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Old 09-05-2017, 12:42 PM   #101
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Has anyone suggested the option of having a heart-to-heart with GF, detailing all of the things he loves about her, and the things that prompt him to seek advice from strangers on the internet?

It seems obvious to me, OP, that you value the relationship. You obviously have some experience with what happens when incompatibilities destroy them. You have an opportunity here to find out if GF can respect and love you for who you are, and embrace what is important to you, or if she can't. Seize the opportunity. Maybe it will work out great, or maybe it will just save you a lot of money and heartache down the road.

Good Luck.
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Old 09-05-2017, 12:50 PM   #102
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... It's maybe not about the dollar amount but the value you place on what you buy. I could be your Dad except for the Goodwill comment. I happen to be a person that feels eating meals away from home isn't a good value. To me an appetizer is just a thing that God invented to waste money. That's just me..I wouldn't care if I never ate a restaurant meal again.

Have done college for both DD's, paid for 2 very nice weddings, down payments for houses without a second thought. Would give either my kids or Gkids the shirt off my back in an emergency yet when we go out together as a family and I see a 3 digit number on my bill it bugs the heck out of me. BUT I DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT MY PROBLEM AND I WANT THEM TO ENJOY THE MEAL...
When we eat out, it's not really for the food but the atmosphere or a change in scenery. I keep that in mind, else would go crazy looking at what they charge for what I know cost so little in ingredients. The rule of thumb in the restaurant business is that only 1/3 of the meal cost is in the ingredients. A restaurateur provides a service, and he has other costs.

And because we do not do this often, I do not feel like I need to skimp, compared to people who eat out more often (and no, fast food is not eating out in our book, and we do not do that often either for health reasons).
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Old 09-05-2017, 01:00 PM   #103
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Has anyone suggested the option of having a heart-to-heart with GF, detailing all of the things he loves about her, and the things that prompt him to seek advice from strangers on the internet?
No because this is a dangerous option. We may be overbearing and nosey, but we are usually risk averse.

Ha
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Old 09-05-2017, 01:44 PM   #104
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Just to expand, do you think there's a chance of her changing?
One thing I've learned in life is.... you can't change someone. A liar will always lie and a thief will always steal. We are all unique individuals and changing to someone else's expectations will be like changing genes
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Old 09-05-2017, 01:45 PM   #105
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you know the old saying my sides her side and the truth.

I would just talk to her and be open about your feelings and maybe compromise in some way.

As for the cloths you wear. Maybe what she was trying to say that she would like you to put more effort towards your appearance?
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Old 09-05-2017, 01:55 PM   #106
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.I wouldn't care if I never ate a restaurant meal again.
+1 Except if it means I'm going to die today.
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Old 09-05-2017, 01:59 PM   #107
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A serious heart-to-heart doesn't work for me with various relationships. Also, when I make an emotional comment at the time of the little nipping comment, it comes out ugly. If it is repeat behavior, then I come up with a good comeback and use it every time. For example, some of DW's friends or even DW try to get me to do more of this or that. Now, I just say "Shaming doesn't work on me." or "Did you know that shaming is not acceptable any more?" Works every time. In your case, I would say something like: "Your shaming language is great. Does it come naturally or is it learned behavior?" Of course, you might start WW3...
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Old 09-05-2017, 02:05 PM   #108
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No because this is a dangerous option. We may be overbearing and nosey, but we are usually risk averse.

Ha
how true...
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Old 09-05-2017, 02:18 PM   #109
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BUT, when we go to a restaurant, I get a little embarrassed about how closely he scrutinizes the bill, how his clothes look like they’re from the dumpster behind goodwill, etc. So I get the point that people have made about me. For some of us, there’s pride in exemplifying the Millionaire Next Door, but for those around us, it can be a bit much.
You could go shopping together, set a budget ahead of time and have her help pick out some new clothes for you. As for the snippiness, you could ask her to try speaker - listener technique, instead of the snips which as others pointed out sounds like contempt, which is a research based relationship killer. Maybe she has some valid points and doesn't know a more constructive way to make them.

As for the gambling, if it is not a lot and it is her own money, then learn to let it go. If she has fun with it then what is the difference if it is a night gambling with friends or going to a weekend spa. The same with the appetizers. If they are from your joint entertainment account and she is not overspending it, then just let it go.
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Old 09-07-2017, 12:08 PM   #110
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I'm a saver, but my husband took saving to new extreme levels.

This is the second marriage for both of us, and we are both well-versed in Gottmann's research and make conscious efforts to invest in our relationship.

While we were engaged, I remarked - often - on his clothes. He shrugged it off. I realized that I was on a slippery slope, and nagging or sniping would not change him. I solved the problem by dragging him to Target and Macy's and buying him a new wardrobe. The deal was that I would pay for it and he wasn't allowed to look at the price tags or argue if I made him buy 5 shirts instead of 2.

It was a win-win. He wears the same general uniform - jeans and casual shirts - but now ones that actually fit and weren't completely faded. (I also didn't throw away his old clothes, but I reserved the right to refuse to leave the house with him if I thought he was dressed inappropriately for the occasion.)

5 years later, he's learned to spend a little more on some things, and I've learned to be more frugal on some things. We have common fiscal goals...and sometimes one of us still needs to think outside the box a little to solve an area of difference.

I recommend more communication with the gf, and, possibly a few sessions of couples counseling, especially if she hasn't been married before.
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