Age difference in relationships post-FIRE

[CO-guy]

I found a few similar threads, but most were either about dating post-FIRE or couples FIRE-ing in a similar timeframe in spite of age differences.

What I'm interested to hear about are people that have FIRE'd while their younger spouse continued with their career. I'm 52, FIRE'd in May and my better-half is nearly 9 years younger than me. She's amazing. She dropped her career to follow me out to Colorado almost 20 years ago so I could pursue my own career, and while I did that, she built a life for us, built our house, and wove us a beautiful community of friends in our small mountain town. She also picked up snowboarding and mountain biking, and I encouraged her to tip that work/life balance heavily towards the side of leisure during those years. During that extended sabbatical, she found a passion for education, completed a teacher certification program and started working as a teacher's aid before finally working her way up to becoming a classroom teacher after several years.

Now that I'm finally FIRE'd, she is thrilled. My full-time was a toxic dumpster fire and my business was essentially a second F/T gig. She's so much happier now that I'm less busy on the weekends and less stressed overall. She wants me to have that same leisurely life she had a decade ago, but she has no intention of leaving her career at this point. She has roughly 8 more years until she's pension eligible, and so I'm curious to hear from people that have spent 5-10 years FIRE'd when their spouse is not.

Thanks for any experiences you'd care to share, good or bad.

 

[Teacher Terry]

It sounds like you both are good at supporting one another in whatever you need at the time both emotionally and financially. I think you are lucky to have found each other.

 

[Romer]

I am not in your situation. Though some things may be helpful

My wife has commented on how much more relaxed and easy going I am. How I now actually look like I am listening to everything she says

She appreciates how I do more around the house. If I see something that needs doing and I see it first, I take care of it

We both have our own spaces so even though we are home a lot together, we are not in each others way.

We do more errands together

There is much less stress in our marriage with the exception of disagreements on kids and grandkids.

Maybe there is something there for you from another guy in Colorado.

Seems like you would just need to add being more understanding of her work stresses

 

[CO-guy]

I am not in your situation. Though some things may be helpful

My wife has commented on how much more relaxed and easy going I am. How I now actually look like I am listening to everything she says

She appreciates how I do more around the house. If I see something that needs doing and I see it first, I take care of it

We both have our own spaces so even though we are home a lot together, we are not in each others way.

We do more errands together

There is much less stress in our marriage with the exception of disagreements on kids and grandkids.

Maybe there is something there for you from another guy in Colorado.

Seems like you would just need to add being more understanding of her work stresses

That's great to hear! So far, that's really what we've both noticed is that I'm just a more relaxed person. A year ago I was putting in +80hr weeks and the time it took to listen to her work stress would stress me out. I've been doing a bit more around the house, but mostly we've both been doing a lot more traveling. She's spending a week with her family in March, two trips to Europe in April and May for work, and then we're spending a few weeks with my family in June/July. I think it would be more of an issue if I didn't enjoy spending my free time near home and with her when possible, but I am planning to take a few extended trips a few years from now to places that she's not interested in visiting.

 

[pacergal]

Congratulations on your retirement and being in such a mutually supportive marriage, it sounds like you are both very happy with your decision.
With your spouse being a teacher, she has more time off with breaks and summer to travel with you if you desire.

My DH retired before I did (only by 6 months), but the time he was home, he took over many of my house chores. I came home every day with dinner planned and cooked, the house relatively clean and the laundry done. He also did many of the "errands". It made our evenings so pleasant, and more weekends were spent relaxing than running errands.

 

[donheff]

My wife is 4.5 years younger than me. I ER'd at 56 after I ran the numbers and concluded that we could both retire at that point and live the life we wanted. She decided to put in a few more years at her firm. About three years later she went part time and she retired completely when she was 59. I have lots of stuff that keeps me engaged and we are on the same page about work/life balance, so no problems ensued.

 

[CO-guy]

My wife is 4.5 years younger than me. I ER'd at 56 after I ran the numbers and concluded that we could both retire at that point and live the life we wanted. She decided to put in a few more years at her firm. About three years later she went part time and she retired completely when she was 59. I have lots of stuff that keeps me engaged and we are on the same page about work/life balance, so no problems ensued.

That's great to hear! I was definitely curious to hear from people that had a spouse who had worked as long as mine is planning to.

My better half has the opportunity to work abroad for at least one year in the next five, so we're definitely planning to maximize travel even while they continue working.

 

[Andre1969]

My maternal grandparents were about 8 years apart. They got married in 1946, when he was 30, and she was 22. Granddad took early retirement at the age of 1955, in 1971, to help take care of Grandmom's Aunt Helen. She died about a year later, but Granddad never went back to work. And never regretted it.

I was born in 1970, so in my memory, Granddad was already retired. Although, he and his brother in law did shadetree mechanic work out in the garage, and Granddad had a pretty big garden that kept him busy. Grandmom only worked about 2 miles away, at Glenn Dale Hospital. She and some of her co-worker friends usually came home around lunchtime to watch "The Young and The Restless." And I can remember, as a kid whenever they would watch me, Grandmom seemed like she was around the house enough that they both seemed practically retired to me.

Grandmom actually kept working, a few years after Granddad died. Glenn Dale Hospital closed down at the end of 1980, and she took retirement from the Federal gov't, at age 56, but then went back to work on her own, doing transcription work for doctors and nurses that she knew. Eventually she got a part-time/on-call job at another local hospital, Holy Cross, about 20 minutes away. They'd give her as many or as few hours as she wanted, as long as she stayed under 40.

Granddad died in 1990, at the age of 73, and Grandmom finally retired for good in 1994, at the age of 70. For all those years though, even though Grandmom stayed working, it still seemed like they had enough time to do what they wanted, when they wanted. They went on a lot of camping trips, and in later years, road trips where they'd stay in motels, or with friends/family members.

Granddad stayed pretty fit too, right up until maybe 4-5 months before he died. I can remember in the summer of '89, I rear-ended someone in my '80 Malibu, and he was still fit enough to take me to the junkyard. We found an '81 that was the same color, and he got the header panel and all the stuff in it (headlight/turn signal cluster, grille) and put it on for me. He also replaced the water pump for me that year. And also around that time, the alternator and starter. These days, I'd be too lazy to do any of that stuff by myself, and I'm only 53! Well, maybe the alternator, if it's not too buried.

 

[ShokWaveRider]

My DW is 5 years younger than me. We retired together bot the first time in 2001 for 5 years and the second and final time time since 2012.

 

[W2R]

What I'm interested to hear about are people that have FIRE'd while their younger spouse continued with their career.

Frank is six years younger than I am. Like me, he decided to retire as soon as he qualified for retirement benefits but not before. So, he couldn't retire until 3-4 months after I did.

That worked out really well for me. I had some free time to adjust to retirement and not having to do *anything* that somebody else wanted me to do, before having to adjust to whatever he wanted to do during the daytime.

So what did I choose to do? I went to the gym every day and that was great. Then I'd walk through women's clothing stores (buying nothing), and then go to a cheap restaurant and order a po'boy. Once he retired, I had gotten a lot of immediate desires (like working out, shopping for clothes, and po'boys) "out of my system". I definitely knew I didn't want new clothes! At that point I was happy doing whatever he thought would be fun.

 

[dmpi]

I retired three years before my wife because of our age difference. I don't want to sound selfish, I love my wife but I really enjoyed my alone time. If you do it, cherish those years because after she retires the dynamics will change.

 

[LakeRat1]

My DW retired at 59.5, we are 8 years apart, she is older .... 4 months later Mega Corp offered a severance package..... I took the package at 52..... We have both been retired for 10 years as of yesterday ...... We have been blessed and are very fortunate to enjoy the past 10 years, traveling, buying/selling homes/condos, living full-time in Florida ..... Tomorrow is not promised, we are very happy that we decided to retire early and enjoy our best lives while we are both healthy and able ......

 

[yakers]

DW is 2.5 years older than I am, she retired two years before me, she still refers to those as the 'golden years'.

 

[rodi]

It could backfire. My husband is almost 10 years older than me. He was in a toxic job situation and retired at 62. It helped that we had minor children so the boys got SS till they were 18 on his benefit.

He definitely took over the cooking part of household chores - it was awesome coming home to lovely meals. He was obsessed with the food channel. Unfortunately for him, my work situation became untenable, and I was jealous of his free time. I ran the numbers and decided I should retire also. This was about 7 months after he retired.

Fate had it's last laugh. He'd handed his last architectural project off to another employee when he retired... that employee quit with zero notice... Hubster had to go back to work to wrap up the job for the next 4-5 months. So I retired, he unretired (temporarily).

My advice is to enjoy your retirement, make her life simpler while she is still working, and don't be surprised if things change.

One last caveat - on this forum there are some who consider themselves the 'retirement police'. They won't consider you retired if your spouse still works, if you have rental income, or hobby income.... Ignore them.

 

[DrRoy]

Every individual is different, so even other's similar situations may not be relevant. If your DW is genuinely satisfied with your joint situation, then that is what is important.

 

[CO-guy]

One last caveat - on this forum there are some who consider themselves the 'retirement police'. They won't consider you retired if your spouse still works, if you have rental income, or hobby income.... Ignore them.

Thanks for the caveat. My spouse is obviously still working, we have long- and short-term rentals, I'm still part-time with my former employer and I run my own business consulting part-time/remote. For me, that's FIRE'd.

 

[Andre1969]

I don't think there's ever going to be a consensus on what constitutes "Retired" vs "Not Retired." Plus, you can actually be both at the same time. For instance, my old supervisor back in the 90's retired from the Air Force, and went to work as a gov't contractor. He finally went out for good, at the age of 62. I didn't think of him as retired, because here he was, putting in 40 hours per week. Yet, he was drawing a pension.

So, I guess context can be everything. Plus, I think whatever you call yourself can change, over time, if some unforeseen circumstance comes up. For instance, if I was to quit my job now, at the age of 53, I'd consider myself retired. But, let's say I went back to work at the age of 60. Could be for any reason...running out of money, getting bored, etc. Would that 53-60 range still be called "Retired" and my going back to work be called "un-retiring?" Or would it be called a "Failed Retirement," "Long-term Unemployed," "Sabbatical," "Break from work," or what?

Anyway, call it what you want, regardless of what the Retirement Police think, and enjoy it. You're not going to change their mind on it, and they're not going to change yours. But whatever you call it, just live it to the fullest!

 

[jeroly]

I (64 M) was FIREd before I met my sweetie (53 F) ten years ago. She's still working. The arrangement mostly works for us but might not be great for everyone. A big part of it is that my sweetie is not the jealous type and is completely okay with me taking off every month or two for weeks at a time to travel to the places on my bucket list.

The arrangement has its strengths and weaknesses IMO...

Pros:
- Plenty of time for ourselves
- A firehose of incoming cash from sweetie's job
- Lots of self-satisfaction for my sweetie from doing her job well
- I'm very available to do things for my sweetie (drive to doctor's appointments, shop, research)
- My healthcare could've been covered by her job (for various reasons we chose not to go that route).

Cons:
- My sweetie can't travel with me 95% of the times I head off
- My sweetie can't do things during the day with me most of the time
- My sweetie is often burnt out after the workweek and doesn't have energy/enthusiasm to do things many weekends
- I often find myself structuring my day around the small moments we have together and wind up doing less than otherwise
- Since I don't have work acquaintances to do things with, my sweetie may feel like I depend on her for company too much
- I'll probably pass way before my sweetie, leaving her alone for a good chunk of the rest of her life (or leaving her in need of finding a new sweetie)

 

[Bigdawg]

We (DW and I) could be described by many different titles. We both are retired (from the military). Her in 2012 and me in 2013. She is 12 years into a gov job. I was a gov contractor for almost 10 years finally pulling the plug for good 51 weeks ago. I also get a 1099 for officiating sports so not totally retired. DW is 6 years younger. I help out as much as possible with laundry, dishes, cleaning and dinner. DW's current plan is to work until at least rule of 55 applies. 23 months.

My issue with people calling themselves "retired" when their spouse still works is the false narrative that they did something special or miraculous. My hat goes off to those early retiree's who LBTM's and saved/invested their way to FI and decided to RE. I have no problem telling people HOW I'm RE and FI. It wasn't because I(we) we super LBYM or were super savers/investing guru's. So basically, I don't want to see people puff out their chests and brag about being RE when it turns out the only reason they can be RE is because they have a spouse who still brings in the big $$.

 

[Sue J]

DH and I are the same age. Well, I'm 6 weeks older. He retired almost 14 years ago at age 55. I have a minimal part time job as a School Crossing Guard. I keep my job because I just enjoy it. And that's rare!

When the schools were closed during covid I realized I still like my job and having a schedule. I knew I wasn't ready to retire. I like earning a bit of money which all gets saved. And I like something in my life that is just mine (the job, not the money).

It took DH a while to take over some household tasks, but he now does the grocery shopping and some of the laundry and sometimes a little cleaning. He has mastered the art of puttering, where he'll get lost in a project and all the adjacent things that happen on the way from A to B. He also loves being a Grandpa and puts everything aside when he's needed for the kids.

 

[CO-guy]

My issue with people calling themselves "retired" when their spouse still works is the false narrative that they did something special or miraculous. My hat goes off to those early retiree's who LBTM's and saved/invested their way to FI and decided to RE. I have no problem telling people HOW I'm RE and FI. It wasn't because I(we) we super LBYM or were super savers/investing guru's. So basically, I don't want to see people puff out their chests and brag about being RE when it turns out the only reason they can be RE is because they have a spouse who still brings in the big $$.

I see where you're coming from. This community is literally the only place where I refer to myself as FIRE'd. Even when colleagues congratulated me on the 'retirement,' my response has been, "No. I resigned." When they ask what I plan to do, I say, "Continue running my company."

Also, just to clarify, my better-half doesn't have to work. We could be FIRE'd together, but she has her own professional goals to accomplish over the next few years. The income and health insurance coverage is certainly nice, but not needed. Next year I'm actually hoping to get a part-time guest services gig at a nearby resort. It's 100% outdoors and comes with a gear locker in the base area and a free season ski pass. If that means that I'm not RE to some, or that I'm not RE now, then oh well.

 

[sparky08]

Next year I'm actually hoping to get a part-time guest services gig at a nearby resort. It's 100% outdoors and comes with a gear locker in the base area and a free season ski pass. If that means that I'm not RE to some, or that I'm not RE now, then oh well.

That's exactly what I did. I found a job at a ski area that's so rewarding, I'd do it for free. (But they pay me minimum wage.)

Free ski pass, locker, meeting the coolest people, and huge discounts on ski gear.

I told them I'd work 1-2 days/week, but there's a big need, so I work 2-3.

I do it because I want to. I did nothing for a year after RE, and I got bored.

 

[MarieIG]

I see where you're coming from. This community is literally the only place where I refer to myself as FIRE'd. Even when colleagues congratulated me on the 'retirement,' my response has been, "No. I resigned." When they ask what I plan to do, I say, "Continue running my company."

Also, just to clarify, my better-half doesn't have to work. We could be FIRE'd together, but she has her own professional goals to accomplish over the next few years. The income and health insurance coverage is certainly nice, but not needed. Next year I'm actually hoping to get a part-time guest services gig at a nearby resort. It's 100% outdoors and comes with a gear locker in the base area and a free season ski pass. If that means that I'm not RE to some, or that I'm not RE now, then oh well.

It sounds as if you are FI (financially independent) and are able to live life on your own terms.

 

[CO-guy]

Free ski pass, locker, meeting the coolest people, and huge discounts on ski gear.

Exactly! My better half did guest services during her "sabbatical" years ago when the position was volunteer, and she loved it. Now it's a paid position because they want 2-3days/wk rather than just 1-2.

The other part that works well for me is that resorts need the extra help on busy weekends and holidays, which is when I avoid skiing at the resort.

Oh, and don't forget the food discounts for on-mountain dining, free or steeply discounted lessons/clinics, family/friend benefits, and reciprocal employee benefits at other resorts.

 

[CO-guy]

It sounds as if you are FI (financially independent) and are able to live life on your own terms.

I think so.

I grew up in the NYC area and many of my childhood friends describe a (fictional) financial state of retirement involving something known as, "FU money." For me, I've tracked our spending for years and know that we have enough passive income to continue covering our monthly expenses indefinitely. Anything else we do is just extra cushioning, or just for fun.

Anyway, that's what I would consider FI.