Adult daughter's coming marriage...who's expense?

[l2ridehd]

WOW, those costs seem very high. I live in Northern VA near Washington DC, a very expensive area, and did a very very nice wedding for under 10K for about 60 people. Granted it was a small wedding, but felt it was reasonable. That was at a Private Country Club, Surf and Turf meal, really good wine with dinner, open bar with top shelf everything, Band, Photographer, wedding cake, favors, rehearsal dinner and all other incidentals. CC bill for room meal, rehearsal dinner and open bar was about 6K and everything else was about 3.5K.

 

[travelover]

I find the whole wedding business baffling. In your early 20's there are many things that you need - a good education, a dependable car, a house or a good start on a down payment, a professional wardrobe, healthcare - maybe child care, if you have children. But a $20K or $30K party? The whole thing strikes me as nutz.

 

[Moemg]

The costs and type of wedding really vary by location. My daughter got married in upstate New York and the wedding was reasonable . Had she got married in New Jersey where she grew up it would have been triple the cost .

 

[HFWR]

I find the whole wedding business baffling. In your early 20's there are many things that you need - a good education, a dependable car, a house or a good start on a down payment, a professional wardrobe, healthcare - maybe child care, if you have children. But a $20K or $30K party? The whole thing strikes me as nutz.

+1

Glad I have a male spawn...

 

[Major Tom]

I find the whole wedding business baffling. In your early 20's there are many things that you need - a good education, a dependable car, a house or a good start on a down payment, a professional wardrobe, healthcare - maybe child care, if you have children. But a $20K or $30K party? The whole thing strikes me as nutz.

+1 also. I know that the wedding day is a significant day for a couple, but there are many ways to create a memorable day without the huge expenditure. If whoever is paying for the wedding can easily afford it, it's fine, but for a couple to begin their married life with a large debt because of the wedding doesn't set a good financial precedent for their future life together, IMHO.

 

[sheehs1]

After reading this book Amazon.com: Best Business Practices for Photographers, Second Edition (9781435454293): John Harrington: Books that is actually a fair price.

The photographer is running a sole proprietor business, he/she must have continually updated equipment (and for a wedding they have two of everything for obvious reasons) some expensive and specialized software, etc. He's got taxes, insurance, he's paying into his own retirement fund, and all the other living expenses we all have.

And on top of all that, he'd better be a whole lot better than anybody's Uncle Harry with a DSLR. To do that he'll scout the location beforehand to check out the lighting, maybe take some test shots, spend time retouching photos later, and in general spend about four or five times the time on the project than just the wedding shoot itself.

So $6k is not out of line.

I have no doubt he/she photographer has overhead. And yes...these photographers are very skilled. I was just ill prepared for the prices I'm getting. By ill prepared...I'm not talking about not having the money. We do. I'm talking about probably no less than $35K to $50K and the LBYMer in me....is having a hard time. That is a good size downpayment on a house!

Still, she is my only daughter and we will do this to give her "her day"....but I will try hard to find areas that we can cut costs in ....so it doesn't escalate but so far.....(I hope )

 

[skyvue]

I'm struggling with some of this skyvue....meaning the costs. I've spent the last 2 weeks costing out a wedding for my 23 year old only daughter. The wedding industry is a racket. 50K doesn't necessarily get you an extravaganza....unless you call a wedding with 100 to 150 people an extravaganza. I've had quotes of $129 to $199 a person for a reception. That is just food and beverage and does not include open bar, space rental fees, flowers, music, photographer, invitations, cake, dress and all the minutia in between. I just got a quote for a photographer for $6,000!!!

My point is ....a dinner at a nice restaurant does not even begin to cost $199 per person. These wedding venues have huge profit margins!
I have not taken a first step with any deposits yet as I am trying to figure out a way to give her what she would like while containing costs. It can be done cheaper.....but that is not what she and her fiance want.

My quest list is getting slashed again.....

This is news to me. My wedding was a full 15 years ago but we had it at a very nice country club, open bar (beer & wine), photographer, dj (no band) and invited 150 people for $10,000. I was figuring you could do the same type of thing for $15K today.

My wedding was much nicer than what I was used to as I grew up in the sticks. My sisters weddings were thrown for about $5K each but those were buffet style weddings in VFW hall or other similar buildings. Where I grew up you rented a hall, hired somebody to cook the food, bought your own kegs, hired a dj and that's about it. I grew up rural Ohio though and realize that is not what is normal in most urban areas.

 

[MichaelB]

Weddings and receptions can be done without spending a lot, but they can also cost as much as a house. This industry specializes in selling dreams and upselling like no other and is ruthless in both creating and exploiting family tensions. Anyone planning on sponsoring nuptials and related celebration must be focused and equally ruthless or just give in, shrug the shoulders, think wtf and make sure the bank accounts are well stocked. There is no middle ground here.

 

[Major Tom]

We haven't even touched upon the way that diamonds have been very successfully marketed as the only acceptable stone for an engagement ring. Not only that, but we have even been told how much we should be spending by the "Is two months salary too much to spend on something that will last forever" campaign.

Many people have fallen for this successful ad campaign and believe that spending a lot of money is the only proper way to show love for their spouse.

How many married folk here did not buy (or receive) a diamond engagement ring? I bet not many.

 

[W2R]

How many married folk here did not buy (or receive) a diamond engagement ring? I bet not many.

I inherited and wore my grandmother's diamond engagement ring. So, I received it but it cost us nothing. We spent a total of $32 for our wedding rings - - - $20 for his, and $12 for mine. Both actually were gold and didn't turn our fingers green, but they were very, very thin and probably second hand (from a small rundown shop in downtown Meridian, MS). At times I felt a little envious of those wearing nicer rings, but eventually we decided that the expense of the rings and the length of the marriage had an inverse relationship among our friends.

 

[GregLee]

How many married folk here did not buy (or receive) a diamond engagement ring? I bet not many.

Not me. My wife-to-be wanted to use the wedding ring she had inherited from her grandmother. I think it did have a small diamond. The subject of an engagement ring never even came up.

 

[happy2bretired]

We haven't even touched upon the way that diamonds have been very successfully marketed as the only acceptable stone for an engagement ring. Not only that, but we have even been told how much we should be spending by the "Is two months salary too much to spend on something that will last forever" campaign.

Many people have fallen for this successful ad campaign and believe that spending a lot of money is the only proper way to show love for their spouse.

How many married folk here did not buy (or receive) a diamond engagement ring? I bet not many.

I received a diamond engagement ring, but it was a small diamond. My daughter and son-in-law, married in March, only purchased matching black bands....no diamond involved. My daughter just isn't into jewelry at all, plus they made the decision that diamonds/gold were just too expensive. Pretty proud of my daughter.

 

[Major Tom]

At times I felt a little envious of those wearing nicer rings, but eventually we decided that the expense of the rings and the length of the marriage had an inverse relationship among our friends.

Plus I imagine there was a sentimental value to wearing your grandmother's ring that can't be replicated with a newer ring that hasn't been in the family before.

 

[Bestwifeever]

I'm positive neither of my grandmothers had engagement rings, diamond or otherwise. You guys are so lucky to have been able to receive those rings!

The cost of weddings is just like the cost of college--you're in the market only once per kid and you deal with the price if you choose to buy the product, but once you're done, you really don't care that the prices might be ridiculous because you're no longer directly affected by it.

 

[HFWR]

"Diamonds - that'll shut her up..."

Ron White

 

[MichaelB]

I inherited and wore my grandmother's diamond engagement ring.

That is a great way to show an engagement.

The cost of weddings is just like the cost of college--you're in the market only once per kid and you deal with the price if you choose to buy the product, but once you're done, you really don't care that the prices might be ridiculous because you're no longer directly affected by it.

When it comes to those two things – college and weddings, I have to admit mixed feelings much like when passing an accident on the side of the highway. Hoping nobody got hurt, but still slowing down to see the details, and wondering if the accident was inadvertent, reckless or just bad luck. Regardless, there is a sense of accomplishment and survival for those of us that have been through all that.

 

[Dave C.]

Weddings and receptions can be done without spending a lot, but they can also cost as much as a house. This industry specializes in selling dreams and upselling like no other and is ruthless in both creating and exploiting family tensions. Anyone planning on sponsoring nuptials and related celebration must be focused and equally ruthless or just give in, shrug the shoulders, think wtf and make sure the bank accounts are well stocked. There is no middle ground here.

I am the guy who started this thread and I have enjoyed very much the variety of responses. I chose MichaelB's latest response because he put into a few words what most have said.....know the full landscape, use your head and your heart, listen to all truly involved, make the call, then "shrug your shoulders" shut up and enjoy the day.

 

[WhoDaresWins]

We haven't even touched upon the way that diamonds have been very successfully marketed as the only acceptable stone for an engagement ring. Not only that, but we have even been told how much we should be spending by the "Is two months salary too much to spend on something that will last forever" campaign.

Many people have fallen for this successful ad campaign and believe that spending a lot of money is the only proper way to show love for their spouse.

How many married folk here did not buy (or receive) a diamond engagement ring? I bet not many.

I quite emphatically told dh2B not to buy me an engagement ring. Back in the '70's we were both NYC college students, and I felt it was an unnecessary expense under the circumstances. Fiance did have some part-time income, and it turned out that the father of one of his classmates was a diamond dealer. Classmate offered to get a diamond for him wholesale and also knew a custom jeweler who designed a stunning antique-inspired ring that I still find quite breathtaking when I admire it on my finger.
I will gladly pass this heirloom along to my son one day...if he ever gets married. I love inherited vintage engagement rings.

 

[JakeBrake]

I find the whole wedding business baffling. In your early 20's there are many things that you need - a good education, a dependable car, a house or a good start on a down payment, a professional wardrobe, healthcare - maybe child care, if you have children. But a $20K or $30K party? The whole thing strikes me as nutz.

+1

When DW and I were married over 43 years ago, the attendees were the preacher, her parents, my parents, her sister, my brother and his wife. The church and preacher did not charge for weddings for members. We had great music because no one had told the pipe organ serviceman that there was a wedding in progress when he showed up to service the pipe organ. He knew all of those wedding songs.

We were married on a Friday evening after I got off from work. My boss at Megacorp let me off the following Monday and Tuesday with pay because I was not yet entitled to any vacation. So, we had a four day honeymoon, then back to work on Wednesday.

 

[youbet]

+1

When DW and I were married over 43 years ago, the attendees were the preacher, her parents, my parents, her sister, my brother and his wife. The church and preacher did not charge for weddings for members. We had great music because no one had told the pipe organ serviceman that there was a wedding in progress when he showed up to service the pipe organ. He knew all of those wedding songs.

We were married on a Friday evening after I got off from work. My boss at Megacorp let me off the following Monday and Tuesday with pay because I was not yet entitled to any vacation. So, we had a four day honeymoon, then back to work on Wednesday.

Actually that sounds pretty elaborate JakeBrake.......

We were 22 yrs old. DW took no time off work and I took a half day Friday. The wedding was at DW's church on a Sat morning. We were both back at work Monday morning.

There were five guests (a life long buddy of mine and his wife, my college roommate and 2 of DW's girlfriends) plus the minister, DW and me.

We bought lunch for the 5 guests at the OHare Marriott where DW and I spent Sat night. (Yep, that was the entire reception and honeymoon.) Sunday we moved DW from the apartment she was sharing in Evanston to my apartment on the NW side of Chicago.

That was that.

41 yrs and counting.

Edit: Oh yeah...... we gladly kicked in half the cost of a nice wedding and reception for son and DIL. They and DIL's mother came up with the rest.

 

[Sue J]

How many married folk here did not buy (or receive) a diamond engagement ring? I bet not many.

DH's grandmother gave him her engagement ring for me. He was her oldest grandson. The ring is from 1925 and I love it. She was the 2nd wife (first wife had died) and she had the diamond from the first wife put into a new setting. She offered me both settings and I kept the diamond in the setting from her marriage and returned the other one to her. She kept her wedding band so we bought one, very thin with flat sides so that it nested properly next to the engagement ring.

A while ago a jeweler told me that the stone is loose and that the ring needs new prongs so I have not been wearing the engagement ring, just my tiny wedding band. I miss wearing the engagement ring, I need to find a jeweler that I trust to have it re-pronged.

 

[Sarah in SC]

As someone delving into my parent's wedding day photos (hosting their 50th wedding anniversary party tomorrow night), I see that their wedding was a small, family affair that was a far cry from my own rather rowdy (but still inexpensive) 300 person party 18 years ago.

Here is a great shot that I'm using in a slideshow for the party. It is actually from their high school prom, but that dress is just so fabulous!

 

[TromboneAl]

I don't think scary topics like this should be allowed.

 

[freebird5825]

We haven't even touched upon the way that diamonds have been very successfully marketed as the only acceptable stone for an engagement ring. Not only that, but we have even been told how much we should be spending by the "Is two months salary too much to spend on something that will last forever" campaign.

Many people have fallen for this successful ad campaign and believe that spending a lot of money is the only proper way to show love for their spouse.

How many married folk here did not buy (or receive) a diamond engagement ring? I bet not many.

Heeheeeeheeee

My engagement ring (from late husband) was a beautiful star sapphire mounted on a simple sterling silver ring. I specifically told him I did NOT want a diamond (so typical yawn), and DID want a star sapphire. Diamonds can be faked, but a star sapphire is tough to fake, at least in 1980 before synthetic gemstone technology progressed. All of the jewelry he bought me over the years is made from natural gemstones. I still wear the star sapphire ring on my right hand.

The ring Mr B gave me last year is a blue topaz, with tiny diamond chips in the gold ring setting. He saw it in a used jewelry store while we were waiting for them to weigh up some miscellaneous silver his father had squirreled away over the years. It was a perfect fit for my finger.

 

[Katsmeow]

How many married folk here did not buy (or receive) a diamond engagement ring? I bet not many.

Me.. I got married in my mid-30s (this was about 20 years ago) and wanted an interesting ring. The ring was amethyst with a couple of 1 carat diamond accents. At the time it cost about $9000 which seemed like a fortune. DH to be and I shared the cost of it.

I never got the idea of having big expensive weddings and always thought it was just foolish to pay the going rate. We decided to get married in Las Vegas. It really wasn't an elopement. We told our families but didn't invite anyone. I didn't really expect my parents to pay for anything, even though it was my first weeding. They gave us $5000 which we could spend how we wanted. We spent some of it on the wedding and honeymoon in Las Vegas and the rest basically went for my share of the ring.


For my kids I'm sure we would contribute something, probably in the $5k to $10k range.