Work-related social events question

[COcheesehead]

My DH is a social butterfly, and always the life of the party. I am a high-functioning introvert who becomes queasy when faced with a social occasion like this. I finally explained to him that there was NO reason for me to be at his work functions because once we get in the door, I could be kidnapped and he wouldn't notice until it was time for me to drive him home. He finally got it, but it took decades and many 'discussions' about it.


I relish the time home alone, and he gets to go to the party and when he gets home his wife is happy and so is he. Just explain how unhappy these things make you. Social butterflies have a hard time grasping this concept.

Have you ever explored whether you have an anxiety disorder? This seems much ado about a party.

 

[Music Lover]

This troubles me on several levels. One, he already spends 5 days a week, all day with these guys. Not counting the extra work he has to occasionally do on weekends. These are work colleagues, not personal friends (and likely, never will be). I’d rather spend the evening with our own family and friends. “Christmas” has a lot of religious aspects to it so this work-related dinner doesn’t seem to me to be non-secular and inclusive. A lot of the employees are out of state and work remotely. How will they feel knowing the business owners invited the local team and spouses to their home knowing they can’t attend.

I’ve always had very negative feelings about bosses who think they are doing their staff/employees a favor by taking them from their loved ones, even more than the job already requires, by hosting these type events during non-working hours.

A lot of people would enjoy meeting some of their significant other's co-workers. "Honey, how was your day" has more meaning when you've met some of the people they spend the day with. To me, it looks like the boss is trying to be accommodating.

Your attendance isn't mandatory and you always have the option to decline due to a "previous engagement". But, what if it was the other way around and you wanted to go but weren't invited? In that situation you don't have the option to invite yourself.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

When in business I would give my employees a decent sized gift certificate to a nice restaurant and some cash. I told them to hire a sitter and go have a nice time.


Eventually, I switched to just cash and told them to have fun.

 

[target2019]

Since December is filled with family events, it would be simple for an individual or couple to beg off. Babysitting a grandson sounds perfect.

I use similar excuse each year. There have been a few significant parties I've gone too. Half of them I regretted later.

My late brother and I were invited to a client's "show" one year. I went, and he declined. The reason? "How will this possibly improve my business relationship with the company." Nuff said.

 

[ivinsfan]

Yes, spouses are specifically included. As a long time, very committed vegan I’d just as soon pass on any free dinner that includes dead animals on my plate (plus, all the discussion that goes with declining same).

I guess the problem is pretty much everything and anything then. Probably best if you don't go, but putting pressure on the spouse to decline isn't really cool IMO....

 

[swakyaby]

Well yes, yes you are.

You can easily:

Make socially acceptable excuses (just to be polite) and don't go. No one will care.

I don’t get it, OP . . . I would feel pleased to be included on the guest list, rather than annoyed and resentful. Just have your DH politely decline for you. DH will feel more free at the party without you there.

 

[gamboolman]

Ms. Sanstar,

Respectfully - Just don't go. Your husband might be real glad you don't want to go. In my case that is a fact proven by 40+ year in the oil patch.

To Hell with them SOB's.... Ms. gamboogal knows that I will not heed my tongue at socials.....and if I have afew dirty birds...... well it can get interesting right GD quick - as I don't suffer fools and bosses.

Do you know what Boss is spelt backwards? Double SOB....ask me how I know....

 

[Rianne]

OP, it always felt like a strange obligation. I'd always see other wives sitting there, hating every minute, while DH chats about work with work friends. Now that I look back, it was social torture lol. I could not wait to leave many of the parties. The "company" expects the spouse to attend. I'm getting creeped out thinking about this. Sort of like the Stepford Wives. You brought up some painful memories. DH did make good $$ which allowed us to FIRE in the end.

 

[youbet]

Any w*rk related function is w*rk.

Exactly! That'w why when folks say they are "semi-retired," I remind them that actually they are "working part time!"

 

[youbet]

While I fully sympathize with not wanting to go to the event, the bigger issue here sounds like your DH. Why is he putting you in this situation (again)? He knows you, and presumably he knows this is not something you'd enjoy, and this is a discussion you've had in the past?

If you haven't been perfectly clear with him before, I say, go, smile, fake it for a night, and make it known to him this is the absolute last time ever.

If you have been perfectly clear, then you have to sit down and have a long talk.

And this should be a two way street with OP never expecting DH to attend an event with her unless it's something he really wants to do, work related or not.

 

[Sanstar]

And this should be a two way street with OP never expecting DH to attend an event with her unless it's something he really wants to do, work related or not.

It is a two way street. I avoided all after -hours, work-related social events...until I reached a level in the organization when I couldn’t. Then, I bought a set of CD’s titled, “How to Make Small Talk” (mid-90’s). Studied and practiced just like mastering any other job skill. DH was offered every opportunity to not attend but he actually enjoys them so always came. What I learned is that it’s easy to figure out who has also mastered and practices “small talk” vs who’s enduring the event until he/she can bail vs who genuinely enjoys being there.

Clearly there are members in all camps; all for the right reasons. For now, I’ll stick to my plan of retiring from work related social events and hope DH continues to enjoy the additional time spent with his work colleagues.

 

[Sanstar]

When in business I would give my employees a decent sized gift certificate to a nice restaurant and some cash. I told them to hire a sitter and go have a nice time.


Eventually, I switched to just cash and told them to have fun.

What a nice example of being a thoughtful, respectful employer, IMHO.

 

[CoolRich59]

Unless there are political ramifications that your DH is aware of, there should be no issue if he shows up sans spouse. My DW felt the same way and I routinely attended these types of events without her and nothing was ever said.

I’ve always had very negative feelings about bosses who think they are doing their staff/employees a favor by taking them from their loved ones, even more than the job already requires, by hosting these type events during non-working hours.

My megacorp was an Olympics sponsor and several employees were recognized by having their names put in for a drawing for a week-long, all-expenses paid trip to the Olympics. I was recognized by two different teams that I supported and so my name was in the drawing twice.

One of our execs asked me what I thought of this "honor" and I responded in much the same way as you indicated. I told him that I had put in lots of long hours, nights and weekends, and the company's idea of rewarding me is to take me away from my family for an entire week?

I guess I should have been more diplomatic, but was at a point where I no longer cared. Not surprisingly, not only did I not get selected for the trip to the Olympics, but I never again received any corporate awards or acknowledgments of any kind.

 

[MRG]

What a nice example of being a thoughtful, respectful employer, IMHO.

+1

I stayed away from many Megacorp events. Why? Well they didn't always include spouses, except some "special spouses".

If an event was all inclusive, either way, we would consider attending. The special spouse events I would decline and explain the reason.

 

[Morgan22]

What a nice example of being a thoughtful, respectful employer, IMHO.

+1. I wish my employer did this!

 

[youbet]

It is a two way street......... DH was offered every opportunity to not attend but he actually enjoys them so always came.

This is why eliminating group events completely is not fair to all. Some folks enjoy getting together socially with good food and drink or fun group activities. Putting these events together is not trivial if they are to be remembered by most as "special." It's fine that you prefer not to attend because your personality doesn't lean that way. But understand, some others not only tolerate going, they enjoy and look forward to doing these things from time to time.

Clearly there are members in all camps; all for the right reasons. For now, I’ll stick to my plan of retiring from work related social events and hope DH continues to enjoy the additional time spent with his work colleagues.

There ya go!

In our case, the division I toiled at while employed at Mega threw quite a number of off site parties and events. I was pretty neutral about them but generally went because (1) it was good for my career and (2) DW loved them. When we'd go very long without something coming up (dinner cruise on Lake Michigan, professional sports event, large party with quality entertainment, weekend trip to a resort, etc.), she'd actually ask about it! Frequently we'd attend an event not because I felt I absolutely had to for professional reasons but because it sounded like fun to her and she wanted to go. So...... we went!

So, yes, as you say "Clearly there are members in all camps." The whole key is to respect everybody, even if your personality traits make it tough for you to be flexible.

I'd also extend this outlook beyond work related events to also include events given by family and friends.

 

[CoolRich59]

When in business I would give my employees a decent sized gift certificate to a nice restaurant and some cash. I told them to hire a sitter and go have a nice time.


Eventually, I switched to just cash and told them to have fun.

Outstanding.

My megacorp used to have lots of social events, some with spouses invited, most without.

But, after closing a particularly large deal that had entailed a lot of extra effort, the GM of our division gave everyone a significant cash gift with a note that said “do something nice with your spouse and family”. I appreciated that tremendously.

 

[Moemg]

There imo are only two questions the OP needs to answer to make this decision: A. does she want to go? And B is one I’d ask myself, does the spouse want her to go?

The rest of it (what about the people who work remotely? Why is it “Christmas”? Why does it have to be in December? I don’t eat dead animals. Etc.) is just noise that probably does not have an impact on the A and B answers. And I am no social butterfly.

+1

 

[imoldernu]

What your heart tells you to do....

 

[Bir48die]

My old company was all consuming. Work together and then on off time hook up. My DW had a great attitude and went with it. They were great people. Then I retired. It was finite. So don't get all wrapped up knowing it's a short term deal

 

[Sue J]

Not really relevant to the OPs invitation but it reminds me of my company’s “mandatory Christmas Party”.

In the early 80s I worked for a family run company. The family was having some relationship issues. One son was doing a great job running things but his brother resented it and felt the boss brother was pushing out the elderly parents. So the Christmas party was mandatory. Spousal attendance was also mandatory but hard to enforce. It was a very nice event at one of the nicest places in town.

Before the end of the night there was a screaming match in the lobby involving the brothers and some in laws. The party ended quickly.

Eight months later the boss brother was found murdered in his home. Long story concluded with the other brother confessing that he hired hit men to kill his brother.

Like I said, not relevant to the OP. But as another introvert, I would decline.

 

[Moemg]

Not really relevant to the OPs invitation but it reminds me of my company’s “mandatory Christmas Party”.

/QUOTE]


In the 80's I worked for a medium size hospital .Their Christmas parties were stag no spouses invited .This was in the days when a lot of nurses wanted to snag a Doctor .A lot of affairs started at these parties and a lot of marriages ended .

 

[gwraigty]

I worked at a couple of places where Christmas gift exchanges were mandatory. Not fun.

 

[Scuba]

I think it’s hard for companies to please employees. If they don’t do social events, some workers complain about the lack thereof, and if they do, some complain about having to go.

In my last job, I decided to ask my team what would be a meaningful holiday celebration to them, and if they even wanted one. They did, but they wanted it to be on work time, so we did two celebrations per year. One was a lunch at a restaurant in the summer, and the other was a holiday afternoon/early evening celebration where we would eat together, play games, and have a gift exchange. It was over by 7 pm. No spouses at either event. The employees seemed to like both celebrations. Everyone attended and laughed a lot.

In addition to these team celebrations, the company had a big holiday lunch each year and gave all employees a gift card to a local grocer. People liked that the company contributed towards their holiday meals with family.

My previous mega rarely had celebrations of any kind, but had loads of business travel and fancy dinners so I think most people were pleased not to have to get together socially outside of work.

 

[Ready]

I had to attend the holiday party every year because I was the CEO, so I pretty much had no choice. DH hated these parties. I had to drag him every year. Eventually I decided to accept the fact that these parties make him miserable and I stopped expecting him to go. I enjoyed myself a lot more knowing I didn't have to worry about him.

It sounds like you don't like small talk, and you avoid going to events where you are going to be required to make small talk with others. I can relate to that. I find it easy, but generally boring because most people just talk on and on about themselves and never ask any questions about me or offer anything interesting to talk about. But I get through the evenings with these events by asking others to tell me about themselves. And sometimes I'm surprised to find some really interesting people when I do so.