When the other set of in-laws ignore Virus Guidelines and Governor Stay At Home Order

[sheehs1]

It weird how complicated this stuff gets. From what you wrote you weren't upset that the other GPs saw the kids and you didn't, you were bothered by all the mingling and breaking the stay at home order.

It's like they want to see if you are principled or can be lumped in with the other grandparents as complicit. I'm sure its not that simple but still. And of course the fact the other GPs "came anyway" really has nothing to do with your DD's family not holding the line on staying isolated.

I had a similar thought to the one you voiced about being lumped in as complicit. Not certain it was intentional but it certainly would be the result...right?

I'm sure a lot of extended families everywhere are having the same type of discussions...

ivinsfan...you are correct. It was not about the other grandparents seeing the granchildren and me not seeing them.

It had everything to do with COVID-19 restrictions, traveling across states, breaking Stay at Home orders..etc.,

And perhaps for myself, I have felt real fear thru out this. Fear for my grandchildren and my daughter and son-in-law (as we all have) Everyone else in my biological family has done the same as me with the restrictions. So it was like right out of left field for me that the other grandparents were so cavalier about it.

Maybe I was a bit ahead of the curve in having posted my initial question but only perhaps because I have the other in-laws that apparently never believed the seriousness of COVID19 or supported our government and state efforts. However, they do understand the level of "judgement" that is out there and the FB post of the travel pictures have captions that make it sounds they were "sent" the pictures.

I don't know if their offer was intentionally to make me complicit but that certainly would be the result. Rather I believe perhaps it's to take a bit of the heat off the other grandparents or paint us all with the same brush?? Not sure.

You are right though, I agree that others with extended family may be having similar discussions in the future.

 

[target2019]

You are right though, I agree that others with extended family may be having similar discussions in the future.

Some would take the position in future discussions that it benefits the public in a health emergency to stay put and obey the directions of your state and the next one over.

It gets much more complicated after that, I know.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Thanks Bestwifeever for the post. Your first sentence hits the nail on the head: "would not see us or the other grandparents". A policy that treats all the same-good for them! I'm fairly confidant it was also DD and her DH's initial approach.

DD was very upset, (as all were), somewhat fearful, etc., particularly when my 6 year old granddaughter got off the bus the day schools closed, in hysterical tears, because someone on the bus told her "adults would die".

As the weeks have rolled by and some simply find it impossible to continue with Stay At Home Orders and some perhaps never did, boundaries appear to be loosening. That was not communicated to both sets of grandparents until and after his parents "decided to come anyway".

So now...the offer has been made to me...that when I go to the bayfront condo I purchased 3 years ago which is in the same city as DD and her DH, perhaps they will visit, provided we "walk" on the bay 6 feet apart (impossible with young grandchildren). I have only been to my condo once during all this, for about 2 hours to clean, flush toilets and change the setting on HVAC -then immediately back to my primary home.

Part of the point is or may be that I will have to decide whether to break or change my own level of restrictions because they have relaxed their boundaries with the other set of grandparents but did not do so until the "they came anyway" day.

I think I will sit tight for now and abide by my states Orders and Guidelines.

It’s so hard. I really miss our grandchildren—they are growing so fast without us, darn them! My state allows in-home childcare givers but that is precisely what DD told us grandparents we cannot do, to protect us from them (they are paying caregivers, so that also expands the number of people we would be indirectly exposed to should we see the granddaughters). Maybe it’s a good thing that three of us four grandparents have had open heart surgery (not me, though) so DD and DSIL are being very protective of us....

 

[Chuckanut]

The entire grandparent thing is the sadest part of this pandemic. Because my DD works at a hospital that has some CV19 patients, she is worried she will pass it on to the DGK (darling grand kid) who will exhibit no symptoms, and then pass it on to me. So, my plans to spend a few weekends shopping for her 'big kids' bike and helping her learn to ride it are shot. We run away to [-]fight[/-] play another day.

 

[ivinsfan]

Just talked on phone to DD..she's mad about Easter MIL wanted a family dinner. DD family declined citing the fact we have a stay at home order.

They did a zoom session on Easter to Granny's house and there was Granny, Granpa, SIL and family including small kids and Great Granny who 87 and has serious heart problems..

Three of the four working age adults work outside the home one in health care. WTH...DD's kids my young GK have been troopers about the lockdown.. they are 8 and 4 but when they saw their cousins at Grannys playing and with huge Easter baskets full of treats , they cried because they didn't get to go to Grannys.

I think I mentioned before I don't really care for Granny.. this kind of stuff is just how she rolls.

 

[donheff]

I think I mentioned before I don't really care for Granny.. this kind of stuff is just how she rolls.

On the positive side, the probability of a bad outcome is small for the kids and grand kids, assuming no existing health problems. Granny invited the risk but you don’t like her anyway.

 

[ivinsfan]

On the positive side, the probability of a bad outcome is small for the kids and grand kids, assuming no existing health problems. Granny invited the risk but you don’t like her anyway.

It's great granny with the heart issues and she's a great lady..she was at the MIL house. this happened during at stay at home order. They were all in on it,but still doesn't made it right.

 

[sheehs1]

Just talked on phone to DD..she's mad about Easter MIL wanted a family dinner. DD family declined citing the fact we have a stay at home order.

They did a zoom session on Easter to Granny's house and there was Granny, Granpa, SIL and family including small kids and Great Granny who 87 and has serious heart problems..

Three of the four working age adults work outside the home one in health care. WTH...DD's kids my young GK have been troopers about the lockdown.. they are 8 and 4 but when they saw their cousins at Grannys playing and with huge Easter baskets full of treats , they cried because they didn't get to go to Grannys.

I think I mentioned before I don't really care for Granny.. this kind of stuff is just how she rolls.

I am almost postive this is why DD finally gave up and went to brother's house where other grandparents were visiting after they "decided to come anyway". It would have been the same situation you just mentioned-a FaceTime with my grandchildren watching the other grandchildren (cousins) with the other grandparents and not understanding why they were not there too.

Some just make it so darn hard for others!

 

[sheehs1]

It’s so hard. I really miss our grandchildren—they are growing so fast without us, darn them! My state allows in-home childcare givers but that is precisely what DD told us grandparents we cannot do, to protect us from them (they are paying caregivers, so that also expands the number of people we would be indirectly exposed to should we see the granddaughters). Maybe it’s a good thing that three of us four grandparents have had open heart surgery (not me, though) so DD and DSIL are being very protective of us....

So hard Beswifeever! My daughter and son-in-law were doing the same-protecting me as much as themselves. To the point that when we learned the curb-side pickup at the local Walmart here had diagnosed people, they wanted to do Insta-cart shopping for me and drive it to me (an hour away).
Walmart was the only grocery here doing curb side. Others are 30 to 40 minutes away. No big deal. But I much appreciated DD and her DH's offer. Never have taken them up on it though.

 

[sheehs1]

The entire grandparent thing is the sadest part of this pandemic. Because my DD works at a hospital that has some CV19 patients, she is worried she will pass it on to the DGK (darling grand kid) who will exhibit no symptoms, and then pass it on to me. So, my plans to spend a few weekends shopping for her 'big kids' bike and helping her learn to ride it are shot. Oh, well, like Francis Marion - aka. the Swamp Fox, - we run away to [-]fight[/-] play another day.

It is sad. I don't know any Grandparents seeing their grandchildren unless they were providing day care or were in their daily lives to begin with. The reasons not to do so were well documented and discussed constantly by the Task Force.

Most of us accept that we need to sacrifice previous plans and this virus one day will pass! We hope!

 

[Bestwifeever]

So hard Beswifeever! My daughter and son-in-law were doing the same-protecting me as much as themselves. To the point that when we learned the curb-side pickup at the local Walmart here had diagnosed people, they wanted to do Insta-cart shopping for me and drive it to me (an hour away).
Walmart was the only grocery here doing curb side. Others are 30 to 40 minutes away. No big deal. But I much appreciated DD and her DH's offer. Never have taken them up on it though.

That's so sweet of your DD and her DH to think about what you might need them to do for you. I hope you can focus on that and ignore the stupid things those stupid other grandparents are stupidly manipulating them with (in the privacy of our home I might occasionally discuss with DH that we are the best grandparents ever ).

 

[Bestwifeever]

It is sad. I don't know any Grandparents seeing their grandchildren unless they were providing day care or were in their daily lives to begin with. The reasons not to do so were well documented and discussed constantly by the Task Force.

Most of us accept that we need to sacrifice previous plans and this virus one day will pass! We hope!

I wouldn't be surprised (and no judging) if some people I know have been seeing their grandchildren regularly and just not sharing that information, but two of my good friends have brand new grandchildren they are waiting to meet. That must be soooo hard.

 

[sheehs1]

That's so sweet of your DD and her DH to think about what you might need them to do for you. I hope you can focus on that and ignore the stupid things those stupid other grandparents are stupidly manipulating them with (in the privacy of our home I might occasionally discuss with DH that we are the best grandparents ever ).

Thank you so much! I have no doubt that much like your screen name you guys probably are "BestGrandparentsever"!

 

[sheehs1]

I wouldn't be surprised (and no judging) if some people I know have been seeing their grandchildren regularly and just not sharing that information, but two of my good friends have brand new grandchildren they are waiting to meet. That must be soooo hard.

I think those have posted on FB "they miss their grandchildren" probably are not seeing them. Then there are those that don't post that! So you may be right!

A new baby and not being able too see them would be very hard. Can't imagine if it was a "first" grandchild. At least I was there for that. My daughter wanted and needed me there. Only left the room "when it was time", giving her and her husband the private time for that.

 

[donheff]

I think those have posted on FB "they miss their grandchildren" probably are not seeing them. Then there are those that don't post that! So you may be right!

Not hiding out. I am fortunate to see mine every day. Here is yesterday's visit.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Not hiding out. I am fortunate to see mine every day. Here is yesterday's visit.

You're the lucky one! So cute.

 

[sheehs1]

Not hiding out. I am fortunate to see mine every day. Here is yesterday's visit.

I am glad you get to see yours! Do I see some fairly distanced "social distancing there"? Your grandchildren must be within bike riding distance. Good for you!

Besides, I think I had caveats in this thread along the lines of those whose grandkids or family that were part of their daily "circle".

The question and situation I laid out IMHO was quite a bit different and included travel across states and breaking laws to get into Virginia from a hotspot area. Looked it up last night and where they came from is 7 miles from City Center Philly...not the 30 miles I originally thought.

More importantly to me was the total lack of regard of how their actions might affect anyone else. Namely the other grandparents! But of course since I am staying away, I guess it doesn't affect me huh? Except that the risk that my grandchildren and daughter might have been exposed does affect me. And pictures posted on her FB indicated no social distancing during the visit whatsoever.

 

[donheff]

I am glad you get to see yours! Do I see some fairly distanced "social distancing there"? Your grandchildren must be within bike riding distance. Good for you!

Besides, I think I had caveats in this thread along the lines of those whose grandkids or family that were part of their daily "circle".

We are definitely keeping our distance. They live four blocks away so we see them most days but always at a distance. We have not been in their house and they haven’t been in ours. They have too much contact with neighbor kids and their parents are out to stores and such so we have not treated them as part of the household. Their parents are even more concerned with our need to isolate than we are and the GKids have shown good judgment.

We will watch what happens with reopening and with information regarding true mortality rates before we loosen up.

 

[Dash man]

I haven’t seen my grandkids in over a month except on FaceTime or Zoom. DW is bringing them some diapers, wipes and bleach I picked up at Costco today, but will drop them at their door, then wave at the kids through the window.

 

[Hermit]

First grandchild for grandparents on both sides was born last week. The other set are in DD & SIL close circle and cared for their dogs while they were at the hospital. Both SIL and his dad still work so their level of risk is higher than mine. I have had pressure from DD to visit but have declined for the next couple of weeks at least. I will make my decision based on the decline of hospitalizations in the local area and lifting of state restrictions. DD was worried that I would stay isolated for many months. That is not my plan, but the situation is fluid so I will not make a decision on visits at this point. A little pressure, but I will get through this as will DD. BTW the little guy is really qute!

 

[ivinsfan]

First grandchild for grandparents on both sides was born last week. The other set are in DD & SIL close circle and cared for their dogs while they were at the hospital. Both SIL and his dad still work so their level of risk is higher than mine. I have had pressure from DD to visit but have declined for the next couple of weeks at least. I will make my decision based on the decline of hospitalizations in the local area and lifting of state restrictions. DD was worried that I would stay isolated for many months. That is not my plan, but the situation is fluid so I will not make a decision on visits at this point. A little pressure, but I will get through this as will DD. BTW the little guy is really qute!

Granny from my earlier vent said to my DD, about Easter.. I guess we aren't really being careful enough, but it's Easter.

From my point of view you are either being careful or you aren't being careful, what kind of cop out is "not being careful enough"..

You are being careful and it's a sacrifice for you, your DD and that precious grandson who can't be held by his Granpa.. No said it was easy..it's far from easy..and I'm sure the little guy is adorable..

 

[KM]

We agreed to babysit our grandchildren starting in March, as their parents were still working but had lost their daycare. We are retired and were self-isolating (“grocery-to-go” shopping only), so we were happy to help. We had to change a few plans and travel to do this. Yes, it obviously increased our risk, but we were comfortable with that and happy to try and help.

After a few weeks, it was decided the other grandmother (who works part-time in a public place) would babysit on her days off (instead of us). I guess because she wanted to see the grandkids too (although all her other kids had told her “no....don’t come visit”)? Because she was bored? Because she didn’t think it increased everyone else’s risk coming to the house? Who the hell knows? All I know is we were told - in no uncertain terms - that they were NOT going to tell her she couldn’t come.

As a result, we decided to stop babysitting. Caused a lot of hurt feelings all around.....but we’ll all get over it.

Bottom line, the hard lessons I learned were:
1) be clear on what you are offering and your conditions for that offer, if there are any. We just assumed they knew we weren’t willing to have others coming over. Especially given they themselves had expressed serious concerns about the pandemic and criticized people who were still going out and about.

2) you can express your opinion, but in the end you have to let your kids make their own decisions. This one is by far the hardest to accept when grandkids are involved.


Next pandemic, I’ll be much better prepared.....

 

[sheehs1]

We agreed to babysit our grandchildren starting in March, as their parents were still working but had lost their daycare. We are retired and were self-isolating (“grocery-to-go” shopping only), so we were happy to help. We had to change a few plans and travel to do this. Yes, it obviously increased our risk, but we were comfortable with that and happy to try and help.

After a few weeks, it was decided the other grandmother (who works part-time in a public place) would babysit on her days off (instead of us). I guess because she wanted to see the grandkids too (although all her other kids had told her “no....don’t come visit”)? Because she was bored? Because she didn’t think it increased everyone else’s risk coming to the house? Who the hell knows? All I know is we were told - in no uncertain terms - that they were NOT going to tell her she couldn’t come.

As a result, we decided to stop babysitting. Caused a lot of hurt feelings all around.....but we’ll all get over it.

Bottom line, the hard lessons I learned were:
1) be clear on what you are offering and your conditions for that offer, if there are any. We just assumed they knew we weren’t willing to have others coming over. Especially given they themselves had expressed serious concerns about the pandemic and criticized people who were still going out and about.

2) you can express your opinion, but in the end you have to let your kids make their own decisions. This one is by far the hardest to accept when grandkids are involved.


Next pandemic, I’ll be much better prepared.....

KM, Oh my! - You guys changed plans and agree to help them out with lost babysitting when needed..sort of keeping your circle contained to include your grandchildren. You did not agree to have that circle infiltrated by the other grandmother who works in a public place nor did it start that way.

Sometimes it amazes me that when our children try to be straight line fair, the result can often be that it is not. Straight lines don't allow for the nuanced squiggles. Sort of like " we changed our plans to be able to do this, have been doing and containing it for weeks and she is exposed to all sorts of people in the public and we are not" and now WE have to decide "if we are comfortable with that? and exposed to "her exposures". I am so sorry.

What are they doing for babysitting now since other grandmother is only doing it on her days off?

 

[sheehs1]

I haven’t seen my grandkids in over a month except on FaceTime or Zoom. DW is bringing them some diapers, wipes and bleach I picked up at Costco today, but will drop them at their door, then wave at the kids through the window.

Same here Dashman except for me it's closer to a month and a half-6 weeks.

 

[ivinsfan]

KM, Oh my! - You guys changed plans and agree to help them out with lost babysitting when needed..sort of keeping your circle contained to include your grandchildren. You did not agree to have that circle infiltrated by the other grandmother who works in a public place nor did it start that way.

Sometimes it amazes me that when our children try to be straight line fair, the result can often be that it is not. Straight lines don't allow for the nuanced squiggles. Sort of like " we changed our plans to be able to do this, have been doing and containing it for weeks and she is exposed to all sorts of people in the public and we are not" and now WE have to decide "if we are comfortable with that? and exposed to "her exposures". I am so sorry.

What are they doing for babysitting now since other grandmother is only doing it on her days off?

straight line fair? in this case I call it entitled behavior...and in their case they reaped the results of it. cause=effect...and what difficulty they have with child care they brought on themselves..