Another Marriage Bites The Dust Due To Financial Incompatibility plus

[W2R]

I am a divorcée, and I know how awful divorce can be, and how much you may be suffering right now. I feel for you. If I could talk to my former self in the midst of divorce, I would tell her:

(1) There definitely IS life after divorce; and
(2) All the pain you are going through right now? The happiness and fulfillment you will gain after the divorce will make it more than worthwhile.

Hang in there.

 

[sheehs1]

I'm so sorry for you, your husband and family. You & your family for having to endure his addiction and him for not being able/wanting to fight his addiction. My friend had similar with an alcoholic husband. She kept letting him come back and come back. He dragged their whole family down. If you do let him back.......yeah it happens sometimes, it's not until he's gone for treatment and is maintaining. That takes a long time not a few months.
I have no idea how bad it's been for you so if this is "the final straw" try to do the divorce as calmly as possible. If "calms" not possible; make sure he knows to contact your attorney and not you. Don't take his calls.
Best wishes for future happiness!

Thank you splitwdw. This is the final straw. There have many numerous (too many to count) other breakages. Went to see my lawyer before I asked him to leave. The first breakage, if you will was around the 2nd year we were married. Came home asking me to sign a note for a loan for his office building. $100,000. At that time I did not have $100,000. I told him I would not sign and he left. What had he done? Played with options on margin. With money he did not have. Give you guys an idea, he was in Atlantic City gambling when my mother died. What a guy, right
There were several separations and at least I was smart enough to get that agreement signed back in 2007. There was another separation in 2010. Then detox for him. He came back after detox because he didn't want to go to his mother's. I had some hope that detox would help. It didn't. But that is only because he would not walk the walk and go to counseling...etc.

 

[sheehs1]

As a single person, I can only imagine the long-term stress and unhappiness this marriage brought you over many years. I hope your post marital agreement protects your assets and that things will be much brighter for you once this is over. Who owns the home? Who is currently living there?

Meadbh. I own the home. Deeded to me. Paid for by me. Also specified as such in the Post Martial Property Settlement Agreement and I am here. He has an office 45 minutes away and has an apartment over it. That is where he is.

The home. I was building the home and closed on it prior to the marriage. 2600 sf for me and my daughter. When I married, there were 3 other people in the house, closet poor, etc. That said, I put on a $100,000 master suite addition for us within the 2nd year we were married. Asked him to go on the loan with me. He wouldn't. I did the addition anyway. But I told him I would not put his name on the deed. Offered for him to buy out half my equity at that time in return for his name on the deed (equity was very little back then). Wouldn't do that either.
Knew then how I was going to handle my finances. But was also embarrassed. Second marriage and my daughter's heart was involved.

 

[sheehs1]

I am a divorcée, and I know how awful divorce can be, and how much you may be suffering right now. I feel for you. If I could talk to my former self in the midst of divorce, I would tell her:

(1) There definitely IS life after divorce; and
(2) All the pain you are going through right now? The happiness and fulfillment you will gain after the divorce will make it more than worthwhile.

Hang in there.

Thank you W2R. Quite honestly the suffering part should be over. I feel really good about this decision. I'm peaceful and happy to be done. There may be some remnants of grieving and there may be some periodic sadness. I have always been one that can take a lot, be patient and suffer thru to the decision. Meaning I am not an impetuous person. I recognize I am not the only cog in the wheel so to speak. But once the decision is made, it is much easier for me. Came down to the knowledge that I was NOT living my next 25 years the way the last 22 years went.
Funny, the past 4 years life always got in the way of this decision. There was always a birthday, graduations, Christmas, wedding, a Father's Day, a Mother's Day, an annual family vacation to "GET THRU". I suddenly realized those things were always going to happen and I needed to reverse my thinking process! Ha!

 

[Meadbh]

Sheehs1, thank you for sharing that. I'm glad that the home is unequivocally yours. It appears that you have been bankrolling this union from the beginning. Was there any indication prior to the marriage that he was a gambler?

 

[sheehs1]

Sheehs1, thank you for sharing that. I'm glad that the home is unequivocally yours. It appears that you have been bankrolling this union from the beginning. Was there any indication prior to the marriage that he was a gambler?

There really wasn't Meadbh. But there was shortly after to varying degrees.
Various sour deals along the way. All of them he tried to get me into and all of them I turned down. Such as money thrown into a golf course investment start up. And he used MY tax returns to present himself as a qualified investor. Pissed me off. I would say he has thrown or gambled away close to $750,000 or more in 22 years. And that is just what I know of. There are probably things I do not know.

I bankrolled this side of the marriage, meaning home and hearth, supported myself and my daughter. He bankrolled his own needs thru his business, such as health care, car and child support for his two sons..etc. So, while I didn't pay for "everything", I paid for everything one might consider home and hearth. For ex: not one piece of anything in this home has he purchased. Not one house project has he paid for. I just finished a $15,000 upstairs bath renovation and a $7,000 conditioned crawl space project. Have another upstairs to do but might now scale the scope back. need to do what a buyer might want IF I decide to sell and move close to my daughter but am not making any rash decisions about that ..yet. This is my home and I enjoy it. Besides she is only an hour away!

 

[W2R]

Thank you W2R. Quite honestly the suffering part should be over. I feel really good about this decision. I'm peaceful and happy to be done.

Terrific! It sounds like you got through the misery quickly, and you are at the next stage which is best described as That is just wonderful and I am happy to hear it.

 

[sheehs1]

Terrific! It sounds like you got through the misery quickly, and you are at the next stage which is best described as That is just wonderful and I am happy to hear it.

W2R2..Thank you. I asked him to leave last week so I have had a week of peace. Just please know there was always the next crisis around the corner, many separations and many hurts. I suppose the one thing I am grateful for out of all of that is the Post Marital Property Settlement Agreement that protects my assets.
To give an idea of the disparity over the 22 years. My husband may possibly have an account with $100,000 and that is a stretch. There is a loan against the office building and a car payment. He has receipts of over $350,000 or more with his business. Had the opportunity over the years to set himself up for retirement but due to the gambling hasn't. He resents me and what I have managed to squirrel away for retirement the last 22 years. No doesn't love me. Loves only himself and his addictions. Had the feeling he was really just waiting for me to die...knowing he would get something. Sad , huh?

Thank you everyone for your comments and support!

 

[heeyy_joe]

Dr. Phil is itching to hear the husband's side of this story, Sometimes addition by subtraction is necessary and beneficial to all concerned parties.

 

[2B]

W2R2..Thank you. I asked him to leave last week so I have had a week of peace. Just please know there was always the next crisis around the corner, many separations and many hurts. I suppose the one thing I am grateful for out of all of that is the Post Marital Property Settlement Agreement that protects my assets.
To give an idea of the disparity over the 22 years. My husband may possibly have an account with $100,000 and that is a stretch. There is a loan against the office building and a car payment. He has receipts of over $350,000 or more with his business. Had the opportunity over the years to set himself up for retirement but due to the gambling hasn't. He resents me and what I have managed to squirrel away for retirement the last 22 years. No doesn't love me. Loves only himself and his addictions. Had the feeling he was really just waiting for me to die...knowing he would get something. Sad , huh?

Thank you everyone for your comments and support!

I can only wonder why you put up with this so long. It appears obvious that this was a disaster from almost day one. You've separated multiple times so there were obviously serious crisis where you knew it was wrong yet you (sort of) reconciled. You had been married before and I can only assume that this somehow ended in divorce. This wasn't your first rodeo, so to speak.

Please don't take this as being ugly, but you may want to get some personal advice/counseling on whether you are drawn to "losers." I am shocked at what you've put up with for so long and can't imagine how you let it continue yet repeatedly recycled the relationship. It's still possible to recycle it again if you're not careful.

 

[Chuckanut]

FWIW, I suggest joining a divorce support group, usually offered through various churches. The good ones don't require or twist you arm to join a church.

The trick I found is to not let the divorce, or the soon to be ex-spouse, pull your strings. Instead, think through everything and be the one in control of your life (and yours only since control of others is an illusion). You seem to be on this path at the moment. Great!

Oh, and do give yourself two years minimum as they often advise. After 20+ years of marriage, even bad marriage, there will be an emotional and mental adjustment period. Even if you feel good and think you're OK, you are not going to be 100%. Backing out of the garage, I knocked the same side view mirror off my car twice in 6 months, after my divorce.

 

[sheehs1]

I can only wonder why you put up with this so long. It appears obvious that this was a disaster from almost day one. You've separated multiple times so there were obviously serious crisis where you knew it was wrong yet you (sort of) reconciled. You had been married before and I can only assume that this somehow ended in divorce. This wasn't your first rodeo, so to speak.

Please don't take this as being ugly, but you may want to get some personal advice/counseling on whether you are drawn to "losers." I am shocked at what you've put up with for so long and can't imagine how you let it continue yet repeatedly recycled the relationship. It's still possible to recycle it again if you're not careful.

Thanks for your response 2B. Can't begin to list all the reasons why I allowed things to continue. Three young children involved-felt responsible. Desire for a family-knew this would be the last chance at that. Busy as heck-working and raising children - days from 5:00 a.m. to midnight- got caught up in the day to day. Parents were ill and passed during this time frame. He would apologize and beg me to take him back - yes I asked for counseling - never happened. Yes-the addictive cycle of that. Just tried to keep the balls from dropping. On the surface a smart man, a good looking man but an emotionally immature man - meaning couldn't handle a conversation to address our issues -usually ended up in anger with him walking out. As I said earlier, life always seemed to get in the way of me making a decision for myself because I was not the only cog in the wheel that would be affected. We woman sometimes do that. Right or wrong.

I understand your comment about the "possible recycle again" but I promise not this time. I would not have posted about it were it not final.

 

[sheehs1]

Dr. Phil is itching to hear the husband's side of this story, Sometimes addition by subtraction is necessary and beneficial to all concerned parties.

Not quite sure what you are looking for heey/joe. I can't tell his side of the story. All I can tell you is mine. I can repeat that he is a gambler and has addictive tendencies towards pills and alcohol all of which leads to poor judgement and poor decisions as well as a strong bent towards selfishness and the narcissism that goes with it that seemed to get progressively worse thru the years.
I can tell you that my child, the one that lived with us, views me as the strong, capable and responsible one and is happy I have made this decision. In her words, "about time".
So we have a set up when man marries woman and adopts her child. But man won't financially invest in the home. He doesn't wrap his arms around "the family". In fact, he works very hard at making it about just he and his boys. We have a man who could walk out on his own without any financial responsibility to this marriage and in fact, every time he walked out in anger he took his financial contribution with him. We have a man who does only what he wants (his mother is the same way). He was raised by a woman who was Quaker and who catered to the men in the family. The woman (sisters and mother) did the work and the men while they worked in their jobs, played after. His sister said "it is the reason she never married". His sister can build a shed by herself. My husband needed instruction for cleaning up cat hair ball under his bed even after having the cat for 10 years. (2 weeks ago).
I can not begin to tell you how much like both the man and the woman I felt in this marriage. I fix everything or if I can't fix it, I call someone who can. Very much like his mother treated him.
So we had a situation where he would not financially invest in this home. It is mine. So he had the excuse "the house is yours so you take care of it". Set up just the way he wanted - without any responsibility? A theme than ran thru out the marriage. No...this is not what I wanted 22 years ago. Yes I begged him to share in something together. After many years the possibility of sharing wasn't even the point anymore. It was about giving it to him for free. And I could go on and on and on....but will stop here.

 

[sheehs1]

FWIW, I suggest joining a divorce support group, usually offered through various churches. The good ones don't require or twist you arm to join a church.

The trick I found is to not let the divorce, or the soon to be ex-spouse, pull your strings. Instead, think through everything and be the one in control of your life (and yours only since control of others is an illusion). You seem to be on this path at the moment. Great!

Oh, and do give yourself two years minimum as they often advise. After 20+ years of marriage, even bad marriage, there will be an emotional and mental adjustment period. Even if you feel good and think you're OK, you are not going to be 100%. Backing out of the garage, I knocked the same side view mirror off my car twice in 6 months, after my divorce.

Thank you Chuckanut. Good advice. I may do that. I have had some individual counseling thru the years for myself. And there were times I took my daughter.
I am sure there will still be some grieving to do but I am ready to face that music so to speak.
Will not be making any rash decisions for a while yet. Just maintaining but maintaining in some peace and quiet (I hope) .

 

[JacqJolie]

sheehs, hope I'm not being presumptuous, but it does sound to me like you may have been "dancing" a fairly common dance all these years:
The Dance Between Codependents & Narcissists | World of Psychology

Very glad that you're taking your life back.

 

[ivinsfan]

Well I am not a shrink and I don't even play one on TV, so I won't attempt to give you a "diagnosis' on an internet forum. Hair-splitting and looking back are yesterday. What you do going forward is your future and good luck with it. Don't try to explain or justify it to anyone here...we are not that important. Stay your course and look for a soft landing.

 

[38Chevy454]

You have done the hard part and made the decision, which I have to agree is the right one for your case. All I can say is that now you have the rest of your life ahead. Put the past behind, take some time to recover, and then full speed ahead.

Rely on friends or support group for a while, no need to suffer alone. Don't dwell on the past, but instead look to the future.

 

[sheehs1]

sheehs, hope I'm not being presumptuous, but it does sound to me like you may have been "dancing" a fairly common dance all these years:
The Dance Between Codependents & Narcissists | World of Psychology

Very glad that you're taking your life back.

Yes perhaps JacJolie. But was well aware of this dance. Have dealt with narcissists before. And you would be correct. While we are all codependent to a degree as one has to be to exist as a couple, there are varying degrees. It is the non codependent side of me that made this decision. Thank you for your well wishes.

 

[sheehs1]

Well I am not a shrink and I don't even play one on TV, so I won't attempt to give you a "diagnosis' on an internet forum. Hair-splitting and looking back are yesterday. What you do going forward is your future and good luck with it. Don't try to explain or justify it to anyone here...we are not that important. Stay your course and look for a soft landing.

Again thank you ivinsfan. Plan on doing just that! Yep, don't think the details or justifications are necessary. I shared the decision here as another example of financial incompatibility. Appreciate the support.

 

[sheehs1]

You have done the hard part and made the decision, which I have to agree is the right one for your case. All I can say is that now you have the rest of your life ahead. Put the past behind, take some time to recover, and then full speed ahead.

Rely on friends or support group for a while, no need to suffer alone. Don't dwell on the past, but instead look to the future.

Thank you 38Chevy454. Only positive future things ahead. Or at least that is the plan.

 

[Telly]

...... Then there is the inability/refusal to communicate unless it is with anger.........

That right there would do it for me! A major major character flaw. I had to live that, and worse things with it, until I was old enough and in a position to escape and never look back.

In the work world, I would not, and did not, put up with it.

Glad you have the strength of character and have developed the means to rely on, so you could say enough is enough, no more second-chances, that's it, finished.

Please be safe!

 

[sheehs1]

That right there would do it for me! A major major character flaw. I had to live that, and worse things with it, until I was old enough and in a position to escape and never look back.

In the work world, I would not, and did not, put up with it.

Glad you have the strength of character and have developed the means to rely on, so you could say enough is enough, no more second-chances, that's it, finished.

Please be safe!

Good for you too Telly. Yes it is a communication killer.
Thru the years I have come to know "the measure of a person is how that person treats his/her family". Not what they do in public or how the public perceives them. Period.

P.S. Edited this after thinking about it. Too much info!

 

[2B]

Decisions come slowly.

Glacial comes to mind except where you reconcile.

I once dated a girl that had been abused by her prior boyfriend. I found this out after we had been dating awhile. Her stories were awful. It involved verbal and physical abuse for several months.

We dated about 6 months with it beginning to become "serious" IMHO and then one day she dumped me to go back with her old boyfriend. Her story was that I was "nice and fun" but he was just more exciting. She called me again about a year later and I never returned her call. I wasn't going to get on that merry-go-round.

 

[sheehs1]

Glacial comes to mind except where you reconcile.

I once dated a girl that had been abused by her prior boyfriend. I found this out after we had been dating awhile. Her stories were awful. It involved verbal and physical abuse for several months.

We dated about 6 months with it beginning to become "serious" IMHO and then one day she dumped me to go back with her old boyfriend. Her story was that I was "nice and fun" but he was just more exciting. She called me again about a year later and I never returned her call. I wasn't going to get on that merry-go-round.

Have to admit 2B, "Glacial" probably went over my head a bit. Ha!

Re: The girl you dated. Good you didn't call her back.
Re: Mine. Got the AOK and approval from my mother, sisters, etc. Blind date at Golf Member Guest. Fixed up by the wife of a guy I knew in high school. All good families. Wife was my blind date's cousin (my husband's cousin). Small area. Everyone knows everyone else. Thought he was safe. Safe, nice and fun is what I was going for.

 

[Walt34]

Sorry that you're having to go through this but you'll be better off in two years. Been there, done that too, but mine lasted only five years.

I expected to be somewhat poor starting out but 5 years later it was getting old. Then when she wanted to take out a loan to go on a trip I saw no future down that road.

Two years later after I live like a monk that long and buy my own house she calls and wants to come over. Uh, okay, dunno what for. I still remember because I was a bit embarrassed since I'd been there two months and there were still unpacked boxes on the floor, taking my sweet time since I was the only one living there. And of course I was working full time shift work.

Anyway, she wants my approval to marry her boyfriend that she's been living with for the last year! I just said "We're divorced, do whatever you want." A neighbor who is a psychologist said she was probably ambivalent. I asked does that mean she was really asking do I want her back? "Yup".

The thought of taking her back had simply never occurred to me.

I'd met DW by then but nothing serious until later. Later this month it'll be 26 years of wedded bliss.