I'm a saver, she's a spender

[ivinsfan]

I require more data.

"My GF is super smart, beautiful, has a professional career and is fun." How is she with your kids? You've been together a year; I'm surprised you didn't mention this.

To me, it sounds as if instead of love, you've made this relationship all about money, and how you make so much more than she does. Being beautiful - which you evidently consider so important that you are willing to accept a partner who makes far less money - takes time, effort, and yes, money. For that reason alone, she has a right to expect you to invest in your appearance, too. (You didn't say whether you do take care of your looks, and she is just searching for stuff to pick at, which would be a danger sign).

The quip about the extra appetizer puzzled me. Are you saying you won't let her have one (which would be too stingy for words) or that she thinks you need to have one, even if you aren't hungry (which would be weird)?

Well we might have scared the OP away with our opinions. But I also noticed that he didn't say he loved her. I suspect he feels the relationship is going downhill and listed all her good qualities to convince himself things aren't that bad. The comment about being beautiful was one of many he made about her, so I don't think it's the primary driver.

So she values looking good (which to her means brand names) and he favors function over status. .they like to do things together that are a little pricey and have tried to work out a plan where they share the cost in a fair manner. That's a mature way to do things, but apparently its not working. He still feels he spends too much money on "frivolous" stuff and she thinks he doesn't spend enough money on it. He should break it off, not because she is evil, but he's not in the wrong either.

 

[btdt22]

Do you want a high-maintenance trophy-wife, or someone that love's and respects you? Your call!

 

[MarieIG]

And on top of that, as others have mentioned, Dr. Gottman pigeonholed significant predictors of relationship failure, and contempt is one of them. This is well worth a read because it is spot on:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-fo...cism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Very interesting read. Thanks for posting.

 

[easysurfer]

Well we might have scared the OP away with our opinions. But I also noticed that he didn't say he loved her. I suspect he feels the relationship is going downhill and listed all her good qualities to convince himself things aren't that bad. The comment about being beautiful was one of many he made about her, so I don't think it's the primary driver.

So she values looking good (which to her means brand names) and he favors function over status. .they like to do things together that are a little pricey and have tried to work out a plan where they share the cost in a fair manner. That's a mature way to do things, but apparently its not working. He still feels he spends too much money on "frivolous" stuff and she thinks he doesn't spend enough money on it. He should break it off, not because she is evil, but he's not in the wrong either.

Sounds to me like the OP and his GF are wanting different things. He looks at her as someone to settle down with and she looks at him as someone out for fun. Both try to change each other (which can be a hopeless cause). Him wanting her to be more aware of how she spends and she expressing how "cheap" he is.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

You could try giving her a copy of The Millionaire Next Door and see what she thinks. There is a lot in there on millionaires tending to be cheap dates (museums, sports, spending time with family and friends) and putting money into investments or appreciating assets vs. depreciating consumer goods and status items.

Or here is a short version, 8 key elements of economic success:

8 Key Elements of the Economic Success Equation

Number 5 is being careful to select the right spouse and 8 is "Adopt a balanced lifestyle. Many millionaires are “cheap dates.” It does not take a lot of money to enjoy the company of your family and friends."

 

[Bigdawg]

Run.

+1

 

[Ready]

I think we may have scared the OP off. This thread is getting intense.

Relationships are complicated, and I've learned a long time ago not to give relationship advice, as nobody will ever understand a relationship better than the two people who are in it.

 

[Bigdawg]

OP, realize that some of our female members in this thread are telling you to cut it off.

Ouch!

 

[candrew]

I think we may have scared the OP off. This thread is getting intense.

Relationships are complicated, and I've learned a long time ago not to give relationship advice, as nobody will ever understand a relationship better than the two people who are in it.

In all fairness, the OP opened his post indicating that he wanted advice.

 

[Car-Guy]

Do you want a high-maintenance trophy-wife, or someone that love's and respects you?

Maybe hard to find but I'd prefer all of the above.

 

[Rianne]

This is tough. 32 years ago I fell in love with a very frugal person and I was the spender. I agree, do not get into a relationship thinking you can change the other. I changed because of the love and the long term philosophy of saving that gradually made sense.

've known people who've gone bankrupt from being very comfortable because of an unforeseen event or just misjudging how they were spending (figuring out what is important). Does it make you feel superior to go "first class." I used to look at expensive cars and lavish dining as a sign of success. Now I see a junky car and think that's a millionaire. And look at an expensive car and think debt. I'm still married to that frugal guy. "The Millionaire Next Door" is a great read and based on real life people figuring out what is important.

 

[Amethyst]

I don't think she meant it the way you are thinking.

Ouch!

 

[slv1]

My two cents.

First thoughts. She is your girlfriend. So why are you opening a joint account?
Why does she know how much you make a year? Did you tell her or did she ask? That's a big mistake. She is you girlfriend.

You've been divorced before. I think you are making mistakes. I think A and B both have a story and C is the right one. You gave us your version and want advice based on that so people came out and said run etc.

I think you should get rid of the joint account and stop talking money. I think you should start getting to really know the persons values deep down inside. Like will she be there for you if you get ill. Money is important so that is also something that should be evaluated. She is showing you her behavior. You said she is saving for retirement and basically spending the rest. The gambling is bad no matter what and how she does it unless its like once a year with a preset dollar amount as someone else mentioned.

My basic advice to people who have been divorced if to not get married again. But some feel the need and that's fine but I would say don't do it quickly and have a prenup.

My first instinct from what I read from you was for you to run. But not just because of her actions. Because of your actions as well.

If you like ramon and kmart and she like nordstroms and high end rest. you are going to have a problem.

As far as the jokes she makes, I don't think she is the only one. I think you criticize her ways because you are uncomfortable with them and she does it back.

My suggestion is you just enjoy the ride and see where it goes. Make some personal changes in your behavior and let her know you don't like what she says to you. Acknowledge what you do to her.
Get rid of the joint account. It's cheezy. Don't be that guy. She is not your wife. If you were married you could have a joint account based on a budget.
I don't know if you live together (that was a mistake) but if you do then share equally the bills like heat, rent lights. unless the rent is too high then pay your share or move to a place that she too can afford.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Hi. Just looking for some practical advice. I'm divorced, two kids, and I've had a girlfriend for nearly a year. My GF is super smart, beautiful, has a professional career and is fun. But she's a spender at heart. She has her retirement savings on auto pilot, budgets to pay off her home repairs, and pays an extra $100/month on her mortgage principal, so that part's great. But she impulse buys online frequently and likes to go to casinos with the rest. I have no issue with any of that. My issue is how she treats my more frugal habits. My AGI is probably 5x hers, so we agreed on starting a joint account where I'd put in the lion's share, and she'd put in a little bit, and we'd use that for joint expenses like eating out, travel, etc. So far it's worked out pretty well as far as sticking to the budget we've agreed upon. My issue is that I feel she's constantly making snippy comments about me being "cheap", dressing like cr*p, not caring enough about brand names, not being impulsive ("spontaneous") enough, etc. The comments are really getting to me, given that my cost of living is way higher than hers, that I pay for almost everything we do as a couple, and that I value the security of a big nest egg way more than the fleeting joy of more stuff, or an extra appetizer. Any advice here? I've tried to address this before, but it seems to keep happening.

Ah, advice being solicited! Read the bolded part above out loud to her and see how she reacts. If she doesn't even want to hear it, there's your answer.

She sounds pretty financially independent in planning for her own future, she has a professional career, and you say she is contributing to the day-to-day expenses and following the budget as you and she agreed upon. IMO she doesn't seem to be a gold-digger, and her extravagances aren't that over the top and are her own concern if they are not coming out of your joint account.

I agree strongly with the above that the snippy comments are a problem but perhaps she isn't aware of how they sound? I don't think people are likely to change at this point--but if you care for her perhaps you could both try to move toward the middle a bit in the nonfinancial area, you in being a bit more spontaneous and fun, and she in being a lot more respectful of your feelings.

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

I personally would not be interested in someone with a complaint about "not caring enough about brand names". It is more important for me to fund my own retirement than Ralph Lauren's.

I dont know about Ole Ralphie Lauren, but Tommy Hilfiger's daughter had a TV show. Talk about excess wealth, it was like fantasy land. And her friends that had less famous names but equally rich(er?) fathers were obscenely wealthy.

 

[Walt34]

Hi. Just looking for some practical advice. I'm divorced, two kids, and I've had a girlfriend for nearly a year. My GF is super smart, beautiful, has a professional career and is fun. But she's a spender at heart.

It won't get any better, any minute now Walt will come along and give you a real life example of that.

Nice to know someone's been reading my posts!

RenoJay, if you marry her, you will get divorced. It will be an expensive divorce. And when the dust settles on the divorce, you will be poor or very close to it. I can predict this because I was married to someone who behaved in a very similar manner. To my knowledge she had never been to a casino but that was about the only difference.

My younger sister summed it up in one sentence: "Opposites attract but they can't live with each other." Now, there are occasional exceptions to that but they are rare.

You asked for advice, and it has been freely given. You got good advice from folks who got their learning from that most valued (and often most expensive) institution, The School Of Hard Knocks.

Do yourself an her a big favor and have a heart-to-heart talk about this. It will be painful for both of you, no question. But in the long run it will save both of you a lot of grief.

 

[haha]

Also, if you want to continue dating, freeze some semen and get a vasectomy and insist on using condoms until you get the green light from your urologist. If she has a "professional career" and you make 5 times her salary, realize that you are a target. Not necessarily in her eyes, but just generally. There was an interesting article in WSJ near the beginning of summer, about a group of single men and married men whose wives would out in the Hamptons all summer and they would be left in the City working. They hired a urologist to do a group vasectomy festival, to avoid both mishaps and predation.

Ha

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

Also, if you want to continue dating, freeze some semen and get a vasectomy and insist on using condoms until you get the green light from your urologist. If she has a "professional career" and you make 5 times her salary, realize that you are a target. Not necessarily in her eyes, but just generally. There was an interesting article in WSJ near the beginning of summer, about a group of single men and married men whose wives would out in the Hamptons all summer and they would be left in the City working. They hired a urologist to do a group vasectomy festival, to avoid both mishaps and predation.

Ha

Hahahah. I remember reading something about that. Too funny.

 

[W2R]

Run.

+1

At least, do not even THINK of marrying her and dissolve that joint bank account NOW. Just go to cheaper places on your dates, where she can afford to pay her share.

You could just eternally "go steady" like Frank and I do. We don't mix our money or buy things together. We don't live together. We each pay half (or our share, for example the cost of one's own individual meal) when we go out. As a result, we never argue about money. We try not to criticize one another's spending since really it is not our business - - no shared money.

We only see one another when we both feel like it. Right now, that is several hours each day. If he started making snippy comments, like your GF is doing, at some point I would not feel like seeing him so often or for as long.

 

[Sunset]

Get rid of that joint account.
If she is living with you, understand the common law rules in your State, as in some places, living common-law (like a husband and wife) entitles her to a good chunk of your savings and maybe 1/2 the house too

 

[healthyandfun]

Late to the party here, but the issue seems to be her repeated snippy comments that relate to status/spending. This shows no respect on her part. The OP says he has tried to address this and nothing has changed. My advice is to move on and find a woman that appreciates you with values that are similar.

 

[aja8888]

Another compatible woman is not hard to find seeing that there are:

Around 49.6 percent of the world's population is female, with a total female population of 3,710,295,643.

 

[haha]

Another compatible woman is not hard to find seeing that there are:

Around 49.6 percent of the world's population is female, with a total female population of 3,710,295,643.

Drawing in a bit, no shortage of the ladies in Reno area either.


Reno NV Demographics data with population from census

Ha

 

[ivinsfan]

Get rid of that joint account.
If she is living with you, understand the common law rules in your State, as in some places, living common-law (like a husband and wife) entitles her to a good chunk of your savings and maybe 1/2 the house too

The OP said his GF paid an extra 100 a month on her house payment, I don't think they live together.

I think the OP disappeared to "consider" our comments

 

[WeedWatcher]

OP: you may be more satisfied if you develop a relationship with a woman whose earnings are more comparable to yours.

While some of her comments sound a bit disrespectful, you come across to me as a bit controlling.