had in twenty-five years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here before you, I'll never
be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

 

[BUM]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Saw a bumpersticker yesterday...

I used to have a life but my job ATE it!​

​

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

That Fateful Day In 1948

Many will recall that on July 8,1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.

However, you may NOT know that in the month of March, 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr., Hillary Rodham, John F. Kerry, William Jefferson Clinton, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Charles E. Schumer, and Barbara Boxer were born.


See what happens when aliens breed with sheep. This piece of information may clear up a lot of things

 

[REWahoo]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

 

[MikeD]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

SEVENTY-TWO VIRGINS
by STEVE MARTIN
Issue of 2007-01-29
Posted 2007-01-22

Virgin No. 1: Yuck.
Virgin No. 2: Ick.
Virgin No. 3: Ew.
Virgin No. 4: Ow.
Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!
Virgin No. 6: I’m Becky. I’ll be legal in two years.
Virgin No. 7: Here, I’ll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry!
Virgin No. 8: Can we cuddle first?
Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?
Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, “Like, what are you doing here?,” and I go, “I’m hangin’ out,” so he goes, “Like, what?” . . .
Virgin No. 11: First you’re going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate.
Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home!
Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special?
Virgin No. 14: I’m eighty-four. So what?
Virgin No. 15: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Virgin No. 16: Even I know that’s tiny.
Virgin No. 17: “Do it”? Meaning what?
Virgin No. 18: I’m saving myself for Jesus.
Virgin No. 19: Somewhere on my body I have hidden a buffalo nickel.
Virgin No. 20: Don’t touch my hair!
Virgin No. 21: I hope you’re not going to sleep with me and then go sleep with seventy-one others.
Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller?
Virgin No. 23: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed?
Virgin No. 24: Would you mind saying, “Could I see you in my office, Miss Witherspoon?”?
Virgin No. 25: Ride me! Ride me, Lucky Buck!
Virgin No. 26: You like your vanilla hot?
Virgin No. 27: Does Ookums like Snookums?
Virgin No. 28: It’s so romantic here, dead.
Virgin No. 29: Well, I’m a virgin, but my hand isn’t.
Virgin No. 30: You are in?
Virgin No. 31: Hi, cowboy. I just rode down from Brokeback Mountain.
Virgin No. 32: I’m a virgin because I’m so ugly.
Virgin No. 33: You like-ee?
Virgin No. 34: I’ll betcha you can’t get an erection. Go on, impress me. C’mon, show me. Show me, big shot.
Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven “virgin” has a slightly different meaning. It means “chatty.”
Virgin No. 36: Sure, I like you, but as a friend.
Virgin No. 37: No kissing. I save that for my boyfriend.
Virgin No. 38: I’m Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot.
Virgin No. 39: It’s a lesion, and, no, I don’t know what kind.
Virgin No. 40: I’m Jewish. Why do you ask?
Virgin No. 41: Hi, I’m Becky. Oh, whoops—you again.
Virgin No. 42: I just love camping! Camping is so great! Can we go camping sometime?
Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m a single mom.
Virgin No. 44: You like my breasts? They were my graduation gift.
Virgin No. 45: When you’re done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is.
Virgin No. 46: I’m almost there. Just another couple of hours.
Virgin No. 47: Get your own beer, you nitwit.
Virgin No. 48: No, you’ve got it wrong. We’re in the Paradise Casino.
Virgin No. 49: I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Gee, it’s late.
Virgin No. 50: You make me feel like a real woman. And after this is over I’m going to find one.
Virgin No. 51: What do you mean, “move a little”?
Virgin No. 52: Not now, I’m on my BlackBerry.
Virgin No. 53: I love it when you put on your pants and leave.
Virgin No. 54: We’ve been together twenty-four hours now, and, you know, sometimes it’s O.K. to say something mildly humorous.
Virgin No. 55: That was terrible. I should have listened to the other virgins.
Virgin No. 56: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No?
Virgin No. 57: It must be hot in here, because I know it’s not me.
Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.
Virgin No. 59: Did you know that “virgin” is an anagram of Irving?
Virgin No. 60: First “Spamalot,” then sex.
Virgin No. 61: Great! I was hoping for circumcised.
Virgin No. 62: Was that it?
Virgin No. 63: Dang. George Clooney was being reckless on a motorcycle, but instead I got you.
Virgin No. 64: Tonight, I become a woman. But until then you can call me Bob.
Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why?
Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in Düsseldorf for money.
Virgin No. 67: I’m just Virgin No. 67 to you, right?
Virgin No. 68: Pee-yoo. Are you wearing Aramis?
Virgin No. 69: Condom, please.
Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa.
Virgin No. 71: I’m not very good at this, but let’s start with the Reverse Lotus Blossom.
Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up.

 

[SC]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" and she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

 

[Martha]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously
heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the
time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist, "Its a
quarter to six" he says.

"Hey, thats a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a
little.

"Yeah, its not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display
not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest
metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice
says, "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very Western Texas accent.

A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake
continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city." The display is
unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "Thats not all" says Jake.

He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New
York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by
satellite positioning" explains Jake. "View recede ten" Jake says, and the
display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, its not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs" says
the inventor. "But look at this" and he proceeds to demonstrate that . . .
"the watch is also a little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar
device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal
paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice
recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my
favorites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you dont understand;
its not ready." "I'll give you $1,000 for it!" "Oh, no, Ive already spent
more than that . . . " "I'll give you $5,000 for it!" "But its just not . .
." "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and
development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for
merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing
the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you
right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his
decision, "OK" he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute" calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around
warily. Jake points to the two suitcases hed been trying to wrestle through
the terminal. "Don't forget your batteries."

 

[REWahoo]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Valentine Memories...


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember the Valentines Day when your father caught us in the back seat of my car??"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten out today."