Tough dinner conversation with adult live-in daughter

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ratface said:
I have found many of the posts helpful. I have never lived thru a pandemic so there was a learning curve. With help from posters I was able to drill down to the most basic issues. In retrospect perhaps we should have set down some basic rules and expectations during this Pandemic but it did not occur to us. The pandemic changed home dynamics in very subtle ways until one evening it just all boiled over. I think assessing ones risk has to be a continual process because the virus is also continual and evolving. At times it was difficult to read some of the more poignant post and those sparked more introspection. I am grateful to everyone who supported my daughter's right to express her side of things as well. The pandemic hits every generation in different emotional targets or mindsets and it was important to get that perspective. In just a couple of days we have been able to talk it all out without hurting our family relationship and are making great progress. It is crucial to slow your roll in these situations as many here pointed out. DD may have already found a very nice apartment less than a mile from us at a price she can afford. She filled out the application last night and we are all actually very excited about her moving forward. Thank-You all!
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very good!

The pandemic could be responsible for a very positive experience in helping your DD stand on her own.......Thanks for sharing the resolution and so glad it's working out.
 
Ratface, thank you for coming back and sharing an update. I hope your daughter gets the apartment.
 
I am so happy for you both that things worked out in an adult manner on both sides. I still am a bit concerned for your daughter's health. At least you and DW will be safer and you are still on talking terms with DD.
 
Great new ratface, now comes the hard part for you, which is not feeling slighted if/when DD spends lots of time with friends which means you will have to stay isolated from her.

I'm sure you can work that out as time passes...
 
Ratface, you started an important thread that encouraged many valuable opinions. Happy to hear you've found a solution.
 
Congrats, Ratface. Great outcome. And it shows that many interpersonal problems can be solved by time and introspection. Thanks.

-BB
 
It's always a good feeling when you see your children take on adult responsibilities in a mature way. Congratulations.
 
rat face--thanks for the update, good communication is the key!
 
Well, you just blew your chance at a Jerry Springer appearance. :LOL:
 
Love a happy ending!:cool: Nicely done.....congrats to all.
 
I'm glad things worked out so well, ratface.
 
ratface said:
Has anyone else had this conversation with an adult child living at home and have any thoughts on how to best approach it.
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I know you have made progress on this for her to move out. But, in case others with a similar question ask the same question I want to address it since we did address this issue with our son of similar age.

When the pandemic hit, DS in his mid-20s was living with us. Unfortunately, he was looking for a new job at the time. Immediately, his ability to get a job that was commensurate with his training nosedived. We knew he could find jobs "out in the world" so to speak but I am 66 and DH 72.

We take Covid very seriously and we immediately implemented going to places only if necessary. Even now, 7 months later, I have been outside my house and inside some other structure only 5 or 6 times. DH has been to the store a few more times.

Our position with DS was that because we were high risk he needed to not go out except to go to walks or as necessary to go in a store (wearing a mask). This was difficult for him but he never argued against it.

Of course, early on, we thought this might only be needs for a couple of months. As time went on, we realized that DH and I weren't going to be comfortable with DS getting an "outside" job while living with us until there was a vaccine. He did look for remote jobs, with no luck.

A couple of months ago he moved backed to our old hometown (4 hours away) where his sister works. He would be able to look for an in person job there. He worked out with his sister that he could move in with her. We agreed to fund his expenses for a few months to give him time to get a job.

It has worked out well. He and his sister and another roommate just moved from a cramped apartment into a rental house. He found a job and is now able to cover most of the expenses (soon it will be able). He wears a mask at his work and there is a mask mandate in public where he lives.

THat said, I know he is doing things that we would never have allowed here. He does feel he is being reasonably cautious. But, I know he has visited friends and has gone to restaurants. I don't think he is being reckless, but we wouldn't have allowed those things here. But he is a healthy person in his mid-20s. We are pretty healthy, too, but much older so our risk calculation is different. He understands that.

He is coming up soon to get his cat and move her to where he is. We have already discussed that when he comes, he will wear a max, won't come in the house. If weather permits we can briefly distance and visit on the patio. If not, we will put the garage door up and open the back door of the garage so there is good air circulation and will visit in the garage (distanced, with masks). He has no issue with that.

The thing is -- I understand why he feels safe enough to go to the occasional restaurant or to visit a couple of friends. But, his doing that (plus him working with others at his job) means that he can't be around us except briefly and with precautions.
 
I never thought I would be telling a man named "ratface" that I admire and commend the mature machinations of him and his family! :) Well done.
 
Katsmeow said:
THat said, I know he is doing things that we would never have allowed here. He does feel he is being reasonably cautious. But, I know he has visited friends and has gone to restaurants. I don't think he is being reckless, but we wouldn't have allowed those things here. But he is a healthy person in his mid-20s. We are pretty healthy, too, but much older so our risk calculation is different. He understands that.

He is coming up soon to get his cat and move her to where he is. We have already discussed that when he comes, he will wear a max, won't come in the house. If weather permits we can briefly distance and visit on the patio. If not, we will put the garage door up and open the back door of the garage so there is good air circulation and will visit in the garage (distanced, with masks). He has no issue with that.

The thing is -- I understand why he feels safe enough to go to the occasional restaurant or to visit a couple of friends. But, his doing that (plus him working with others at his job) means that he can't be around us except briefly and with precautions.
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This is the issue with close family members. Much of my immediate family live near us. My brothers, their wives, nieces and nephews. Two of my brothers go out to eat inside restaurants and take little precautions. The rest are hit and miss. They meet with friends, have people over to their house without masks and work outside the home. I don't know if they take precautions or not. My young niece in grade school is in class full time. I have to say no to gatherings. If I go to a get together it has to be outside with distancing.

I had a bit of a cough yesterday. It was brief and went away but the thoughts raged thinking...did I get too close? I immediately start thinking who did I see and talk to in the last week? Where was I? It gets exhausting but this is the new normal.
 
Rianne said:
This is the issue with close family members. Much of my immediate family live near us. My brothers, their wives, nieces and nephews. Two of my brothers go out to eat inside restaurants and take little precautions. The rest are hit and miss. They meet with friends, have people over to their house without masks and work outside the home. I don't know if they take precautions or not. My young niece in grade school is in class full time. I have to say no to gatherings. If I go to a get together it has to be outside with distancing.

I had a bit of a cough yesterday. It was brief and went away but the thoughts raged thinking...did I get too close? I immediately start thinking who did I see and talk to in the last week? Where was I? It gets exhausting but this is the new normal.
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It’s been good for me to hear others are facing this. Sometimes I feel really alone. My siblings all live around here. I feel I have always been the scapegoat in my family of origin. I am always kinda the outsider and this pandemic reinforces that. My siblings regularly continue to go out to eat together, just last weekend spent a weekend evening at a casino, and go to other events together. They pretty much feel it’s an election infection and deny it exists. This week one of my grown nieces is coming and I’m sure it will be another week of going out.

I won’t be there. :blush: I hope I at least get to see her for a few minutes but who knows. I have a 10 yo old niece I’m close to, but she goes to school, goes to sports, gymnastic etc just like nothing is going on. I feel more and more distance between me and all of them. I live in SD where one in twenty four are infected. You see few masks and social distancing.

Hopefully This ends and we can recover the relationships . They’ve never been really good, but I have no one else
 
Do these election infection folks think the virus will suddenly vanish on Nov 4? I fear for them.
 
audreyh1 said:
Do these election infection folks think the virus will suddenly vanish on Nov 4? I fear for them.
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I think people look for reasons to do what they want to do...common sense or politics don't have much to do with it.
 
I once witnessed an argument with a very loud man on a plane demanding to be moved to business class (econ sold out) because the very overweight person next to him was taking his space. The FA surprised everyone when she moved the VOW guy to business.

Point of story: maybe you could consider moving out for a spell and see how your daughter feels about that...
 
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