Retired husband and working wife

[mwojdyg1]

Hi there, I'm from Alberta

My husband decided after 32 years of working in the railroad to just take early retirement. No planning was done. He had approximately $20,000 credit card debt, our house has a huge mortgage after remortgaging numerous times to help him out of debt. Loves to spend. He retired at age 55. Stayed home 18 months, drove me nuts. Debts got higher. Got an offer to work in Africa for $90,000 per year. Travelled 8 weeks out and two weeks back, first class, accomodations, chauffeur, everything paid. This week he announced that he is quitting, he's had enough of working again. He will be 58 this August. At home, he does not do the laundry, he does not pick up after himself, his household chore is to shovel snow in the winter or cut the grass in summer. We split the mortgage half-half, he pays the utilities, cable and telephone. I pay all the food bill, restaurants we go to, all the renovations in the home, do the painting, cleaning, etc. In the interim, I am 52 years old and have no hopes of retirement till age 60 at least. I'm a smart woman, however is this normal ... I've been married to him for 13 years. I forgot to mention, he enjoys travelling even without me as he does not know what to do with himself. He goes out to restaurants with his buddies, family, friends.

 

[Webzter]

I'm a smart woman, however is this normal ... I've been married to him for 13 years.

Well, if it's been that way since you guys started dating, got married, etc, then I'd suggest is normal... at least normal for your relationship.

Beyond that, I'm not sure there's a normal marriage. It sounds like you both have a different idea of priorities and maybe he doesn't even know what your's are. He also may not be aware that you have certain expectations of his contributions to both the chores and 'cutting spending' task if you haven't outlined it. After all, in his mind he put in his time and now he's relaxing as he sees fit.

Might be time for a meeting of the minds if you're unhappy. Take it from there before you let things fester to the point where you've gone from resentment to actively plotting his demise

 

[mwojdyg1]

Forgot to Mention

I married my husband in April of 1998. I was unaware that he had a habit of getting himself into debt although he earned a very good income. His first wife died of cancer back in 1990, their home was paid off, he purchased himself a brand new vehicle, went to Easter Island, amongst other exotic places, purchased himself a time share. Two years later, found himself in debt, sold the home, purchased another home, when I met him, he lost that home back in 1997 due to finances. His wife left him with three children, two girls, 13 and 15 and a 17 year old boy. He managed to make their life miserable, 17 year old boy left and till this day does not speak to him. The two girls, the 15 year old left when she turned 18 and the other one at 19. Seems she was searching in vain for companionship, had a few which did not work, including a 20 year old whom lived with him for one year. He purchased her a $18,000 piano, bought her a vehicle only to ship her off due to the age difference. In spring of 1999 that he had not stopped dating his previous girlfriend whom he lived with for approximately 10 months. Wow. After some therapy, etc. (I was 40 back then), we seemed to resolve his issue. Throughout our marriage, his lust for adventures seemed to come and go. He was working a 10 to 6 job and I had irregular shifts, out of sheer boredom, he needed companionship. That got him into more financial problems, had to bail him out by remortgaging our home. He also made some bad investments i.e. taking money off shore in hopes of earning 30% interest and needless to say lost that money, this time he had to sell off his insurance policy to assist in his loss.

 

[harley]

Is there a question in here somewhere? I'd suggest a carefully thought out asset allocation using low cost index funds. And more therapy.

 

[mwojdyg1]

A careful asset allocation would not work for him, his first wife took all of his paycheque, gave him an allowance, however .... must have been doing something right because they were financially well off. I, on the other hand, am not allowed to discuss any finances with him. Sooo ..... I work overtime, play the stock market to get extra income to keep us going. SHEESH

 

[mwojdyg1]

I'm rather baffled .... if a husband wife unite, do they not work together to share common goals and growth .... when my husband retired, he was not financially stable to do that, did not consult me. Shocked me, instead of paying off his huge credit card debt, decided he was going to squirrel away $32,000 retirement bonus on some sort of a land adventure. YIKES ....

 

[travelover]

I'm afraid that you may need a lawyer.

 

[FinanceDude]

Your marriage is in DEEP trouble, I suggest retaining a good lawyer and suggesting marriage counseling to your husband. If he says no, go directly to the lawyer and begin protecting yourself.........

 

[mwojdyg1]

Travelover, thank you for your response. I was hoping to avoid that route. I don't know what country or state or province you live in, however, here in Alberta, if you go thru a divorce, you are responsible for the other spouse's debts .... not too peachy. I've invested $130,000 of my own money into this recently acquired home and would be awfully upset at losing all of my hard earned income. My husband did not put a penny into any home we ever owned and now this current home we are paying interest only .... this would be a painful way .... I have attempted to talk to him about retirement planning, paying off his bills and the Africa stint was to assist him in decreasing his debt, however the pressure from his retired colleagues is great as they are all retired at an early age, homes paid off, etc. I believe it is peer pressure and embarrassment for him to have to work.

 

[73ss454]

Hey, maybe you can get 1/2 of his RR pension?

 

[REWahoo]

I don't know what country or state or province you live in, however, here in Alberta, if you go thru a divorce, you are responsible for the other spouse's debts ....

And if you stay married you are responsible for his current debts and his future ones?

The first step in treating a wound is "stop the bleeding".

 

[mwojdyg1]

I'm kind of embarrassed and have never even written publicly about my issues. I also forgot to mention that throughout our entire marriage, my husband has always threatened me with divorce anytime that I would bring up finances with him. When he retired and I showed him my concern and being displeased, he advised me, well let's separate and divide everything -- he also advised me to "suck it up" this is Alberta and you are responsible for my debts.

 

[mwojdyg1]

Response to REWahoo, yes, I am responsible for his current debts and future debts if I stay married to him.

 

[travelover]

Travelover, thank you for your response. I was hoping to avoid that route. I don't know what country or state or province you live in, however, here in Alberta, if you go thru a divorce, you are responsible for the other spouse's debts .............

I live in Michigan, was divorced and still have a scorching hole in my wallet. That said, life is finite and spending your youngest years left unhappy makes no sense. A lawyer can help you minimize the financial pain and a counselor can minimize the emotional pain.

 

[REWahoo]

Response to REWahoo, yes, I am responsible for his current debts and future debts if I stay married to him.

Yes, my point is you are not responsible for future debts once you are divorced and you haven't given us any indication his deficit spending isn't going to get worse. A divorce would at least keep the damage from increasing. Cut your losses.

 

[Webzter]

Sounds like the first wife had the "luxury" of treating him like an overgrown child in the finance department.

Start detangling assets, seek counseling, see if you can work through it. He may just need a wake-up call, he might not hear you, or it might be a root part of his character.

First rule of saving a drowning victim is to never put yourself in jeopardy of drowning as well.

 

[mystang52]

I don't see how this Forum can provide the help that the OP needs.

 

[REWahoo]

I don't see how this Forum can provide the help that the OP needs.

I don't see where any help has been requested, this might very well be nothing more than a place to vent.

 

[Aiming_4_55]

If the other party is not willing to be responsible, will it ever get better?

Can you reduce limits on credit cards, checking account balances, etc. to limit the damage? Perhaps he will get the message when things get declined!

Do you have access to an emergency stash? Time to start thinking about yourself.

 

[Patrick]

If it were me, I'd bail yesterday. I'd get a divorce and cut my losses as much as possible. File for bankruptcy to get rid of his debts, if it's allowed. No sense throwing good money after bad. There's an old saying, "A leopard never changes its spots." IMO, if you stay married you will never get out from under the albatross that's tied around your neck. Hire the best divorce attorney that you can afford. That's what I would do, but of course only you can decide in your situation. Good luck.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Good luck. Looking forward, where do you see yourself?

 

[ladypatriot]

I'm kind of embarrassed and have never even written publicly about my issues. I also forgot to mention that throughout our entire marriage, my husband has always threatened me with divorce anytime that I would bring up finances with him. When he retired and I showed him my concern and being displeased, he advised me, well let's separate and divide everything -- he also advised me to "suck it up" this is Alberta and you are responsible for my debts.

If I were in your position, I would consult an attorney.

I won't go into your husband's character except to say, from what you have revealed here, he appears to be manipulative, controlling, self-centered and irresponsible.

What assets are in your name? Do you have separate bank accounts or joint accounts? I'm sorry for your situation, but honestly, if I were you I'd be trying to figure out how to get myself out of the marriage with the least financial loss possible. Do you really see yourself growing old with this man, believing that he will care for you and cherish you if you can't support him any longer?

 

[REWahoo]

I won't go into your husband's character except to say, from what you have revealed here, he appears to be manipulative, controlling, self-centered and irresponsible.

Wow. I can only imagine what you'd say if you hadn't decided to not say anything.

 

[FreeAtLast]

It sounds like you need some outside help. The problem seems to be much deeper than financial.

Get some help ASAP. Talk to your spiritual leader, psychologist, lawyer.

Best of Luck

 

[tmm99]

from what you have revealed here, he appears to be manipulative, controlling, self-centered and irresponsible.

And disrespectful.