I haven't made a new friend since high school

[Winemaker]

I'm planning to retire at the end of the year and my wife (who is [was] a stay at home mom) has made it clear she does not want me underfoot. I have good friends (from high school) that I see a couple times a year, but they don't live nearby.

Where do old guys make new friends w/o seeming creepy.

You're not trying to get us to condone a girl friend, are you?

 

[Amethyst]

I don't blame people, really, because when you are worried about your health and/or in discomfort, it is hard to think about anything else. My Dad had a similar friend when he was about my age. The man, in his 70's, would call Dad long-distance (back when this was expensive) and spend an hour describing ailments, operations, doctor visits.

I became the target of such a person at the gym. At first, I thought she was interested in me; but it soon was clear that she seeks an ear for her health troubles. No amount of interest shown, is enough.

I suppose that at some point, we all have the choice between giving what my parents called our "organ recital" and suffering in silence. We are giving such people a gift when we let them bend our ears. Trouble is, they have run out of anything to give in return.

T

The other obstacle is seniors in poor health. Makes me sad, but I don't want to sit around and talk about poor health, we steer clear of those folks.

 

[GreenEggs]

I guess I'll have to give golf a try. It's always looked like the last thing I'd be interested in, but I've been wrong about plenty of other things, so maybe I'll like it.

 

[pacergal]

OP--what does your wife mean when she says she doesn't want you underfoot?
Does she not want you at home at all? Is it ok to be in another room pursuing your woodworking or computer interests? Is she pushing you outside your comfort zone because she is concerned you don't have "friends"?
What do the two of you do together now?
Maybe a good talk with her is in order.

 

[aja8888]

I love this! This could definitely be a thing!

It's been a "thing" for decades. I meet with my group almost every morning at a local Burger King. This group has been meeting for 15 years now. I have met some great new friends there.

 

[aja8888]

I forgot another thing related... don't spend a lot of time looking for lost balls... I buy new Kirkland golf balls from Costco for $25 for 24 balls... so for about a buck a ball I don't spend much time looking for balls. Before I found the Kirkland balls I would buy good grade used golf balls at Walmart or on the internet.

I found one of your balls last Thursday. I have never seen a Costco golf ball. I have used Titleist for decades and occasionally use the newer Bridgestone balls.

Do you know who makes the Kirkland ball?

 

[steelyman]

This thread brought to mind an episode of “The Open Mind” I came across earlier this year. The interviewee is Lydia Denworth who has been researching the topic of friendship (vs., e.g., marital or familial relationships). It’s a video, about a half hour long.

But then the more I dug into it, the more, the reason in that whole field of social behavior that I really chose to focus in on friendship is because it has just not gotten the respect it deserves, right? And I feel like the importance of it has been, it’s been sort of hiding in plain sight, friendship.

https://www.thirteen.org/openmind/science/the-science-and-necessity-of-friendship/6273/

 

[EastWest Gal]

Back to the original topic:

Both you and DW can schedule your “me” time. Time when you answer to no one but yourself. Help DW understand that that is what you need too, far more than any stay-at-home spouse realizes. Embrace that for her too. I’m a lark and DH is a night owl, so we know when our by ourself time is. Also a place. DH has his own space . I have much of the house, frankly.

Your work and savings have created this for you. Find a way to create small holes in DW’s sense of entitlement, without her knowing what is happening.

 

[jollystomper]

One of my personal observations is that the friends I made in my younger years (say from grade school through mid-career at Megacorp) tend to me more "all-around" activity friends, while the friends I have made from say 55 and onward are more "activity-specific" friends. Perhaps because, when younger, one was more flexible to explore various friendship actitives, while by [-]old age[/-] maturity one is more "locked into" certain types of friendship activities, or personal experiences, and it can be more of a challenge finding someone with many of the same interests. I have recent friends through golf that we can play, talk about it, can share a meal at the clubhouse while watching golf (or more conversing and occasionally noticing a good shot), but they have no interest in football. I have friends that we will talk football, engage in fantasy football, watch games at each others house, go to a game, but have no interest in golf. I'd say the friends I made when younger share probably 80% of interests, and even if one is in town for something I am not interested in (like opera), I will still choose to meet up with them.

Off the top of my head I would say friends made earlier in my life that I stay in touch with tend to share 80% or more of my interests, while friends made more recently share 50% or less. Not a complaint or a concern, just an observation. Of course, the key to friendship is when troubles occur and you find our who the "true" friends are, but that is best for another thread .

 

[daylatedollarshort]

This is some advice I read about making friends years ago and it seems to work for us. The people who seem happiest with their friendships usually belong to 3 -4 different organizations, places where they can find pools of potential new friends (bowling leagues, garden clubs, church, volunteer work, etc.) Then they keep 3 - 5 close friends / couples they see regularly and have many other acquaintances. They aren't always super active in the clubs, but when their close friends move away or they lose touch, they can step up their activity in the clubs and develop a few of their acquaintances into closer friendships until they reach their 3 - 5 close friendships again. Rinse and repeat.

If you are 55+, senior clubs are by definition where seniors go to engage in activities and meet other seniors. Plus the ones near us are cheap, like $30 a year for a couple, because they are government supported and many have very nice, tax payer funded activities and facilities. You don't have to join the club where you live. If you live in a suburb like me you might have 10 clubs to choose from and can pick the one(s) with the most interesting activities. One of the groups we belong to isn't a city sponsored group, and it is more expensive because they don't have their own facilities, as the events are held at restaurants and ballrooms. We've met very nice seniors at both types of clubs.

 

[Redbugdave]

If you have interests/passions, get out there and do them. That's how you find friends. Other people are like you doing their thing, too. It is important to push yourself and do things outside of your comfort zone, too. That's how you move forward and expand your horizons. Above all...you don't have to have people around for you to be happy, either. Just get out and do it. The rest will fall into place.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

I'll add that shooting sports is a great avenue to meeting folks. There are all sorts of leagues you could join and my favorite...BY FAR...are pin shoots (bowling pins). It's a lot of fun and is great for improving your shooting. As an added bonus, I have never been involved with a pin shoot that didn't involve having lunch/dinner/beverages after it was done...so lots of opportunity to socialize and meet new friends.

 

[FLSUnFIRE]

I've never had many friends; even in high school, I only had a few. No lasting college friends either. A few from both are on Facebook but we rarely interact. None are local (military brat). I find making friends easier now than than in my youth. It's easier to find like minded folks when voluntarily associating based off something common rather than being put into a forced group as kids are often done. I do what I enjoy, find groups that do those things, and end up meeting people. I divorced in 2016 and my ex "took" all our couple friends (she grew up here so her life-long friends and their partners dominated my social life) so I basically started over with no local friends. I now have a group of 20-30 regular acquaintances, half of which I would label as good friends and even have a "best friend" of a much better quality than my best friends of yore.


Get out and do things. If somewhat introverted like me, make it a point to introduce yourself to one person at each event... before long, you'll be in the circle and welcoming others to join the group as it becomes an extension of your own persona.


Most of mine have been through running groups but also paddling, bowling and home brewing. Now that I'm FIREd, I'll be adding something new to the mix and hopefully meeting some weekday friends! I may try relearning how to sail (not that I was good but I took lessons once and it was fun and I got back to port the few times I did it).

My knee and shoulder have been giving me trouble but once they settle down, I may have to try the obligatory Pickle Ball too!


I agree with setting a routine that gets you out around others. Right now, I'm in the search for a walking-distance coffee shop with the right "vibe" for me to become a regular and possibly meet folks.

 

[Music Lover]

I made friends throughout my career, I've now been retired 5 years and still see a few of them.

I joined a band 10 years ago, the drummer and his wife are good friends of ours.

One of my long time bands (almost 40 years) had 2 new members join 5 and 10 years ago. We've become friends.

 

[Koolau]

I'm planning to retire at the end of the year and my wife (who is [was] a stay at home mom) has made it clear she does not want me underfoot. I have good friends (from high school) that I see a couple times a year, but they don't live nearby.

Where do old guys make new friends w/o seeming creepy.

I know someone will ask what I like to do, so - I golf (poorly), I do some wood working, I have a computer background, I own a handgun/concealed carry (thought about getting better at shooting), and plan to focus alot of energy on getting fit.

edit: maybe a cooking class

Just occurred to me that DW IS my oldest (living) friend. We have known each other since 1st grade. We were friends long before we were lovers. Our friendship is almost 70 years old.

As long as I have her friendship, I'm good. Hope your DW is also a dear friend of yours. She'll likely "put up" with you much more than either of you thinks right now. YMMV of course.

 

[Scuba]

Just occurred to me that DW IS my oldest (living) friend. We have known each other since 1st grade. We were friends long before we were lovers. Our friendship is almost 70 years old.



As long as I have her friendship, I'm good. Hope your DW is also a dear friend of yours. She'll likely "put up" with you much more than either of you thinks right now. YMMV of course.

That’s awesome, Koolau!

 

[raria]

I'm planning to retire at the end of the year and my wife (who is [was] a stay at home mom) has made it clear she does not want me underfoot. I have good friends (from high school) that I see a couple times a year, but they don't live nearby.

Where do old guys make new friends w/o seeming creepy.

I know someone will ask what I like to do, so - I golf (poorly), I do some wood working, I have a computer background, I own a handgun/concealed carry (thought about getting better at shooting), and plan to focus alot of energy on getting fit.

edit: maybe a cooking class

OP. Can you add some color why you didn't make any friends for the last 30+ years? Is it due to your career choice or something else. I know some of us choose careers which irritate the heck out of others and make friendships impossible.

I get your point about not being creepy, the only way to mitigate that is hang around other older guys.

 

[Amethyst]

Or, just don't talk or act creepy. You are not creepy because you are an old guy.

I was just mentally contrasting the older - and quite old - men whom I like, versus the ones I tend to avoid.

In every case, the ones I like, don't divide the world into "old guys" "old gals" and "young people," etc. They just talk to people about what's going on in the world, you know, conversation.

The ones I find annoying, are the ones who think the way to be pleasant to someone they've just met, is to make a wisecrack. Now, don't get me wrong...I love wisecracks. Just not from somebody I don't know.

For example: I was raised to hold the door for everybody, age and gender irrelevant. So on leaving the gym, I held the door for a man, probably 10-15 years older than I, who otherwise might have had the door close in his face. He made a great show of speeding up when he saw me holding the door. On the way out, he cracked, "Do I hafta tip ya?" I just looked at him. Finally he said "Thank you," which is all he should've said in the first place.

So there's a thought.

I get your point about not being creepy, the only way to mitigate that is hang around other older guys.

 

[Dawg52]

I've made a lot of friends through golf. But if golf is not your thing lot's of good advice already given. You just have to pick something of interest to you and go for it. It won't happen if you stay around the house.

 

[jollystomper]

The ones I find annoying, are the ones who think the way to be pleasant to someone they've just met, is to make a wisecrack. Now, don't get me wrong...I love wisecracks. Just not from somebody I don't know.

For example: I was raised to hold the door for everybody, age and gender irrelevant. So on leaving the gym, I held the door for a man, probably 10-15 years older than I, who otherwise might have had the door close in his face. He made a great show of speeding up when he saw me holding the door. On the way out, he cracked, "Do I hafta tip ya?" I just looked at him. Finally he said "Thank you," which is all he should've said in the first place.

So there's a thought.

In my experience, the best humor I find with strangers is directing the humor at oneself.

I was in a similar experience at my gym, a woman, probably 20 years younger than me, was holding the door for me and I jogged when I saw her holding it. She said "that's okay, you didn't have to run." I said "thank you". for both holding the door, and for elevating what I did to running." She just laughed at that.

Later, we ended up working out in the same area by the free weights and she said "Your funny line at the door is making it tough for me to work out". I apologized and said "then you don't want to see me try to use these 20 pound weights, it will give you more to laugh at, so I will move away", which made her laugh again. Now she is one of my "gym friends".

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

For example: I was raised to hold the door for everybody, age and gender irrelevant. So on leaving the gym, I held the door for a man, probably 10-15 years older than I, who otherwise might have had the door close in his face. He made a great show of speeding up when he saw me holding the door. On the way out, he cracked, "Do I hafta tip ya?" I just looked at him. Finally he said "Thank you," which is all he should've said in the first place.

So there's a thought.

I think you may have taken it the wrong way. My Dad was like this. Of course this was when he was in his 80s, so most folks either laughed at comments like this, gave it right back to him, or just smiled. He liked to be someone that others would like, hence the "wise cracks". He NEVER meant ill-will and personally, I wish there were more like him. What you may have seen as "a great show" maybe was someone who just wanted an opportunity to say hello and offer a salutation to a stranger.

I can't count how many neighbors we have that will gladly wave at you from the car but won't say a word to you if you cross in the street. I am an introvert at heart but miss the small interactions that my Dad did on a daily basis. A "normal persons" trip to the store might take 10 minutes, but with Dad...it was easily 45 minutes because of his requirements to talk to the employees and even other customers. I think this was welcomed by most folks because when I went to his normal haunts to tell folks he had passed away, a great number of them were visibly upset and more than a few said, "it's like I have lost a Dad."

 

[Marita40]

Most neighborhoods have seniors who like to walk or bike. Form a group if you can't find one. I meet people that way, as well as through my church and volunteer work.

 

[Amethyst]

I figured someone would tell me this. Probably it is true. But recall, the OP is concerned about "seeming creepy" merely because he is an older man. That is what triggered my anecdote.

It's as well to wait till one knows others, at least slightly, before "joshing" them, such as implying that a stranger politely holding the door for you is a doorman.

I used to get such a sick feeling, at 18 or so, when groups of men in their 50's would josh with me (a stranger to them), when all I wanted was to get on with my business. One would make some remark, and they'd all guffaw.

I knew there was no harm in it, but resented being made the object of their fun and games. My uncles could do that, but not strangers. That was the "creepy" part. If they'd said "Hi, how are you, nice weather we're having" it would have been fine.

I think you may have taken it the wrong way. My Dad was like this. .

 

[Amethyst]

And this is true as well. They had gotten to know him.

But just starting out...keep it on the level. No matter the age group.

And I say this as one of the biggest fans of nonsense, badinage, and persiflage you will ever meet

when I went to his normal haunts to tell folks he had passed away, a great number of them were visibly upset and more than a few said, "it's like I have lost a Dad."

 

[O2Bfree]

I think you may have taken it the wrong way. My Dad was like this. Of course this was when he was in his 80s, so most folks either laughed at comments like this, gave it right back to him, or just smiled. He liked to be someone that others would like, hence the "wise cracks". He NEVER meant ill-will and personally, I wish there were more like him. What you may have seen as "a great show" maybe was someone who just wanted an opportunity to say hello and offer a salutation to a stranger.

My dad was this way too, as were many of the regulars at his restaurant. It's just one of the ways men of that generation show affection for each other, kind of a friendly punch in the arm thing. I think it was more common among the blue-collar crowd, as I don't remember the white-collar professionals engaging in that way. Growing up in that environment I learned to relate using wisecracks, and when I started working in an office it became clear pretty quickly who appreciated that behavior and who did not. Wisecracking is just another tool for communication, but yeah, using the same tool on everyone can certainly come off as creepy or even aggressive.

A couple days ago DH and I had lunch at a diner in a remote coastal town. The group of old guys at the next table were joshing and wisecraking up a storm with each other and with the waitress, who was flipping it right back with great affection. I had a chance to throw in a couple cracks, got some laughs, and just really enjoyed the retro atmosphere, along with a hamburger steak smothered in fried onions and mushrooms with mashed potatoes and gravy and a side of canned corn as the "vegetable".