A slight twist on How do you convince your Spouse to RE

[someguy]

This is my situation. My wife works part time at work (for me), and full time at home ensuring that the domestic side of life is smooth sailing. It has really improved our quality of life since she quit working full time. I could not be self employed if not for what she does at home.

Half of our assets are hers, and I would not begrudge her getting half if the worst ever happened.

Do you have kids? If so, would your opinion change if you didn't and everything else were the same?

 

[Throwdownmyaceinthehole]

I'm revisiting this thread as my projects are now done and I can either take on more project work or retire. Hubby has continued to balk at my retiring, even with full 100% on Firecalc with 30k more expenses and 30% asset drop and just one SS. He says I should continue to work as the pay/benefits are good and I work from home. He sees it as no big deal. I've just lost interest in the work. I turn sixty next month and I've worked 9 more years than he has. Our once very happy marriage is starting to get bumpy due to my resentment. I realize it's tough giving up the last earned income, but it's going to happen sooner or later, so it's time to do it sooner...NMY

 

[travelover]

I'm revisiting this thread as my projects are now done and I can either take on more project work or retire. Hubby has continued to balk at my retiring, even with full 100% on Firecalc with 30k more expenses and 30% asset drop and just one SS. He says I should continue to work as the pay/benefits are good and I work from home. He sees it as no big deal. I've just lost interest in the work. I turn sixty next month and I've worked 9 more years than he has. Our once very happy marriage is starting to get bumpy due to my resentment. I realize it's tough giving up the last earned income, but it's going to happen sooner or later, so it's time to do it sooner...NMY

Show his butt over the "Have you survived a divorce" thread.

 

[aja8888]

I'm revisiting this thread as my projects are now done and I can either take on more project work or retire. Hubby has continued to balk at my retiring, even with full 100% on Firecalc with 30k more expenses and 30% asset drop and just one SS. He says I should continue to work as the pay/benefits are good and I work from home. He sees it as no big deal. I've just lost interest in the work. I turn sixty next month and I've worked 9 more years than he has. Our once very happy marriage is starting to get bumpy due to my resentment. I realize it's tough giving up the last earned income, but it's going to happen sooner or later, so it's time to do it sooner...NMY

Sounds like it's time to get on even terms with your DH!

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I'm no Dear Abby, but from the outside looking in, your issue throwdownmyace seems like a no brainer. If he wants more income let him get a job for the next 8 years. I'd print out a list of laptop jobs he could do from home and offer to help with his resume or help in finding classes if he needs to update his skill set first. There is no reason you have to be the only breadwinner, especially if he is the one who wants more income. Around here there are community colleges and the Berkeley extension with all sorts of classes and certificates, for jobs one could do online like programming and tech writing.

Brian Tracy says all business skills are learnable:

 

[Grigori]

Similar situation with my DW. She hasn't worked for 5 years, and balked at me retiring even with 100% FIRECALC success for the past 4 years. Why leave a good job with high pay and great benefits?

I finally put my foot down, had a meltdown and temper tantrum, and threatened to leave in June. I was at the point that I was going to quit, with her or without her permission. She sat down with the basic asset, pension, ss #s, worked out her plan, and agreed to my ending work in December.

You may have parallels to my situation :

1. DW didn't ask for my permission to quit work 5 years ago. I wanted her to keep working, and contribute, but accepted what she did. Did your DH ask permission to quit working ?
2. I am not a slave or somebody's horse to keep pulling the plow around the field so that someone else will feel 200% safe financially. You are not a slave either.
3. I have worked hard and have a right to enjoy the fruits of my labors while I still have the health to enjoy them. I'm not a horse to be worked until I drop.
4. I felt anger, sadness, depression. It put a big wedge between my wife and I. However, I was persistent, and kept bringing it up. Thankfully, the love and reason we were together in the first place won out, and we seem to be getting through this. Be persistent, don't give up.


Interestingly, I was having a conversation with my FIL this weekend so I see where my DW got her thinking. FIL strongly encourages me to use that "great education I have" and continue pulling in the big salary for another year, or even longer. He is depression era guy, and can't see the sense in ever willingly giving up a good paying job. Even when I layed out some of our financial details, he is all for me continuing to work.

 

[nuke_diver]

I also won the discussion and will be calling it a day in July. Why my wife didn't want me to retire I think is more about the security of a job then the real need. In addition it seems that there are a lot of people who either don't see you at the age you are (for example my aunt wondering why I want to retire at 55 seemly forgetting her husband retired at 54...in her eyes I'll always be young I guess). And there are a lot of people who can't retire so it seems to me that the default response/values is always for working more.

There was no rift between us and I wasn't so frustrated as some of the other comments but it still took persistence. Originally my wife was saying 58 when the numbers didn't support needing that. For us with no kids there is no need to save for the next generation. My only frustration was that it made no sense to continue to work just because....if we are more likely to end up with more money than we will spend, what was the point. Between that and my using my Mom as an example of what can happen that you can't predict (died of cancer at 68) I won....only 230 days to go

Oh and why not now, we are in mid remodel and I need to get some work done on my knee so makes sense to have a salary to get through that first.

 

[travelover]

.......... I'm not a horse to be worked until I drop............

Ironically, the reward for the horse who gets tired is to forfeit half of everything he's worked for to the spouse that has been coasting on the sidelines. And maybe even pay alimony, since the poor coasting spouse has no income.

 

[W2R]

I'm revisiting this thread as my projects are now done and I can either take on more project work or retire. Hubby has continued to balk at my retiring, even with full 100% on Firecalc with 30k more expenses and 30% asset drop and just one SS. He says I should continue to work as the pay/benefits are good and I work from home. He sees it as no big deal. I've just lost interest in the work. I turn sixty next month and I've worked 9 more years than he has. Our once very happy marriage is starting to get bumpy due to my resentment. I realize it's tough giving up the last earned income, but it's going to happen sooner or later, so it's time to do it sooner...NMY

You are more patient than I am. He'd be out the door if he was married to me. But then, I'm divorced and that's the usual outcome of attitudes like mine.

At any rate, what I am trying to say is that honestly I am so sorry you are getting pressured like this, and I hope that the two of you can negotiate some sort of resolution to this that is satisfactory to both of you.

 

[seraphim]

Can you understand if a wife does not work in general (not retired, just doesn't work) and the husband works to support the couple and she thinks that is fair? Isn't that a common situation? How is it different? What is wrong with a husband working to support the couple while the wife doesn't work? It seems to me that is a common situation whether the wife is retired, working part time, or never worked.

Oh gee - I thought it was PC to believe that a housewife worked harder than her husband and her sacrifice should be appreciated...


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[daylatedollarshort]

On the negotiating front, you might try Gottman or Prep DVDs or workshops. If it ends up working for you, it can be a lot cheaper than a divorce. They are each different methodologies but complimentary and are both research based, giving couples the tools to negotiate major conflicts and decisions.

I think some people can learn to negotiate marriage conflicts just like one can can learn to ride a bike. These are skills maybe some people are born with but people like me had to learn.

 

[haha]

Take it from one who has been there. Sometimes it's just better to bite the bullet and be gone.

You won't die because you have less money, and you can look yourself in the mirror and feel that you really do have your limits. I know both men and women who tiptoe around to avoid conflict because they are afraid of divorce. We are getting on in life, decisions made now can cast a very long shadow. Like to the grave.

Anyway, if you put your foot down, and mean it, the spouse just may quit walking on you.

Ha

 

[Mulligan]

You are more patient than I am. He'd be out the door if he was married to me. But then, I'm divorced and that's the usual outcome of attitudes like mine.

At any rate, what I am trying to say is that honestly I am so sorry you are getting pressured like this, and I hope that the two of you can negotiate some sort of resolution to this that is satisfactory to both of you.

Hmm, divorced here too. Maybe W2R that is why your opinion resonated with me! I "get" a spouse working not wanting the other to quit. I understand a 60 year old who retired at 58 wanting spouse to work until 58. I can even understand a life long stay at home spouse wanting the other to keep working. But I cannot understand who someone who retired insisting on the other to continue working when it's not needed and spouse wants to retire.


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