Combining households with elderly parents?

[BubbaChris]

Thanks for the home aide suggestions and spare room idea.

Chris, sorry for the loss of your parents and the difficult care period. That's a ton of work and money that I would not be able to keep up with.

As for me buying and renting to my parents, I'm afraid it would have to be vice versa. My modest FIRE won't cover a house that size, but my parents' home equity could if we chose the right location.

Or it could cover a CCRC deposit. Some senior places here require little to no deposit, just one monthly payment for room and board. These are "active" independent living only, but they are more ADA accessible than a house, include three meals a day plus light housekeeping, have 24/7 staffing, and can facilitate any needed outside help.

The ones that are 55+ would allow me to live there too if I wanted or needed to be that close. I've heard of adult kids doing this while their parents are living there. When the parents pass on, the kids can move out or stay.

For now the biggest challenge might be getting my parents to act soon before something is forced on them. Mom had major surgery this year with a month of home recovery. I think it was a wakeup call for both of them. I was there for a week, followed by my sib from 1,000 miles away. It took all of us just to manage. All's well now, but what's next?

Thank you for your kind thoughts. In our case it was a lot like how TriumphTR3fan described. DW and I knew it was a limited time period, so we made adjustments along the way. For example, multiple holiday dinners were spent at the restaurant in the resort where I worked. This was so mom just needed to be dressed for an outing and my work was limited to coordination and transportation. Now we can go back to making our own traditions.

All the money all came from my father's pension, along with their savings and home equity. My contributions were focused on love, time, and mental energy. I was grateful she had the financial resources to support extra care as needed.

The experience certainly set DW and I up to have a great understanding of things when we sat down with our attorney to define and create our trust. Since we are child-free, we've selected a nephew as our executor and my medical care agent. And we've had multiple conversations about our priorities.

The assisted living place I chose for my mom had a mother/son pair as residents. I can't say for sure, but it was likely in one of the two-bedroom units. A notable thing was that pair always dressed nicely for their visits to the dining room.

Some assisted living facilities can function like a CCRC, but many are not willing at all to cross over into the Skilled Nursing care side of things. If you do a little research you should be able to find a chart/table that describes the differences between the two types of care.

There was a period where I thought I'd have to move my mom to a memory care unit at another facility. When we had a chat with the assisted living folks, they were willing to schedule someone to get her up twice each night to use the restroom (for an extra monthly fee). Luckily that kept her in place until nearly the end. She spent a couple of months in Skilled Nursing at the end. And my niece made sure some of her belongings when to other residents of that facility to enhance their situations.

Best regards,
Chris

 

[Mark1]

......

Maybe it's better if you are the sole owner and your parents pay rent, or vice versa. Or if the caregiving becomes more like a job, maybe they pay you for that work. I don't know the answers, just that these are questions I'd be asking if I were in your shoes.

This is what we did for my DM and SD. We had DM/SD sell their house and put the money in the bank. My sister bought a house near her and rents it to DM and SD for fair market value. My sister initially wanted to charge them less than fair market valve, but I only agreed to the idea if my sister got the appropriate rent and no one subsidized them until the house money was gone. I figure the state 5 year look back would be fine provided we could show that the money was spent on rent. After a year now, DM/SD haven't even had to touch the house money yet to pay rent, as they can make rent payment on SS alone.

 

[Souschef]

Everyone's' situation is different. In my case my mom stayed in her condo with 24/7 aides. There came a point where she was running low on funds, but had some stock that was promised to sister's grandchildren. I told my sister I was unwilling to subsidize her grandchildren and sell the stock to take care of my mother.
When Mom finally passed, my sister got 100 % of the small estate. I had absolutely no problem with that. She was the one handling all the finances and visiting my mom a couple of times a year. She earned it.

 

[MarieIG]

Another thought. OP's parents buy the house, and OP lives there w/o paying rent; so as not to deplete OP's nest egg, especially if OP increasingly assists parents.

 

[isisdave]

DW and I are the parents in this scenario. We're barely 70 but knew eventually we'd move to be near our only child. Covid and the housing boom caused us to pull that trigger several years before we imagined.

So here we are in Evansville IN, a city of 116,000 but about 2 hours away from any other big city, so it's got a very good collection of national stores, restaurants, and two huge medical systems. But it's surrounded by very rural areas, if you prefer that. We bought a house about 20 minutes from our son, although when the house four doors down from him went on the market first, we teased we were going to buy it. He looked shocked, and unfortunately it didn't meet our needs, or we would have done it.

From my own experience with my parents, living 30 minutes away was fine until there was a health crisis, and then it wasn't. I'd get you to their town, or them to your town, or something close, while they're healthy.

Then make it so their doctor has met you, etc., so that eventually there is some familiarity. We've never lived in what we think of a small place before, and we're surprised how much this counts for. Maybe it's a Midwest thing.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be in a parent's or in a child's house if it could be avoided. There are times when we just want to avoid others, it's unfair to your child-in-law, and our mealtimes never coincide.

We know friends who bought an almost adjacent home for their parents -- imagine the two red squares in the corner of a checkerboard -- and opened up their backyards together. That has worked well.

 

[KarenF]

Combine households with elderly parents?

My mom lives in assisted living. It's not cheap, but they tend to most of her needs. I only take her to doctor appointments and grocery shopping, and I wouldn't do that by choice. We were never that close to start with, and I'm clearly just her "Uber Boy". If she didn't rely on me for transportation, I would probably never hear from her (she had no contact with me for 20 years before her stroke put her in assisted living).
...

I am sorry you feel that you are just your Mom's "Uber Boy". You are a good person to still care for her. My Mom had dementia, and it was not the pleasant kind of dementia. She had to be committed to a geriatric psyche ward twice for trying to run away and hurt people. Luckily she was too small and weak to really hurt anybody. She told everybody that would listen that she did not have any children. I still visited and took her to appointments, but it was hard. At least your Mom knows who you are.

 

[Rusa]

First, get the legal and financial affairs in order. Wills, durable general power of attorney, medical power of attorney, HIPPA release at all doctors, living wills, POLST/MOLST forms, list of all financial assets and their locations, beneficiaries on all financial accounts and maybe you should be joint on their checking accounts. Funeral wishes.

 

[zippy2020]

+1, a thousand times over.

Here's something no one has mentioned: get a copy of their retiree medical benefits summary ASAP. It would be highly unusual, although not unheard of, for such retiree benefits to include any home healthcare, Dementia Care or Skilled Nursing Care.

Another factor to consider in deciding where to live: what kind of seniorcare facilities are in the area, and how well do they rate? Most states publish that data nowadays. Turnover ratio is an important qualification; the lower the better.

Non-profits give better care vs for-profits, but for-profit chains are buying up non-profits at a rapid rate. There are no guarantees an excellent non-profit facility will remain one forever., unfortunately.

 

[marion10]

I agree with zippy on the dementia care and not for profit. Chair lifts work until they don’t- any kind of cognitive decline and they become dangerous. I would not buy anything jointly with out consulting an eldercare attorney. My mother is in a villa home in a 55 plus community. There are no services- but it is all on one level and snow removal and lawn maintenance is taken care of. She is in a duplex and she gets along well with the lady in the other side. They text each other every morning. She drives locally, but the county she is in has excellent senior transportation and will take her into the “ city” for doctors appointments.

 

[Ronstar]

We talked to our eldercare attorney about future possibility of MIL moving in with us. Attorney said to have MIL pay us rent.

 

[Ginger15]

As an only child (now retired and married 48 years) , my father was a saver from the depression era of course. He had a blue collar job and we lived comfortably. I was NOT the spoiled brat I was called by being an only child, they made sure of that. Fast forward to 2019. Parents lived in house next door to us, in OUR retirement community. I took care of them for 12 years. They were in their 90’s, married 70 years. Mom fell and I had some health issues that I could not lift or take care of her. Reluctantly she went to a beautiful assisted living apartment. My dad had saved money to pass on to me and my children but agreed to pay the $6K a month that my mom would be taken care of and enjoy her time there. She didn’t. My dad stayed in the house next door to me which really made my illness worse (the stress) until he declined so bad missing my mother, hospice became involved. He died 6 months later. I alone sold their house and possessions and it went into my mothers care fund. Covid hit the world, I was diagnosed with cancer, couldn’t see my mom but for 4 times outside that year, and she passed this past summer. They were both in 90’s. I inherited a couple hundred thousand $$$ thanks to my dad. My husband also has cancer. We have no where to go or anything to spend it on. We have helped our adult kids out of debt a couple times so we have decided to keep the inheritance because we may need to go into assisted living/memory care sometime soon. Kids will get what’s left over. My dad would be so sad to know that his saving is going for my healthcare.
I loved my parents but them insisting on me taking care of them took a toll on my marriage and definitely my health. There was a time I was so sick I worried I would die before mom. Think of yourself first.

 

[2177V]

Agreeing with this point.

We built an ADU for my in-laws in 2007/2008. By 2013, FIL had passed away and MIL was in need of memory care. We built the ADU for the in-laws' needs (wheelchair friendly, etc.) but it now serves as a rental unit and stream of retirement income. But... if we had known that it would be used for so few years we probably wouldn't have built it. Additionally, like your parents, there was a bias to home ownership - MIL was never really comfortable living there full time, and returned to her owned home each year...

I don't regret building the granny flat - but it ended up not serving the intended purpose for as long as we would have liked.

I like ADU but for another reason. If I get old and frail, I prefer not to live in a nursing home because a nursing home can cost between $6K to $8K a month.

I prefer to live my remaining life at home and hire a live-in care taker. I will let the care taker live in the ADU rent free so that I can pay the care taker about $4K to $5K a month.

This assume the care taker is not a highly skilled nurse which would cost much more. Most of the time, you will need help going to the bathroom, changing out your adult diaper, taking a bath, helping you out of bed, cooking for you, driving you to the doctor/hospital, and going shopping for you. These tasks do not required a highly trained professional nurse.

BTW I married a woman 20 years younger than me so she will be my care taker when I get old. In the meantime I have to be nice to my young wife. Therefore marrying someone 20 years younger is also an option.

 

[Amethyst]

Who will be her caretaker when she gets old?

BTW I married a woman 20 years younger than me so she will be my care taker when I get old. .

 

[Calico]

I like ADU but for another reason. If I get old and frail, I prefer not to live in a nursing home because a nursing home can cost between $6K to $8K a month.

I prefer to live my remaining life at home and hire a live-in care taker. I will let the care taker live in the ADU rent free so that I can pay the care taker about $4K to $5K a month.

This assume the care taker is not a highly skilled nurse which would cost much more. Most of the time, you will need help going to the bathroom, changing out your adult diaper, taking a bath, helping you out of bed, cooking for you, driving you to the doctor/hospital, and going shopping for you. These tasks do not required a highly trained professional nurse.

BTW I married a woman 20 years younger than me so she will be my care taker when I get old. In the meantime I have to be nice to my young wife. Therefore marrying someone 20 years younger is also an option.

Fortunately most women (and all the women I know) have wised up to this.

 

[aja8888]

BTW I married a woman 20 years younger than me so she will be my care taker when I get old. In the meantime I have to be nice to my young wife. Therefore marrying someone 20 years younger is also an option.

have you had this conversation with her yet? I hope that was not the only reason you married someone much younger!

 

[beanctr88]

My MIL is in the early stages of dementia very similar to what we saw 30 years ago with her father. As empty nesters we elected to buy a second home in my wife’s hometown so my wife can help other family care for her as her condition deteriorates. This is not full time now and she insists she will keep her own home about 2 miles away as long as possible.

But we bought our place assuming we will end up here full time when I retire and she will ultimately move in with us. We made sure to make it as elderly and wheelchair friendly as we could.

It is not an easy thing for any of the family members involved as we will all be giving up some independence, but she needs us and we are grateful that we have the resources to take care of her. I’m sure there will be frustrating times as things move forward but we want to make sure the people who love her most are there for her.

 

[2177V]

Who will be her caretaker when she gets old?

She has her family in China where “filial piety” obligates the younger generation to take care of the older generation. My wife absolutely will not grow old in the USA in which that obligation hardly exists. This is due to financial pressures in the USA. In addition, nursing homes in China (for those elderly without family) cost only 1/3 of the cost of nursing homes in the USA. We have a home in California but we are now planning to buy a second home (condo) in China which will serve as her retirement home after I kick the bucket.

 

[2177V]

Fortunately most women (and all the women I know) have wised up to this.

True. However our situation is that I am an older guy with money while she was a younger woman with less money. I provide financial security for her and in exchange I get a younger woman as my wife. We are both happy with this arrangement. The only drawback is when we meet other people….they think my wife is my daughter. I also agreed to buy a second home in China for my young wife where she can retire comfortably with her relatives after I am gone.