The Stealth and Sabotage Purges - grounds for divorce.

[Teacher Terry]

I also think there is a difference between throwing away someone's old clothes and throwing away rusty metal shelves that sit in the garage or shed not being used. Also if unchecked it will grow and destroy a home. Some people can't bring themselves to throw stuff away. My DH has clothes from when I met him 20 years ago and as long as they fit in his side of the closet I am fine with that. His office is a disaster but again that is his space to keep how he sees fit. But I also refuse to clean in there.

 

[kcowan]

Yeah, and what about the millions, maybe billions of dollars worth of old comic books, etc. that parents junked when the kids went to college? No wonder kids have to move back home, their early investments got tossed out.

My Bro the packrat kept old Popular Science, Popular Mechanics and Mechanics Illustrated magazines. Stored in the basement where they were musty. At his estate sale, I got 50 cents each. Buyer said she could get $1...better than the dump! They were heavy!

 

[Sunset]

I am the hoarder, mostly, but I got rid of over half my bloated book collection after reading that Kondo tidying book.
....
I once used DH’s collection of old Playboy magazines to wrap glassware for a move when we ran out of newspaper. It was an excellent stealth purge maneuver!

So funny...
It must have been easy to get help unpacking at the new house

 

[kcowan]

I once used DH’s collection of old Playboy magazines to wrap glassware for a move when we ran out of newspaper. It was an excellent stealth purge maneuver!

Wow. You could have bought new glassware from the proceeds of the magazine sale!

 

[Sarah in SC]

Wow. You could have bought new glassware from the proceeds of the magazine sale!

Well they weren’t exactly vintage, ahem, and there were a couple of “lesser” mags among them.

 

[Sarah in SC]

So funny...
It must have been easy to get help unpacking at the new house

Well he was most upset about the Mariel Hemingway “feature article” which he rescued from between my dinner plates!

 

[Bestwifeever]

...

He also has lots of electric train items from the mid 40s. all in their original boxes in great condition (yes he is anal retentive). Maybe I should encourage him to add some of those to his Christmas EBay offerings.
....

DH's good friend's wife picked a weekend when DH and his friend were going out of town on a guys' trip and held a garage sale unbeknownst to DH's friend. She got $5 for his childhood toys, including the Lionel trains his long deceased father gave him. I am amazed the couple is still married. Stealth purging is terrible, although OP is probably not serious about it.

 

[rayinpenn]

OP is probably not serious about it.

I said I was too honest to do it...

 

[Brat]

The trick is to recognize things where there is an emotional attachment and just stuff. I have a suitcase with Pendleton slacks and skirts from the 80s that I could NEVER fit again. I want to sell them, Goodwill just doesn't cut it, but need to take them to a consignment shop. If DH purged it wouldn't be a huge issue, however.

 

[Moemg]

I sold a shirt of my SO's on ebay . The title was ugliest shirt ever save me and bid on this shirt . It sold someone had pity on me . It was a plaid western shirt with snap pearl buttons . So ugly ! The SO did know I was doing it and thought it was funny .

 

[Jerry1]

I could never stealth purge. It's not so much about honesty, but about empathy. DW is doing her best to purge. It may not be all I want, but if I look in the mirror, am I doing everything DW would like? The deal is for better or worse. It's pretty good and I wouldn't mess with that by purging her stuff least she come to the conclusion that purging DH is the easier alternative.

I do, however, like the stealth hiding of stuff with a reveal. Seems like a fair way to make a point but in reality, all that would do is send DW down memory lane for several hours looking at stuff she hadn't seen or thought of for awhile.

 

[Calico]

DW and I are in the process of cleaning out the garage. We have a rec room in the basement that was our kids toy/play room. When the kids got older, I turned this room into a home office. In order to go through things, get organized and start a purge, I moved all of this stuff to the garage. Fast forward 10 years and I'm just now to the point where I have DW on task to go through this stuff.
I would have never gotten rid of anything without her involvement. DW had a couple of traumatic experiences in early childhood where her family moved in the middle of the night before being evicted for not paying rent. As a child, you are not aware of this, her memories are of being awaken and being rushed to the car, only having a few minutes to grab whatever her tiny hands could to take with her. As a husband, and loving my wife dearly, I'll never throw anything of hers out. We work through it together and I'm entirely understanding when she does want to hold on to something. She's made great strides and we are both, together, going through the garage and getting it cleaned.
The simple thought of throwing another persons belongings away behind their back bothers me. You have no idea what has sentimental value, or what needs to be kept. My wife has done an incredible job of letting go and only keeping a few things that have great memories attached to them. And we have a stronger relationship as a result of working together, understanding and making concessions. Sorry for the long post, but this really hit home with what's going on at home at this moment.

Very well said.

"Stealth purging" as described/defined in this thread is a sign of real disrespect for another person, IMHO.

 

[rayinpenn]

Seems like there’s a lot of sentiment that Stealth purging is mean. I’m not so sure. Sometimes the stuff has to go (remember my sister-in-laws boxes of stuff that she paid a fortune to move and still hang around her next like an albatross?).

Isn’t it better to get rid of stuff slowly rather then have a bums rush when the house is sold? Won’t the house show better without the clutter of stuff? Stuff is just stuff -if you haven’t touched it in 5 years it can and should go.

You say you have sentimental attachment to something thats sat in a box for 12 years? Why isn’t it on display then? When was the last time you thought about that stuff..

You probably forgot you had it. Oh and lots of stuff has no sentimental value - it is just plain stuff...

 

[youbet]

Ray........ You’re defending purging but we’re talking about stealth purging.

Disposing of another’s “stuff” behind their back is the act of a control freak.

 

[rayinpenn]

Ray........ You’re defending purging but we’re talking about stealth purging.

Disposing of another’s “stuff” behind their back is the act of a control freak.

Sometimes they just won’t let go...

 

[Teacher Terry]

I see a big difference between someone's childhood toys, trains, etc and stuff that is truly junk. Or take the example when shoes wear out and someone won't throw any away. All of a sudden they have a big collection of shoes that are worn out but they won't throw away. Stealth purging is for this kind of stuff. NOt for getting rid of personal items.

 

[harley]

I see a big difference between someone's childhood toys, trains, etc and stuff that is truly junk. Or take the example when shoes wear out and someone won't throw any away. All of a sudden they have a big collection of shoes that are worn out but they won't throw away. Stealth purging is for this kind of stuff. NOt for getting rid of personal items.

Hard to know what's personal sometimes. I can't see it as being worth the risk of angering someone you care about. If the problem is big enough you should be talking to them about getting therapy, not sneaking around throwing their stuff out.

Sometimes they just won’t let go...

And sometimes they let go of the person that's sneaking around on them.

 

[Mdlerth]

Stuff vs Relationships

Seems like there’s a lot of sentiment that Stealth purging is mean. I’m not so sure. Sometimes the stuff has to go...

Dear Ray,

I wonder if you've really thought through the implication of this viewpoint. It is dictatorial. Are you really determined to place a higher priority on de-cluttering than on your DW? Because that's the way she will view it once it comes to light. And don't delude yourself, it will come to light.

If cleaning out the attic/garage/spare bedroom is so important, why can't you discuss it honestly and agree on a jointly acceptable solution? If you have to do something secretly, then doesn't that suggest that maybe you shouldn't do it? Once she finds out, she's going to be hurt that you did it but FAR more hurt that you did behind her back.

I must be in the minority because I think our relationships should supersede our selfishness. And I say that as a profoundly selfish human being. I know, I'm a neanderthal. That's okay. I'll go back to my cave paintings now.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Some people can't get rid of anything and unfortunately therapy has dismal results. It is often a deep seated problem from childhood and a traumatic experience.

 

[rayinpenn]

Dear Ray,

I wonder if you've really thought through the implication of this viewpoint. It is dictatorial. .

Answer: I’ve thought about it for 25 years.

A simple question Do you think my friends wife had any kind of rational reason to keep those blinds? Do you think she was emotionally attached to them? I’ll answer for you - Probably not. There are things that can go without any real harm.

I’m my 63 years on the planet I’ve come to learn clutter just like excessive cleanliness can be a kind of mental illness. When I see a dirty home it can be the litmus paper of an unhappy person. Not always mind you but all too often.

My wife’s over the clutter and helped me with that once god awful garage. She’s been tossing steadily. I have no need to stealth or sabotage purge. I do very much enjoy enjoy hearing others exploits in that regard though.

Lessons in purging..
There once was a zebra colored riding toy horse in my basement. The time my kids rode it came and went too fast, and was long ago. In act of folly I took it to the curb - it came right back and stayed in my basement for years until a Niece could use it. It was the first outbreak of Purge Fever Which I guess has a long gestation period apparently. I later got the sense that had someone grabbed it before the Mrs could de purge it. It would have been bad, real bad. Thus I have an appreciation for the suicide purge:tossing a beloved artifact.

 

[Mdlerth]

Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

Dear Ray,

Your reasoning is sound... as a defense of de-cluttering in general.

But I interpreted your OP as a discussion of doing it in secret, at the expense of your DW. It's the lack of honesty that raises concerns.

We're not talking about a tactful prevarication to the fraught question of does one dress look better than another, or whether those jeans amplify her derriere. As a husband, you get thrust into some no-win situations where your only hope is a quick escape.

The issue I thought you were asking about is deliberate conspiracy to deceive. Even if the purpose is objectively logical, and even if you have good intentions, it's a slippery slope. What's the next action you'll take "for her own good"? Escalation, in small steps, is dangerously easy.

Seriously, you have a solid case for reducing the ballast in the good ship Rayinpenn. Why not present that case to your mate in a straightforward, businesslike fashion? I expect she will get it. After all, she was smart enough to marry you!

Good luck.

 

[SecondCor521]

+1000 to Walt34 and Mdlerth's comments on this thread. My ex stealth purged my stuff and my kids' stuff on a regular basis. She also gaslighted me and at least my oldest son and probably the two others. She is unrepentant about the former and denies the latter; because I only have another 950 days of shared custody with her and because I don't know how to bring it up in a way that she would change, I just grit my teeth and try not to let it get under my skin.

I'm not sure if OP was serious or joking when including the word "divorce" in the thread title, but the disrespect and dishonesty and arrogance represented by my ex's behavior (which carried over to other areas) meant our marriage was doomed. Ironically, she ended it instead of me; I was simply stubborn and put up with a lot in a vain effort to maintain my marriage vows.

(Oh, and it wasn't really even about the stuff; I have always had and been the more spartan of the two of us. She has a normal to cluttered house now and mine is quite bare but that is how I like it.)

 

[Sunset]

Some people can't get rid of anything and unfortunately therapy has dismal results. It is often a deep seated problem from childhood and a traumatic experience.

And stealth purging will only increase the trauma, by reinforcing the loss experience.

 

[Amethyst]

Oh, this is one of my buttons threadjack alert! why is this supposed to be so terrible?

By the time I ask my husband if something makes my butt look big, I already pretty much know that it does, and am just looking for additional data from someone familiar with the territory. If he says "Yes" I am not offended. I'm glad, because now I know I'd better not buy that garment, or I need to send it back. Sometimes he will actually say, "No, it looks pretty sexy to me, what are you worrying about" and he doesn't prevaricate about that.

Dear Ray,


We're not talking about a tactful prevarication to the fraught question of ...whether those jeans amplify her derriere. .

 

[kcowan]

Some people can't get rid of anything and unfortunately therapy has dismal results. It is often a deep seated problem from childhood and a traumatic experience.

In fact the self storage industry depends on it. They eventually sell the contents as part of an estate sale. One of my buddies was a pack rat, and, when he died last year, his son had the job of emptying out several self storage units. He is still working on it.

He also had a piece of land that no one knew about. Yes it is a sickness. Some react well to the help and others react poorly.