I haven't made a new friend since high school

[GaryInCO]

Finding friends is tough. I married a fairly anti-social introvert, and over the course of 20 years that (and kids) resulted in us distancing from most of the friends I had. Then in my mid-50's she took a hike (and the kids), and suddenly I didn't have a family to spend time with. Suddenly I was on my own and it sucked. I found a Meetup group for people who enjoy cooking, wine, socializing, etc. That was a lifesaver, and I made some good friends from that group. The group eventually fell apart, but I'm still connected with half a dozen people -- that's almost my only social circle.

People tend to make friends at work or at church. Well I don't do either. I've been self-employed for 30 years, working at home. I haven't attended a church since my sons lost interest.

I used to be in a hiking group and a wine group, but Covid has put a serious damper on that and on most other social activities. Just before Covid hit, I got diagnosed with lymphoma. Fortunately modern treatment drugs are amazingly effective -- but Covid and Cancer is a baaad combination. Turns out people with lymphoma, AND people who are taking the treatment drug I'm on, tend to have near-zero resistance to Covid. AND we don't respond to the vaccine. AND 60s-age men with lymphoma have a 50-60% fatality rate if they catch Covid. Your vaccine protects YOU from getting sick, but you still shed as much virus as an unvaccinated person. So even now, with things getting a little more normal out there, I'm still in serious danger, and I don't know if that will ever change. With Delta, I have to wear a mask any time I'm around other people, so forget the food/drink activities I enjoyed.

So it may be a long time before I manage to join a local pickleball league...

 

[folly]

Trouble Brewing

Your issue has been a thorn in my side for 5 years! My husband and I moved to his hometown to be near his family and his memories of life there. It did not play out the way I thought it would. Family members died, younger ones moved away and brother-in-law has a crazy weird wife, which means no friendship with either one. We built a new house in a remote area. I view it as stuck. My husband is more outgoing than me. He is a old salesman and he can talk to anyone. Sometimes I feel like I am competing with him for a friend. I issue a warning to you, if you follow the same path as me soon you will find yourself as a total loner. Thinking about just getting in the car and driving away, but stay because no place to go! So what do I do? I downloaded the Public Library audio book app to my phone and I listen to books. I see it as someone to talk to. I started projects. Built a kicksled from thrift store skis, and take old dog out on the snow. I try to keep busy. I know people but have no friends. I find it scary.

 

[Amethyst]

I think you have to think about what you want in a friend, and then go do what that kind of person does. Most of the examples in this thread involve people who like to play competitive games; I don't.

Conversation with open-minded people, on a wide variety of topics, without having to jump around out in the sun, or sit indoors staring at cards, is the social activity I enjoy. However, this isn't seen as a primary activity for strangers. Only people already acquainted, get together just to talk.

Thus, I seek venues and activities where talking is a by-product. I can talk to most anybody about most anything. I strike up random conversations wherever: in the gym; gardening in my yard in view of neighbors (can wear a sun hat; don't need to jump around), or (if COVID doesn't wreck it again) church. Even the grocery store. These don't often lead to friendships - but they can, if the random person turns out to be a kindred spirit.

 

[Old Microbiologist]

I do have casual acquaintances in the marina many of whom speak English. I am considered kind of nuts as I will go sailing in any condition and I also ride up using a bosun's chair on our enormous (100 foot) crane to fix stuff at the top of my 9-meter tall mast on my yacht. Our marina used to be a Soviet Sailboat factory prior to the breakup of the Soviet Union. So, we have this ginormous crane at the marina used to take the boats out of the water for winter as the lake (used to) freezes over. I go up at least once a year to lubricate the anemometer and check fittings up there or change bulbs for the anchor light (which I never use but it is required equipment).

Because I was SF in addition to being a rotary and civilian pilot I have a great deal of jump time. I also have a strange personality disorder where I am completely unafraid of almost everything. My only phobia is large crowds which I avoid. I was an amateur giant slalom ski racer back in the late 70's but was too old for any serious competitions and couldn't get any sponsorships. I then got into marathons and when I got too old to be competitive I switched to triathlons and nordic skiing. I also competed in that arena with the biathlon as I was also the commander of a competitive marksmanship (all lab techs but 2 were Olympic medalists) and as a prior marathoner nordic skiing came easily. I also became a senior snowboarder in the NSPS and was certified as snowboarding (Level II) instructor so I could teach candidate patrollers how to ski/snowboard better and run toboggans. In my early years, I was pretty avid as a rock climber/alpinist with quite a few mountains under my belt. In the 80's in Germany I also competed as a mountain bike racer and did okay for my age (I was in my late 30's). I was in the military continuously since the age of 17 until my retirement at age 56. There is plenty of time to "train" as fitness is part of the job and there is always a requirement for an officer who has to command (or be present) when enlisted soldiers are competing. As such, I was a member of the team for all of these various competitions. I have no trouble going off alone for hours at a time as all that training was more or less solitary time. Every one has their own pace and I was always screwing around with trying to change my metabolism and muscle composition as well as anaerobic threshold. That is some seriously rough training and few people have the will to do it. I recall when at Cornell doing my PhD there was a large group of officers getting Master's degrees in Spying (International Relations) and most were combat arms and several were also Special Forces. I was older than most having spent 12 years enlisted before becoming an officer so most looked at me as an old man. At least 3 days a week I would swim 2 miles open water, bicycle 40 km or more and run at least 10km. Sometimes I would only do one and often did all three time depending. I had most of the days off as I couldn't work in the lab during the day. Anyway, one day a serious SF Major decided he wanted to go with me on one of my training sessions. It was in January and the lake had some ice flows on it. It was also a serious stormy day and the waves were at least 5 feet high with big chunks of ice in them. I always wore a wetsuit and we had cycled there aferr a 40 km ride and I changed and jumped in. He followed and quit after 100 meters stating categorically I was insane. He was know to be fearless so I got a reputation from that episode that followed me in my career. For me, it was just another day, perhaps a bit more fun than usual. I love swimming in open water and don't mind it being rough. I was a surfer in my youth in California so am very used to freezing water. In fact, I suffer from "surfer's" ear which is the growth of bone spurs in the ear canal (called osteomas) which cause me trouble if water gets in there I always end up with an ear infection so must wear earplugs all the time when I swim.

So, in answer to when I worked this was considered part of working. I normally worked a 12 hour day anyway and never ate lunch (or breakfast). So, in a sense retirement is a lot easier and I get to work on stuff I like.

My son is a 6th Dan Tae Kwon Do martial artist and when he was 15 he wanted me to join in. I decided it would be imprudent to have my son as a Master so I convinced him that we should learn Kendo. We both worked our way up to 1st Kyu. He still does it in Israel but here in Hungary it is impossible so I do kata practice a few times a month out by the pool.

 

[O2Bfree]

Your issue has been a thorn in my side for 5 years! My husband and I moved to his hometown to be near his family and his memories of life there. It did not play out the way I thought it would. Family members died, younger ones moved away and brother-in-law has a crazy weird wife, which means no friendship with either one. We built a new house in a remote area. I view it as stuck. My husband is more outgoing than me. He is a old salesman and he can talk to anyone. Sometimes I feel like I am competing with him for a friend. I issue a warning to you, if you follow the same path as me soon you will find yourself as a total loner. Thinking about just getting in the car and driving away, but stay because no place to go! So what do I do? I downloaded the Public Library audio book app to my phone and I listen to books. I see it as someone to talk to. I started projects. Built a kicksled from thrift store skis, and take old dog out on the snow. I try to keep busy. I know people but have no friends. I find it scary.

I may be facing this issue. DH has been reminiscing about his youth and wants to move somewhere with a landscape and climate similar to where he grew up. While I'm all for less rain, I've lived here all my life, so friends and family and many of the things I like to do are here. He has fewer connections here since he retired, and pretty much just stays home unless we're out doing something together. If we move, I'd also need to move my 92-year old mom to be near us.

While I have no problem talking to new people, I don't always put the effort into developing new friendships, so like you I'd be in danger of knowing people but having no real friends. Yes, this seems scary, especially as the prospect of age-related problems and the need for a support network increases.

 

[kgtest]

You had me think, when was the last time I met a new 'friend' and I can say I've probably grown apart from more 'friends' then I have made since high school but maybe not.

I use the term freind lightly. I have a few good friends, who I can discuss different things than the casual friends. Finance, relationship issues, personal problems etc. Then I have friends that have things in common, volleyball friends, concert friends, aviation friends, military friends and old co-worker friends.

I hangout with my high school friends most often, and sprinkle in the other groups as I go.

But yeah, my neighbor was the last guy I would consider as a new 'friend' that I can trust with some personal things and we hangout outside neighborhood obligations.

Sometimes making the decision to fill time with friends is a bad one for me, and others its the best decision I made in a long time.

When reconnecting, just be endearing. One thing I feel like that has benefited me, and nobody taught me this it's just my nature, is that I am always interested in learning what other's are interested in...especially of subjects I know nothing about. Its great to find commonality, but even more fun IMHO to meet someone totally opposite and learn and grow with them with fun conversation, new drinks and food, and different perspective. I always try to keep an open-mind, my DW says "to a fault".


I appreciate the afoot comment. My DW can't be in the same room as me, 'staring at each other' as she says. So we have our own spaces we can run to, and are honest with each other when it's becoming an issue.

Sometimes I've just literally drove in my car to a park, or place to hike. I have a few go to places that just me, myself and I can unwind. These usually ground me when things get a little chaotic.

 

[Amethyst]

I am, too, and so are the people I get along with. One trait I consider "endearing" is to have enthusiasms that are varied and strong. (Except religion or politics - if somebody gets going on those, I get going in the other direction!)

When I was younger, this personality trait sometimes created issues, because men, and their wives/girl friends, would get the idea that my interest in their interests, implied a physical interest in them. Which wasn't the case, but it spoiled more than one budding friendship.

In fact, on our last group guided tour, I had a grand time talking with both halves of a couple my age - he was a scientist; she did needlework - but after one very animated dinner conversation, they never sat with us again. I was sure that neither Mr. A. nor I had said anything offensive. My husband said, flatly, without any qualifiers such as "I suspect":
"Margie [the wife] is jealous because Scott [the husband] likes you."

I am always interested in learning what other's are interested in...especially of subjects I know nothing about. Its great to find commonality, but even more fun IMHO to meet someone totally opposite and learn and grow

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

Having spent 40 years in the military where you make and lose friends every move which is roughly every 3 years you don't make permanent friends. I spent 20 of those years doing volunteer work as a ski patroller and also mountain rescue stuff. But, we retired and moved to Europe where nothing of the sort exists and volunteer activities are non-existent.

So, I have a few friends here in Hungary but the vast gulf between being an American and a Hungarian makes it difficult. I spent part of my career as a helicopter pilot and have a Commercial/Instrument license. Locally there was a very large Soviet AFB with MI-24 helicopters and after the collapse of the Soviet Union all of that was disbanded and roughly 10,000 helicopter pilots were without work and almost all live in the area. All speak English well and many are in influential positions so I have flying in common. So, I have a few good friends among that group who I go mountain biking with.

But, mostly I do solitary pursuits. I bought a small yacht and go sailing nearly every day and this is an enormous time suck. We have a large garden/yard plus a swimming pool which takes some time as well. I also piddle about doing electronics/computer projects and got into 3D printing and CAD designing work. My wife has a large circle of friends but all of them live in Russia but she calls them daily and they come here to visit fairly often. We have a few British friends who live locally as well. My wife became a fantastic photographer and is now award-winning for her work. That takes quite a bit of her time as well. She also Day Trades on the American market. We find we actually don't have enough time in the day for all our various hobbies and projects.

Good on you...but man...I need a nap now thinking of all those activities!

 

[Dean56]

How about forming a ROMEO club as you make new friends? I.e. Retired Old Men Eating Out. Everybody has to eat.

I actually saw a ROMEO club while out eating lunch one day. They even had t-shirts made up that had "ROMEO-Retired Old Men Eating Out" printed on them. Those guys were having a great time.

 

[Hans]

I actually saw a ROMEO club while out eating lunch one day. They even had t-shirts made up that had "ROMEO-Retired Old Men Eating Out" printed on them. Those guys were having a great time.

It sounds good in theory, but I found that Romeo Clubs are almost non-existent on the west side of the US (those who attempted to start groups out there mostly never got anything going). And I've heard that the ones that are active (on the east side of the US) mostly started out as circles of friends that already existed before they got listed as Romeo groups.

Bottom line, there's probably only a few of those groups that are active, and if there's an active one in your area, great. Otherwise, you're back to the challenge of finding your own friends and social circle.

Personally, I haven't found any good options. Also, if one is single, that's another layer of challenge (I just posted a thread to specifically discuss that). The pandemic doesn't make things any easier, but things weren't all that easy before that either.

I'm aware of the usual suggestions (volunteering, meetups, taking classes, etc.), but my result so far is that, the older I get, the less I find people who feel that there's enough in common to make a lasting connection. You might see the same people if you keep showing up at the same activity, and that's better than nothing. What's harder is to find people who want to connect outside of that activity or keep in touch after the activity ends (e.g., the end of a class).

The only conclusion I have is to keep rolling the dice, be optimistic, and don't be too surprised if reality doesn't live up to your optimism!

 

[SheitlQueen]

I made quite a few friends at the gun range after retiring. I compete almost every weekend at various competitions. I would highly suggest going out and trying some competitions. It's a great way to get practice and meet new people. During the week I go go classes, the gym, work on the property. There are lots and lots of activities for retirees.

 

[Amethyst]

It has been my experience that I make connections with others, not at designated "meetups," but by being thrown together in purposeful activities. That's why school and work, and sports of all kinds if you enjoy those, are fruitful places for friendship. While you're busy doing the activity, people notice if you're fun, are good at the activity, etc. It just happens.

My experience of joining manufactured groups (e.g. Meetups) to find a kindred spirit, has been dismal. The core is always people who know each other already from before the group.

I made quite a few friends at the gun range after retiring. I compete almost every weekend at various competitions. I would highly suggest going out and trying some competitions. It's a great way to get practice and meet new people. During the week I go go classes, the gym, work on the property. There are lots and lots of activities for retirees.

 

[Major Tom]

In fact, on our last group guided tour, I had a grand time talking with both halves of a couple my age - he was a scientist; she did needlework - but after one very animated dinner conversation, they never sat with us again. I was sure that neither Mr. A. nor I had said anything offensive. My husband said, flatly, without any qualifiers such as "I suspect":
"Margie [the wife] is jealous because Scott [the husband] likes you."

Perhaps the other couple were, at heart, introverts, and found the animation of energetic conversations a bit exhausting? If it was not that, and was what your husband suspected, that is a shame. Obviously, boundaries have to be set within relationships, but it's unfortunate if the line is drawn at an enjoyable and spirited conversation.

Perhaps they preferred their interactions with people outside the relationship to be more formal, stilted, and slightly dull? Their choice, I suppose.

 

[Amethyst]

They told us how much they enjoyed the conversation (they had invited us to sit with them that one time).

Their side was at least as animated as ours.

They were being hypocritical, methinks.

Mr. A's intuition has always been pretty darn accurate.

Perhaps the other couple were, at heart, introverts, and found the animation of energetic conversations a bit exhausting? If it was not that, and was what your husband suspected, that is a shame. Obviously, boundaries have to be set within relationships, but it's unfortunate if the line is drawn at an enjoyable and spirited conversation.

Perhaps they preferred their interactions with people outside the relationship to be more formal, stilted, and slightly dull? Their choice, I suppose.

 

[SomedaySoon]

I was a bit of a workaholic during my pre FIRE days, so I did not have much of a social network. When it became time, my DW and I looked for a brand new 55+ community in the area we wanted to live in. Sold our old home fast and got an apartment close to the new development. While the home was being built we would be there every day and would walk around meeting other people who were also waiting for their house to be built. I made a concious effort to meet and remember other peoples names. Then it became easy to "start" the new wine club, bowling groups, pickleball league, weekly golf outings, or just sitting out by the community pool or firepit. No more mowing the lawn or shoveling the driveway. I understand "to each his own", but in my case it worked out much better than I ever hoped.