ER takes a divorce detour

[RenoJay]

Sorry to hear. My situation:

Divorced one year ago. Cost me 7 figures + 8 years alimony and 13 years child support.

Immediately felt relief to be out of hopeless marriage.

Met my current girlfriend 5 months later. We just hit 7 month anniversary. Wasn't looking for love, but I guess that's when we tend to find it unexpectedly. Had the talk with new girl that I don't want to ever be legally married, but at some point I'd be willing to provide the security of marriage, i.e. some sort of financial arrangement. Reason for this is I had prenup AND postnup with ex, and ex's lawyers immediately started looking for loopholes in those docs.

Currently friendly with ex and we are co-parenting much better than when we were married. I do a lot of " goodwill-building" by helping her fix her internet, change lightbulbs, hang pictures, etc.

Advice: the lawyers are in it for a "win" but you'll be tied to the ex via the kids for decades. Therefore, know when to end a fight and give in so you can move toward a functional and amicable relationship with her once the immediate angers dissipates. Friends are now seeking me out to mediate their divorces based on this model of not trying to destroy each other.

Best of luck. You're not alone.


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

 

[Olbidness]

One of the final conversations with my Ex, she informed me that she wanted a divorce and she proceeded to list all the things she wanted. She stuck her finger in my face and said "You don't want to go to war with me". All I was thinking was "oh reeeaalllyy" while I maintained a placid expression. Next day I filed and got the meanest lawyer in the county.


Lesson: If you have to fight, its best to get the first lick in.

 

[aja8888]

After a long and bitter divorce, and long term emotional damage to our daughter, ex-wife passes away 20 years later due to complications from a stroke caused by not taking care of herself, heavy drinking, poor eating habits, etc.

She never remarried as she could not find someone to pay her way given her lifestyle, so she blew all the cash I supplied into the ground and the paid for home I bought her went into major dis-repair. Once the child support was over, she essentially was broke (years earlier I bought out her alimony - big plus for me at the time, but a large chunk of money).

The house I bought her was now willed to our daughter (only child alive) and all she wanted to do was fix it up and sell it. So we (both of us together) turned it into a father/daughter project and rebuilt the place - new roof, new siding, new doors, some new windows, new floor tile, carpet, new toilets, sinks, all new paint, etc). I guess we dropped $40K in it and only contracted out the roof and siding. We both worked as a team for a good 6 months. Then we listed it and sold it for a $40K profit of which I gave to her.

All the stuff inside that she took from the divorce was either sold or given to DD.

So ended that chapter in our lives. It's never fun and it will be over sometime in the future.

 

[Danmar]

After a long and bitter divorce, and long term emotional damage to our daughter, ex-wife passes away 20 years later due to complications from a stroke caused by not taking care of herself, heavy drinking, poor eating habits, etc.

She never remarried as she could not find someone to pay her way given her lifestyle, so she blew all the cash I supplied into the ground and the paid for home I bought her went into major dis-repair. Once the child support was over, she essentially was broke (years earlier I bought out her alimony - big plus for me at the time, but a large chunk of money).

The house I bought her was now willed to our daughter (only child alive) and all she wanted to do was fix it up and sell it. So we (both of us together) turned it into a father/daughter project and rebuilt the place - new roof, new siding, new doors, some new windows, new floor tile, carpet, new toilets, sinks, all new paint, etc). I guess we dropped $40K in it and only contracted out the roof and siding. We both worked as a team for a good 6 months. Then we listed it and sold it for a $40K profit of which I gave to her.

All the stuff inside that she took from the divorce was either sold or given to DD.

So ended that chapter in our lives. It's never fun and it will be over sometime in the future.

Powerful story. Although, I would never wish harm on anyone, I would stand to benefit greatly if my x passed away, at least before I bought out the alimony through an annuity. It would be very traumatic for my daughter though. Accordingly, I am quite happy with the status quo.

 

[O2Bfree]

I watched my boyfriend suffer with the financial and emotional burdens of divorce and a difficult ex during the first 8 years of our relationship. It was awful at times, but yes, it does end. I remember the day he opened the letter that said his child support had ended. Took several weeks before it really sunk in, that his income had nearly doubled!

It's awful to say, but the cards are so stacked against you guys in this that whenever I read stories about guys offing their exes I have to wonder what she's putting him through. No excuse for that of course, but still.

 

[Walt34]

It's awful to say, but the cards are so stacked against you guys in this that whenever I read stories about guys offing their exes I have to wonder what she's putting him through. No excuse for that of course, but still.

After 29 years in law enforcement I came to the conclusion that very often, the victim in a homicide had it coming. Doesn't make it right of course or the proper action, but certainly understandable.

 

[Music Lover]

Men almost always do worse in a divorce and they also do worse when jail time is being handed out.

When is the last time a couple committed a crime and a deal was struck with the man to give evidence against the woman for a reduced sentence rather than the other way around?

 

[Senator]

And remember that money never buys happiness.

But it can buy me a boat and a truck to pull it.

 

[haha]

Met my current girlfriend 5 months later. We just hit 7 month anniversary. Wasn't looking for love, but I guess that's when we tend to find it unexpectedly. Had the talk with new girl that I don't want to ever be legally married, but at some point I'd be willing to provide the security of marriage, i.e. some sort of financial arrangement.

This is very interesting, and not unusual. But how many women have ever offered you the "security if a marriage via a financial arrangement?" I know I have never had any of these offers.

Why does a man trading his sexual input and caring for a woman's sexual input and caring so often require the man to pay boot to close the deal? What ever became of dowry?

Ha

 

[Salaryman]

One of the final conversations with my Ex, she informed me that she wanted a divorce and she proceeded to list all the things she wanted. She stuck her finger in my face and said "You don't want to go to war with me". All I was thinking was "oh reeeaalllyy" while I maintained a placid expression. Next day I filed and got the meanest lawyer in the county.


Lesson: If you have to fight, its best to get the first lick in.

First punch in the nose stops the bully all the time. For me, when I finally broke something in me changed and all of a sudden I changed to a new person. Bam, no more Mr. nice guy.

Salaryman

 

[Amethyst]

Bride price remains common in some cultures. Alexander McCall Smith's wonderful Botswana novels continually mention "lebola," the paying of cattle or money to a bride's family (even when the family in question never did anything for the bride).

Still, in an American context, your view of marriage sounds uncomfortably close to legitimized prostitution. I wonder if that is actually how you view it. As for me, nobody "paid" anything for me in a marriage (unless you count the engagement ring) and I've been married twice. Both times, I ended up making more money than my husband. Would you say that makes me a "loser" in the marriage, and I should have held out for someone who would pay more for my services? Or...heavens...do you see it as my "paying" for my husband's sexual input and caring...making him a legitimized gigolo?

Amethyst

This is very interesting, and not unusual. But how many women have ever offered you the "security if a marriage via a financial arrangement?" I know I have never had any of these offers.

Why does a man trading his sexual input and caring for a woman's sexual input and caring so often require the man to pay boot to close the deal? What ever became of dowry?

Ha

 

[nun]

What a sad, bitter and misogynistic thread.

 

[Tandemlovers]

What a sad, bitter and misogynistic thread.

+1

 

[Lucantes]

Bride price remains common in some cultures. Alexander McCall Smith's wonderful Botswana novels continually mention "lebola," the paying of cattle or money to a bride's family (even when the family in question never did anything for the bride).
Still, in an American context, your view of marriage sounds uncomfortably close to legitimized prostitution. I wonder if that is actually how you view it. As for me, nobody "paid" anything for me in a marriage (unless you count the engagement ring) and I've been married twice. Both times, I ended up making more money than my husband. Would you say that makes me a "loser" in the marriage, and I should have held out for someone who would pay more for my services? Or...heavens...do you see it as my "paying" for my husband's sexual input and caring...making him a legitimized gigolo?
Amethyst

+1

 

[Lucantes]

What a sad, bitter and misogynistic thread.

+1

 

[Olbidness]

I can think of few things more devastating to FIRE than divorce. Honest discussion is important no mater how distasteful. Shaming in an effort to stifle discourse doesn't add anything. Have a point of view? Make your point.

 

[MichaelB]

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