Do you favor one kid over another?

[RunningBum]

This is all kind of odd to me. My parents helped pay for my university education, but ever since then, it hasn't even crossed my mind to ask them for any money. I'm 32. My wife and I saved up our own down payment for the house, bought our own appliances, everything. I just assumed that's how it was supposed to work. I'm fairly certain my brother ( 28 ) has had the same experience, although he finished school with much higher loans than I did. Now that I think about it, I guess it's possible that my parents have helped him out with that, but it's never really occurred to me before. Honestly, I'm happier not knowing. It would just cause hard feelings. I prefer to believe that all of my siblings are going it completely on our own.

I think it would feel weird to accept money from my parents, knowing that I'm supposed to be a full-grown, independent adult. How do you rationalize accepting thousands of dollars from your parents when you're this old? No offense to anyone here, but personally, I think I would get a feeling of failure if I were to find myself in a position of needing help from my parents at this age. They did their job, they raised and educated me. This is the part where I'm supposed to fend for myself, not be an ongoing burden to them. I'm assuming that at some point in the future, I'll be taking care of them as they age, and I'm fine with that. Maybe there'll be a small inheritance at the end of the road, maybe there won't. I'm not counting on that, nor am I counting on them chipping in for my houses or vacations.

That seems pretty judgemental to me.

My folks said they'd rather help us out and see the benefits while they are alive, rather than us getting very little until they died. There's no rule against getting such help anymore than there's a rule that you can't retire early.

However you feel about it is fine, but that doesn't mean you can project your values onto everyone else.

 

[kombat]

That seems pretty judgemental to me.

However you feel about it is fine, but that doesn't mean you can project your values onto everyone else.

You're right of course, and I tried to phrase my comments as diplomatically as I could. I didn't mean to direct them at any specific individuals, but rather present a point of view in which the very premise of the question posed by this thread is questioned.

My folks said they'd rather help us out and see the benefits while they are alive, rather than us getting very little until they died.

That's understandable, but still seems somewhat foreign to me. I'd rather see my parents enjoy their own money. They've worked for it. It's not just a matter of not needing any help and doing fine on my own, it's that I love my parents and would refuse to accept any of their money, regardless of their intentions. If I were forced to cash a cheque from them, I would spend it entirely on airfare visiting them. It's their money. I want them to enjoy it. If there's anything left when they pass on, then that's fine. At that point, I'll accept my share (along with my siblings) guilt-free.

 

[ERD50]

When it comes to money, they are both self sufficient and educated, but the older one is wealthy, so I haven't figured out how to handle inheritance issues. When a child is truly wealthy it introduces all sorts of odd questions.

Ha

Ha, it can take the wisdom of Solomon to try to figure what is fair, but a $5 calculator can tell you what is equal.

If you can't be 'fair' be equal.

I saw a good book on this, can't recall the name, but there are lots of issues. Holding back from a wealthy offspring can be seen as a 'punishment' for success. The rationalization for equal is easy, everyone can understand it. Everything else is subjective.


That said, there can be extenuating circumstances. If one child has a disability, for example, I would hope that the siblings would all agree that their disabled brother/sister's needs comes first. If they don't understand that, well they don't deserve anything anyhow!

There is always charity - I'm guessing you don't really 'owe' them anything at this point. Your decision, of course.

-ERD50

 

[poboy]

As I used to tell my dear mother, when I traveled to and from college I caught a ride of had to hitch hike. Younger brother was taken to the airport and flew. Youngest brother jumped into his red sport car and boogied. Airplane boy, as I called him, had a full ride academic scholarship and boogie boy had a partial academic. I still tell then at least one of us realized the importance of enhancing social skills and the importance of fraternity.

 

[Tekward]

Interesting question. I'm not there yet, my oldest is 20. I'm thinking that I'll probably follow what I've told them "I'll love you forever, but I don't know if I'll like you as an adult - it's your life & choices." I'm kind of a "tough love" practitioner.

I saved the same amount for each of them to go to college (not enough for a full ride - more like seed money) and told them that it is their money if they finish college without spending it (my oldest is in a military academy ) but it's my money if they decide to pursue another path. It is their life and their decisions. I'll act as a safety net or trampoline, but not a hammock.

 

[Rustic23]

We have two kids, DD lives 100 miles away, DS lives 1,500. So it is somewhat impossible to treat them the same. We try, but we obviously see DD than DS.

DW was one of 5 children. Only one of her siblings remained close to home. You can see the grand parents are closer to her and her kids, but none of the rest feel slighted as when we are around plenty of attention is paid.

 

[boilerman]

Geeze, you must have had a pretty good childhood to be seeing inequity only now!

Truth is that growing up, my parents were very fair and gave all 3 kids the same opportunities. It wasn't until we all grew up that the inequities started.

If you feel the situation is unfair, and your parents are mentally competent, and you can communicate with them, then perhaps you should have a discussion with them about it just to explain your feelings. They may not have even considered the situation.

I have spoken to them at length but they mostly deny any favoritism or say that they provide time and support to my brother's family because they need it. That's why my original post, to see how others have dealt with similar situations.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

My first thought was along the lines that perhaps your parents feel the brother needs more help than you do, or have more faith in your ability to make do on your own.

My second thought was that perhaps your brother has given more to your parents, and they're giving more in return.

Lastly, maybe they just like him better.

I dont have more than one kid, and likely never will, so I get to duck this problem.

Seems to me that in all relationships, there are varying levels of like and dislike. While we're like to think that a parent can truly love all their children equally and treat them with an even hand from birth to death...it aint gonna work that way.

"Fair" is a fantasy.

 

[Khan]

Image:Mom Always Liked You Best.gif - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[boilerman]

One thing my sisters and I agree on is that are parents don't treat us equally...we all feel like we are being left out, treated unfairly, or being put upon...of course we all can't be correct.
What happens is we all have our own personalities, abilities, needs and expectations. So if mom and dad pay for a new stove for one sister, depend on another sister to take them to Dr.'s appointments, and spend more 'quality time' with a third sister, is it wrong or unfair? I don't think so. Parents interact with their children as individuals.
I know my parents love us all, that doesn't mean we all have the same needs, desires or expectations. I don't judge my relationship with my parents based on their relationship with my sisters, I simply enjoy the relationship I have with them.

I like what you've said here but I'm still struggling with how to get there.

So even if I see my parents doing things unevenly, I should consider that they are reacting to the individual situation and with each of our lives and needs being unique, to not be bothered by instances of inequities. Hmmm, I'll have to see if I can get that to sink in.

What I need is to remove the idea of "fairness" from my whole mindset. How does one not feel rejected when you see your parents doing so much more for one child versus another?

 

[VaCollector]

My first thought was along the lines that perhaps your parents feel the brother needs more help than you do, or have more faith in your ability to make do on your own.

My second thought was that perhaps your brother has given more to your parents, and they're giving more in return.

Lastly, maybe they just like him better.

Seems to me that in all relationships, there are varying levels of like and dislike. While we're like to think that a parent can truly love all their children equally and treat them with an even hand from birth to death...it aint gonna work that way.

"Fair" is a fantasy.

Agreed....and I think that you have a misplaced sense of entitlement.

Your Mom & Dad could just as well have been giving their time and funds to a charity that you do not care for or agree with.....and I can't help but wonder if the roles were reversed - where THEY needed the help, both physical and/or financial, would you (not YOU specifically - but those in your posiion) be as concerned if your sibling was providing the time and the $$$$?

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

How does one not feel rejected when you see your parents doing so much more for one child versus another?

The same way as when someone other than you gets picked for the promotion or the girl likes another guy better. You work it out and make the best relationships you can out of it, and try not to take it personally.

People arent as virtuous in their relationships as we'd like them to be.

I do want to stress that this may be a good thing rather than unfair. I do know a number of people who fawn more attention on their kids that just cant make do on their own or that they feel will fall down easier than the others. Perhaps the way they're handling this is indicative of their feeling that they dont have to help you or worry about you as much, because you're good on your own.

My wifes parents rent a house out to my wifes brother, and they throw money and time at her sister. Neither is particularly self sufficient. They did nothing of the kind with my wife, who did fine on her own and didnt need the help. My MIL was just telling my wife that she was doing her will and dividing the assets (more like liabilities) among all three kids. My wife said to give all of it to her sister, who is the most helpless, and nothing to her or her brother. She doesnt need it and he's capable of making money, he just spends it all on dumb stuff.

Complicated stuff.

 

[boilerman]

My thoughts exactly!

This is all kind of odd to me. My parents helped pay for my university education, but ever since then, it hasn't even crossed my mind to ask them for any money. I'm 32. My wife and I saved up our own down payment for the house, bought our own appliances, everything. I just assumed that's how it was supposed to work. I'm fairly certain my brother ( 28 ) has had the same experience, although he finished school with much higher loans than I did. Now that I think about it, I guess it's possible that my parents have helped him out with that, but it's never really occurred to me before. Honestly, I'm happier not knowing. It would just cause hard feelings. I prefer to believe that all of my siblings are going it completely on our own.

You and I are of the same mind. I am proud of the fact that since the day of college graduation, my wife and I have worked for everything we have today. Your point "'I'm happier not knowing. It would just cause hard feelings" is what my family situation is all about. I'm trying to get a better understanding from others here to see if I can deal with this better.

So how would you deal with the situation if you learned your brother was getting all kinds of support from your parents?

 

[smj99]

My second thought was that perhaps your brother has given more to your parents, and they're giving more in return.



I think there is a lot of merit in the above comment. While I definitely made sure that all the way through college and just beyond, my sons were treated with a sense of financial equity, things change once they are adults.

One son calls more often, send gifts on all occasions, etc. and always sends sincere thank yous when I send gifts. I thoroughly enjoy giving to him.

The other son rarely calls except on holidays, birthdays, etc. doesn't feel as though gift giving is a two way street and neither he nor his wife seem to think formal thank yous should be expected.

I'm expecting my first grandchild soon and I know that my level of giving will depend a lot on the treatment that I receive from the grandchild, including thank you notes or even enotes.

I don't believe financial equity for adult children should be expected. Once they are grown, the relationship changes.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

I don't believe financial equity for adult children should be expected. Once they are grown, the relationship changes.

Sure does. When I was a screwball troublemaking kid, my dad had just a passing interest in me. Sort of changed when I became a successful 20 year old, and really changed when I became financially independent and retired.

Try working that one out.

 

[W2R]

So how would you deal with the situation if you learned your brother was getting all kinds of support from your parents?

Like a grown-up? You are only dealt one family in life. Whether they are fair or not, that's what you've got. You can't MAKE people change (believe me, they just won't).

Unless you would prefer totally eliminating them from your life, and from your childrens' lives forever, I think it's best to just accept things as they are (fair or not), and get whatever good you can from the relationship.

Any middle ground (other than moving 3000 miles away and making up reasons not to visit) will just lead to bad feelings and misery all around. So, I'd say that a stiff upper lip, kindness, self control, and maturity are in order.

And don't think I don't sympathize. This kind of situation really sux.

 

[boilerman]

My first thought was along the lines that perhaps your parents feel the brother needs more help than you do, or have more faith in your ability to make do on your own.

My second thought was that perhaps your brother has given more to your parents, and they're giving more in return.

Lastly, maybe they just like him better.

I dont have more than one kid, and likely never will, so I get to duck this problem.

Seems to me that in all relationships, there are varying levels of like and dislike. While we're like to think that a parent can truly love all their children equally and treat them with an even hand from birth to death...it aint gonna work that way.

"Fair" is a fantasy.

I think my situation is little of everything you've mentioned. My brother has needed more help, my parents are very confident that I can take care of my family and yes, I suppose it's possible that they may like my brother more than me.

Maybe the answer to my situation is to believe that part of being a mature adult is not expecting "fairness" from my parents at this stage of life. (as an aside, my daughter has a friend who counts how many xmas presents are under the tree for her and her 4 sibling each year and reports the tally daily this time of year. When she's being shorted, she let's everyone know!) As adults, we should understand that parents will treat their kids as individuals with varying needs and who cares if they give more time, energy or financial support to one kid versus another.

Now if I can just get that to sink in...

 

[Moemg]

I'd ignore it .At some point worrying about what your parents do or don't do is just plain silly !

 

[youbet]

I'd rather see my parents enjoy their own money. They've worked for it.

Agreed! My folks are gone now. And DW only has her elderly mom who we help financially, so our days of wondering if siblings were "getting more" than us are long gone. But in years past, when everyone was alive and doing OK financially, a key goal for us was to not need/want money from the folks so that the folks could enjoy it themselves.

 

[toofrugalformycat]

Truth is that growing up, my parents were very fair and gave all 3 kids the same opportunities. It wasn't until we all grew up that the inequities started.
I have spoken to them at length but they mostly deny any favoritism or say that they provide time and support to my brother's family because they need it. That's why my original post, to see how others have dealt with similar situations.

Sorry for my confusion. I experienced inequities before I was an adult, and it took me many years to deal with it successfully. My solution: don't take it personally. Easy to say, hard to do, but I sure do feel better now I've done it.
One of my favorite sayings is, "You're not an adult until you forgive your parents."

 

[Letj]

Here's my two cents. Parents can choose to spend their time and money however they want to even if it may not be fair to their other children. There may be other factors why your parents seem to favor one sibling over another such as, that child being far more caring and kind to their parents and probably generally having a better relationship with them. I can think of many situations in which the shoe is on other foot - sometimes you can have several children and only one child is there to provide help for you in your old age. How about that situation? Should this child then say, well I would not do it because my parents have several children and since they are not pitching in, then I would not do anything for them. Life is not cut and dry.

 

[FinanceDude]

Sorry for my confusion. I experienced inequities before I was an adult, and it took me many years to deal with it successfully. My solution: don't take it personally. Easy to say, hard to do, but I sure do feel better now I've done it.
One of my favorite sayings is, "You're not an adult until you forgive your parents."

So did I, but it was due to internal family dynamics, namely, my mom died, dad remarried two years later and had a child, and their energies were redirected to the "new kid" versus us "old kids".........

 

[bright eyed]

I think my situation is little of everything you've mentioned. My brother has needed more help, my parents are very confident that I can take care of my family and yes, I suppose it's possible that they may like my brother more than me.

Maybe the answer to my situation is to believe that part of being a mature adult is not expecting "fairness" from my parents at this stage of life. (as an aside, my daughter has a friend who counts how many xmas presents are under the tree for her and her 4 sibling each year and reports the tally daily this time of year. When she's being shorted, she let's everyone know!) As adults, we should understand that parents will treat their kids as individuals with varying needs and who cares if they give more time, energy or financial support to one kid versus another.

Now if I can just get that to sink in...

I think you're getting there...

Perhaps you can see it as a vote of confidence from your parents - perhaps you are unaware of the strain, annoyance or burden your parents may be feeling having to help your brother out so much, and at the expense of their other kids? And perhaps you underestimate how much they appreciate not having to worry about you?

If the exchanges are always about "why didn't I get..." or some strain of that discussion, they will be defensive and they won't share their frustrations or other nuanced feelings - just defend themselves.

Equal does not mean the Same...maybe I should make a shirt?

My parent's love all their kids but each of us get different things depending on the kid. My younger sister is getting grad school paid for - I would NEVER ask them to pay for me to go to school again, and I paid for much of my undergrad - My dad always said i was the "cheapest" kid (ie i didn't ask). Both my sisters got cars when they turned 16, I got my mom's 10 year old car when I went to college (the first to go away to school)...and even now my dad is considering buying her a new car and taking her old one because she's been complaining about it!!! If we all kept track of who was getting what - that would definitely get in the way of our relationship as sisters, family etc.

My kids are young - but even now I make sure I DO NOT give them everything equally - I intentionally tell them "your sister got shoes because she needs them now, you don't..." so everyone gets what they need...not the SAME!

 

[Sarah in SC]

Interesting. I have struggled with the inequities for all my life, but have always tried to say, well they lavished all this money on my brother, and look how he turned out!
But it stings, and always will. The only thing you can do is not take your concept of fairness into the family situation.
Like TooFrugal, I've tried to resolve this internally, as the only thing I do know about these situations is that your parents are blind to the inequity. And that they will hotly deny any insinuation of favoritism. Luckily, I have a sister that also shares the not-favorite title with me, so I do have company.
I have the grim recognition that in the future, when my parents need care and probably money, I will be the one to provide it, as n'er do well bro' will be "short". They've given him money to their own detriment. But one thing I can guarantee is that he'll never see a dime out of me.
Being child-free, I don't have the seething anger that my sister feels when her kids are short-changed on time with the grandparents due to brother's kids always needing a free babysitter.
All I can say, boilerman, is that you are not alone in your resentment, but the healthiest thing you can do is let it go. I am still working on that noble goal, with marginal success.

 

[youbet]

Is there such a thing as "reverse apron strings?" Instead of parents unwilling/unable to let the kids go and be independnet, kids are unwilling/unable to let parents go lead their "mature" years however they please?

Is any of the resentment kids feel due to so-called inequality in parental giving because the under-receivers feel their siblings are conning the folks out of time or money? "Damn Sissy, she kisses up to Dad and he gives her more time and money!"

Sometimes there are ethnic driven cultural biases in play. DW's family ethnicity includes a culture of giving the boys preferential treatment. DW was the oldest of four and was expected to be mommy's helper in raising her younger sibs. She always had chores, right through highschool and her brothers didn't. Never was allowed to get a drivers license, brothers did. Went to college against her parents wishes (who will help with the work around the house while you're gone?) and paid her own way through, including huge loans she and I paid off together after marrying. Parents sacrificed much to send brothers to college. Today, her dad is gone, but her elderly mom just assumes her oldest daughter is there to take care of her. She even asks for money from us to give to DW's brothers (who clearly are better off than us)! It's like it's hard wired in......... But.....DW has gotten past it, one brother has been convinced he needs to help his mom too. And life goes on.

One interesting thing about this thread. I'm now wondering, based on some comments DW's oldest brother made, if he doesn't feel that DW is getting too much of mom's attention. You know....... "Gee Sis, Mom always asks you for money, to clean her condo, do her shopping, take her to the doctor, etc, etc.