Funny Joke Thread 2021 to ?
- Thread starter MichaelB
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frayne
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Did you hear the one about the narcissist who liked to use big words because it made him look more photosynthesis.
Music Lover
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
That's funny to me because I remember being with my best buddy, 50 years ago, when one off the Grateful dead songs came on and it just droned on. I ask, "when are they going to get it together?" I remember him smirking.
Probably true, but after months of badgering myself about, I need to start exercising, I finally found a couple videos mostly about stretching but they include exercises that strengthen core and add strength for balance. Then I started back at the gym, only been there twice last week but it's a start. I also notice, I already feel better when I move, less shoulder ache, my arthritic thumb hurts less. I don't hurt as much getting out of bed. OVER ALL PLUS!
Here are two stretch/strength videos, I have found helpful as starters.
frayne
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how our government works.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how our government works.
RetireBy90
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
harley
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Quite appropriate for the time we find ourselves in
Not any different than the time our grandparents found themselves in. And back to the beginning of human time, or at least since the first gov't. Probably a COA (Cave owner's Association).
This morning I accidentally changed the GPS voice to "Male". Now it just says, "It's around here somewhere … Keep driving".
REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.
I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise.
But that was several hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
But that was several hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
frayne
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
Chuckanut
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
What a great idea. Once again this site proves its value to those who frequent it.
frayne
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Random thoughts to ponder- quite a few but worth the time:
• So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t. That must be frustrating.
• Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.
• Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what’s your plan?
• The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.
• Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.
• You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.
How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when…
…the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two year, and
…the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives over 200 years.
• I too was once a male trapped in a female body…but then my mother gave birth.
• If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
• When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
• I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
• Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
• We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.
• The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.
• When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.
• It’s weird being the same age as old people.
• Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.
• Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
• If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
• We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.
• You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
• Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
• After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.
• Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
• For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version ….it doesn’t listen to anything.
• I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad’, and I know darn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.
• Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…Turn Signals.
• Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” I said, “No, it doesn’t.”
• The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.
• There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
• Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.
• I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.
• My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
• Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true. I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.
• So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t. That must be frustrating.
• Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.
• Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what’s your plan?
• The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.
• Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.
• You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.
How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when…
…the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two year, and
…the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives over 200 years.
• I too was once a male trapped in a female body…but then my mother gave birth.
• If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
• When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
• I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
• Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
• We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.
• The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.
• When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.
• It’s weird being the same age as old people.
• Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.
• Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
• If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
• We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.
• You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
• Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
• After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.
• Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
• For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version ….it doesn’t listen to anything.
• I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad’, and I know darn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.
• Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…Turn Signals.
• Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” I said, “No, it doesn’t.”
• The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.
• There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
• Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.
• I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.
• My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
• Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true. I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.
Chuckanut
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
An old man is driving his car when he accidently cuts of a guy driving a brand new Corvette. The Corvette owner chases him down into a parking lot, jumps out of his car and demands that the old man pay him $10,000 or he will beat him to a pulp.
The old man says he does not have $10,000 but asks permission to call his son for the money."My son makes a good living training dolphins. He will have the money."
The son arrives and the Corvette owner continues to threaten the old man and his son. When he finds out the son does not have $10,000, he starts pounding on him. "First you, then your stupid old man are going to end up beaten to a pulp!!" A minute later the Corvette owner is on the ground, badly bruised, begging for mercy.
The son walks over to his father and says, "Dad, for the last time. I don't train dolphins. I train seals - Navy Seals."
The old man says he does not have $10,000 but asks permission to call his son for the money."My son makes a good living training dolphins. He will have the money."
The son arrives and the Corvette owner continues to threaten the old man and his son. When he finds out the son does not have $10,000, he starts pounding on him. "First you, then your stupid old man are going to end up beaten to a pulp!!" A minute later the Corvette owner is on the ground, badly bruised, begging for mercy.
The son walks over to his father and says, "Dad, for the last time. I don't train dolphins. I train seals - Navy Seals."
Last edited:
Music Lover
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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