Salaryman
Recycles dryer sheets
Salaryman, sorry to read your story. Don't have any new advice that others haven't shared with you. All I can say is to hang in there --this too shall pass.
Best Wishes.
Thanks Rickt.
Appreciate the well wishes.
Salaryman, sorry to read your story. Don't have any new advice that others haven't shared with you. All I can say is to hang in there --this too shall pass.
Best Wishes.
"If I'd killed her when I met her, I'd be out of jail by now."
(sorry about the divorce, SM--you seem to be getting some really good advice from some veterans of the marital wars)
Have been there and most advice I would give is woven in the responses you have received.
One thing I didn't see mentioned is the special requirements when divorced and taking the kids out of the country. The Ex has to give their permission. Also who will obtain and have custody of the passports? Can you tell I have had to deal with this?
Good luck!
Until now, she had pushed back on the passports as a form of control and also to prove how unreasonably difficult she is.
It was painful, but got it done.
+1. My thoughts exactly when I read Lone Aspen's comments.It's very hard to take the stand you've taken and find someone decent to go into matrimony. I agree that many spouses need a prenuptial agreement, but keeping everything separate doesn't work well.
So sorry about your situation. My DBF went through this, and the hardest part (besides getting soaked financially) was when his two kids started playing mom and dad against each other because mom and dad weren't on the same page regarding discipline. Mostly it was "dad's the bad guy because he has rules in his house". Tough rules such as "lock the door when you leave the house" and "no smoking in the house" --rules they agreed to before they moved in with us.
It got ugly, really ugly, with the kids gaining control in the power-play when the ex decided she wanted them back a short time later because her new relationship fell through. I'm sad to say that we don't see the kids anymore.
So I'm hoping you and your ex can still present a united front with regards to rules and discipline.
Yes, I know the feeling. I couldn't get my X to agree to anything without some offsetting concession. One strategy might be to point out that the kids would be winners if they got to travel with you. My X did want the best for our daughter and routinely agreed to travel.
It does get a little better as time wears on. The best thing that happened to me was that she met someone and had to appear more reasonable in front of him, ie stalking stopped, midnight harassing calls stopped,etc.
One other thing I did once we reached the final agreement. I inserted a clause where I could buy her a life annuity to replace the alimony I am paying. I intend to do this in a few years to finally remove her completely(almost) from my life.
Funny.
Heard this one other day.
What are the three rings of marriage:
-engagement ring
-wedding ring
-suffer ring
I think he should demand she buy him a 26 foot center console boat with twin 250's. Only fair thing to do. This equal rights thing could be a really good thing.
The best thing that happened to me was that she met someone and had to appear more reasonable in front of him, ie stalking stopped, midnight harassing calls stopped,etc.
Been hiking biking and increasing activities while cutting back on the drinking, already feeling the benefits. Therapy has also been helping as well. Thanks for the advice.
Your parenting plans all sound well and good, but how many years do you expect to be "visiting" your own children? And how do you define "visiting" ? IMO you can't really do active parenting from over a 1000 miles away. You said you have pre-teens, is there no way you can live in the same town? If a Mother had this arrangement she would be pretty heavily criticized.
Can you really be actively involved from that far away?
Maybe a touchy question, but: Why did you decide to cut back on the drinking?
Check with your lawyer, of course, but my understanding of the taxation of alimony and child support is exactly opposite of that earlier in the thread. I believe you want the alimony amounts and the child support amounts to be spelled out separately because the former are tax deductible to you (and taxable income to her) and the latter are not. If the amounts are combined then I believe none of it is tax deductible.
Good luck. My ex left me in 2006 after 15 years and three kids. I was unhappy for a while but life has gotten slowly but steadily better over time. We split our net worth 50/50, I took and paid off all the debt, and even after paying a (small) lump sum alimony and ~14 years of child support (2006-2020), I am now FI and am planning to RE in the spring.
2Cor521
After reading thru a few of your comments, I'd be interested in hearing your EX's side of the story, I'm guessing it's quite a bit different then yours.
Your comment "thank God I SENT her to nursing school" what does that mean?
I raised the kids while she went to nursing school and worked night shifts..and were you at work all day yourself?
She had a good thing going and pushed too far and lost it all.
"Her money went into a black hole and mine just paid the bills" Would you like to define black hole for everybody.
The assets were all created by me, what does that mean.
You did too good a job of saving/investing and yet your contention is she spent like girls gone wild and ran up debt, did she not have access to any joint money.
You moved her away from her family because you didn't like her being around them...was this a joint decision or did you just do it?
And finally, your contention you are a greatly involved parent, well you have a weekend to travel cross country, a week at work, and what's left in the weekend you have to fly back to the West Coast....this covers a month's time. Instead of a fancy trip to Europe you might consider spreading out your vacation time to spend on the East coast.
For someone who isn't going to throw shade, you are doing a pretty good job of it. I hope things work out for you and your kids, but be conscious of the fact that you seem to have a pretty big chip on your shoulder still.
Her approach to money was, what is yours is mine and what is mine is mine (her words).
What I made, I spend fully on the kids, family and shared expenses. On top of that I made sure that some of it was saved and invested even though it was not easy. I was fully transparent of my income expenses assets. She was not transparent, nor contributed to any of the major expenses. Income wise it was a 65/35 split. Expenses wise it was more like 90/10 for the duration of the marriage. Her approach to money was, what is yours is mine and what is mine is mine (her words).
Because I was able to save money all of my life and family is comfortable, she took the approach that I could afford it all.
All of the assets saved and invested during marriage was from me. Where her money went, I have no clue (i.e. black hole).
All the money went to the lawyers.