Tough dinner conversation with adult live-in daughter

[ratface]

Just finished a rather unpleasant conversation with my 26 y/o daughter at the dinner table, she got up and tossed her food away and left the table crying. I'm heartbroken. We live in Illinois. Positivity rate is just above 5% and climbing everyday. It's evident things are getting worse. Our mayor was on TV yesterday begging folks to wear masks and wash hands. Information was presented about how most folks are getting infected by family members at home. My wife and I are in relatively good health at 61 and 62. Both my wife and daughter are school teachers to young children and currently work outside the home. I'm retired. We accept the circumstances given the precautions in place at the schools. My daughter attended an outdoor bonfire with peers over the weekend. I voiced concern. This coming weekend she is planning a wine tasting with a small group of friends. Again, I voiced concern citing the sharing of glassware/wine in a group setting. She is also planning on attending an upcoming Halloween party. Again I relayed my concern. She says it's unfair and has to live her life and I argue that we have to hunker down for the next 6 months and protect each other. My heart breaks for her but feel her plans are endangering our family. I cannot get the gravity of the situation across to her. Has anyone else had this conversation with an adult child living at home and have any thoughts on how to best approach it.

 

[Another Reader]

At 26, I would tell her that it's time to move out of my house if she can't follow some basic, common sense safety rules. In the meantime, I would do what I could to isolate myself and my spouse from contact with her. Let her eat in her bedroom and keep to her own bathroom until this is resolved. This is not about fairness and she's not 14. It's about protecting her parents and herself from a deadly disease.

 

[MuirWannabe]

I certainly understand her viewpoint. And I share it. But she’s under your roof...so your rules. Probably best for her to get out on her own, quickly.

 

[Aerides]

Since your daughter appears to be a full-time employed 26 year old, she should certainly be planning to move out given her desire to "live her life." This is one of those can't have your cake and eat it things.

But I know that's easier said than done. It's very easy for us to "should" this answer, but entirely another for you to decide what's best for your family.

 

[Buckeye]

Better to be having this conversation now than be lying in a bed in the ICU wishing you had had this conversation.

 

[CRLLS]

I agree with your concern and applaud you for discussing this with her, over and over and over again. I assume that your wife an you are presenting a unified front. I have no recommendations to you. It is a difficult situation with no good answers no matter what you decide.

 

[ratface]

She is on track to move out next year. Unfortunately a four year degree in education pays very little and Chicago is expensive. She is a hard worker and just started a new job that pays a little more. It was much easier to find an affordable apartment 40 years ago when I was younger. Many of her contemporaries are still living at home and that is why I posted, this must be a more common occurrence in todays environment. A pandemic changes the dynamics quite a bit. I am hopeful we can all overcome fears and find a solution until she is able to live independently. We see the pandemic from two opposite perspectives, I can empathize, Perhaps we can both gain some insight in the days to come.

 

[street]

To answer your question I have also added my two cent of advise to my son when I talk to him. He doesn't live at home with us but to use all PPE that we can each day is very important.
I feel your talking to her about it will have some effects and she will hear the voices that you have told her. I don't beleive you can stop her from doing her events but like the other have said you may want to inform her again that you and your wife do not want to get the virus from her.
It is a touchy subject and to just kick her out could be a life time error in that decision. There needs to be a mutual agreement that you folks are not exposed if she lives under your roof.

 

[Buckeye]

Ask her the do-over question. Ask her if it turned out you got covid-19 from her going to the Halloween party, would she wish that she had not gone to the party. If she would regret going to the party 'knowing' the outcome, then she can take her do-over now and not go. If she says it would still be worth it to spend time with her friends and celebrate even 'knowing' the outcome, then she should go.

 

[gerntz]

I certainly understand her viewpoint. And I share it. But she’s under your roof...so your rules. Probably best for her to get out on her own, quickly.

I don't care about her viewpoint. I don't understand her irresponsibility. She's not a child except possibly emotionally.

 

[rodi]

What a tough situation.

I don't have advice but I can tell you (right or wrong) what I do. I have a 17 year old and 19 year old under roof... young (and dependent) enough that I can issue edicts. Both have broached attending "socially distanced parties". I tend to ask a lot of pointed questions (will you be wearing a mask? will everyone else be wearing a mask? will there be physical distance? will it be outside? will there be drugs or alcohol? can you trust your friends to follow the rules?) Usually, after the talk, they decide their friends are idiots who won't wear masks and it's not worth it. I've gotten lucky so far and haven't had to outright forbid them going out. They have met up with friends in smaller groups, outside. Older son going trail running with a buddy, younger son going surfing with a small group, driving separately....

 

[JustCurious]

I agree with your daughter, I think you are being unfair. I think it's a mistake for you to allow this issue to cause a problem with her living her life. At the end of the day it's your house and you can make whatever rules you want, but I think it would be a mistake that you will regret.

 

[ratface]

Yes I realize this can hurt the relationship. I'm here to use the forums as a sounding board for my viewpoint and so encourage dissenting opinions. I always find intelligence here. I also anticipate the Board will be skewed in my favor given the demographics of a retirement community thus peaking my interest in arguments favorable to her point of view?

 

[JustCurious]

You are wise to realize that this board skews towards an older demographic and the majority will likely agree with you, but that does not mean that all agree, or that most younger people will agree, or that either view is right or wrong. On this issue I think reasonable minds can disagree, and neither side is right or wrong, there are simply different opinions. I do not agree and I doubt your daughter will agree regardless of how many times you "explain" your view to her...I don't think she thinks you're being unfair because she doesn't understand, she understands, she just doesn't agree.

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

I agree with your daughter, I think you are being unfair. I think it's a mistake for you to allow this issue to cause a problem with her living her life. At the end of the day it's your house and you can make whatever rules you want, but I think it would be a mistake that you will regret.

Umm, seriously? I was waiting to find the humorous ending to your post, but it never came. Can you explicate in what way you think it would be a mistake, and how it could possibly be "unfair"?

 

[tmm99]

At 26, I would tell her that it's time to move out of my house if she can't follow some basic, common sense safety rules. In the meantime, I would do what I could to isolate myself and my spouse from contact with her. Let her eat in her bedroom and keep to her own bathroom until this is resolved. This is not about fairness and she's not 14. It's about protecting her parents and herself from a deadly disease.

+1.

She's 26 and acting the way she is?? Does she realize that she could kill both you and your wife by her not being careful?

Here is one of the possible consequences. (A 21-year old goes to a party, comes home and infects his whole family and his dad is on a ventilator and with a huge medical bill.) "Michelle Zymet said she had pleaded with her son not to go out. "The younger generation, they just don't get it," she said. "We are trying to open everyone’s eyes."

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?...22A9F5D47FDC65360E6E22A9F5D47FDC653&FORM=VIRE

I don't mean to scare you, but this virus IS scary.
And what if your daughter ends up putting you in the hospital? Could she handle/live with the guilt? I think you should do whatever is necessary to keep you and your spouse safe, and for her sake as well.

 

[eroscott]

Just finished a rather unpleasant conversation with my 26 y/o daughter at the dinner table, she got up and tossed her food away and left the table crying. I'm heartbroken. We live in Illinois. Positivity rate is just above 5% and climbing everyday. It's evident things are getting worse. Our mayor was on TV yesterday begging folks to wear masks and wash hands. Information was presented about how most folks are getting infected by family members at home. My wife and I are in relatively good health at 61 and 62. Both my wife and daughter are school teachers to young children and currently work outside the home. I'm retired. We accept the circumstances given the precautions in place at the schools. My daughter attended an outdoor bonfire with peers over the weekend. I voiced concern. This coming weekend she is planning a wine tasting with a small group of friends. Again, I voiced concern citing the sharing of glassware/wine in a group setting. She is also planning on attending an upcoming Halloween party. Again I relayed my concern. She says it's unfair and has to live her life and I argue that we have to hunker down for the next 6 months and protect each other. My heart breaks for her but feel her plans are endangering our family. I cannot get the gravity of the situation across to her. Has anyone else had this conversation with an adult child living at home and have any thoughts on how to best approach it.

I have an adult [kid] living at home who is saving aggressively for a townhouse. I live in Chicagoland as well. IL is in the top 5 states for new cases all the time.

She is endangering both your lives and maybe if the virus doesn't kill you or your wife it will just permanently damage some of your organs with the lungs being the most common one. Those are life-changing issues.

She is in your house. 100% your rules. She is incredibly selfish. She is young with many decades ahead to do fun things. She either needs to restrict her activities or temporarily (6 months) move in with another friend her own age ... sharing rent or whatever. If you have to help with some expenses then that is what I'd do.

Also, I'd have your wife and her regularly use a Pulse Oximeter Fingertip and take their temperature. The sooner things are caught the better.

This forum is not only typically older but also a lean a particular political direction which could also then lean their opinion of the dangers of coronavirus. Many topics and discussions back up these observations.

https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/country/us/

 

[Calico]

I have a adult living at home who is saving aggressively for a townhouse. I live in Chicagoland as well. IL is in the top 5 states for new cases all the time.

She is endangering both your lives and maybe if the virus doesn't kill you or your wife it will just permanently damage some of your organs with the lungs being the most common one. Those are life-changing issues.

She is in your house. 100% your rules. She is incredibly selfish. She is young with many decades ahead to do fun things. She either needs to restrict her activities or temporarily (6 months) move in with another friend her own age ... sharing rent or whatever. If you have to help with some expenses then that is what I'd do.

Also, I'd have your wife and her regularly use a Pulse Oximeter Fingertip and take their temperature. The sooner things are caught the better.

This forum is not only typically older but also a lean a particular political direction which could also then lean their opinion of the dangers of coronavirus. Many topics and discussions back up these observations.

https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/country/us/

^^^This

 

[Alan]

I’m surprised that your daughter is not more concerned about your health than she seems to be, given what you went through 10 years ago with your cancer treatment.

https://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f38/diagnosed-with-lymphoma-45050.html

 

[audreyh1]

If she feels like she needs to live her life, then she can move on with her life by moving out. It’s unbelievable that she ignores how her behavior risks her parents. Your home, your rules. She can leave.

 

[gauss]

1 - There could be mental illness issues at play here with the daughter - ie. anxiety depression.

2 - Either way, a good solution is for her to get out on her own. A strategy so that she may be able to afford this is to have roomates. When I was in college, I had 4 - 2 to a room. My friend after he graduated and lived in expensive D.C. bought a condo, but then rented out rooms to coops students at his company.

3- In the end, if she is more comfortable at your home, then out on her own, this is where she will stay. You control how comfortable she will be at home. If no rent is currently being paid, perhaps this needs to change. ie maybe 1/2 market rates to lower her pain/aggrevation threshold for he to move out.

 

[HawkOwl]

First, recognize what is going on. Tears/throwing away food=manipulation. She has no valid justification for her actions, and rather than have a mature discussion, she throws a temper tantrum to get you to back off. Which is a strategy she has used before, I would wager.

 

[Dtail]

It is your house, so your rules. I also agree with others in that she should move out or change her thoughts. 26 y.o. these days are more immature.

 

[EastWest Gal]

Have a family meeting. Your house, your rules. She is being irresponsible. She also should be self-quarantining all the time. If she is wanting to put your lives at risk by her behavior, it’s time for her to move out ASAP. If she can’t afford it, she can get a second job.

Another thing that worries me. She wants to go to a wine tasting. How is she getting home? If she is driving your car, you might also be liable if she gets into an accident, since she may be above the legal limit when leaving the party. This behavior could also cost her her teaching job.

 

[Golden sunsets]

I am sympathetic to her situation, but agree she is being irresponsible.