Final arrangements

[GravitySucks]

Bought a double plot and double headstone when DW passed. Told kids to get me a cheap casket, and have the stone guy chisel the end date. Only splurge is I told them I want a real hearse, not the minivan some funeral homes use now.
Organ donor too.

 

[Scrapr]

DH died last year, 6 months after a diagnosis of acute myeloid leukemia, so we had plenty of time to plan. It was blessedly easy (and inexpensive) to go to the local funeral home beforehand, pay up front for cremation, and then hand the funeral home card to the hospice social worker when his time came. So far bits of his ashes have been dropped into the lake behind our house, the Panama Canal, from a ship off the coast of Costa Rica and, just yesterday, in the harbor in Reykjavik, the place we last visited and one of our best trips. (I deposit them in a tissue wrapped with string- all biodegradable.)


My plan is to continue to bring some of DH's ashes in my future travels. When my time comes, which I hope is a few decades from now, what's left of his will be mingled with mine. I haven't really thought about where I want them to go- it will be up to DS..

his is so sweet. I love this plan. Do you mind if I borrow it?

So very sorry for the loss of your DH

 

[athena53]

his is so sweet. I love this plan. Do you mind if I borrow it?

So very sorry for the loss of your DH

Please do- I think someone mentioned that another woman on this Board is doing the same thing. Note, though that some countries have rules about disposal of human remains-a few prohibit cremation and even Iceland requires in-ground burial although you're allowed to cremate and then bury the ashes. So, I'm discreet (the ashes are in a small Gold Bond Medicated Powder bottle in my checked bag) and never mention it to the locals.

One the question on age limits on donation: I do know that when DH and I looked into it he wasn't a candidate because they didn't want emaciated bodies- I guess they wanted normal muscle structure for the med students to dissect.

 

[wmc1000]

Back in the 80's DW and I bought a double plot in a Catholic Cemetery on a BOGO deal. We left that city in the 90's and both want simple cremation, no funeral unless our kids want to do that for their sake. Checked a couple years ago on the plots we bought to find out what going rate is figure we might be able to sell them for half the going rate to recoup cremation costs We are both organ donors too.

 

[Dash man]

My mother made her own plans with the Neptune Society to be cremated and have her ashes spread at sea. What she didn't tell me was I'd never have a chance to say goodbye. I had heard she was close to death from cancer and was four hours away by car. By the time I got to the hospital she was gone. They had taken her body to the cremation site and I never had a chance to say goodbye. No funeral planned either. She didn't want to burden us. That was 1988 and it still bothers me today.
That's why we're planning an in ground burial in a well kept Catholic cemetery with a monument our family can find easily should they choose to. Funerals are for the living. Trying not to be a burden can be done by preplanning with pretty good discounts.

 

[RunningBum]

I have no specific wishes. Cremation is fine with me. I've told my son that if he'd rather have a gravesite to visit, or would prefer ashes to keep, that's good, otherwise he can scatter the ashes in the mountains where I live. Or wherever. To me, it's more of whether the living want a place to mourn or reflect. I can absolutely understand if others want something different for themselves.


IMO, there should be SOME plan, so your loved ones don't have to deal with having to make this decision with no guidance while they are in mourning. I have put something to the effect of what I said above in my note that also has my financial account information, insurance, etc., which I keep in my lockbox at home. My son knows how to access this.

 

[RunningBum]

Dash man, sounds like an extremely productive week! Good work!

 

[ExitLeft]

This article on the subject popped up on the NYTimes site today. Cremation exceeds 50%, due to loosening religious rules and 1/3 the cost of traditional burial.

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/10/...n-region&region=top-news&WT.nav=top-news&_r=0

 

[athena53]

Back in the 80's DW and I bought a double plot in a Catholic Cemetery on a BOGO deal. We left that city in the 90's and both want simple cremation, no funeral unless our kids want to do that for their sake.

Mobility is a problem when you have a fixed grave site or columbarium niche. When Mom was told that the cancer that she'd beaten 8 years earlier had recurred and treatment was unlikely to work, she and Dad talked about what Dad would do after she was gone and together they visited some Independent Living places near my other siblings and chose one. They lived in Myrtle Beach and had columbarium niches at the church they'd attended for 30 years so Mom's ashes were put there. Dad moved about 2.5 hours away 6 months after Mom died. He's OK with that, and his ashes will go next to hers when his time comes,but then they'll be in a place we don't typically go anymore since no one in the family lives there.

Dad has also expressed a wish for his funeral to be in Myrtle Beach even though all his and Mom's friends are dying off or too frail to go out. I suggested to one of my siblings that maybe the funeral should be where most of the family lives, with a short service and gathering up at the church at the columbarium, which could be done months later when the plaque has been engraved with his name. It's complicated!

I read the NYT article- wow, what the guy in the picture saved on in-ground burial went for a $30K granite bench!

Oh,yeah- this is getting long but I have to add a bit on what the funeral industry is doing to upsell those of us who chose cremation. Fancy urns, of course (I didn't get one), but they'll also take a digital version of one of the loved one's fingerprints and put it on anything from a hunting knife to a Zippo lighter. I chose a silver charm, which I keep on a chain around my neck with our wedding rings. I said no to the tchotchkes containing a few ashes of the loved one- the glass paperweight with some ashes dyed pretty colors and swirled into a tasteful design was $485 plus tax. Other items included a locket and a little glass vial with cremains sealed in it that you could wear around your neck. Not my thing, but I guess some people go for them.

 

[Dash man]

Dash man, sounds like an extremely productive week! Good work!

Ended the week by installing a new dishwasher too!
We actually now have an appointment with the cemetery on Wednesday to pick the plot, coffins and stone. We're also buying a single columbarium spot for DW's late husband. After 33 years it's about time! DW's former MIL (now deceased) kept half the ashes and gave DW the other half. DW is contacting her former sister in law so the ashes can be combined in put in the columbarium. Then she'll bring her son and DIL to show him and let him say goodbye. He was only two years old when his dad passed.

 

[Dash man]

I know the Catholic Church allows cremation, but the remains do have to be interred in a columbarium or buried. If buried it has to be in a concrete vault as does a casket. The Church still prefers in ground burial. So that's what we chose and are paying for everything up front so the kids only have to make the calls to the cemetery, the funeral home and the church. I don't know how much if ever they will visit. My son lives across the country, so I doubt much if ever. But at least he has a choice. DW's family is closer and some are buried in the same cemetery that we chose.

 

[Nemo2]

a locket and a little glass vial with cremains sealed in it that you could wear around your neck.

DW turns 65 in October........her expressed 'hope' is that I'll last long enough so that "We can go out together"..........I have extreme doubts about that, and want her to be receptive to a new partnership after I'm gone, (something she currently says she won't do)......and the very last thing she needs is to have my remains hanging around her neck like the Ancient Mariner's albatross. Yuk.

 

[Dash man]

DW turns 65 in October........her expressed 'hope' is that I'll last long enough so that "We can go out together"..........I have extreme doubts about that, and want her to be receptive to a new partnership after I'm gone, (something she currently says she won't do)......and the very last thing she needs is to have my remains hanging around her neck like the Ancient Mariner's albatross. Yuk.

DW and I are both 61, and I'd prefer we went at the same time too. But if she goes first, I'll want to visit her burial site regularly. She's my rock and I'll still need to talk to her. I know it's only her remains with a memorial monument, but I can pray and talk to her while feeling close to her, at least until I join her in heaven. She feels the same.
We've talked a lot about our feelings and wishes, so we're making the right choice for us.

 

[Nemo2]

DW and I are both 61, and I'd prefer we went at the same time too.

DW is 10 years and 3 weeks younger than me, so barring a joint fatality of some kind, I fear that our odds aren't too great.

But if she goes first, I'll want to visit her burial site regularly. She's my rock and I'll still need to talk to her. I know it's only her remains with a memorial monument, but I can pray and talk to her while feeling close to her, at least until I join her in heaven. She feels the same.
We've talked a lot about our feelings and wishes, so we're making the right choice for us.

We all face things in our own way, and have our own methods of generating comfort; as I've noted vis-a-vis travel methodology, I only say what works for us, I don't advocate that others adopt the same approaches.

When my late wife died at age 52 she was skeletal above the waist and below the waist, due to edema, ballooning to the point where her legs were splitting like sausages.

The funeral director, (she was cremated), asked if I wanted "A final viewing"........I told him no, what was there wasn't her, she wasn't there anymore, she'd gone......(although I did take some of her ashes to Arizona, and I have many memories).

 

[shortstop14]

Organ donor, and then cremation. Scatter the ashes on a baseball field - that's where I've spent a significant part of my life.

But I need to look into body donation to a medical school before cremation, that seems like a worthwhile thing to do.

 

[kcowan]

I have selected the finest Ziploc bag for my ashes and a high quality cardboard container.

Have not decided where they shall be disposed of. One possibility is an area in the PV Botanical Gardens that they are developing for that purpose. We will see. We do not value a planted area with granite tombstones. My parents are in such a facility. My brother joined them after cremation. He had a nice urn that we buried.

 

[RunningBum]

I have selected the finest Ziploc bag for my ashes and a high quality cardboard container.

I suggest splurging on a freezer bag.

 

[Gumby]

I once did a burial at sea when I was in the Navy. The cremains, which were in my custody from the time we left port until we got out to sea and dumped them over the side, were in a simple plastic bag with a wire twist-tie, inside a cardboard box about the same size and shape as a box of cereal.

 

[TJFogelberg]

MN

ecremationmn.com

Enrolled and paid for online. Cost $745...funds in a bank funeral trust account.

Carry contact info in wallet and on fridge "just in case".

Illegal to scatter remains on public property in MN. (Haven't solved that piece yet.)

 

[jebmke]

I suggest splurging on a freezer bag.

The cryogenic route -- just in case they find a way to reassemble the ashes and reanimate. Smart.

We are also going the "flic a bic" route. No plans for the ashes.

 

[RunningBum]

The cryogenic route -- just in case they find a way to reassemble the ashes and reanimate. Smart.

Maybe it's the bourbon I'm sipping, but that made me laugh!

 

[athena53]

DW turns 65 in October........her expressed 'hope' is that I'll last long enough so that "We can go out together"..........I have extreme doubts about that, and want her to be receptive to a new partnership after I'm gone, (something she currently says she won't do)......and the very last thing she needs is to have my remains hanging around her neck like the Ancient Mariner's albatross. Yuk.

Everyone is different. One woman in my Grief Support Group wore a locket with some of her Dad's ashes when she married because it made her feel like he was there. I'm open to another good relationship (not marriage) and I wear DH's and my rings and the charm with DH's fingerprints on a chain around my neck. I can tuck it inside my shirt on a first date but my hope is that a good man will understand that DH is never going to disappear from my memory. He'll also have to walk past the box of DH's ashes, wrapped in one of his old flannel shirts, on my mantel.

I agree, though, that for me the vial of ashes around the neck would be too much, and would understand if a prospective date thought so, too.

 

[Dash man]

We ended up bucking the trend of cremation and bought two burial plots in a beautiful location surrounded by shrubs, and we can plant our own perennial flowering shrubs if we want. It has a monument and a bench. It was expensive but we did negotiate the price down $3,000. Our decision was based on the time between each of our passing. We felt the need for a more private setting because we'd visit each other until we're both buried in there. We know our souls will be in heaven, but that precious time one of us is left behind will allows to visit the grave. Fortunately we can afford it. We are going inexpensive with the coffin and other expenses.

 

[FIREd]

I have asked to be cremated, and for my ashes to be dispersed at a specific location on my ancestral land. I have also asked for a small stone (no marble headstone, just a rock) to be placed there to mark the spot (this was decided at other people's request, so they would have a place to come "visit").

 

[braumeister]

We ended up bucking the trend of cremation and bought two burial plots in a beautiful location surrounded by shrubs, and we can plant our own perennial flowering shrubs if we want. It has a monument and a bench.

Good for you.
This just shows the wide diversity among us on this topic. At one extreme, the cremate and scatter crowd (including me) and your choice near the other end.

We have a famous old cemetery around here where many prominent people are buried, often with very impressive monuments. It's basically a beautiful park and a very pleasant place for a walk. There are even 5K races in it on occasion. Everyone loves the place and we're glad to have it.