Is this the Norm These Days?

[Lewis Clark]

I've never heard of this practice, either. On the other hand, it seems to be a likely - though tacky - next step after registering for gifts.

 

[Dalmore]

Very strange. I would definitely pass on both events.

 

[Katiek]

I have never seen donations mentioned on a funeral announcement, but I have seen at least one where a friend of the family started a go fund me for medical and funeral expenses. The recipients in this case were a hard working young family who were hit hard by medical costs, inability to work due to the illness and funeral expenses.

I've seen wedding registries where donations to a honeymoon fund were listed along with other items. It wasn't on the invitation, but if people were asking about gifts, the honeymoon costs were an option. Many young couples aren't really interested in China sets or silverware, and would value the experience more than things.

Like most things, how the idea is presented matters. If it comes across as a demand (especially to people who aren't invited to a wedding!) that's bad, but if I'm planning to give a gift anyway, I'd rather give the couple what they want (but I tend to give money at weddings anyway).

 

[JRon]

I live in the Midwest and we do include a memorial gift, usually $20, with the condolences card to close friends or family. The survivors then pool the memorial gifts and make a donation in the name of the deceased.

When my Mom passed a few years ago we received a few hundred dollars. We had decided on the charity so we included a note telling the name of the charity in the thank you card to the people who sent memorial gifts. This is all a very common practice around here.

 

[Markola]

^^^^ I have seen this nice tradition happen in Minnesota but didn’t know where the dollars went. I am not a native.

 

[EastWest Gal]

One of my patients with many medical problems died at the age of 2 years. The mother was distraught because she had no money for funeral expenses-she lived in the projects and barely had anything. The pediatric surgeon who had performed several surgeries and procedures during his lifetime and I got together and paid for his funeral costs.

Funerals are expensive. His mother never asked us for anything except our love and concern. We just did what is right.

My other colleagues and the nurses in the clinic knew nothing about it. They gaslighted me and got me fired the next year, mainly because I tried to get them to work just a little bit harder. I have not forgotten their mistreatment of me and the patients.

Just do what is right.

My niece included donation to a honeymoon fund in their registry. She just changed jobs and his job was gutted by Covid. The potential donation was included in the registry in a very kind and positive way. We will probably do that. Cash is always useful when one is just starting out.

 

[Andre1969]

One thing I remember, when my Granddad died back in 1990, is that a lot of relatives slipped cash in with the condolence cards they sent. I thought it was odd, but apparently it was a Southern thing? A lot of that side of the family was from North Carolina, and southern Virginia down below Lynchburg. We didn't ask for anything, but I think it was just some kind of custom, that family helped out with the burial, if they could.

When I had relatives from up North die, I don't remember any of that happening.

Funerals aren't cheap, though. I think Granddad's was around $5-6,000, back in 1990. When Grandmom finally went off to join him, in 2015, her funeral was around $9,000. Hers was more basic, though, and a much smaller crowd, as much of the family had died off, or moved away by then. And when my Dad died in 2017, I think his was about $5400. Dad's was very basic. Closed casket, fairly simple ceremony, just the very immediate family.

I wouldn't begrudge anyone trying to raise money to help pay for a funeral, just as long as they're not money-hungry leeches trying to make a big profit off of it.

 

[eytonxav]

The only thing I have seen is at funerals, in lieu of flowers, the family requests donations to XXXX charity. Other than that, for a wedding we would certainly bring an envelop if attending or send a wedding gift if a relative or close family friend and we were unable to attend. Normally there are registries that identify gifts the newly weds would need.

 

[PaunchyPirate]

I live in the “Midwestern” part of Pennsylvania (I.e. close to the Ohio border). I live in a rural area where people don’t make a lot of money. The type of place where many, many people would not readily have the money for a funeral. Its not all that uncommon to see a request to help raise funds for the funeral. It’s not done by most, but I see it now and again. I’ve seen it enough to not be shocked by it.

 

[Amethyst]

Absolutely. Donations in lieu of flowers = to a specified charity. Nobody needs expensive fresh flowers. Heck, nobody needs a coffin.

Your family is welcome to contribute whatever they wish, just as people are welcome to bring or send gifts to a wedding they're attending.

Asking for gifts and contributions for weddings and funerals is still tacky. (Personally I find wedding gift registries to be skating on the edge of tacky, such as one of a relative where the registry items were listed in order of "really want," "want," and "nice to have.")

It may be growing more common, but "common" has never been a compliment.

Anywhere I have lived that means a donation to the favorite charity of the deceased, which is usually listed in the notice. Never saw one asking for a donation to the family.

 

[athena53]

I have never seen donations mentioned on a funeral announcement, but I have seen at least one where a friend of the family started a go fund me for medical and funeral expenses. The recipients in this case were a hard working young family who were hit hard by medical costs, inability to work due to the illness and funeral expenses.

I've seen wedding registries where donations to a honeymoon fund were listed along with other items. It wasn't on the invitation, but if people were asking about gifts, the honeymoon costs were an option. Many young couples aren't really interested in China sets or silverware, and would value the experience more than things.

Like most things, how the idea is presented matters. If it comes across as a demand (especially to people who aren't invited to a wedding!) that's bad, but if I'm planning to give a gift anyway, I'd rather give the couple what they want (but I tend to give money at weddings anyway).

Agreed on all of this- I've seen honeymoon registries as an option for couples who have invited me to the wedding and for whom I want to buy a gift. Travel is a high priority of mine so I'm happy to give it as a gift.

I was raised in Ohio and live in the Kansas City area now and have never sent $$ with a sympathy card. Many times I've donated to a charity designated by the family, though.

The GoFundMe type appeals- I want this thing that I can't afford, or I made bad decisions so please bail me out- no. I'm more inclined to donate to people who just had a string of awful events beyond their control. Don't have a wedding or funeral you can't afford and then ask me for money.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

Times have changed. The popular method is to ask others to contribute to whatever the cause is.

As 2 posters mentioned, Go Fund Me is the modern tactic. For those that don't know, you open up a Go Fund Me account for any thing you want. You mention it on your social media accounts, and entice people to donate cash to your cause.

Want a German shepherd puppy? How about a vacation to Europe to relieve stress? You just open up an account, maybe you get nothing, you might get thousands. Having a tear-jerking story is mandatory to get maximum donations.

With the success of these accounts, the OP's experiences are not surprising. If you can get others to hand over the $, anything is worth a try, they believe.

A search of these Go Fund Me accounts will turn up some that sound legitimate, and many that are ludicrous. I have yet to donate to any.

 

[athena53]

A friend started a GoFundMe when her doggie chewed up part of a rug and needed expensive surgery- the yarn fibers were all tangled in the dog's intestines and it would have died otherwise. Between GoFundMe and negotiating a discount with the vet (and not using a specialized veterinary surgeon which they should have according to a friend whose daughter is a vet), the dog had surgery and survived.

I do NOT donate to that one.

 

[tulak]

My uncle passed away last January and while visiting my aunt, in the midwest, she seemed to begrudge they didn’t have a proper funeral/service and missed out at getting ‘donations.’

Struck me as odd at the time, since they are not native to the mid-west and live relatively well.

Personally, I’d never ask anyone for anything.

Strange customs.

 

[harley]

Go fund me.

I think you meant "go f* yourself".

 

[harley]

One of my patients with many medical problems died at the age of 2 years. The mother was distraught because she had no money for funeral expenses-she lived in the projects and barely had anything. The pediatric surgeon who had performed several surgeries and procedures during his lifetime and I got together and paid for his funeral costs.

Funerals are expensive. His mother never asked us for anything except our love and concern. We just did what is right.

My other colleagues and the nurses in the clinic knew nothing about it. They gaslighted me and got me fired the next year, mainly because I tried to get them to work just a little bit harder. I have not forgotten their mistreatment of me and the patients.

Just do what is right.

My niece included donation to a honeymoon fund in their registry. She just changed jobs and his job was gutted by Covid. The potential donation was included in the registry in a very kind and positive way. We will probably do that. Cash is always useful when one is just starting out.

That's a totally different story. Someone in need is not a Yuppie (or whatever the heck they call that class of people these days) looking for a good time. I'd donate to your story in a heartbeat, but the OP and a lot of the others would get the ignore button.

 

[ponyboy]

Dont hate the player, hate the game.

 

[aaronc879]

Absolutely. Donations in lieu of flowers = to a specified charity. Nobody needs expensive fresh flowers. Heck, nobody needs a coffin.

Your family is welcome to contribute whatever they wish, just as people are welcome to bring or send gifts to a wedding they're attending.

Asking for gifts and contributions for weddings and funerals is still tacky. (Personally I find wedding gift registries to be skating on the edge of tacky, such as one of a relative where the registry items were listed in order of "really want," "want," and "nice to have.")

It may be growing more common, but "common" has never been a compliment.

I think wedding registries are a genius idea. What's the alternative? Get a dozen of the same gift and have to return or re-gift most items. Why?

 

[jollystomper]

In my parents culture, it was common for the family to receive a small cash gift related to the funeral. It was more "word of mouth" and individual; choice, depending on the circumstances, than anything else. I remember my mother receiving monies when my father died back in 1994. In the culture it is less common today, but it still happens.

Paying for a raffle at a wedding, now that I never heard before. We did attend a wedding where they did raffle off things, but they were small gifts as a way of the families thanking/entertaining the guests, and you did not have to purchase tickets for it.

For us it is a no-brainer to give cash than to deal with wedding registries. We give relative generously and no one has ever complained. In fact we suspect we have been invited to a few weddings solely due to rumors about our gifting .

 

[Amethyst]

Now that you mention it, I grew up hearing that cash wasn't a polite gift, except to kids. Nobody ever explained why, except "it shows you didn't want to go to any trouble" or "it looks like you think they don't have their own money." In the end, I always thought it was a misguided type of etiquette. So you end up sending a beautiful-looking, costly basket of tasteless fruit or weird snacks [those ones that feature pickled herring, pate de foie gras, canned oysters, and other horrors].

Except for close relatives, and friends so close I knew just what gift they'd like, I would far rather have given people cash.

If you know people well enough to buy them the perfect gift, then great. If not, I say, give them enough money to buy something nice for themselves.

For us it is a no-brainer to give cash than to deal with wedding registries. We give relative generously and no one has ever complained. In fact we suspect we have been invited to a few weddings solely due to rumors about our gifting .

 

[bclover]

The age of Gofundme.
Surprised the heck out of me at church. My pastor announced the death of someone and mentioned sending condolence cards then added..."put some butter between the bread". translation send a donation. WTH!!

When my old guy died I did ask in lieu of flowers please donate to the Leukemia and lymphoma society. I simply didn't want a house full of flowers.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

Almost every funeral announcement I have ever seen has said a cash donation in lieu of flowers would be appreciated. I see nothing wrong with that. Seems many on this forum forget that most people don't have 6 figure jobs and 7 figure net worths and could use some help during big events from people who care about them and are able to help a little.

I often see that they ask for donations to a cause that was important to the descendant, but I have never seen for a donation to a decedent's family.

 

[razztazz]

Dont hate the player, hate the game.

The player chooses to play. "The Devil" isn't making them do it.

 

[pacergal]

Have friends in California who had the "money dance" thing at both their girls weddings, and a friend of DH did that at their wedding 40 some years ago. Thought it was a bit tacky then, and still do. But just because they had it, doesn't mean we needed to participate.
Kids friends who have married/had babies all have had baby fund/honeyfund as part of gift registry, not part of invite!
I have given cash with a sympathy card for a co worker whose newborn died of rare cardiac issue. Despite insurance, had big medical bills.

 

[FIYes]

I think the “fund my honeymoon but you are not invited to the wedding “ wins the prize for the tackiest of these stories! Especially sending it out at work! That would seem like a very inappropriate use of work email. I did have a coworker who decided to be a foster parent in addition to her job. She was genuinely surprised that we didn’t throw a baby shower for her. Keep in mind the state pays to support the children. As expected, it didn’t last long and she quit being a foster parent. I feel for the children in this situation.

I see many go fund me requests on Facebook. Our nieces have set up a number of go fund me requests. It just seems wrong to me. One niece asked for money because she was moving to a new apartment. This same niece occasionally posts luxury items in case anyone wants to buy for her…not official go fund me, just asking. I just ignore these requests, but one of her friends called her out for it.

Most funerals around here do have a in lieu of flowers please donate to XYZ charity or your favorite charity. I think that is just fine. Typically I donate to the charity requested.