Funny Joke Thread 2021 to ?

[NW-Bound]

^^^ This curious news item was funny as heck. Heh heh heh...

But I believe that it's a true bear, and not a costume.

I found the video shot, from which the above frame was taken.

By the way, a few years ago a different Chinese zoo used a Tibetian Mastiff dog to impersonate a lion. So, zoo goers are more suspicious now. Heh heh heh...

 

[RetireBy90]

[FONT=&quot]I don’t mean to interrupt people but I just randomly remember things and get really excited.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages…Metamucil and Ensure.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]For those of you that don’t want Alexa listening in on your conversation they are making a male version….it doesn’t listen to anything.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Now that I have lived through a plague, I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Three thousand and twenty-seven years from now, life will either be really good or really bad. It’s 5050.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]In Ancient Rome there were four types of poisons. Poisons I, II and III would all kill you but Poison IV would make you really itchy.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Just learned that a dentist who rents a space on the main floor of our building got arrested for selling drugs. Shows how wrong you can be about people. I’ve been going to him for years. Never knew he was a dentist.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]What’s the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist? The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.[/FONT]

 

[REWahoo]

...

 

[RetireBy90]

The importance of Walking

[FONT=&quot]The importance of Walking[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]AND[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.[/FONT]

 

[braumeister]

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, flummoxed, speechless, perplexed, and gobsmacked.

Meanwhile, those waiting for the shipment were at a loss for words.

 

[Qs Laptop]

[FONT=&quot]The importance of Walking[/FONT]

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

"People who exercise live longer, but those years are spent in the gym."

 

[Qs Laptop]

I went to the zoo the other day but there was only one animal, a small dog. It was a shih-tzu.

 

[Time2]

So I just get home and My dog is laying on the back deck covered in dirt with a rabbit in her mouth.

The Rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. Now, my neighbor's kids raise these Blue Ribbon WINNER Rabbits.
I instantly knew it was one of their rabbits. So I took the rabbit away from my dog, I rushed inside,

washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home.

It was stiff but I heard some ANIMALS play dead when they are AFRAID,

I couldn't remember which animals because I was NERVOUS .

I took it and placed it back in one of the cage, then I ZOOMED back home.

NOT 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming. so I go out and ask them what's wrong?
They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.

 

[Bogie]

The difference between an optimist and a pessimist. An optimist thinks things are as good as they can get and the pessimist thinks the optimist is right.

 

[braumeister]

.

 

[ncbill]

One of kid's buddies is a SEAL now...somewhere in Africa.

Had him bring back frankincense last trip, this trip we asked for myrrh.

And maybe some of that Wagner gold while he's at it.

 

[braumeister]

Mick Jagger is 80. Mitch McConnell is 81. The benefits of a life of sex, drugs, and rock-'n'-roll should not be ignored.

 

[tizod]

That, my friend, is an amazing analogy

 

[38Chevy454]

Careful what you tell the doctor

 

[Chuckanut]

Mick Jagger is 80. Mitch McConnell is 81. The benefits of a life of sex, drugs, and rock-'n'-roll should not be ignored.

Keep in mind that Mr. McConnell had polio as a child and has suffered the after effects of the disease all his life. I doubt if Mick would have been jumping around the stage even in his 30’s had he been a victim of polio. It was and still is a terrible disease. Had many of us been born just a few years earlier, we might be among its victims.

 

[braumeister]

Keep in mind that Mr. McConnell had polio as a child and has suffered the after effects of the disease all his life.

It was a joke. That's why it's in this thread. The pictures were obviously enhanced, one in each direction. Nothing more was intended.

 

[ls99]

It was a joke. .............

And a good one.
Mick is a tad more wrinkly than in the joke photo.

 

[CDRE]

And a good one.
Mick is a tad more wrinkly than in the joke photo.

Wait, does your photo even have Mick in it?

 

[Aerides]

Guys with that many wrinkles should be posing with such young beauties. The comparison is very strong. OTOH, maybe Mick should find a better tech to Photoshop his image. Other stars do.

They're his daughters, I don't think he minds.

 

[NW-Bound]

I just found out Mick Jagger has 8 kids by 5 women. His kids' ages range from 51 to 6.

His current partner, the mother of his 6-year-old son, is way younger than his daughters.

 

[ls99]

I just found out Mick Jagger has 8 kids by 5 women. His kids' ages range from 51 to 6. His current partner is way younger than his daughters.

Not quiet as prolific as Musk.

 

[NgineER]

Related to the worst flight experience thread.

Why is diarrhea hereditary?

It runs in your jeans.

My colonoscopy Dr had never heard it.

 

[Qs Laptop]

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.

“Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!”

“Great,” said Ned. “What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Sunday.”

 

[Time2]

Mick Jagger is 80. Mitch McConnell is 81. The benefits of a life of sex, drugs, and rock-'n'-roll should not be ignored.

I have been known to look at Jagger prancing around on stage and ask, "is it really true that drugs are bad for you".

 

[RunningBum]

What do Deadheads say when they run out of drugs?

"My god, what is this awful music?!”