Does Your Family Talk About Money?

[Draggon]

I suspect (no way of knowing) that DW and I are probably the most "well-off" of anyone in either side of our families. As described earlier, we keep a pretty tight lid on where we stand with the exception of my talking about early retirement for only about the last 15 years or so - I'm sure by now they're tired of hearing about it...

We've seen many of our relatives struggle financially, and while we would like to help, it's an incredibly slippery slope when everyone is needy. So we pick and choose what we help with, such as a plane ticket to an important funeral, etc.

As someone else mentioned, we've tried to instill some financial discipline in our two kids, but that has seemingly failed miserably to date. We're still hoping for some maturing there, and we keep coaching as the opportunity presents itself. For us, I think the decision to keep private about it is definitely in our best interests.

 

[Draggon]

My parents never talked about money, but through their actions I saw them take care of it...

...Those are good types of family arguments to have.

Great story, jolly - thanks for sharing!

 

[Draggon]

Another thing I wanted to add - which I alluded to earlier - is that I find myself throwing tidbits to my nieces and nephews far more often than discussing things with any of the older generations. Some bite and ask more questions - some show no interest at all. I'm finding that the upcoming generation is my best hope of passing on any financial wisdom; such as it is.

 

[imoldernu]

Three or four years ago, a sit down with our sons. Complete review of finances and plans for the future, copy of our wills, and an open discussion of who, what, and when... and an open invitation for any change in thoughts or feelings...
We're very close, all of us, and since that time have not needed to redo any part of our plans.

Love goes a long way towards a happy life.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

Our oldest son overheard us discussing our finances when he was 11 and we were forced to be more upfront than we otherwise would have. It turned out to be a good thing- he asked great questions, and we've had many interesting conversations since then. I have also been known to listen to financial podcasts with the kids in the car, which also produce interesting discussions. Recently his team won the "Finance challenge" for the state, he was the highest scorer on the team- he even outscored his teacher! Definitely one of my proudest parenting moments!

My dad discussed investing with us when we were little- showing us charts in whatever personal finance book he was reading. We're all pretty financially literate and responsible. I have not made a secret of my intention to retire early- with no pension or SS anytime soon. They probably know we have amassed some money but no one has asked and we don't go into specifics.

I give all nieces and nephews personal finance books for graduation- some of them have paid attention, some haven't yet- but they're all pretty young.

 

[Draggon]

Projected retirement--2020 at age 48

2020 is my year as well, though I'll be 7 years beyond 48! Congrats!

What month? I'm 11/1.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

2020 is my year as well, though I'll be 7 years beyond 48! Congrats!

What month? I'm 11/1.

Thanks! Congrats to you as well. February. DH is 8 years older than me. He used to swear he was never going to retire, but sounds like he's coming around to my way of thinking...

 

[iloveyoga]

My parents never talked about money, but through their actions I saw them take care of it. I can remember them going through the bills together, talking about putting away money for future things, etc. Whenever we got something "major" it always correlated with my mother doing some part time work, to either pay it off or to keep being able to save.

Both were tough (but pleasant) negotiators who were willing to walk away from something if they thought it was too expensive. I remember as a kid going with my Dad when he bought a car (which he only did every 10 years), and we would spend the weekend going to 6-10 dealerships until he found what we wanted at the right price. My mom would do the same at farmers markets.

I never knew how much their income was until I was applying for college financial aid, and i was shocked at how low it was. We were not much above the income poverty level but never felt poor as a kid (I never felt ashamed of wearing hand me downs or only getting one present for Christmas).My starting salary with Megacorp was more than what my dad made at the time. My thought was "if Mom and Dad are making less than me, a house, are raising 7 kids, and never needed government aid, I have got no excuses to screw up financially". That attitude was pervasive through all our my siblings.

The only time my parents ever asked me to help out was a year when 4 of my siblings were in college or graduate school, and they wanted to minimize the loans that would be needed. I happily paid my younger brothers college expenses that year. He has always been grateful for that (he became a doctor, so it was a wise investment ).

My siblings and I do not talk much about money in terms of what we are making. We do talk in terms of LBYM activities, or the occasional splurge (like having a banquet for our mothers 85th birthday) or shared expense (hiring a home aid for our mother) to figure out what we can contribute. Sometimes we have decided to share an expense evenly, sometimes we have decided that folks should pay what they are able to, depending on their situation.

The last big monetary discussion we had was over the proceeds of the sale of our parents house. Our parents had said that if we ever sold it they wanted the daughters to get a high share of the proceeds than the sons. My dad felt that, they way the world was, his daughters might need more monetary support in the long run. We ended up getting a LOT more that we thought, and my sisters actually felt a little uncomfortable with their share, but my brothers and I had no problem with it - this is what our parents wanted, so honor their memory. Our biggest "argument" was over whether one sister who did by far and away the yeomans work of caring for both our dad and mom through their old age and illnesses should get something extra from the proceeds - she was arguing against it, we were arguing for it. Those are good types of family arguments to have.

Your story is very touching. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Unpaintedhuffhines]

With siblings, vague references to money - one couple is doing quite well, one will work until they aren't able to work anymore.

With DW's parents, they're pretty open about finances, mainly because they are proud of what they've accomplished. Staying almost completely out of the market (except for some stock he got for being on a few board of directors), they're in the $12M range. And he's proud that he can live off the interest and still have the accounts grow. My DW will get 1/3 of that, but we just encourage them to spend money however they want. I'm not counting on that, but we do have a plan in case it ever does happen.

Our children always knew that we were doing pretty well. But 18 months ago at the annual family beach vacation, we sat them down and said very specifically how much money we had, used that as at time to encourage them to save early like we did, and anything left over when we were gone was theirs. HOWEVER, we plan to spend that money on family vacations and experiences, not continue to save like misers.

I think the discussion of finances with anyone outside immediate family is risky if you don't have a very close relationship. There is no way to not compare what one family has with another, and one family feeling bad.

 

[sengsational]

Usually not, but there were specific dollar values mentioned between sibs at Thanksgiving, back when we we're calling our 401k accounts "201k". I didn't mention how many dollars I'd "lost", but remember thinking, "I wish I was down only that much", since I was down 5 times that.

 

[socca]

...used that as at time to encourage them to save early like we did...

I tried to have a "advantages of LBYM / early retirement" discussion with a family member. It didn't go well, perhaps because this pretty young lady has already made some life choices that will make LBYM challenging (her college major). No family member ever had such a discussion with me, so I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea. I suppose that living by example and 'stealth teaching' will be more effective than outright lecturing. Unsolicited advice will probably be unwelcome.

 

[target2019]

Think I drove the kids crazy with talk of the value of money.
In their 30's, they now want to talk about it.

 

[kcowan]

tl;dr version: probably more than most, but not as much as we do here.

Yes that sums up our situation too.

Something was said a few weeks ago in a group conversation about the recent stock market volatility and she said, "If it was up to me we wouldn't even invest in the stock market!" Another shell-shock moment for me from my family.

Both MIL and Dad had no investment in equities. And MIL was paying 1% for maintaining a bond portfolio. I eventually took it over along with her income tax filings and saved her a bunch. I made no change to the mix at her request.

I also talk with my mother and stepdad about investment strategies. This is an area where we don’t agree (they are more comfortable with higher risk investment options - trading, limited partnership, etc. than my wife and I are). It is their life and money so I don’t say too much about it.

In my case, no amount of talking about long term returns would change their discomfort with equities.

As someone else mentioned, we've tried to instill some financial discipline in our two kids, but that has seemingly failed miserably to date. We're still hoping for some maturing there, and we keep coaching as the opportunity presents itself. For us, I think the decision to keep private about it is definitely in our best interests.

Yes with my two sons, I said the most important thing is a good-paying job that they like. Then LBYM. Then minimum after tax debt. Then a healthy mix of equities and fixed. It seems to be working.

 

[kimcdougc]

Yes with my DD. She is our executor. No with the DS except he knows when we pass that whatever is left is to be split 50/50. Yes, with my two sisters. They are both bad with money. I try to advise them but they just end up saying, you are so much better with money than we are.

Never ever share money discussions with DH family.

Always watched my mom with pad and pencil in hand going over budget every month. I have been doing my parents finances for over 12 years. (DM is dead for 3 years now.)
DF bought a small life insurance policy of $5,000 to pay for final expenses. He wants top leave us all as much as he can. I tell him not to worry about that, we are all doing ok.

 

[RobbieB]

My Father taught me all I needed to know. Don't spend all you make and save and invest.

 

[travelover]

My Father taught me all I needed to know. Don't spend all you make and save and invest.

.....then blow that dough!

 

[Drake3287]

Interesting question. For me I come from a big family and our parents never had the money to send us to college so most of us simply took a few Community College classes.

I got lucky and landed a decent public employee job which over the years grew into a nice 6 figure salary plus great benefits. Between my pension and savings/investments I'm worth a lot even without real estate counted.

On the other hand all my siblings have lower income service type jobs and barely make it let alone enjoy some of the nicer things in life like traveling and maybe a nice car, etc..

Makes for a awkward situation when we get together such as this upcoming Thanksgiving. I never talk about how much we have nor do I ask anyone else any financial questions. If we go on a nice vacation to Europe for example nothing is even said about our trip and I've learned not to talk about it. Same thing if we drive up in a new car.

My wife and I are very down to earth, humble people but finances can strain a family relationship even if you don't mean of for it to.

 

[LuckyDog]

We have done much better than the others in our families via the Millionaire Next Door route. No discussion with my family other than to say that we do not have to worry about how we will pay the bills. Trust me, there would be resentment if we were at all specific. DW's family does not think that such discussions are polite. We do not discuss specifics with our DD's either. But I have coached them since adolescence about saving and the miracle of compounding interest!

 

[brett]

I saw a newspaper ad this past week for new Cadillacs. I had to the read the financing part twice because I thought that I was imagining the terms.. The payments were over 96 months! Incredible. I hope that it was a misprint. If not, I guess that this is an indication of where some people's heads are at when it comes to personal finance.

 

[medved]

This is an interesting thread. My father was quite bad at money management. He made a good income (and at times a very good income) but usually spent more than he earned, carried high interest credit card balances, etc. He was a very smart guy (Ivy League education, extremely well-read, etc.), but somehow he had a deficit when it came to personal finance. This problem was compounded by his being unusually generous. In his latter years, I bought him a place to live. Otherwise, God only knows what he would have done. He died broke. (But he enjoyed his life).

This background has had considerable influence on me. I made earning a good income and saving a very high priority.

I don't talk with my kids in granular detail about money. Like, for example, I don't tell them what my income is or the amount of our savings. But they know we are relatively well off. I have explained to them the basics of investing and tried to emphasize the importance of saving. I insist that they earn their own spending money and I do not indulge them with luxuries the way some other people in our financial position do. I have, however, paid for their college in full. I have told the kids that they should not count on an inheritance because my wife and I plan to spend a good amount of our money and likely donate most of what is left over to charity. (The charities need the money more than my kids, who have an ability to earn their own money if they care about money).

With other relatives, I do not talk about money in any detail. I earn more and have more than they do, and any conversation about that sort of thing could sound like gloating, which I very much want to avoid. I do on occasion give someone discrete financial advice, but ONLY if they specifically ask me for it.

 

[Redbugdave]

My parents never talked about money or investing either. I knew my father was into municipal bonds and stocks but he never shared any of what he was up to with us. I left home and was on my own and learned about investing on my own. It was sink or swim.

After going through all the other posts, I think it is amazing most of us learned as we did. It is odd that parents may send their kids to college and pay for it and impart all sorts of other knowledge, but neglect to teach one of the most important life skills...money management.

 

[Lienlord]

DW family are very comfortable, and her brother is a successful RE developer. He's included us (and his parents) in many profitable deals over the years. We rarely discuss finances, but do talk about various RE developments that we might have an interest in.
My family are not successful, and we do not discuss our financial status to avoid strife. My parents are retired with pensions & SS that allow them to live comfortably. My siblings may never retire, but have never asked for advice or assistance.
Our sons are adults (25 & 22) and know our plans to FIRE. They sometimes ask about purchases or investments, but think we work too hard with our investments (rentals and flipping houses)! I've already told them we plan to spend our $$ in retirement, but they are on good paths for success. They have learned from us to work hard, save and the joy of delayed gratification.

 

[Rianne]

We had a counseling session with our CPA. He was amazed at how little we spend, but I find on this forum, we spend more than many. Our average annual spending since 2015 is $60K. My DB's, nieces and nephews would be shocked our spending is so little. They do call us cheap sometimes, yet they forget they're our beneficiaries. So, the less we spend, the more they get.

 

[couch]

We don't talk specifics with anyone other than our kids(8 and 10) and all of those conversations are prefaced with warnings that they should keep it to themselves.

I read an article a while back about the habits of wealthy people and one of the things was that they are open when talking finances. Tax strategies, investment advice, etc is how they got wealthy for the most part. I then remember back to when I was talking with two of the wealthiest people I know and they were both very open to discussing their finances and offered to review mine. I should have accepted, maybe I will still.

After reading this article, it makes me think I should offer to review my parents finances. I suspect they are fine because they often say they have more money than they know what to do with. My brother has a great DB pension, my sister is a SINK with a pension. The in-laws.... not my problem.

 

[Drake3287]

We don't talk specifics with anyone other than our kids(8 and 10) and all of those conversations are prefaced with warnings that they should keep it to themselves.

You talk financial specifics with an 8 and 10 year old and then expect them to keep it to themselves? Young children have no need to know the specifics of a families finances, no matter how large or small.