Cremation or Traditional

[athena53]

When the bench was ready almost one year to the day after he died, I found myself utterly unable to send his ashes over there. I hadn't expected to have such strong feelings when faced with it (we are pretty practical folk), but it was just one separation too many. So the bench is there, and when I go, we will travel the last mile together, as it should be.

You never know how you'll react when the loss happens. I'm glad you trusted your heart. I'll always want at least some of DH's ashes around. Right now the ones I haven't scattered are in the cheapie plastic box from the mortuary, wrapped up in one of his old flannel shirts.

 

[wyecrabber1]

Youngest son was 24 when he died in an auto accident -- we had his body cremated and the the ashes were kept in a container in his backpack in his bedroom. Six months after the accident, my wife was diagnosed with occult breast cancer, stage three. With surgeries, chemo and radiation she fought a brave battle for eight years -- I would not wish her last three years on my worst enemy -- she was an amazing women. She was cremated and I spread their ashes together over Tangier sound. I have a beautiful view of the sunsets over the sound from our condo.

I remarried a few years after she died. When my time comes, the instructions are to be cremated and spread my ashes over the same body of water. I don't need a service or obit. I will be in a better place. I can only imagine...

 

[Sue J]

I've told DH and our sons that I want to be cremated. They may keep me around in an urn if they feel the need but eventually I want to be placed in our local river. It's a long curving river and I've always lived nearby it, but in different areas. It empties into Lake Erie and eventually it all connects to the Atlantic and beyond.

I've also made it clear that I strongly believe in organ donation and that they should donate anything usable.

My parents are buried in adjacent plots with a joint headstone. It's nice and I've visited a few times. I don't know what the plots cost when they bought them but I do know that between their two simple funerals, the service, transportation, stone purchase and engraving, stone moving, vaults, perpetual care, etc, etc, etc it was $25,000. And that includes pine box "kosher" caskets that were only $700 each. It's what they wanted and they had the money.

I don't want to be buried, it just doesn't make sense to me to take up a plot of ground, forever.

 

[street]

Some very interesting life story's and the input is very helpful in what I would like to do.

 

[meierlde]

One advantage of direct cremation is that any memorial service can be more flexibly scheduled to allow out of towners to make it with easier travel arrangements. (Doesn't have to be done to the tight schedule for burial). Further you can decide if the ashes need to or don't need to be present at the memorial.

 

[googily]

You never know how you'll react when the loss happens. I'm glad you trusted your heart. I'll always want at least some of DH's ashes around. Right now the ones I haven't scattered are in the cheapie plastic box from the mortuary, wrapped up in one of his old flannel shirts.

That's lovely. There really is no right or wrong on this.

 

[athena53]

One advantage of direct cremation is that any memorial service can be more flexibly scheduled to allow out of towners to make it with easier travel arrangements. (Doesn't have to be done to the tight schedule for burial). Further you can decide if the ashes need to or don't need to be present at the memorial.

Yes- that was a real blessing. DS and DDIL lived 3 hours away and DDIL was due to have a baby in late November. DH died November 15. I scheduled the funeral for December 10 and then realized that EVERYTHING had to go right in order for DS and DDIL to be there. I moved it to early January. The baby was born November 29 but DDIL developed a superficial thrombosis and needed to inject herself with some med every day for a few weeks. I was VERY glad that they had time to deal with that and settle in with the new baby. I'd already told my siblings, all in NC and SC, not to come out to the Midwest for the funeral- we'd seen them at Mom's funeral a few months before and they'd been very kind to DH and had had time to say their goodbyes and that was enough.

The funeral was held as scheduled, DS, DDIL and the granddaughters were there and it was wonderful. I was really glad no one flew in from NC/SC because the weather got bad and I suspect they would have had a mess getting home.

 

[Nemo2]

As noted before, I've instructed DW to double bag me and drag me to the curb for pick up on heavy garbage day.

Dead is dead.

 

[Dtail]

As noted before, I've instructed DW to double bag me and drag me to the curb for pick up on heavy garbage day.

Dead is dead.

Wouldn't LBYM dictate only a single bag?

 

[braumeister]

My parents were very practical folks. When Dad was near the end I asked him what he wanted and he said "Why should I care?"

But I pressed him and he finally told me to scatter his ashes over his favorite fishing area in Jamaica Bay (New York City).

When Mom was near the end we went through the same drill and she finally said she'd like her ashes in the same place.

So they both had direct cremation with no service, since all their friends and most relatives were long gone.

I think that's sensible, and I want direct cremation also. I've mentioned a few options for what might be done with my ashes but left it up to DW to decide what makes her happy.

 

[Marita40]

There’s a new option here for “green” burial and when I read about it I immediately thought it makes complete sense to me and something I might choose. No embalming and no coffin at all. The body is simply wrapped in a biodegradable shroud and placed in the ground. Simple and natural.

I will definitely have a Catholic funeral Mass with incense and good music.

 

[MuirWannabe]

Religious beliefs prevent cremation, but after reading in detail about it I don't think I would be interested. It just seems (just my opinion) disrespectful of the body.

After my husband died I purchased the plot next to him. Burial wishes are at my attorneys along with my will, and my sister also has a copy.

It's wise to let your relatives know what your desire is for burial, or lack of. It's difficult for them to try to figure out your preferences once you are gone and you gave them no indication of what you would like.

Matches my beliefs very closely. I don’t need an expensive funeral and burial. Hopefully, cost can be managed. But we want a burial in accordance with what we think matches our biblical understandings regarding respect for the body.

 

[bbbamI]

As noted before, I've instructed DW to double bag me and drag me to the curb for pick up on heavy garbage day.

Dead is dead.

Wouldn't LBYM dictate only a single bag?

Only one bag would require a dryer sheet I think....


As for me, I'm not sure what I want. I do know I won't argue when the time comes.

 

[Mdlerth]

Wouldn't LBYM dictate only a single bag?

I think you mean DBYM.

 

[Mdlerth]

This death brought to you by Bree Heating & Plumbing, Inc

I told DW to have me cremated because it's cheaper than a casket. The less she spends on the funeral, the more she can spend on the wake!

We visited the graveyard where DW's parents are buried. I couldn't help noticing that one nearby, recent-looking tombstone bore an ad for an HVAC company on the back side. How awesome is that? Eternal corporate sponsorship! Turn your demise into profit! Gotta love it.

 

[googily]

I am a big, um, fan, as it were, of waiting to do the memorial service. With DH, I was so crazed from nine months of his illness that I knew there was no way I could pull together something fitting for him within a few days. It was held just a smidge more than two months after he died, and we created a wonderful event, full of laughter and love and friendship. Wouldn't have been anything close to that if I had tried to do it within a week after he died.

 

[aja8888]

There’s a new option here for “green” burial and when I read about it I immediately thought it makes complete sense to me and something I might choose. No embalming and no coffin at all. The body is simply wrapped in a biodegradable shroud and placed in the ground. Simple and natural.

I will definitely have a Catholic funeral Mass with incense and good music.

When one of my friends passed two years ago, he was Jewish, and the burial was traditional with no embalming that consisted of burial in a simple wooden coffin. Friends and family at the cemetery were asked to participate in pacing a shovel full of earth on the closed coffin after it was placed in the grave site. That's pretty green in itself. Nothing new.

 

[rodi]

One advantage of direct cremation is that any memorial service can be more flexibly scheduled to allow out of towners to make it with easier travel arrangements. (Doesn't have to be done to the tight schedule for burial). Further you can decide if the ashes need to or don't need to be present at the memorial.

This. When my dad passed - his body was donated to the local medical school... and we scheduled his memorial around my brother's chemo schedule... he couldn't travel, due to suppressed immune system, too close to receiving chemo. We scheduled Dad's memorial for a window when I could fly out to escort my brother (dying of cancer) to attend the memorial. (My sister escorted him back.) Having that flexibility allowed my brother to have closure with my dad's death - prior to dying himself a few months later. (They died 2 months apart... it was a rough year.)

My brother, 2 months later, wanted to be buried in 'high country' in the Rockies. Since everyone else in the family had done the medical school thing we had a learning curve. I found a cemetery in Estes Park.

Now a DyingBYM thing... My brother didn't have a lot of assets when he died... His wishes were a 'plain pine box buried in high country'. My sister, when looking through the casket catalog , accidentally found the 'cremation caskets'.... these are less fancy since they are designed to be burned up. The price was about 5 times cheaper for the plain pine box. She asked if there were any legalities about using a cremation casket for a burial.... turned out there was no probem... so his estate saved about $2k. Since he was leaving his estate to his church - we felt good about increasing their small inheritance since his church community had been there for him as he went through cancer treatments, etc. And my sister and I had gotten to know his church family well during my brother's last months.

 

[gayl]

I'm Jewish so it's a plain pine box for me

 

[lesjrp]

Wouldn't LBYM dictate only a single bag?

The Final question.

Paper or plastic?

 

[mamadogmamacat]

I vote paper, although at the grocery store it is usually plastic, as I re-use for litter box cleanup

For my final journey:
Cremation
Mass of the Resurrection, which as others have said is really for the living
then burial in a biodegradable paper box in a cemetery near a local monastery

Thanks for starting this thread. Hopefully, it will motivate me to finish planning the readings and music

 

[Scuba]

DH has written instructions for cremation then half the ashes spread in the Pacific and half in the Atlantic.

I've filled out forms to have my body donated to the local medical school. That's my family's tradition - mom, dad, maternal grandparents were all donated to UCSD med school. Our family was never big on casket funerals - preferring a memorial service... so this works for us. My husband's family thinks I am very weird for continuing this. But I won't need the body anymore - and if a med student can learn something by using me as a cadaver... great! My understanding is the body, once used, is cremated. That's ok too.

I remember my parents and grandparents in so many ways - don't need a gravesite to visit.

I like the donate to science idea a lot. Will have to check out local options. I’m an organ donor on my driver’s license but donating my entire body is a great idea, followed by cremation.

 

[LOL!]

Cremation:

 

[mountainsoft]

My wife and I both want to be buried traditionally. We chose our grave sites in a small local cemetery a couple years ago. They offer natural burial options, either a simple "wrap" of some kind, or simple wood coffins that biodegrade easily. They dig the hole, stick you in it, and cover you up. They add dirt to the top as the body decomposes and the earth settles, and finally plant grass on top. I keep meaning to have our gravestone made ahead of time so we can both see it before we die, then they can come out and etch the death dates after we die.


My father-in-law was cremated. He wanted his ashes to be spread in an area he visited frequently when he was younger. Of course, that area is now private property covered with homes. So, my mother-in-law still has his ashes in a box in her closet. She wants to be buried traditionally, so the thinking now is that we'll put his ashes in her casket when she dies.


Funerals are depressing. If my family insists on doing anything, I would prefer a simple grave site service once I'm already buried. Of course, I'll be gone so they can do whatever they want. It's not for me anyway, it's for them. Maybe they'll hold a party, "yahoo, he's finally gone".

 

[googily]

I like the donate to science idea a lot. Will have to check out local options. I’m an organ donor on my driver’s license but donating my entire body is a great idea, followed by cremation.

Does/Can the family get the cremated remains (I can't in good conscience use the word "cremains," sounds too much like "Craisins")?