Grand-parenting - Was I out of line?

[imoldernu]

4 days 125 posts...

 

[tmm99]

Here is the 126th. Your son's reply made me cry (I cry watching commercials.). I am very happy for you.


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[spncity]

To the OP: Great followup post and outcome!

In our family we have a saying: "It's hard raising parents!"

 

[REattempt]

Do you have kids?

My Mom has often told me that a key role as a parent is knowing when to hold your tongue with your grown children. She learned that by dealing with an intrusive in law herself. She applied it with me, only stepping in a few times when she saw a disaster imminent. She's let me make my own decisions, been there when asked, and rarely offers unsolicited advice. And that's totally out of character for her.

Do you know why she does that? Because her relationship with her son, through all his mistakes, is more important than her ego. And she's there to help pick up the pieces if I don't listen to her. More often than not, I have.

Ultimately, you can't tell your grown kids what to do. Or you can, and then accept the results which will likely be resentment and poor relations. And then both sides - not just one - get to deal with that regret.

I do.

I agree with your mother. Holding one's tongue is a different issue than accepting rude and crass behavior.

I hold my tongue....all the time. However, when do say something I expect a rational, reasoned, kind, polite response. The way I've posited is, gosh, treat me the way you want to be treated.

As to your las paragraph see my next post.

 

[REattempt]

You might be amazed at the regret you will feel. Might take a couple years, but I wouldn't take this treatment.

Tried it. Took less than 30 days for the situation to resolve. I now have a great relationship...

 

[REattempt]

I tend to agree with your comments when it comes to friends/acquaintances/neighbors. But family's different.

My social circle is not large, but it includes a surprising number of people, including close relatives, who find themselves permanently estranged from a parent, sibling, or child. And not because anyone hit anyone, or used drugs, or stole money; just because somebody hurt someone else's feelings beyond what could be endured.

And there is regret, yet in some cases, pride will not allow any of them (or the estranged ones either, apparently) to do whatever it is they need to do to fix the relationship. "They caused it!" "If they cared, they would..." "I'm not lowering myself..." "Who could have thought they would feel that way...." "How could they be so touchy...."

I think the difference is that I believe I have a balanced, rational view of self, and I articulate it all the time. When I'm wrong, at least 50% of the time I recognize it and verbalize it before my child. That demonstrates to her, in a proactive way, that it is not always "my way or the highway." I care and I change. I constantly think about how she would or did take something.

I think it comes down to being open, acceptance and goodwill.

 

[candrew]

1. OP, do you have any daughters? I have a 24dd and there are days if I even look at her I get an earful. I am trying to learn the art of timing...

No daughters on my side of the family. Just our two sons. My older sister has two grown daughters and she would agree with you about the timing thing!

 

[candrew]

In our family we have a saying: "It's hard raising parents!"

If nothing else, I am trainable!

 

[brett]

I have learned to avoid giving my daughter an opinion on anything. It only leads to an argument. She confuses wanting an opinion with wanting someone to agree with her.

Sometimes it is best to keep your thoughts to yourself and carry on.

 

[splitwdw]

OP's wife was a teacher and had her grad degree in early childhood development. Maybe she is still teaching, my mil does that, because she "knows".

 

[ivinsfan]

OP's wife was a teacher and had her grad degree in early childhood development. Maybe she is still teaching, my mil does that, because she "knows".

Right, because a grad degree in childhood development is worthless when it comes to your grandchildren. I can't get over some of the posters here who want to turn the grandparents into speechless robots. Respect is a two way street IMO...

There is no single "right" way to raise a child, but children and babies have many things in common and there are many tried and true ways to make baby and Mother more comfortable with each other. Throwing in a MIL dig is petty, so you don't like your MIL..point taken.

 

[CaliKid]

Swimming lessons are taken care of as our DIL is a former collegiate water polo athlete and also worked as a lifeguard. DW and I are trying to figure out a way that we can convince DS and DIL to accept our offer to help pay for a pool safety fence as a house warming gift. Both she and our son are fiercely independent people.

You really need to let it go. Friendly advice from a person with parents and inlaws... the more I hear from them about a specific issue the less I want to listen. Trust them to do what is right and if it's not right for you... TOUGH LUCK. Live with it. Move on. Enjoy your family.

A ton of people don't have pool fences. We bought our house with pool and they didn't have pool fence though they did have little kids. We added it before we moved in but everybody is different and the reality is there are a ton of things more dangerous than an unfenced pool in the backyard.

 

[ivinsfan]

You really need to let it go. Friendly advice from a person with parents and inlaws... the more I hear from them about a specific issue the less I want to listen. Trust them to do what is right and if it's not right for you... TOUGH LUCK. Live with it. Move on. Enjoy your family.

A ton of people don't have pool fences. We bought our house with pool and they didn't have pool fence though they did have little kids. We added it before we moved in but everybody is different and the reality is there are a ton of things more dangerous than an unfenced pool in the backyard.

So I'm curious, would you care to name a few things that are more dangerous then an unfenced pool in a private yard....

 

[MichaelB]

So I'm curious, would you care to name a few things that are more dangerous then an unfenced pool in a private yard....

An alligator in the pool? A boa constrictor in the garden? These happen in Florida.

I'm just kidding, sort of. In Florida a pool is required by law to be completely fenced. Cannot transfer title if it does not comply with RESIDENTIAL SWIMMING POOL SAFETY ACT. Young children and older adults are particularly at risk.

 

[CaliKid]

So I'm curious, would you care to name a few things that are more dangerous then an unfenced pool in a private yard....

Driving down the street in a car
Breathing smog

A million things.

The bigger point is it's not the grandparent's business.

 

[aja8888]

So I'm curious, would you care to name a few things that are more dangerous then an unfenced pool in a private yard....

How about toxic chemicals under the kitchen sink cabinet in easy access of a crawling 6 month old?

We had a pool when our daughters were very young and never had a pool fence (In California). We also had the daughter's 3rd grade class over for a swim party one time.

 

[MichaelB]

How about toxic chemicals under the kitchen sink cabinet in easy access of a crawling 6 month old?

No kidding. Laundry detergent in small brightly colored packets that look like candy. Whose bright idea was that?

When our grandchildren were babies we had child locks everywhere for the doors and cabinets. Some worked as intended, but most either didn't fit well or were easily defeated. The most important safeguard is vigilance, for which there is no substitute.

 

[Bigdawg]

the bigger point is it's not the grandparent's business.

this! X1000

 

[Bestwifeever]

Farms are pretty dangerous, too https://www.marshfieldresearch.org/Media/Default/NFMC/PDFs/2017 Child Ag Injury Fact Sheet.pdf

 

[aja8888]

Farms are pretty dangerous, too https://www.marshfieldresearch.org/Media/Default/NFMC/PDFs/2017 Child Ag Injury Fact Sheet.pdf

"Grampa, can I learn to drive the tractor??"

"Sure sonny, hop on and here's the wheel."

 

[Bestwifeever]

And railroad crossings are pretty scary too

 

[ivinsfan]

Driving down the street in a car
Breathing smog

A million things.

The bigger point is it's not the grandparent's business.

No It's one of those things that's everyone's business because kids will be kids whether its your kids or the neighborhood kids.Smog isn't even a close second to an accidental drowning..the drowning is instantly fatal...for boys 1 to 4 drowning is the leading cause of accidental death since about 2005.and you can't avoid driving in a car but you can fence your pool.

 

[ivinsfan]

How about toxic chemicals under the kitchen sink cabinet in easy access of a crawling 6 month old?

We had a pool when our daughters were very young and never had a pool fence (In California). We also had the daughter's 3rd grade class over for a swim party one time.

Well the chemical issue is a parent problem..you should move your chemicals but not fence your pool .

 

[aja8888]

Well the chemical issue is a parent problem..you should move your chemicals but not fence your pool .

We moved and controlled our toxic chemicals when the kids were toddlers but never fenced our pool. As a matter of fact, I don't recall anyone in our neighborhood fencing a pool, and there were plenty of them. Our yard was fenced and gated as that was the requirement.

We were careful parents and supervised our children when in the yard where the pool was. We also taught our children how to swim at a very early age.

I suspect a lot of the laws these days are put in place to protect the children from their parent's negligence.

 

[Bigdawg]

No It's one of those things that's everyone's business because kids will be kids whether its your kids or the neighborhood kids.Smog isn't even a close second to an accidental drowning..the drowning is instantly fatal...for boys 1 to 4 drowning is the leading cause of accidental death since about 2005.and you can't avoid driving in a car but you can fence your pool.

We will have to agree to disagree on this.

My next door neighbor has a nice pool. Fenced in from the outside but you can walk right out their back door into the pool area. They have young grand kids over all the time. I would never ever ever go talk to my awesome neighbors about that. Why? It's none of my business. The DH is about 66 and rides a motorcycle. Should I go lecture him about the horrible motorcycle accident rates? No way. Why? None of my business. My two kids (DD 22/DS 24) and their three cousins speak highly of their grandparents. All have lived with grand parents for up to 9 months at a time. Guess what? These grand parents will tell you straight up that it is not their place to tell us how to raise our children. On the other hand all of the parents involved are responsible successful parents. YRMV