High cost of Weddings

[SumDay]

My question for the forum is this, What is a reasonable expense for a rehearsal dinner in Chicago, and what is the etiquette for who should be invited?

OMG, my son is getting married, in Chicago, in 2019, so I am following this with great interest. Her parents have NO money, so the bride & groom are paying for it and are budgeting wisely.

I am going to tell them that if they keep the rehearsal dinner reasonable, we will contribute a nice sum for their honeymoon, as our wedding gift.

We'll see how that goes over.

 

[Golden sunsets]

Taxman; We live in a world like yours although the Bride's budget for the day itself was somewhat less, at $75,000. We sponsored the Rehearsal Dinner for what ended up being 92 people and the Sunday brunch for about 100 people. This arrangement is pretty standard in our area. Our total cost for our portion of the weekend in 2016 was about $21,000. The Friday night Rehearsal dinner cost about $8,500 with an open bar and the Sunday brunch cost about $7,500 with a Mimosa bar. The food at each function was quite fancy, although the rehearsal dinner was more of a cocktails and fancy passed ord'ouerves in addition to several stations set up for meat carvings, lobster tails and a taco station. The friday night was at a waterfront restaurant and the Sunday brunch was at a Westin rooftop restaurant, so I don't quite get how you could spend $250/head for the dinner. That seems like a lot per head. In the world of our kids, weddings are a three day affair. Ínvitees for Friday night and Sunday include wedding party, close friends, relatives and all out of town guests, thus the higher number of invitees for the Friday and Sunday affairs. There were a lot of out of town guests at the wedding of our DS. Many of their friends don't live locally and quite a few family came in from out of town. When traveling a long distance, and paying for a hotel for two nights, it is considered customary to host guests for dinner the first night and brunch the day after.

 

[Scuba]

When my daughter got married my wife and I decided on a dollar amount we were comfortable contributing to their marriage. I wrote them a check for that amount and told them how they spent it was up to them. If they needed less for the wedding they could keep the difference, if they needed more that to was theirs. Nowadays with "kids" getting married in their early 30's they've had their chance to establish themselves financially and make their own decisions as to what level of spending is "not to cheap" for their big day.

BTW, I kept 5% in reserve on what I was willing to spend, knowing their would be ancillary expenses my wife would decide on not covered by the two of them (e.g. the wedding shower and some other smaller expenses). I didn't tell my wife this amount was in reserve, I just knew it would wind up costing more somehow.

I like this idea. Gives the couple an incentive to spend wisely.

 

[KM]

Given the budgeted spending level for the wedding, my son and future DIL wanted to let me know that the cost for the rehearsal dinner would be in the neighborhood of $25k! They don't want me to break the bank meeting the required spending level, and they don't want to be embarrassed by me "going cheap".

It’s not uncommon nowadays for family that has traveled long distance to also be invited to the rehearsal dinner. But that decision is generally made by the people footing the bill for the rehearsal dinner.

My daughters MIL paid for the rehearsal dinner (we paid for wedding). She wanted to include everyone who traveled.....but that was her choice. I believe the final count was 40-50 people. I think it cost about $2k-$3k.

We footed the bill for DS rehearsal dinner and helped pay for part of the wedding. We didn’t invite for “out of town” guests, as DIL already had a large immediate family. Rehearsal dinner was around $1200.

My concern isn’t so much cost (you know what you can and can’t afford....) but rather the statement “they don’t want to be embarrassed by me going on the cheap”. Honestly, if either of my kids (or SOs) had ever even vaguely insinuated they would be embarrassed by our not spending more money on THEIR wedding - they would have been told to save up and pay for the event themselves. Maybe it would help them gain perspective.

I’m really hoping you misunderstood them or are only assuming they feel that way.....because if they actually said that, money is the least of the things you should be concerned about.

In any case - good luck!

 

[Pilot2013]

My DD is getting married June 2nd. I have been really stressing about what is looking to be about $25k-$30k for the entire wedding, even here in the South
(Groom's family will get the rehearsal dinner, but small potatoes).

I am feeling much better about the cost of this thing now...

 

[exnavynuke]

I can't comprehend spending that kind of money on an entire wedding, much less a dinner. Perhaps if I had a 8-10 figure investment balance sitting around, such that I was busy donating to charities constantly to come close to spending enough for it to not grow too quickly, then I could see throwing away money like that. For a "normal" family, however, that's just absurd to me. If mega-yachts and private jets aren't comfortably in the budget, spending more than the cost of an average home in the US for a wedding is probably not even close to a responsible use of that money. To each their own however. So while I would never consider spending that, I try not to judge those who do (I'm not very successful, but I try not to...).

 

[capjak]

Our son is getting married in chicagoland this year and we have to plan the rehearsal dinner, with an estimate of around 40 people (Wedding party plus SOs). It will be somewhere nice but not as nice as the wedding ($200/person). I am assuming probably <$4,000. For 100 people, not sure because you will need to rent out an entire restaurant or some other venue which will be pricy.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Our son is getting married in chicagoland this year and we have to plan the rehearsal dinner, with an estimate of around 40 people (Wedding party plus SOs). It will be somewhere nice but not as nice as the wedding ($200/person). I am assuming probably <$4,000. For 100 people, not sure because you will need to rent out an entire restaurant or some other venue which will be pricy.

That’s actually really helpful to the OP—perhaps his DS threw out the $25k figure without any understanding of what a party for 100 would actually cost?

I definitely agree the OP’s son’s demand for the expensive party wasn’t presented well—being that the OP has only sons, it sounds like, wedding costs probably haven’t been on the family’s radar as they might have been had he had three daughters. Always good, like with how college might be funded, who pays fir teens’ car costs, etc., to have discussed way back when if there are limits.

 

[Chuckanut]

https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-budget-who-pays-for-what
https://www.brides.com/story/who-to-invite-rehearsal-dinner-etiquette

I would have grave concerns if DS's fiancee had expectations of a $25k rehersal dinner and a $200k wedding... not our kind of people.

From the list of who pays for what (emphasis added):

Groom's family plans and hosts the rehearsal dinner.

Looks like somebody missed a word or two when they read it.

 

[tb001]

Your figures, and the expectations put on you seem waaayyyy out of line, and presumptuous to me.

Agreed. This is part of the reason I asked how old they were. I can see this coming from a younger couple, who maybe doesn't have any appreciation for how much money this is. If so, a great opportunity for a teachable moment, IMO.

I just can't imagine, as an adult, planning an extravagant wedding, and I don't care what income bracket you're in, this is extravagant, and then asking my parents to foot the bill. I'd be mortified/embarrassed that they even might find out how much we were spending!

FWIW, I think it's interesting how many people still expect to pay for children's wedding expenses. I've seen it mentioned several times that this should be in the retirement budget as a one time expense, like college. IMO, especially as couples are often marrying later in life, this is a very dated notion. I'm in my 40s and while most of my friends have had fairly non-traditional weddings, I can't think of a single case where it was expected that parents pick up the tab. The only time I remember hearing about this was for kids getting married straight out of college.

 

[Texas Proud]

I am with all the other posts on how ridiculous this price that was thrown out seems to be...

I would be very upset at DS if he were the one who said anything about being cheap.... to me that would mean I did not teach him well...

I would also be upset at others who thought it was their business to spend MY money, including DS....


If the other sides wants to go out and spend $200K on a wedding, then they must have the means to kick in some extra for all the other people THEY seem to be inviting to the dinner... I would just say that I do not have the same level of finances they have and look at them..... kinda dry begging

 

[cathy63]

FWIW, I think it's interesting how many people still expect to pay for children's wedding expenses. I've seen it mentioned several times that this should be in the retirement budget as a one time expense, like college. IMO, especially as couples are often marrying later in life, this is a very dated notion. I'm in my 40s and while most of my friends have had fairly non-traditional weddings, I can't think of a single case where it was expected that parents pick up the tab. The only time I remember hearing about this was for kids getting married straight out of college.

It's been 30 years now, but the main reason we let our parents pay for our wedding reception was that they wanted to add people to the guest list. DH and I were totally prepared to pay for it ourselves and have the small party that we could afford. But our parents on both sides really wanted to include all their distant relatives, neighbors, coworkers and friends, and we just decided we didn't object as long as they were willing to pay for it, so we let them.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Between us we have 5 sons. The 2 that are married were given 2k to spend how they wanted. I hosted and cooked my son's rehearsal dinner and we included out of town guests. My parents did something similar for me. I have lived in Chicago and never spent 100/person when eating out. I still go to visit and never spend that much. The OP has seemed to drop the bomb and never came back. If both families are very wealthy I can see this being the norm.

 

[Jeffman52]

The Rehearsal dinner shouldn't be anywhere close to that number. We paid for my DD wedding in November. The wedding cost overall about 20K. We could easily have cut the cost but I only have one daughter so we made it a very very nice wedding.

 

[6miths]

The OP has seemed to drop the bomb and never came back.

The OP only started the thread 18 hours ago and posted a couple of replies to comments within the first couple of hours. I don't think it is expected that folks monitor the thread and respond immediately. Hopefully some have outside interests! I am beginning to suspect that some of the people on the board aren't even retired!! (heaven forbid)

 

[tb001]

I'll just add that I do have some empathy for the son, especially if the OP has the means to pay, but just doesn't want to because it's not what they value. These are tough waters to navigate with new in laws.

I think if the OP has the obvious means to pay (I.e. the $ are a very small % of available funds), this is probably one of those suck it up and do it situations to keep family peace. And the means to pay is assuming this is actually a 75k expense, to be fair to other siblings...

 

[Teacher Terry]

TB: telling someone what you expect them to spend even if it is your own parents is in bad taste. I can't imagine my parents reaction if I had tried to dictate to them what they should do. It would have been better to have had the conversation in private and tell your Dad what the type of dinner that it is you want and then ask if they are willing to contribute.and how much. That way the child is not dictating and can pay for what the father won't if that is important to him and his fiancee. If they can't afford to pay anything then they should be grateful for whatever the Dad decides to do. Anything else is pure spoiled entitlement.

 

[ivinsfan]

I'll just add that I do have some empathy for the son, especially if the OP has the means to pay, but just doesn't want to because it's not what they value. These are tough waters to navigate with new in laws.

I think if the OP has the obvious means to pay (I.e. the $ are a very small % of available funds), this is probably one of those suck it up and do it situations to keep family peace. And the means to pay is assuming this is actually a 75k expense, to be fair to other siblings...

It's not the means or empathy for the son. It's not the son's money. It's ok for the son to explain what the bride's family wants but not okay to warn his parents not to be cheap. Some one grown-up enough to get married should get that concept

 

[exnavynuke]

TB: telling someone what you expect them to spend even if it is your own parents is in bad taste. I can't imagine my parents reaction if I had tried to dictate to them what they should do. It would have been better to have had the conversation in private and tell your Dad what the type of dinner that it is you want and then ask if they are willing to contribute.and how much. That way the child is not dictating and can pay for what the father won't if that is important to him and his fiancee. If they can't afford to pay anything then they should be grateful for whatever the Dad decides to do. Anything else is pure spoiled entitlement.

"Gimme a $25k dinner or you're an embarrassment" is the takeaway I got from the OP, and that's just terrible imo.

 

[6miths]

I'll just add that I do have some empathy for the son, especially if the OP has the means to pay, but just doesn't want to because it's not what they value. These are tough waters to navigate with new in laws.

I think if the OP has the obvious means to pay (I.e. the $ are a very small % of available funds), this is probably one of those suck it up and do it situations to keep family peace. And the means to pay is assuming this is actually a 75k expense, to be fair to other siblings...

I might have some empathy for the son but as others have commented it would be quickly diminished by the cost and 'don't look cheap' comment if that was the message from the son. My empathy would mainly be with son for getting involved with someone who had these expectations. If the son has the money and feels it would be well spent then go ahead. Warren Buffet can buy his children a small country but he is on record expressing that he doesn't feel that this is the way to go. I totally agree with him. I have 4 children none of whom are likely to get to the earning levels that I enjoyed. Regression to the mean is a bee@tch but exists nonetheless. Nothing is going to end a marriage quicker than unrealistic expectations and I don't think that parents should take any role in reinforcing these.

 

[tb001]

Oh, let me be clear, as I said before, I think it's presumptuous and absolutely not ok. I can't imagine putting my parents in this situation. My only point is that I do have empathy for a younger kid trying to navigate the in laws and new fiancée. In the interest of longer term family harmony, if it's not a hardship, and the objections are purely on principle, it may not be worth the longer term damage.

 

[6miths]

We mainly agree. My concern would be more the potential for longer term damage that is done by reinforcing unrealistic expectations. I would certainly not be happy encouraging my children or their spouses in making choices that I don't support and feel could be harmful. Many of us got where we are - FIRE'd and happily married - by leading a LBYM lifestyle even when the Means might be quite substantial.

 

[tb001]

We mainly agree. My concern would be more the potential for longer term damage that is done by reinforcing unrealistic expectations. I would certainly not be happy encouraging my children or their spouses in making choices that I don't support and feel could be harmful. Many of us got where we are - FIRE'd and happily married - by leading a LBYM lifestyle even when the Means might be quite substantial.

Oh I definitely get that and am on the same page. And I can't imagine expecting to spend someone else's money on this sort of thing, but that's just me. We got married in our 40s and I suppose could have afforded the huge extravagant wedding but chose instead to do a small wedding on the beach with immediate family only. It was at a very nice resort, so wasn't cheap, but even with a private dinner, photos and lodging we kept it under 5k.

I have zero interest in a 200k wedding, but I also have zero interest in spending 100k on a car, etc..., but can appreciate living in a nice house in a high COLA. Different priorities...

 

[travelover]

.......... My concern would be more the potential for longer term damage that is done by reinforcing unrealistic expectations.............

For sure - this is only the beginning. If you expect a $25K rehearsal dinner, what would be an acceptable wedding gift - a house or a Ferrari? Nip it in the bud!

 

[HadEnuff]

Taxman, I think this is a great opportunity for you to demonstrate to two young, impressionable people, the power of frugality.

good luck.