Is this the Norm These Days?

[marion10]

It’s pretty common in the Midwest , as others have mentioned, to put some cash in the card. Most offices I worked at would have a sunshine fund or pass an envelope around when a co-worker died. When my in-laws died, we got small amounts of money in cards- but we donated it to their preferred charity. Next week we are going to the delayed funeral ( because of covid) of a cousin of a friend of mine- they were two ladies who never married and lived in a very modest condo. I’m thinking of putting $50 or so in a card and giving it to her at the service, she is having a catered lunch for about 50 people and I think the money would be useful.

 

[samcat]

I donate to GoFundMe campaigns. Kids who are sick, people who have died (usually tragically), losses from fires, a couple restaurants that needed help during covid. Even a historical arcade in SF that's been closed from March 2020 until today.

I've actually changed our charitable giving a bit. GoFundMes are nice because the money goes directly to the person you want to help. I include these funds in the amount we give away to charity each year.

 

[MultiEventer]

Sounds tacky to me. Beyond tacky actually. But little surprises me these days with a culture that has grown insanely entitled. This entitled segment of society, mostly younger (but not always) is reaching out for victimhood in anyway they can.

But antics like this are becoming more common. These groups of people feed of one another. Once you ask for money, you feel obligated to participate in your friends, co-workers and family schemes. Best thing to do is opt out. Go Galt if you will.

 

[dadu007]

The "money dance" at a Polish wedding where money is pinned to the bride is a very, very long-standing tradition. Speaking from experience with my 100% Polish DW (of 24 years). Chicago/Wisconsin area. Never seemed tacky to me, and is certainly more entertaining than people stuffing envelopes of cash into a box. ;-)

 

[Vinnyfrombrooklyn]

I just read 4 pages on a forum on this topic lol. I need to start a go fund me for stress relief lol

 

[Joyjoy757]

Yes. I believe it is a thing. My sons girlfriend was recently a bridesmaid a few times this past year. My son has been, too. They have gone on a “bridesmaid trip” and a “groomsman trip”. They all fly somewhere for an extended weekend to party and they all chip in for the brides/grooms ticket and hotel. Um, no...lol. I’ve spoken to my 30ish children about going to the JOP...haha. If they’re going to pay for anybodys trip, it’s going to be for the person who gave birth to them!

 

[Venturer]

Within the last 2 months I have seen a new (to me) thing. While we were on our 3 week camping trip was the 1st. time but several times since then. On the interstate we would pass or be passed by a vehicle with HI I'M (NAME) HIT ME UP AND BUY ME A (DRINK\GIFT. IT'S MY BIRTHDAY/HONEYMOON/GRADUATION VENMO ME! Talk about tacky and stupid but it must have worked for someone at some time for it to be going on.I also saw it on a car in Pigeon Forge and while sitting in traffic a guy ran up thru the cars and hand them some cash then ran back to his car. My wife and I just shook our heads and said what is the world coming too?

 

[Skoga]

Almost every funeral announcement I have ever seen has said a cash donation in lieu of flowers would be appreciated. I see nothing wrong with that. Seems many on this forum forget that most people don't have 6 figure jobs and 7 figure net worths and could use some help during big events from people who care about them and are able to help a little.

THIS. Im in Hawaii and money dances at weddings and some cash in a card at funerals are quite normal ways of showing Aloha to people either celebrating nuptials or in bereavement.
The above quote points out a disconnect between those with and those without. Bottom line is either you donate or you dont. No body wants to hear your outcries of "shame, shame" ..."I would never.." and " tacky"-- if it aint for you, dont do it, but please dont judge anyone else for doing so or for whatever solicitation may occur, it makes you sound terribly high-horsed.
Remember, you're no better than anyone else. Not even a little bit.

 

[tsturbo]

Very tacky and not normal

 

[klscaz]

Two years ago my niece sent out wedding announcements with the same kind of link to her "honey fund" asking folks to pay for the honeymoon. She is employed as a nurse (made more money than I ever did) and her groom is employed in marketing. By clicking on the right item in the list, you could literally pay for "horseback rides on the beach" or "a night in a luxury hotel" or "a meal prepared by a private chef" etc. etc. Or you could contribute to the cost of their airfare.

After the "honey fund" email from my niece, I gave some thought to sending her a reply asking for a contribution to my "retirement of a lifetime."

I wouldn't have a problem with my niece doing this if it was her first marriage. Rather than putting cash in a card, some givers like to think about the couple enjoying an experience with their gift. The end result is the same in terms of your out of pocket cost.

 

[Scuba]

Yes. I believe it is a thing. My sons girlfriend was recently a bridesmaid a few times this past year. My son has been, too. They have gone on a “bridesmaid trip” and a “groomsman trip”. They all fly somewhere for an extended weekend to party and they all chip in for the brides/grooms ticket and hotel. Um, no...lol. I’ve spoken to my 30ish children about going to the JOP...haha. If they’re going to pay for anybodys trip, it’s going to be for the person who gave birth to them!

I think it’s crazy what people are expected to spend nowadays to be in someone’s wedding. It used to involve a simple bridal shower usually at one of the bridesmaid’s homes, a night out on the town locally before the wedding, and the wedding itself which required buying the dress and shoes the bride specified.

Now, showers tend to be held at restaurants, hotels or fancy private clubs. The bachelor or bachelorette parties are full blown trips that often require flights and hotels for several days. The weddings require the wedding party to have their hair and makeup professionally done in addition to buying the outfits.

We have friends whose kids grew up in the same town all their lives. One year 9 of their friends got married, with many asking them to be in their weddings. They had to turn several down as the plans were too elaborate and unaffordable.

I would never have expected my friends to pay thousands of dollars to be in my wedding. Not sure why this has become a norm?

 

[Amethyst]

Peer pressure/competition, egged on by the wedding-industrial complex, fueled by reality TV (we watched a little of one of those wedding-dress shows and were struck by how ugly the costly dresses were, and how brainless the participants), and paid for by begging apps!

I think it’s crazy what people are expected to spend nowadays to be in someone’s wedding...

We have friends whose kids grew up in the same town all their lives. One year 9 of their friends got married, with many asking them to be in their weddings. They had to turn several down as the plans were too elaborate and unaffordable.

I would never have expected my friends to pay thousands of dollars to be in my wedding. Not sure why this has become a norm?

 

[Amethyst]

There should be a clawback provision, where the 50% of couples who get divorced must repay their friends and relatives all the money spent on their ultimately pointless wedding.

 

[EastWest Gal]

I donate to GoFundMe campaigns. Kids who are sick, people who have died (usually tragically), losses from fires, a couple restaurants that needed help during covid. Even a historical arcade in SF that's been closed from March 2020 until today.

I've actually changed our charitable giving a bit. GoFundMes are nice because the money goes directly to the person you want to help. I include these funds in the amount we give away to charity each year.

I hope this doesn’t mean you are claiming a tax deduction on GoFundMe giving. These are gifts, but do not mean the legal requirement for charitable giving for tax purposes.

Amongst our annual giving, we give some to local music groups and community theater. Having been a board member, I know that every penny given to such groups goes to keeping them folding. Almost of them have 501(c)3 status. One does not but we give anyway.

 

[athena53]

On the interstate we would pass or be passed by a vehicle with HI I'M (NAME) HIT ME UP AND BUY ME A (DRINK\GIFT. IT'S MY BIRTHDAY/HONEYMOON/GRADUATION VENMO ME!

I listened to a podcast on how Sweden is doing after pretty much eliminating cash transactions. Panhandlers provide their info on a sign so you can use Venmo or other apps to give them handouts.

 

[ncbill]

As another poster said, even if I liked the co-worker, friend or (not immediate family) relative enough to contribute in lieu of a gift, I wouldn't send anything until after the wedding occurred....

 

[brett]

We are not interested in helping to pay for someone's wedding or for their honeymoon.

If they cannot afford it, tone down the wedding and the honeymoon or axe the latter.

This is nothing but an entitlement issue. Sorry...the world does not owe anyone a dream wedding or the honeymoon to go with it.

No sale for us. Told DW that I am not going to pay for the wedding CD either!

No doubt that will be on offer next.

 

[Koogie]

What are stag and doe parties? Are they bachelor/bachelorette parties?

Yes, exactly. You don't use those terms in the US ?

Must be another UK derived thing we have in Canada, I guess.

 

[Aerides]

The UK term is more Hen Night isn't it? Or did that give way to Doe so it wasn't so....unkind?

 

[RobbieB]

Me thinks not the norm, just the exception that gets a lot of social media.

 

[athena53]

We are not interested in helping to pay for someone's wedding or for their honeymoon.

If they cannot afford it, tone down the wedding and the honeymoon or axe the latter.

This is nothing but an entitlement issue. Sorry...the world does not owe anyone a dream wedding or the honeymoon to go with it.

I don't mind contributing towards the honeymoon as an OPTION. Totally agreed that the wedding should not be a fund-raiser for either the wedding itself or the honeymoon. I also bristle at notions that your gift should cover your "seat cost". I give generously if I'm close to the couple and maybe a little more if I think they're just starting out with nothing (rare these days) but if they chose high-end flowers, tuxes, limos, food, etc., that's a personal choice and not my responsibility.

 

[Calico]

We are not interested in helping to pay for someone's wedding or for their honeymoon.

If they cannot afford it, tone down the wedding and the honeymoon or axe the latter.

This is nothing but an entitlement issue. Sorry...the world does not owe anyone a dream wedding or the honeymoon to go with it.

No sale for us. Told DW that I am not going to pay for the wedding CD either!

No doubt that will be on offer next.

Exactly.

 

[scrabbler1]

Wow, I'm glad I live a pretty isolated life as to not have to deal with this stuff often, if ever. I haven't been invited to or attended a wedding since 2005, and that's fine. My relatives have scattered around the country over the years, so I rarely see them any more, or have stayed in touch with most of them. They make good money so they would never have to put up a GoFundMe page. My few close friends are, like me, single and childfree. And, I am not on Facebook, so I can never get bombarded with any of its drivel.

I'd probably just ignore any GoFundMe requests anyway. Now, get off my lawn!

 

[Letj]

We always give cash for wedding gifts because every young couple could use some cash when they are starting out together. Then they can buy whatever they want or need, even a honeymoon.

This makes so much sense. I got some useless stuff for gifts and could have used the money so much better.

 

[RobbieB]

Yeah. One of my "frugal" friends gave me some tacky ass steak knives from the dollar store. I think I tossed 'em inna trash.