Do you favor one kid over another?

[donheff]

My parents practiced "even Steven" with my 5 siblings and me and I try to do the same with my two. If my daughter pursues a career that doesn't pay well and continues to live in NYC I will probably spend more on her for travel, vacations, etc so she can join in with us. But I plan to leave them the same portion of the estate at death.

 

[bbbamI]

I'm sorry, I know it hurts.

If you're searching for something good to come out of this, it could be that you've learned a lesson in how to not treat your children.

 

[boilerman]

Like a grown-up? You are only dealt one family in life. Whether they are fair or not, that's what you've got. You can't MAKE people change (believe me, they just won't).

Unless you would prefer totally eliminating them from your life, and from your childrens' lives forever, I think it's best to just accept things as they are (fair or not), and get whatever good you can from the relationship.

I know this is good advice. Now I just need to work on believing it.

 

[boilerman]

I think you're getting there...

Perhaps you can see it as a vote of confidence from your parents - perhaps you are unaware of the strain, annoyance or burden your parents may be feeling having to help your brother out so much, and at the expense of their other kids? And perhaps you underestimate how much they appreciate not having to worry about you?

If the exchanges are always about "why didn't I get..." or some strain of that discussion, they will be defensive and they won't share their frustrations or other nuanced feelings - just defend themselves.

Very insightful and probably true. These thoughts and the others here have given much to think about.

 

[cantlogin]

How to tell you're NOT Mom's favorite:

 

[boilerman]

Interesting. I have struggled with the inequities for all my life, but have always tried to say, well they lavished all this money on my brother, and look how he turned out!
But it stings, and always will. The only thing you can do is not take your concept of fairness into the family situation.
Like TooFrugal, I've tried to resolve this internally, as the only thing I do know about these situations is that your parents are blind to the inequity. And that they will hotly deny any insinuation of favoritism. Luckily, I have a sister that also shares the not-favorite title with me, so I do have company.
I have the grim recognition that in the future, when my parents need care and probably money, I will be the one to provide it, as n'er do well bro' will be "short". They've given him money to their own detriment. But one thing I can guarantee is that he'll never see a dime out of me.
Being child-free, I don't have the seething anger that my sister feels when her kids are short-changed on time with the grandparents due to brother's kids always needing a free babysitter.
All I can say, boilerman, is that you are not alone in your resentment, but the healthiest thing you can do is let it go. I am still working on that noble goal, with marginal success.

Sounds like your situation is very similar to mine.

One of my biggest issues with all this is that my wife and sister/BIL feel much stronger about all this than I do. It hurts me but I am at least 50% of the way towards letting it go, being accepting, etc. The others in the family are not and in fact my sister/BIL have come very close to shutting my parents out of their lives. So my mission is to get myself to a state of acceptance and then to influence the rest of the family.

As much as reading about the experience of others here has helped me, I'm pondering whether showing this thread to the rest of my family might be helpful. Sometimes people will follow the advice of strangers while ignoring those closest to them. Then again, it just might p*ss everyone off...

 

[Caroline]

I paid my way through college and grad school, have worked full time all my life, and generally treat my parents to dinner, etc., rather than the other way around. When they need someone to take them to the doctor, look over papers, or be their executor when they die they immediately assume that I'll be glad to do it. "You won't mind, you're so good at this kind of thing." I do mind, sometimes, but it's also nice to be needed, and they are my parents, after all.

My sister goofed off all her life, is a single mother by choice (got herself a 'sperm donon" instead of a husband), brags about never having worked more than a couple of days a week in her life, drops the kid off 4 days a week and does her laundry at my parents' house, and generally blackmails them for money / cars / etc. using their grandaughter as the bait. In return they lecture her, trust her with nothing, and treat her like she's still sixteen years old.

It's been my observation that when a grown child is getting money from the parents, some form of "payment" is oftentimes extracted.

Yes, my sister gets much more in the way of financial support from my parents than I do.

No, I wouldn't trade.

 

[toofrugalformycat]

So did I, but it was due to internal family dynamics, namely, my mom died, dad remarried two years later and had a child, and their energies were redirected to the "new kid" versus us "old kids".........

I left out the part about my father remarrying. His 2nd wife had a daughter exactly my age, but nicer than me and absolutely gorgeous (I do not suffer fools gladly, and look too much like my dad). It was so ridiculous that it could have been the plot for a sitcom, so it helped me get over it all.
Forgiveness is the most powerful force we humans can wield over ourselves.

 

[boilerman]

Thanks to you all

Thank you to everyone who took time to post your experiences and views.

Although I think it will take some time to put into practice, hearing how others have handled similar family situations has been a big help. Recognizing that as adults, our relationships with our parents change and with that we need to stop thinking as kids and be more accepting of our parent's choices is the key lesson that I have learned.

Even though my parents are making choices that I would not make myself, they did their job well in raising us 3 kids into adulthood and I need to eliminate from my thinking that parents have to continue to treat their adult children "fairly". I might always feel a little hurt when I see inequities within my family, but hopefully I'll be able to take a deep breath and apply my new found wisdom and move on.

I showed this thread to my wife last night and I think it's helped her even more. Reading others people's perspectives, expressed so articulately, is a powerful vehicle for learning. Again, my thanks to you all for helping!

 

[sweetana3]

We know a lovely couple with three boys. They all are in a marriage or committed relationship. Son #1 has a huge amount of money and assets. Wive earns a huge amount also. Son #2 is an environmentalist and travels with wife to whereever with only what they have on their backs. Son #3 is employed in a blue collar job along with girlfriend, living in a one bedroom and they have a new baby.

Now how fair or reasonable is it to give the same amount to each. Better to talk to them all and say over a lifetime, they will be loved equally which may not be in the form of dollars. Help will be given when needed and family is available to all.

It is interesting that the rich wife is the one complaining about fairness while the son is perfectly happy with his parents. Note the kids #1 live a much more lavish lifestyle than the parents.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

my brother & sil insist that mom loved me more but they never noticed that mom kept out more pictures of my brother than she did of me. mom & i were very good friends and i was actually nice while my brother was a mean s.o.b. for most of his life. he and mom butted heads often while mom & i were of similar mind. if anything she loved my brother more, it's just that she liked me better. she never showed favorites though and i believe that in her heart she loved us both so very much that any difference made no difference at all.

i have a cousin who treats her kids very differently and my complaining about that has hurt our relationship. it is embarrassing to be around them while the mother and younger sister denigrate the sibling, who i actually like more than any of them. granted, the kid does not have a high i.q. and tested at 100 when she was very young while the younger sibling is likely in the 130s, but they actually call the older sister stupid to her face and it kills me to see that.

what they don't get is how much nicer the "stupid" one is compared to both of them. she has the most amazing social life. the kids at school love her. when she was only four years old, i drove up to the house. she came running out to the car to greet me. i got out of the car and was about to pick her up. she said "no, don't pick me up, it's not good for your back." this so-called "stupid" four year old not only remembered that i had thrown my back out but she it was more important to her that i be careful then she gets to be picked up. nothing stupid about that.

i tried my best to wake my cousin up early on about treating her children the same but i think that if she ever wakes up later in life that she will awaken to much regret. so it goes.

 

[boilerman]

i have a cousin who treats her kids very differently and my complaining about that has hurt our relationship.

The same has happened in my family. My mother's sister (my aunt) has tried several times to point out the favoritism my parents show my brother's family. My parents just deny it and it has hurt the relationship between my aunt and my mother.

People just see what they want to see...

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

my brother & sil insist that mom loved me more but they never noticed that mom kept out more pictures of my brother than she did of me.

The post office puts out lots of peoples pictures. Doesnt mean that they're the most loved though...

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

brother was such a trouble maker i would not have been surprised to see his photo there too. more public photos of my brother? i told you so; it isn't just mom. the world loves him more.

 

[growing_older]

I feel like my parents more than discharged any obligation to me with a fine childhood and even help with college. Sure there were things that could have been better, but there were also plenty that could have been worse. Now, that all my siblings are adults, there are plenty of inequalities. One sister is quite wealthy, but lives close so there's much more interaction and focus on her and her kids. Other siblings actually still live at home and financial arrangements there are very beneficial. Another sister, like me, moved away and raised a family and like me paid her own way from her own efforts. The time and attention of our parents is not equally distributed and the financial assitance offered by our parents is likewise not equally distributed. I do not believe they are intentionally withhold from any of the siblings, just seem moved to give differently. I don't see anything wrong with that and hope amongst us siblings we can avoid any jealousies or hurt feelings. We are all adults here.

Interestingly, in my parent's generation, there are bad feelings among the siblings (my aunts and uncles) that have simmered for years and jealous factions don't talk to each other over perceived slights from their parents. Maybe it's this example that helps my siblings overlook any inequal treatment and just let it go. Ironically it's the wealthy sister who seems to get favored treatment who is most jealous of anything given to the others. Who knows, maybe the preferential treatment is my parents way to keep her jealousy in control (how jealous can you be if you are favored) and in their own way maintain a sort of peace in our generation. More likely, they are just trying to be generous to all their children and are taking different actions at different times as they see fit, without regard to maintaining any score to insure equality - however one defines it.

I try to treat my children as equitable as I can though they are very different people with very different needs and desires. Will I still try to scrupulously balance when they reach adulthood? I'm not so sure it's possible.

 

[Redbugdave]

Hi Boilerman, I don't quite know how to answer your plea for help, but I will try...

I feel your pain. I also grew up, (and still growing), under unequal circumstances in family life. In fact, mine was very much like your situation. I obsessed over it many years, (like you), but have come to terms over the situation and reached "equlibrium". It has made me fiercely independant. I do not understand why people...parents...can act they way they do and be blind about the whole thing.

I think from the parents view...the most dependant child, (and troublesome), needs the most help. So, most of the energy is lavished on the poor bird. The poor bird is manipulative and quickly learns what strings to pull. In reality...the more help poor bird gets from momma bird, the more dependant and worse off little bird becomes. He may be well off finanicially but is still dependant. Baby bird may inherit the farm, but will piss it away in short order since he has not been taught the proper life skills. Parents don't see what they are doing since they just want to fill a need. They may subconsciencely know-but are in denial.
It's not odd that YOU frequent these RE forums!

Our parents are dysfunctional. That's just the way it is. Not all families are warm and fuzzy. Try not to obsess. You have to work with what you got. Only you can control your environment for happiness. If your folks need your help...they will ask. But, out of sight is out of mind to them. And for you...you don't need to be where you're not wanted. Kind of a self fulfulling dilemma. Just get on with life and raising your family. And this time...it will be done right!

 

[boilerman]

Hi Boilerman, I don't quite know how to answer your plea for help, but I will try...

I think from the parents view...the most dependant child, (and troublesome), needs the most help. So, most of the energy is lavished on the poor bird. The poor bird is manipulative and quickly learns what strings to pull. In reality...the more help poor bird gets from momma bird, the more dependant and worse off little bird becomes.

I'm beginning to think that parents who act this way are faced with a parenting dilemma...supporting the sick bird through adulthood (continuing with your analogy) because that's what a parent naturally does vs. maintaining a sense of fairness to all the baby birds. Maybe the parental instinct to help out an ailing bird in need overwhelms everything else, even if it's at the expense of the all other baby birds (OK now, I've taken the bird thing as far as I can ). By the way, see post #55 above for a pictorial representation!

It's not odd that YOU frequent these RE forums!

Interesting observation...hmmmm. It's all coming together now!

 

[Redbugdave]

Boilerman...That's one reason why I used the bird analogy...the other is I always see things in respect to animals...since critters are what interest me most. If you get a chance...look up a type of bird called the "Cowbird" and see how the baby chicks fit into all of this. Some human families have a baby cowbird in their midst and don't even know it...

 

[haha]

It's been my observation that when a grown child is getting money from the parents, some form of "payment" is oftentimes extracted.

This is so true; I have seen it from the son's POV, and the father's. I and the brother next to me never asked for or got any support beyond university, which was plenty in my opinion. My younger brother and sister got ongoing help. But at the same time, they put in more face time, because they lived nearby and I honestly think that they liked Mom and Dad more than I did. Their kids were the available grandkids; mine were 1000s of miles away. As locals they ought to have gotten more. At the same time they got a lot more "advice", which from my Dad was often enough correct but even more often overbearing and obnoxious.

My own children have been self sufficient at a high level right out of the gate. I am proud of them, I love to spend time with them, but they sure don't need me in any way other than whatever naturally flows from affection and respect. And that I have to cumulatively earn, as I can't whip out my billfold and buy a little.

It is interesting that the rich wife is the one complaining about fairness while the son is perfectly happy with his parents. Note the kids #1 live a much more lavish lifestyle than the parents.

This is no surprise to me. My ex's parents were quite well off and they had 4 children. One son is an extremely successful MD with a lavish lifestyle, one
daughter a banker with a wealthy husband, then our family doing OK but frugal and somewhat constrained, then brother musician who never had 2 nickels. Guess what --all the money and attention went to the rich ones, I think because her parents felt they were buying some association with prestigious lifestyles. The musician's wife was eaten up about this. OTOH, I felt it was fine as I didn't want my MIL and FIL in my life any more than necessary. I think it is possible that wives are more bothered in these situations because they relate to their children's needs as well as their own.

I really have no interest in anyone else's money, unless I could earn it from fees or something. I want mine to be mine, and theirs to be theirs.


Ha

 

[audreyh1]

OK - the bird analogy is broken.

The bird parents do NOT lavish the attention on the most sickly bird. The most sickly bird is the one that does not survive, because the healthier birds compete more successfully for the parents attention and thus get fed more often.

And the cowbird (nest parasite that it is), out competes the other baby birds because it is the one bigger and more demanding than the others.

In fact, I'm not really sure of any situation in nature, other than humans, where the more sickly/needy offspring get more attention. Survival is usually too tight for animals to lavish excess attention on those less fit to survive - simply because things are so tight that there is no excess attention available to be had.

Sorry - just cringing at incorrect biology......

Audrey

 

[Twinkle Toes]

OK - the bird analogy is broken.

The bird parents do NOT lavish the attention on the most sickly bird. The most sickly bird is the one that does not survive, because the healthier birds compete more successfully for the parents attention and thus get fed more often.

And the cowbird (nest parasite that it is), out competes the other baby birds because it is the one bigger and more demanding than the others.

In fact, I'm not really sure of any situation in nature, other than humans, where the more sickly/needy offspring get more attention. Survival is usually too tight for animals to lavish excess attention on those less fit to survive - simply because things are so tight that there is no excess attention available to be had.

Sorry - just cringing at incorrect biology......

Audrey

Some birds lay two eggs, mainly to ensure that at least one will hatch. The first to hatch, if only by a few days, has a size advantage over the younger smaller bird and will kill its nest mate. The parents make no attempt to save the younger bird.

Not all birds operate this way. Many birds take care of all the eggs they lay, and if food is plentiful, they may raise two families each year. There are even documented instances where young birds from the first set of babies will assist the parental birds in feeding the second set of babies. So, even birds find a way to work out family problems!

 

[chris2008]

Proposal for all parents of 2 kids and more:
1) Print this discussion. Read it every 10 years.
Think about how you try to treat your kids fair or equal (both is not the same). Send the discussion to your kids.
Ask them if they believe that you treated them fair or equal.
Be prepared for some surprising answers.
Do not jump into discussions with your kids. You will never convince them that their impression is wrong.
Just take their answers as they are and, if you like, take some corrective measures in terms of time and money.

2) Or just treat the kids as you like because you are aware that they will always be convinced that the other one got the better part.

 

[audreyh1]

Some birds lay two eggs, mainly to ensure that at least one will hatch. The first to hatch, if only by a few days, has a size advantage over the younger smaller bird and will kill its nest mate. The parents make no attempt to save the younger bird.

Not all birds operate this way. Many birds take care of all the eggs they lay, and if food is plentiful, they may raise two families each year. There are even documented instances where young birds from the first set of babies will assist the parental birds in feeding the second set of babies. So, even birds find a way to work out family problems!

Yep - you got your bird biology right!

Audrey

 

[bongo2]

Boilerman – you seem to be handling this very well, so don’t listen to the couple people telling you to be ashamed to want things from your parents.

I’ve seen two families really hurt by this issue, and one was just about torn apart with bitter feelings for many years. As you said in your situation the parents were simply blind to the situation, and in one case it was only when the favored son ran his life into the ground through some personal problems that the other siblings were able to forgive him.

The desire to be accepted by your parents is incredibly basic – like the desire to breathe and eat – and, if you think about it evolutionally, we’d be in quite a mess if it wasn’t. So, don’t feel bad at all about any hurt feelings that you or your sister might have about the situation. BUT, try as hard as you can to let it go. While it is completely natural to feel bitter, it is not going to do you any good. Here’s my suggestion if your parents get to you: laugh. If you and DW can have a good chuckle about how those “goofy parents” of yours are blind to the inequities and think $10 to you is as good as $1000 to your brother, then it just won’t bother you nearly as much. And if you think about it, it is pretty funny.

 

[boilerman]

Boilerman – you seem to be handling this very well, so don’t listen to the couple people telling you to be ashamed to want things from your parents.

I’ve seen two families really hurt by this issue, and one was just about torn apart with bitter feelings for many years. As you said in your situation the parents were simply blind to the situation, and in one case it was only when the favored son ran his life into the ground through some personal problems that the other siblings were able to forgive him.

The desire to be accepted by your parents is incredibly basic – like the desire to breathe and eat – and, if you think about it evolutionally, we’d be in quite a mess if it wasn’t. So, don’t feel bad at all about any hurt feelings that you or your sister might have about the situation. BUT, try as hard as you can to let it go. While it is completely natural to feel bitter, it is not going to do you any good. Here’s my suggestion if your parents get to you: laugh. If you and DW can have a good chuckle about how those “goofy parents” of yours are blind to the inequities and think $10 to you is as good as $1000 to your brother, then it just won’t bother you nearly as much. And if you think about it, it is pretty funny.

Thanks for your encouragement. The real test will come when we're face-to-face with a new situation where my parents show favoritism again for my brother's family. Do we shrug and move on or will all those familiar feelings of hurt and resentment bubble to the surface? I'm hoping that if we feel hurt, that at least it will be short lived and quickly followed by the acceptance and understanding we've developed here.