The Stealth and Sabotage Purges - grounds for divorce.

[Teacher Terry]

That is one reason I keep a tight lid on how much stuff he has so this does not happen. Now if I die first his poor 2 kids will have to deal with what happens.

 

[Calico]

Sometimes they just won’t let go...

It isn't anyone else's right to decide when they should let go.

I agree with another poster who said stealth purging is a sign of a control freak. It crosses a boundary into disrespect that I would not tolerate.

Note: I am referring to the actions of your buddy in the OP.

 

[tinlizzy]

This thread makes me so upset. My ex husband threw away a "love letter" he found in my sock drawer. It was a letter from my father who was in isolation after a bone marrow transplant. It turned out to be the last thing I received from my dad and the only letter from him ever (I was 19 when he died).

 

[Amethyst]

My first husband (he was 20, I was 22) tore up a photo he found of me and a high school boy friend, even after I told him it was only a keepsake from years ago, and I had stopped speaking to the boy in the photo not long after it had been taken. Plus, that was in NJ and we were in FL! Anyway, he tore it in half so he could keep the part with me in it. I was so dumb back then that I took this as a sign of devotion to me.

 

[rayinpenn]

It isn't anyone else's right to decide when they should let go.

I agree with another poster who said stealth purging is a sign of a control freak. It crosses a boundary into disrespect that I would not tolerate.

Note: I am referring to the actions of your buddy in the OP.

Funny but i can tell you my buddy the stealth and sabotage purger isn’t by any means a control freak. Rob’s a kind sole and a family man - he took in his SIL and MIL and modified his home for them. No you’ll never meet a nicer person.. smart and successful as well. A control freak? - That simply hasnt been my experience at all. He just made a decision that he’d rather buy new then move those old blinds time and time again. It wasn’t a treasured artifact was it? His wife was just being a pain.

Let’s put this all in perspective
1) Exactly how attached can you get a pair of blinds?
2) I have a feeling stealth purging happens all the time...

 

[imoldernu]

Based on the stealth plan, my estimate is 8 to 10 years.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Throwing away junk like the blinds, old mail such as bills (not personal correspondence), pieces of wood and metal, appliances that break etc is not being disrespectful. It is keeping your home from becoming a garbage dump. I think those that say talk to the person has never lived with someone like this. Most times people have had the conversation ad nauseum. Also many people handle it by giving the person some space to hoard their junk. Most people don't want their entire house like that. My sweet MIL was a terrible hoarder of most things but not garbage. When she died unexpectedly we had to go through her house. Thankfully it was tiny but stuffed to the gills. About 5 years before she died she wanted her bedroom redone. So she went on vacation and asked us to lay a new floor and I asked what colors she liked. She did not trust herself to pick out the floor herself. I decided that at her age she should have a whole new room. First problem was that there was only a path to her bed. We removed everything and threw away the pure junk but nothing personal. Those we put into boxes. A week later when she came home she had a brand new bedroom. She had never had a new lamp, matching sheets/comforter before. The room was immaculate and we had a happy mother's day sign on the bed. My DH has trouble getting rid of stuff too but nowhere like his mom and actually hated growing up in clutter. She was thrilled with her room and kept it neat until the day she died. She eventually asked for help with the rest of the house and we agreed but by then it was too late because she died shortly after asking. Many people can't imagine that people keep pure junk for no reason. Again I don't mean personal items or sentimental items but pure junk. People will keep plastic bags, empty boxes, save containers they have washed out that food came in, etc. That is the kind of stuff I am talking about.

 

[rayinpenn]

Throwing away junk like the blinds, old mail such as bills (not personal correspondence), pieces of wood and metal, appliances that break etc is not being disrespectful. It is keeping your home from becoming a garbage dump. I think those that say talk to the person has never lived with someone like this.

Bravo...

 

[Teacher Terry]

Surprisingly enough at dinner last night my DH says that what I said about his stuff really hit home. I had to ask what that was because I have said plenty through the years) Well recently I told him one reason I had downsized much of my stuff is that I don't want to burden my kids and told him to imagine how his kids will feel when having to go through all that junk like we did with his mom. WE probably still have 40 boxes of his mom's stuff. So he tells me that he had started to go through some of the boxes. So I asked if I could help and he said yes. I told him how to make different piles depending on where the stuff is going, etc. I told him if we actually accomplish this I will help him sort all his tools, screws etc so he can organize the 1 car garage into a workshop which he badly wants to do. So I will see if he can actually stand by his word when I ask him to give me a few boxes to sort. If he has to do it alone he will never get it done. Stay tuned for the next episode)

 

[Teacher Terry]

It is a beautiful day here and warm so I tell him to get me some boxes and I can start using the outside table. Everything is super dusty from being buried alive for so long. I find his chess set that he uses and has not seen since our last move 5 years ago. To my shock he does and we have been at it for hours. I am putting stuff in boxes that I think he should look at but making initial decisions. `He wants to have a garage sale in the spring and I have sworn off of them but if we end up with enough decent stuff I may do that. For instance all his dad's fishing stuff, all pics, train set, etc all put aside. It really is easy to tell what is junk and what is not. So if your spouse doesn't like to purge there is still hope. I did not honestly ever think I would see this day)