I'm a saver, she's a spender

[TimeMeasure]

FAST

Had to laugh at this - because it's so true.

The real issue is not the spending vs. saving. The real issue is whether you have compatible value systems. It's very difficult to have a lasting or satisfying relationship if you have fundamentally different values.

And on top of that, as others have mentioned, Dr. Gottman pigeonholed significant predictors of relationship failure, and contempt is one of them. This is well worth a read because it is spot on:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-fo...cism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Could your GF change? Anything's possible - but it doesn't sound likely from the information you've given us. Life is very short. Best to try to find someone to spend it with who truly values you, and who you in turn can truly value.

 

[FANOFJESUS]

She does not treat people with respect at all.

 

[Bamaman]

I actually found a woman that was more frugal than I was. And I kept her.

Too much differences in your personalities.

 

[travelover]

I dated a woman like this after I was first divorced. She was beautiful, too, which made doing the right thing all the harder. Save yourself a lot of grief and find someone who respects you for who you are. She will resent any effort to change her and you already resent her efforts to change you.

Good luck.

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

Run.

FAST

+1 on that!

+1000

OMG too funny.

 

[aja8888]

OP, realize that some of our female members in this thread are telling you to cut it off.

 

[MarieIG]

[My AGI is probably 5x hers, so we agreed on starting a joint account where I'd put in the lion's share, and she'd put in a little bit, and we'd use that for joint expenses like eating out, travel, etc. So far it's worked out pretty well as far as sticking to the budget we've agreed upon. My issue is that I feel she's constantly making snippy comments about me being "cheap", dressing like cr*p, not caring enough about brand names, not being impulsive ("spontaneous") enough, etc. The comments are really getting to me, given that my cost of living is way higher than hers, that I pay for almost everything we do as a couple, and that I value the security of a big nest egg way more than the fleeting joy of more stuff, or an extra appetizer. Any advice here? I've tried to address this before, but it seems to keep happening.[/QUOTE]

There are two sides to every story. Are you making comments about making FIVE TIMES MORE THAN SHE DOES, PAYING FOR THE LION'S SHARE OF EXPENSES, while expecting her to contribute to your dating account?

I am NOT giving her a free pass. I do NOT like her comments at all, they are rude. But I have to wonder if it is a bit of tit for tat. She sounds angry and/or resentful. And no, I am not suggesting that you two are made for each other, that does not seem to be the case, but I do suggest sitting down and having a serious talk about what is really bothering her. A lesson for your next, hopefully better relationship. (If designer clothes are really her top priority, then perhaps need to look a little deeper when choosing a GF)

Oh, and with your next romantic interest, perhaps find a gal that enjoys a walk in the park, a grill cheese sandwich, and believes in budgeting. And btw - keep your awesome AGI under wraps for a while.

Think seriously about what you WANT from a relationship. And also think seriously about what you BRING to a relationship. (And when you are thinking about what you BRING, start by taking the material things out of the equation, and look very closely at the man.)

 

[Luck_Club]

Sounds like this thread http://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f27/trophy-spouse-companion-or-live-alone-88144.html

Good luck. It is tough to see the forest through the trees or a pair of tight jeans's

 

[socca]

My issue is that I feel she's constantly making snippy comments about me being "cheap", dressing like cr*p, not caring enough about brand names, not being impulsive ("spontaneous") enough, etc.

"Friends with benefits" with GF in her own place managing her own finances is the most I'd want to be entangled with that one. It's also worth thinking about the example that the GF is setting for the kids, both in managing money and how to behave in a relationship.

 

[Elbata]

Try a couple experiments. Shouldn't be too difficult to think up.

 

[candrew]

I've tried to address this before, but it seems to keep happening.

Over the decades, too many friends and acquaintances of mine have made the mistake of believing they could change the character of their significant others. None of them were successful.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I personally would not be interested in someone with a complaint about "not caring enough about brand names". It is more important for me to fund my own retirement than Ralph Lauren's.

 

[atmsmshr]

Not only are her spending habits different from yours, but she seriously disrespects you. Over time you will cave, or have to confront what this says about her feelings for you. John Gottman has studied this, and he calls it contempt. He says it is a major divorced predictor.

Ha

This is the core of the issue. Some avoid it happening to them by choosing relationships carefully, some are trapped and miserable, some inflict contempt on others, and some divorce.

 

[Amethyst]

I require more data.

"My GF is super smart, beautiful, has a professional career and is fun." How is she with your kids? You've been together a year; I'm surprised you didn't mention this.

To me, it sounds as if instead of love, you've made this relationship all about money, and how you make so much more than she does. Being beautiful - which you evidently consider so important that you are willing to accept a partner who makes far less money - takes time, effort, and yes, money. For that reason alone, she has a right to expect you to invest in your appearance, too. (You didn't say whether you do take care of your looks, and she is just searching for stuff to pick at, which would be a danger sign).

The quip about the extra appetizer puzzled me. Are you saying you won't let her have one (which would be too stingy for words) or that she thinks you need to have one, even if you aren't hungry (which would be weird)?

 

[IMATERP]

I wouldn't do it either! Nope, no way.

In addition to "your values" not matching, I really would question the other party who is being so condescending regarding your financial habits/priorities.

If she "traps you" - get a pre-nup, as it is not going to work.

Michael

 

[athena53]

I'm late to the party but I also agree this doesn't look good. I married someone who expected the best of everything the first time around. He wouldn't enter K-Mart even if it had what we wanted because he was just too fine to go into K-Mart. He had to drive the latest Camaro. He wore Hickey-Freeman suits. We had to send sheets out to be laundered because he liked them pressed. Blah, blah, blah. He also had no savings and a boatload of credit card debt, which doesn't seem to be a factor in your case.

It was a nightmare. Because he spent every dime he made and then some, I was the emergency fund. Need a new roof? Paid for out of my savings. Water heater died? I paid for another one. Seven years after the divorce I married a dear man who was 15 years older, made half what I did, but shared my financial priorities. Travel was our big splurge and we had many wonderful trips before he died late last year. OTOH, we spent less than $300 (combined) on clothes last year and never bought a new (current year model) car in the 20 years we were together. Unless I buy a boat or an airplane or take up with an expensive boy toy, I'm very unlikely to outlive my savings despite hefty travel and charity budgets. I appreciate my dear husband for helping to build those resources through good teamwork.

The sniping about your being cheap concerns me, as does the gambling. I know plenty of people consider it entertainment and go in with a pre-determined amount and leave when/if that's gone. If she has that discipline, good, but that's still money that can't be used elsewhere and she may decide to increase the stakes at any time.

 

[MrLoco]

Whatever you do....DO NOT MARRY HER!!! She is toxic.

First: Dissolve the joint account so she does not rob you.

Second: Dump her.

In that order.

 

[Ronstar]

Speaking from experience, I would heed the above advice. I've been married for 35 years and it's rare to have a week go by where we don't argue about $. My DW now lives barely below her means on her pension. But I spent years trying to get her to be more frugal. OP seems to be heading down a similar path, or worse.

 

[Rianne]

I changed my spending ways to adapt to DH. I realized saving is fun, kind of a game to save, find good deals and say no to spending. Most of my family spends frivolously and I see how that is an insecurity and fear of looking cheap. I'm really good and saving now and thank DH for teaching me how to save. Now we're FIRE and still have our health to enjoy it.

 

[Aerides]

Amethyst, I think you've hit on this, OP may need to do some inward looking (and yes, "nearly a year" and no mention of how she'd be as a step-mom to your kids?)

Hi. My AGI is probably 5x hers, so we agreed on starting a joint account where I'd put in the lion's share, and she'd put in a little bit, and we'd use that for joint expenses like eating out, travel, etc. So far it's worked out pretty well as far as sticking to the budget we've agreed upon. My issue is that I feel she's constantly making snippy comments about me being "cheap", dressing like cr*p, not caring enough about brand names, not being impulsive ("spontaneous") enough, etc. The comments are really getting to me, given that my cost of living is way higher than hers, that I pay for almost everything we do as a couple, and that I value the security of a big nest egg way more than the fleeting joy of more stuff, or an extra appetizer. Any advice here? I've tried to address this before, but it seems to keep happening.

The joint account for dating at <1 year, when you make 5x her, sounds very off. I would have been offended, and it's not exactly romantic. When did that start? Sure she agreed, but she's probably ticked and should be. Doesn't make her a gold-digger, but who makes a shared account for dating? Never heard of that...

Then if YOU are constantly managing that account ("let's not get the appetizer that's $9 dear!"), yeah that might bring out the snippy. Or turning down her suggestions on a restaurant with a far-lesser substitute... yeah that would not be fun.

Yes, you are still not a match, but OP may have helped bring that about. Money is nice, but it's playing a 3rd wheel, and a controlling one, in this relationship.

 

[Nemo2]

DW & I are totally in sync when it comes to the allocation of our meagre funds....we are in absolute agreement about what is, and what isn't, important to us.

My late wife's best friend, (widowed a couple years after me), however is on a totally different page; she's in a happy live-in, buy homes together, relationship, with a guy a few years younger than she, (and who is still gainfully employed), and the pair of them, (him to a slightly lesser degree from our casual observation), appear to have a "Spend it before it's gone" philosophy.

I've said to DW that, as much as I like the friend, (and I do), there is no way in the world that I would ever have gotten hooked up with her.

 

[SomedaySoon]

To the OP : You say you are divorced. Was your Ex's spending or disrespect an issue in the first marriage ?

 

[jollystomper]

The the OP - to quote other posters above, and to quote myself from another thread, run away fast screaming into the night from this situation.

Realize that the BIGGEST reason couples break up are financial differences. Even couples who are on the same page financially will have different financial views and points of views in situations - having a common goal and outlook helps. When things are as you describe, they do not help and in fact could get worse.

I had a co-worker in a similar situation, he married a beautiful woman but whom also liked to spend impulsively. He thought he could "teach" her how he had saved. Another female co-worker who was more aware of the situation that I was said bluntly "I give them 2 years". They did not last 18 months, and the split was over finances.

If the comments are getting to you now, marriage is not going to make the comments feel any better.

 

[Car-Guy]

Hi. Just looking for some practical advice. I'm divorced, two kids, and I've had a girlfriend for nearly a year. My GF is super smart, beautiful, has a professional career and is fun. But she's a spender at heart.

Any advice here? I've tried to address this before, but it seems to keep happening.

ER. Org is probably not the best forum to ask such a question. (IMO)

 

[Danmar]

Spending issues were a prime reason for my (very expensive) divorce.