High cost of Weddings

[Texas Proud]

Well, reread the OP....

Seems the bride to be and son both talked to dad.... and gave expectations... but also said they did not want to 'break the bank'....

I would just tell both of them together that a rehearsal dinner for 100 people that cost $25K is not in your budget.. that it WILL break the bank.... and you are willing to pay X amount and they can figure out the rest....


BTW, this means you are out of the planning, inviting and execution so in a way it is a win win....

 

[USA]

Family from Columbia and Ecuador? To generalize I’d be researching the cultural aspects of spending when someone marries into a wealthy family that isn’t American. I expect this is a beginning of new experiences to come.

 

[pb4uski]

While it is not much of a dilemma, nonetheless, I'm sure that Taxman and many of us could "afford" to spend $25k.... IOW, if Taxman's net worth is $25k less then I'm guessing that it is a gnat in the whole scheme of things.

The rub is.... it's just not the way that we LBYMers live. The value proposition of spending $25k on a party/celebration isn't in our solar system.... especially when a grand old time can be had for much less.

 

[explanade]

While it is not much of a dilemma, nonetheless, I'm sure that Taxman and many of us could "afford" to spend $25k.... IOW, if Taxman's net worth is $25k less then I'm guessing that it is a gnat in the whole scheme of things.

The rub is.... it's just not the way that we LBYMers live. The value proposition of spending $25k on a party/celebration isn't in our solar system.... especially when a grand old time can be had for much less.

OHOH, instead of spending $5 or 10k on a rehearsal dinner, which is still a considerable sum, the extra $15-20k spent won't compound and be part of the inheritance.

Of course that affects the other kids too.

 

[pb4uski]

I guess it depends on what is more important to you.... relationships while you are living or appreciation after you are below the grass for a juicy inheritance.

 

[travelover]

I guess it depends on what is more important to you.... relationships while you are living or appreciation after you are below the grass for a juicy inheritance.

Not much of a relationship if kids are using guilt to extort money from you, IMHO.

 

[pb4uski]

We don't have enough details to make judgments like that.

 

[Meadbh]

I think this is a question of values. Anyone, other than the ultra-rich, who lives by LBYM values finds this type of spending to be wasteful and outrageous. That is why this thread has generated so much activity.

On the one hand, it’s important to respect the values of the bride’s parents, who apparently come from a different culture. On the other hand, the values of the groom’s parents deserve equal respect. It is not respectful to attempt to browbeat people into overspending that they are not comfortable with.

I have a friend of modest means who was in a similar position. She explained to the assembled family that she simply was unable to match their generosity towards the happy couple, and outlined what she could contribute. Everyone accepted this, and they remain on excellent terms.

Like others, I am concerned that DS has become influenced by his fiancée and her family to the extent that he has bought into their expectations. It seems the lesson of LBYM has evaded him. He needs a reality check. If this is not resolved amicably and respectfully, I fear for the long term outcome of this marriage.

 

[Ally]

It seems very unreasonable to present that to you like that. It seems way too much, unless there is something big I'm missing. I thought rehearsal dinners were for mostly the immediate families.

 

[HarveyS]

Maybe I missed this along the way, if so, I'm sorry.
Is there supposed to be a relationship between rehearsal dinner cost and reception cost? Like many others here, I cannot fathom spending 200K on a wedding or 25k on a dinner. I frankly don't know how you could get to 25k for 100 people without a ton of high end champagne and a band or two. Remember, this is a dinner after the rehearsal, and everyone needs to get home at a decent hour so as not to screw up the big day. It's not a 5 hour affair.
I support inviting the out of town (and in this case country) guests to the RD. But 70 folks coming from South America? Seems high, but maybe that is what the future DIL family/country culture is. If that's the case, the RD should be supportive of your/DS culture.
200k as a wedding budget? OMG. $670/person if 300 are invited? This is a 5 hour affair, so I suppose you could get there if everyone has their own bottle of Dom and Chateau Lafite is served with dinner.
Out of curiosity - how big was the diamond on the engagement ring? When I got married (back in the dark ages) the ring cost about 30% of the wedding+honeymoon.

 

[ivinsfan]

Well, reread the OP....

Seems the bride to be and son both talked to dad.... and gave expectations... but also said they did not want to 'break the bank'....

I would just tell both of them together that a rehearsal dinner for 100 people that cost $25K is not in your budget.. that it WILL break the bank.... and you are willing to pay X amount and they can figure out the rest....


BTW, this means you are out of the planning, inviting and execution so in a way it is a win win....

I think the issue is saying they don't want to break the bank and then warning the OP not to look cheap, means they want the 25K shindig.

 

[Taxman59]

Thanks for the replies. I have been at the beach trying to get a handle on all of this. I have spoken with some dear friends, and we decided that we will give$10k for the dinner. I had always said that I would give each son 10k and a ladder if they would elope, so I guess that means 10k is the number. 25k wouldn't break the bank, but it would be 2 years of vacation funds. From what I have heard and seen, the new in-laws are very wealthy (8 figure wealth and 7 figure income), so the wedding isn't too much for them. I am in the 7 figure wealth (low 7 figure) and no earnings.

Thanks again for the help.

 

[Meadbh]

Taxman, I’m glad you have reached a decision that you can live with.

Quite frankly, if I were faced with this I would be tempted to just invite them over for a barbecue. It would be an American (US) cultural experience for the international guests and I’ll bet everybody would have a great time.

 

[braumeister]

Yes, I think you have settled on a great compromise. Hope it all goes wonderfully!

 

[HadEnuff]

Taxman, I’m glad you have reached a decision that you can live with.

Quite frankly, if I were faced with this I would be tempted to just invite them over for a barbecue. It would be an American (US) cultural experience for the international guests and I’ll bet everybody would have a great time.

Funny you should mention this. When DS married an Australian girl, it posed an issue of what to do with all of the folks from Oz who had traveled to NY State for the wedding. What we did was have a big picnic, with a BBQ, lawn games, lots of beer etc that went on well into the night. (We got lucky with a beautiful October day in Upstate NY)

At the appropriate time, the wedding party, and parents and a few cherished elders slipped away for the actual rehearsal, and then a dinner in a restaurant.
It was great fun, as far as I know nobody's nose was out of joint, although a few Australians were staggering under the weight of the beer and the jet lag.

I like the OP's solution. It is essentially what we did for our kids. Establish our budget, and let them figure it out. An equal amount was also on the table for the "ladder and elopement" option, is so desired.

DW and I have been to three of what I call "Queen for a Day" weddings, where seemingly no expense was spared. I don't know if it is coincidence or an exposure of an underlying flaw, but none of those three marriages lasted 5 years.

 

[HadEnuff]

I think this is a question of values. Anyone, other than the ultra-rich, who lives by LBYM values finds this type of spending to be wasteful and outrageous. That is why this thread has generated so much activity.

On the one hand, it’s important to respect the values of the bride’s parents, who apparently come from a different culture. On the other hand, the values of the groom’s parents deserve equal respect. It is not respectful to attempt to browbeat people into overspending that they are not comfortable with.

I have a friend of modest means who was in a similar position. She explained to the assembled family that she simply was unable to match their generosity towards the happy couple, and outlined what she could contribute. Everyone accepted this, and they remain on excellent terms.

Like others, I am concerned that DS has become influenced by his fiancée and her family to the extent that he has bought into their expectations. It seems the lesson of LBYM has evaded him. He needs a reality check. If this is not resolved amicably and respectfully, I fear for the long term outcome of this marriage.

Great point. The bride and groom will have a couple of obvious challenges, it seems to me. Blending the different cultures from which they came; different countries (heck, different continents), and evidently, different economic means. Getting everyone comfortable with these differences, and accepting the differences is going to be an important step towards a happy and enduring marriage.
I certainly see no point in delaying that process by over-spending at the outset, in an effort to pretend those differences don't exist.

 

[Nemo2]

Great point. The bride and groom will have a couple of obvious challenges, it seems to me. Blending the different cultures from which they came; different countries (heck, different continents), and evidently, different economic means.

One thing they appear to have in common is a penchant for having others pay their fare.

 

[HadEnuff]

One thing they appear to have in common is a penchant for having others pay their fare.

They are young, yet. They are probably like most young people, and have a lot to learn. It's easy to pass judgement on others, especially if they grew up wealthy. My DD was similar at a certain stage of her life. The scale was different, but her reality and mine were just about as far apart.
She's grown up now with 2 kids, and she's a different person.
I have seen the same process played out with two step-daughters, also, each now with their own children.

 

[Nemo2]

if they grew up wealthy.

I just knew that my growing up poor would eventually have its advantages.

 

[Texas Proud]

One of the things I feel sorry about is DS....

He is marrying someone who was in a rich family... if there is little to no help on finances from them he is in a world of hurt.... there is no way he will be able to satisfy his new bride... there is no way they will ever LBYM....


When I was young (early 20s) there was a girl at work who was from a well to do family (not as rich as this) who had HUGE expectations of where they should live and what kind of car to drive etc. etc.... turns out the guy who married her had debt equal to more than 100% of his salary after they got married...... he was spending big money when dating her to try and meet her expectations..... never knew what happened as she was let go from work....

 

[MichaelB]

Thanks for the replies. I have been at the beach trying to get a handle on all of this. I have spoken with some dear friends, and we decided that we will give$10k for the dinner. I had always said that I would give each son 10k and a ladder if they would elope, so I guess that means 10k is the number. 25k wouldn't break the bank, but it would be 2 years of vacation funds. From what I have heard and seen, the new in-laws are very wealthy (8 figure wealth and 7 figure income), so the wedding isn't too much for them. I am in the 7 figure wealth (low 7 figure) and no earnings.

Thanks again for the help.

That sounds sensible, hope it works out for the best. Congratulations for your son’s marriage.

 

[Moemg]

Taxman ,So glad you came to a reasonable decision and Congratulations of your son's wedding .

 

[Bestwifeever]

Taxman, I’m glad you have reached a decision that you can live with.

Quite frankly, if I were faced with this I would be tempted to just invite them over for a barbecue. It would be an American (US) cultural experience for the international guests and I’ll bet everybody would have a great time.

Great idea for people with space for lots of guests and a talent for barbecuing.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Thanks for the replies. I have been at the beach trying to get a handle on all of this. I have spoken with some dear friends, and we decided that we will give$10k for the dinner. I had always said that I would give each son 10k and a ladder if they would elope, so I guess that means 10k is the number. 25k wouldn't break the bank, but it would be 2 years of vacation funds. From what I have heard and seen, the new in-laws are very wealthy (8 figure wealth and 7 figure income), so the wedding isn't too much for them. I am in the 7 figure wealth (low 7 figure) and no earnings.

Thanks again for the help.

I’m sure your DS will be very happy with your generous offer!

Our kids both married people from different cultures. Our lives have been so enriched getting to know their inlaws. I hope the same for you.

 

[HadEnuff]

Great idea for people with space for lots of guests and a talent for barbecuing.

Space and a talent for BBQ are easily rented. You don't actually want to be the BBQer because you want to meet people and enjoy the party.