Do You Visit Relative's Gravesites?

[F.I.R.E User]

Some people like to take pictures in front of graves and post it on social media.

 

[Gumby]

I have visited the graves of a number of my 9th great-grandparents (and at least 4 generations of their descendants), since they are in my town and the town next to me. I have seen the graves of my parents only once, when they were buried. To me, cemeteries are interesting, but not spiritually significant. As for myself, I choose direct cremation and inurnment at the US Naval Academy columbarium. I'm certain no one will ever come to visit.

 

[W2R]

I have visited the graves of a number of my 9th great-grandparents (and at least 4 generations of their descendants), since they are in my town and the town next to me. I have seen the graves of my parents only once, when they were buried. To me, cemeteries are interesting, but not spiritually significant. As for myself, I choose direct cremation and inurnment at the US Naval Academy columbarium. I'm certain no one will ever come to visit.

When I had my will drawn up for the first time (last year), one the questions on the lawyer's questionnaire was what my wishes were for my remains (cremation or other arrangements). I am not religious so I said cremation was fine with me if that is cheaper or desired for some reason. I won't be here so I'll have no objections. If it turns out that there really IS such a thing as the afterlife, and that cremation was the wrong decision for some spiritual reason, well, it's not like I never made an idiotic decision before.

The only thing I didn't want to do, was to have my remains dumped in our beloved ocean. I don't want my dead body adding to ocean pollution.

I doubt anybody will visit me. I think that custom has nearly vanished in our lifetimes.

 

[38Chevy454]

OP here, a lot of interesting replies. Seems to be many like me who don't visit gravesites. But a good portion of the replies do visit occasionally especially when visiting from out of town. It does seem to be a generational change where pre-baby boomers tended to visit more than the baby boomers and later generations.

 

[Popeye]

If you want to visit virtually you could see if there’s a record on https://www.findagrave.com/

Genealogy folks use it all the time. There may be a record and a photo of the memorial. You can even request a photo which volunteers will add if you live far away.

 

[Sunset]

I used to play in a graveyard as a kid, still like to visit them when traveling. Of course now it's rare to visit as I find not many people think it's a fun event.

There is a lot of history in those graves, and I like to ponder what the peoples lives were like.

I haven't visited my relatives graves in decades as it would be a very long trip.

 

[Koolau]

Both DW's and my parents are interred in the same above ground mausoleum. Both her brother and my sister are also in the same building. We visit every few years. We understand that there is "nothing" there but the left-overs. Anything spiritual or a soul is long gone. But, just seeing the location, and reading the letters that state who the person was is sort of significant reminder of lives lived.

 

[Ronstar]

DW and I plan to be buried in the same hole. Me cremated, DW conventional. Cremation goes above the casket of the other, so if I go first and get my ashes buried, I will later be exhumed to allow DW to be buried underneath.

 

[misanman]

DW and I visit and maintain our parent's grave sites 2-3 times a year. Many of my family going back 4 generations are buried in the same cemetery and that reminds me of my family heritage. I've researched our genealogy extensively and cemeteries are a great resource for that. I expect that we will be buried in the traditional way, although we haven't made any arrangements yet.

 

[athena53]

I used to play in a graveyard as a kid, still like to visit them when traveling. Of course now it's rare to visit as I find not many people think it's a fun event.

There is a lot of history in those graves, and I like to ponder what the peoples lives were like.

I found a couple of cemeteries on random wanderings in Skoder, Albania and Dubrovnik, Croatia. Some graves have beautiful sculptures and in Europe they're more likely to have a picture of the deceased on the headstone. It's interesting to see how long people lived, how many children they had, infant mortality, age differences between husband and wife.. it really is a glimpse into what life was like.

And Pere Lachaise cemetery in Paris is a destination unto itself. You can find Jim Morrison's grave by following other tourists!

 

[Koolau]

DW and I plan to be buried in the same hole. Me cremated, DW conventional. Cremation goes above the casket of the other, so if I go first and get my ashes buried, I will later be exhumed to allow DW to be buried underneath.

We haven't researched legality yet, but both DW and I wish our ashes to be spread over the pet cemetery in front of Valley of the Temples cemetery "complex." We used to live near by and often visited. Essentially all faiths (or no faith) are represented in various sections of the cemetery. There is even a Buddhist temple in the complex.

We were fascinated by the various rituals that the various faiths carry out. One of our favorites was decoration of graves. Some people celebrate their departed relatives by placing their favorite food and drink on the grave. So, walking through that section, instead of flowers, you may see cans of Coke and bags of Cheetos. Relatives may arrive en masse, throw blankets on the grave and have a picnic with their departed relative.

But outside the front gates and between the official boundary of the cemetery and the road is a pet cemetery. I think that's where we want to be spread if we can swing it.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valley_of_the_Temples_Memorial_Park

https://www.hawaii-guide.com/oahu/sights/valley-of-the-temples#top

 

[Badger]

A few times a year I visit my parents gravesite since the cemetery is only 2 miles from my house. I bought a granite bench to have a place to sit at their graves while I talk through problems and consider how they might handle them. Sometimes it is just a place to sit that is quiet and peaceful. Other than that I don't know where any relatives are even buried.

Cheers!

 

[Koolau]

I have used "Find a Grave" to locate some relatives graves that are far away. If anyone is into genealogy (I am not) Find a Grave is full of clues.

I must say, looking up my uncle on the site - and seeing a grave stone with my name on it - was just a bit unnerving. YMMV

 

[EarlyandLate]

When I was a child, my family visited grave sties only a few times. Now my dad visits my mom's grave fairly frequently. His place is waiting right beside her. His dad and mom are buried about 5 yards away. Now when I visit him, we go out there. We also walk around the cemetery for exercise. It's kind of interesting to see the graves of so many people I knew when I was growing up there and brings up a lot of good memories. Once dad is gone, I will likely never return to that town, so the visitation will end then.
I find it interesting to walk through older cemeteries. When I lived in Los Angeles in the 90's, I was only about 3 blocks from the cemetery where Marilyn Monroe is buried (in a wall niche). There are a lot of other famous people buried in that small cemetery. I used to walk through there from time to time to see all the flowers and gifts that people were still leaving at Marilyn's grave. They would also put on red lipstick and kiss the gravestone. Very bizarre!

 

[Stormy Kromer]

I'm a donor and am looking into donating the rest to a medical school. Creamate whats left and dig a little hole behind the church.

 

[Uplooking]

On visiting relative's grave sites: I realize Memorial Day is a Veterans observance but my family's tradition was to decorate family member's graves that weekend as well. Mom would use whatever was in bloom in her garden/yard that week. Now I buy a bunch of flowering annual sets and put together 15-16 flower pots for grave sites (all at one cemetery thankfully). After a week or so we bring the flower pots home for us to enjoy (and squirrels to up root) for the rest of the summer. My wife's family had always used artificial flowers on family member's graves and we continue that at 5-6 of her family's graves as well.
DW and I are starting to think of taking care of this burial business for us - I don't expect many flowers...

 

[Act2]

About once a year I put flowers on my parents’ graves. They are buried a few hours away and I visit old friends in their town about once a year and the gravesite visit occurs then. They have not been dead very many years yet and the loss still seems fresh to me so I find it comforting somehow. This is usually an autumn trip.

My maternal grandparents are buried in another state. I recently visited a friend in the town where the grandparents and another relative are buried and I visited the graves since I was in town.

Paternal grandparents are in yet another state, one I have not traveled to or even near for decades, since the last was buried. But if/when I do travel to that area for any reason, I would stop by their gravesites as well.

One relative is buried (well, ashes inurned in a niche) in the national military cemetery in Punch Bowl, and I have not been back to Hawaii since her death. If I go back to Hawaii, which I hope to do some day, I will stop by.

Anyone further back than grandparents would be buried across the ocean.

 

[jollystomper]

I do it infrequently, and usually on occasions that bring me back to the cemeteries (such as another burial).

My dad died in 1994, I went back to his grave (about 5 hours from where we live) maybe twice before my mother died in 2014. Once for another funeral in the same cemetery, once during a Thanksgiving with family in the area, when our youngest and one of my nephews, who were both born weeks before my dad died, wanted to see the grave.

My mother died in 2014, I have been back to her grave (she is buried with dad) once, again during a family gathering about 20 minutes from the cemetery.

It has been 7 years since visiting their graves. At one point my siblings and I were solicited by the cemetery to pay something like $800 to clean and polish their grave markers. We joked and said "the next one of us that visits, we will chip in to buy and send that person metal polish to do the job".

Probably the next time we go will be another family burial there. One of DW's grandmother, a couple of cousins, and a couple uncles, along with several close family friends, are in the same cemetery. A couple of older my siblings have purchased plots in he same cemetery.

We do not make a big thing of it. My perspective is that I would not want our children or anyone else feel they must be "tied" to an area because their parents are buried there. We have know people who found it difficult to move from an area for that reason.

 

[Sue J]

I have been to my parents graves a few times since their deaths but I haven't been back for a while. It's a Jewish cemetery and they are in the veterans section there.

Up the hill, in the old part, are my mother's parents. Within view from there are my mother's brother and sister-in-law. Over toward the front, closer to the parking lot are my father's mother, his sister, her husband and their son. So you can make one trip and see everybody.

One Jewish tradition that I've always liked is that when you visit a grave you leave a stone on the headstone. After my parents died I kept some stones in my car, just in case I needed to make a stop. It's nice to see the stones other visitors left.

I've told DH and our kids to donate anything of me that's usable. Then I want cremation. Keep me around as long as you need to and then scatter the ashes in the local river. I've specified that I don't want to be buried.

 

[kcowan]

Dad. Mom and Brother are all Interred in one of those flat graves sites on the outskirts of Toronto. Visited three times at the three interments. Now live in Vancouver and Mexico.

No plans to return. I will not be buried.

 

[skyking1]

Dad is in Admiralty Inlet and our future home is nearby. Mom is here and there, in some of her favorite places. DW's father is at Mt. Rainier and off the coast at Westport, courtesy skyking express.
I think of them often.
Skyking express has scattered many of my friends and family over the years.

 

[Mr._Graybeard]

My parents, grandparents and some other friends and relatives are buried in a small cemetery a couple hours away. We used to spend a lot of summers in that town, so my siblings and I usually go a couple times a year to plant flowers, but also visit the old town and enjoy the scenery. It's a day trip that involves a lot of nice memories and the gravesite visit is one part of it.

I do this too. Mom and Dad, my uncle and grandparents were cremated but their cremains were buried in a small cemetery in Dad's Upper Peninsula hometown. When we vacation up there every couple of years we always stop at the cemetery. It brings back memories of not only my departed family, but also other folks in the town I knew.

When Dad died, he asked that his ashes be buried in the cemetery. I called the cemetery sexton to make the arrangements, and he told me, "Bring a shovel, you can do it yourself."

 

[EastWest Gal]

I have visited my parents' most times when I visit the SF Bay Area. My parents bought the plot many years before their passing. It is in the east bay on a hill that looks straight over the bay toward the Golden Gate Bridge. It is a nice spot for reflection.

I started researching family history on Ancestry during the pandemic, as well as scanning old photos in my parents' possession and identifying the people in them. A copper plate was made of my great grandfather for a book published in 1916. My dad still had it in a box. I took the plate to the county historical society where dad was born. During that time I also visited the cemeteries where my ancestors were buried. My great great great grandfather settled in California just after the gold rush and started buying up farm land. My great grandfather was a big ranch and business owner, at one time having 2000-3000 acres.

I also visited my mother's grandparents' graves, which weren't easy to find. I knew nothing about them, but learned a lot through Ancestry. They were buried in the Russian cemetery in Colma, CA, above the larger Chinese cemetery. All the headstones were in Russian, fortunately my husband came with me and he read some of the words, having taken Russian in college. Colma is a small town of 1500 people just south of San Francisco. There are over 1.5 million people interned there.

Other than my parents, I probably won't go back to visit, since it is 2800 miles away.

 

[Humbooster]

Yes, every time I am in the country I make sure to visit. They all helped me in every way they could when they were alive. It is the very least I can do.

 

[pacergal]

Paternal grandparents and some family members are all buried in my parents small hometown area. Siblings and I would take Dad there when we went back, haven't been since the year he died.
Maternal grandparents bodies were donated to science, then cremated.
Parents were cremated, and we all scattered ashes in places that were a part of their lives, their home town, where they got engaged, the Pacific coast where they had a vacation home. I still have some, I will take with us to Hawaii next time I go. They had a timeshare condo there and went for 2 months every year with friends.
DH and I plan to be cremated.