For those who have successful children

[Apache]

First time poster here.

Two children's, boy and girl. Girl is worth 20/30 million, Boy, he is mowing lawns. Both late 30's early 40's. Both have worked their asses off. She graduated college, he decided otherwise.

Keeping it short here.

Both kid's have different personalities. They either have it or they don't.

I taught them both the same.

Your born with it....some just don't get the right genes IMO.

Love my son, and I'll never let him sleep in a ditch or the cold....My daughter, she's my daughter and love her no less or nor more than my son.

Both Wonderful people...They own their lot in life and both drive 10 year old cars....just like me.

As long as you have enough and know what is enough....your good.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Joylush]

I think that if parents have a "successful" child, it is human nature to think it is because of what they did. So if they made their kids pay for part of college, then that was very important to the success. And, yet, I know plenty of parents who paid for every penny for their children (some even buying them a house to live in during school) and the kids were very successful. And, some who had their kids pay for part of school and the kids are not.

I have seen many situations where children were relatively close in age and were raised similarly and yet one ended up successfully and the other lived with constant disaster.

I certainly think that it is good for parents to reflect their values in how they raise their children. But, I think the impact of all of that and parents in general is far more limited than people think.

A couple of years ago my kids seemed to be struggling. They didn't know what they wanted to do. The one who had a degree in a high paying field didn't want to work in that field. The one without a degree had trouble finding full time work that paid a living wage. Now? They are doing great. The one with a degree is working in a totally different field, but loving it. The one without a degree makes more money than most college graduates of the same age.

Is any of this because of what I did? If I take "credit" for that should I take "blame" for when they struggled? Will it continue? I don't know. But, I think in the end it has more to do with them than anything else.

You are spot on!

 

[Apache]

OMG....posted on wrong post..

Sorry yall

 

[rkser]

This is what happened in our case, just one data point.

Our parents paid for up to my MD, my job was to just go to school & get good grades the best I could. I and DW decided to do the same for our kids.

We had 529 Plans for both of them, along with scholarships took care of most of their tuition & board. We used to supplement prn - Christmas, Birthdays & Summer. Although we expected them not to work ($7/hr jobs) & put that time into school, they did work few hours here & there along with their friends.
One has a MD, married (to MD) doing quite well, other one works at a University as a Director of his section & is completing his masters. They kind of knew Graduate level education was expected of them.

At times it is like pay now or pay later, I would prefer pay now & get done. I see world is quite competitive out there, so the better they can prepare themselves the better. At the same time I see many kids working jobs & doing vey well at school too, to each their own.

Although I think Luck & circumstances play a part in a students life, I think those growing years are important & they need to focus on school, they have all life to work.

My 2 cents

 

[gooddog]

Your kids are at the age where they will understand the links to success if explained to them. Explaining that taking the right classes and doing well leads to getting accepted to a university that has a program they are interested in. Explaining that making goals and setting habits lead to accomplishment. The most important thing your kids have going for them is the fact that you are interested enough to ask: "What advice would you give to parents?". Involved parents is the single most important thing.

 

[papaof2]

Start reading to them when they are infants (perhaps a bit late ;-) Lap time plus a book (paper or ebook) associates books with pleasure and that makes for enthusiastic readers and students - they want to learn. Involve them in household maintenance - kids in single digit ages can dust the baseboards much more easily than their parents because they are closer to the ground.

Get them interested in cooking so they won't starve if no resaturants or other eateries are open (as during Covid19 lockdowns). Three-year-olds can help with simple cooking such as "7 Layer Bars" which start with "Dump and spread a cup of". Move on up to other things - making sandwiches, sharing pie - oldest cuts, youngest gets first choice and most engineers would have been hard-pressed to determine which slice was bigger ;-) 10 and 12 could be making chocolate chip cookies - which almost all kids love, other than the "Daddy, it's too hard to stir!" - and could move on up to bigger things. Our younger daughter was our "kitchen chemist" when she was in high school because my wife and I were both working. We challenged her with making "Scarborough Fair" chicken - the refrain has "parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme" - and the first attempt was edible. The second attempt was "Make it again!" However, even she can't prepare turnip greens that I can manage more than one bite of :-(

Get them interested in music - it helps with math and other skills.

Give them challenging toys and games. We gave the oldest granddaughter Lincoln Logs when she was six and she spent the day building all their designs then built her own designs. When that granddaughter was eight, I got "Are you sure?" from my wife about the "50-in-1 Electronics Experiment Kit" but it ended up being kept in her "Holy of Holies" for toys: under her bed. Her younger sister liked all the experiments that made noise ;-)

Have the kids involved in household maintenance - sweeping, mopping, running the vacuum, atking out the garbage. Have them do things with long-term rewards: a tomato plant or some potatoes or <whatever> in a 5 gallon bucket takes minimal space (even if you're in an apartment) and requires regular care but there's nothing quite like the "Those are my tomatoes!" when their efforts turn up on the table. If you're a handyperson, involve them with changing the furnace filter, replacing a doorknob or any other thing they can help with.

Both our daughters have Master's degrees. One is an engineer; the other manages the library at a state university. They earned those degrees with a some scholarship help (being involved in community events and the high school band were pluses to being near the top of their classes) and on- and off-campus jobs plus the occasional "Can you cover my car insurance this time?"

Our kids knew we supported them in whatever they wanted to do but that we expected them to do their best at whatever they attempted. My opinion is that the biggest limitation on most kids is the lack of expectations the adults around them have.

 

[jjbychko]

Invest your time

From the day they started school I always worked with them on their homework. Essentially every night. Also emphasized the importance of school attendance. Never took them out of school early for vacation or sporting events. I had three kids all graduated college, two engineers one teacher. I paid for their education so they could concentrate on their studies.

 

[Caskem]

Simple. Read all of John Rosemond’s books. He is a traditionalist child psychologist.

 

[Travelfreek]

1. Love them, treat them with respect, and prioritize your time with them. Teach them the importance of being honest and to follow through with commitments. If you make mistakes with them, own up to it. My husband and I worked full time all those years but I was off by 3:30 pm to pick them up from day care and get them to activities. They were in soccer, swim team, scouts, etc. Not too much at once.
2. Be consistent for them. We bought a house in a good public school district/city and they had a great experience growing up with school and many activities. We had a girl, then boy, just a year apart - same birthday. They were always close. We love(d) being parents. We expected them to get As and Bs in school. They were capable. We did pay them for As as an incentive.
3. Our daughter got her BS in Nursing, our son a BS and Masters in Accounting. Both went to a State University (same one) 9 hours south of us. They were there 5 years each. We budgeted for it. They paid for car insurance and gas and extras.
4. They both started working summers after freshman year of high school as Lifeguards/swim instructors. It was a GREAT job because all their co-workers were high school kids from good families. They saved that money for 1/2 of first car. They also saved for spending money in college. They worked every summer during college as well.
5. They both did well in careers (daughter is working per diem once a week as a nurse while raising her little girls) (son is now in private equity and is very happy with that after trying the accounting thing at a Big 4 firm (not for him). We LOVE them dearly and chat on the phone frequently. They each live a distance from us (daughter married career Navy officer and lives in Louisiana currently w/ 2 daughters) and son lives in San Diego w/ his wife of 2 years.
6. We love to vacation with them and meet up on holidays. We have 2 granddaughters so far. Our kids also get along very well. We are thankful.
7. Budgeting for college for them was a high priority as my husband and I had to pay for every penny of our college. My husband got a BSEE and had a successful career as an engineer/construction mgr. I worked in federal and state govt (after 3 years of college - no bachelors).
8. They are both smart with money, but not obsessed. They believe in work/life balance.

 

[meleana]

Our son beats to a different drum but has been on his own since graduating college in another state from where we lived. He never came home.

We did tell him he had to go to college. He went for Meteorology but couldn’t cut the chemistry and math classes- hated them- so he switched to Communications in his second year. Told him he had to graduate within 4 years no matter what. So he took a few extra credits on breaks and summer to make it happen.

He worked any kind of job so he could stay on his own. After college he worked on a horse ranch for room and board, for example. Also a security guard in a drug store. A cashier. Etc.

I did have to write him a letter after a year or two of his foundering explaining as softly as possible that he needed to get a “real” job with health insurance, etc. He felt we were disappointed in him after reading it so we had to do some damage control with that, but it worked. He landed the job he has to this day, 11 years later.

He now works hard- 7 days per week and long hours- the full time job he commutes to each day, and then weekends as a bartender at a brewery, which is his passion.

We consider him successful because he lives his life his way not ours. He’s a good person and well liked. Practical, yet ethereal. Lol!

Growing up we set boundaries. Ex: No cell phone until the second half of his senior year in high school. We bought the phone for his birthday and he paid the monthly charge. Made him apply for a work permit at age 16, got him an old Corolla for free, (put on our insurance) and had him get a part time job after school and weekends and school breaks. Summer he worked mostly full time hours.

When he was young enrolled him in Boy Scouts and when he got sick of it we made him at least earn his Life Scout badge.

College he worked part time for spending money. We did not give him any, but we did pay for his education. If he got below a C in a course, he had to pay for the course. Stuff like that. He didn’t want to pursue a Masters degree. If he did we told him he would have to pay for it.

He is an only child. We did take him traveling with us everywhere to expose him to different places and people, airports, etc. We made sure his grandparents (and other extended family)were very involved in his life growing up. This exposed him to traditions in our Italian family.

We taught him manners and respect. Wrong from right despite the craziness in the world. Honesty. We did expose him to church and getting confirmed (Catholic). We celebrated the religious holidays like Christmas and Easter. We encouraged him to be creative and to explore things he was attracted to.

He doesn’t make big bucks but he gets by very well. He does not own a home and has no desire to. He said he’s never home anyway. He has old used furniture and lives in an apartment that has no closets as it was part of a dance studio at one time. It’s never been painted or updated in all the years he’s lived there or prior to that even. He keeps it clean and neat, though. Has to use the coin laundry in the bldg. Has had 3 steady girlfriends in the past but didn’t work out. He’s 33 years old.

Most of all we always told him we loved him and still do.

 

[NXR7]

What was the secret? What advice would you give to parents? We have a 10 and 12 yrs old kids. TIA

Two kids in their late 20's, both doing well. Both have double majors in real majors that were marketable.

Neither my wife or I went to college but we always told our kids they were going to college. They once told us that they never knew they had an option to not do so. My sister's kids, on the other hand, never went to college and are working low-paying retail jobs and are a bit older. One once told us all they were told was that they could never afford college. Expectations and reinforcement are very important. Make it the right ones for them.

Our gift to them was fully-paid degrees. We wanted them to leave college with zero debt. We started saving for them in Fidelity's Contrafund when they were both 3 months old. Not a lot each month but it really did build up. But college cost far more than our worst case estimate so we had to throw in more money at the end. This allowed them to focus on their studies rather than have to work to pay for schooling. They both told us they had no idea what a great gift it was until they saw their roommates working two and three jobs and stressing about whether they could afford to come back the next semester. We took that stress away but insisted they both double major.

We also NEVER harped on them about homework. They could do it any way they wanted, they could listen or watch anything they wanted, as long as they did not cheat and they never turned in a late assignment. Essentially they were allowed to work to the goal as they saw fit.

We emphasized that making excuses is NEVER acceptable NEVER. When one started to make an excuse we shut it right down. Adults always take personal responsibility and accountability. When one made a major error at their job and thought they were going to lose their job, which was likely, they said they started to make an excuse, stopped, and totally took ownership of the error. Their manager leaned back in their chair and told them that that was the only response that could ever have saved their job. They went on with that company for a few more years.

We taught them that it is very important to "give away the credit". ALWAYS credit people who helped you while minimizing your role.

When someone takes credit for your idea, especially if they are your manager, just suck it up and press on. Other people, people who matter, will figure it out and know what happened and who did it. It can never reflect well on you if you complain about this. If it keeps happening, just move on.

We taught the them the concept of OPM: Other People's Money. They never really got it until one needed extra money for an overseas summer college project. We encouraged them to apply for a grant. They said they could never get it. We explained that many grants just have a few applicants so they applied. They were awarded a grant of almost half the trip's cost. Once they got over the shock of not having to ever pay it back, they finally understood OPM and that there are people and organizations that will invest in you if you have potential.

When you work for someone, you work for them under their rules. If you want to make the rules, be the employer and not the employee. If you cannot ethically do something you've been told to do, cut them loose and move on.

 

[drcha]

great posts

What a bunch of great posts are here. It makes me smile to see this thread. Hats off to all you persistent parents out there.

 

[RobLJ]

I have no clue. Both of ours are very different and successful. One is a wine maker and the other a programmer.

We tried to let them cultivate their interests and I let them read anything in my library that they were interested in (I'm a lit prof.); both of them liked the sci-fi the most although the younger liked American lit also (and some Dickens).

But I have no clue. If I knew, I would write a book and maybe make a 1000 or so.

(I think it maybe had something to do with us, but more to do with them. And you have to define successful. For my twin who was learning disabled and very ill, just having a job was highly "successful" so I try to keep it in perspective. What kind of human beings are they, to others?
"For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?" I see my ParentalUnit the minister had great influence, even though we butted heads on theology. Hee; hee. )

 

[Safire]

Start reading to them when they are infants (perhaps a bit late ;-) Lap time plus a book (paper or ebook) associates books with pleasure and that makes for enthusiastic readers and students - they want to learn. Involve them in household maintenance - kids in single digit ages can dust the baseboards much more easily than their parents because they are closer to the ground.

Get them interested in cooking so they won't starve if no resaturants or other eateries are open (as during Covid19 lockdowns). Three-year-olds can help with simple cooking such as "7 Layer Bars" which start with "Dump and spread a cup of". Move on up to other things - making sandwiches, sharing pie - oldest cuts, youngest gets first choice and most engineers would have been hard-pressed to determine which slice was bigger ;-) 10 and 12 could be making chocolate chip cookies - which almost all kids love, other than the "Daddy, it's too hard to stir!" - and could move on up to bigger things. Our younger daughter was our "kitchen chemist" when she was in high school because my wife and I were both working. We challenged her with making "Scarborough Fair" chicken - the refrain has "parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme" - and the first attempt was edible. The second attempt was "Make it again!" However, even she can't prepare turnip greens that I can manage more than one bite of :-(

Get them interested in music - it helps with math and other skills.

Give them challenging toys and games. We gave the oldest granddaughter Lincoln Logs when she was six and she spent the day building all their designs then built her own designs. When that granddaughter was eight, I got "Are you sure?" from my wife about the "50-in-1 Electronics Experiment Kit" but it ended up being kept in her "Holy of Holies" for toys: under her bed. Her younger sister liked all the experiments that made noise ;-)

Have the kids involved in household maintenance - sweeping, mopping, running the vacuum, atking out the garbage. Have them do things with long-term rewards: a tomato plant or some potatoes or <whatever> in a 5 gallon bucket takes minimal space (even if you're in an apartment) and requires regular care but there's nothing quite like the "Those are my tomatoes!" when their efforts turn up on the table. If you're a handyperson, involve them with changing the furnace filter, replacing a doorknob or any other thing they can help with.

Both our daughters have Master's degrees. One is an engineer; the other manages the library at a state university. They earned those degrees with a some scholarship help (being involved in community events and the high school band were pluses to being near the top of their classes) and on- and off-campus jobs plus the occasional "Can you cover my car insurance this time?"

Our kids knew we supported them in whatever they wanted to do but that we expected them to do their best at whatever they attempted. My opinion is that the biggest limitation on most kids is the lack of expectations the adults around them have.

I wish I had known you when my autistic son was 2 and all around me were negative, discouraging and absolutely pessimistic.

Better late than never, I guess. Take a bow (or 3), sir!

 

[67walkon]

When my first child was born 41 years ago, I asked this question of an older friend who had great kids. His answer was "wrestle with them on the floor and tell them you love them".

I have 3 successful, well adjusted, reasonably happy kids. We took them to church. We modeled good behavior and made it clear we expected the same from them. We told them we loved them. Often. We listened. We forgave. We weren't pig headed. We had expectations. There were ups and downs. The kids have done great. Above all, convince them they are loved.

 

[samcat]

Our boys are 26 and 23.

Some things I can think of. There are quite a few here but I want to say that we were far from perfect parents. We made lots of mistakes and I have lots of regrets but both boys have turned out okay so it is okay to make mistakes and not be perfect parents.
______

Some of the things I think we did right.

We trusted them. Never searched their phones. Never tracked them.

Asked lots of questions. Starting when they were young. "What homework do you have?" Started that early so that in high school when we asked, it wouldn't be new.

Always were interested in their lives. Asked questions about their friends. Not nosey. Just interested. Even as adults, they tell me about their friends and other things they know I will be interested in. One 36 year old guy from their high school is going to the Olympics in rugby and our older son shared the FB post with me because he knew I would be interested.

We didn't give them cars so they had to ask for the keys to use our cars. That way we could ask where they were going without being nosey. No leaving without saying goodbye.

Listen to them. I signed our nine year old up for little league and didn't tell him because it was always months before the season started and he would say he didn't want to do it. When I told him he was signed up a few weeks before practice began, he said he didn't want to play because it was 90% standing around and only 10% fun. I looked at him surprised and said okay. How could I argue with that!

We ate dinner together most of the time.

We had a fabulous babysitter. We're still in touch with her and I tell the boys what she is doing and they care about her.

Our kids didn't get phones until 8th grade graduation. At least the oldest. The youngest got his in April of his 8th grade year because he was going on a class trip and I wanted him to be connected. It is good to be flexible.

I was always worried about being a helicopter mom. Well guess what? I went too far the other way and especially with the oldest, became too disconnected. I got worried I would lose my boys to their girlfriends or someday, their wives. I talked to a therapist who said I need to tell them what I need (like I need them to spend more than a few hours at Thanksgiving). They can't read my mind. I told our oldest that I was seeing a therapist and she told me I need to tell them that I'm going to be more involved in their lives and that I haven't been involved because I was worried about being a helicopter mom. Our oldest told me I was the least helicopter mom he knew. I get tears when I think about it.

I went through a horrible period of menopause. I was not a good mom for probably four years. I still have so many regrets. I apologized to both boys a couple years ago. I'm sure they have bad memories of my yelling but at least they know I recognize it was bad and am sorry about it. Recognize when you make mistakes and apologize.

Teach them to respect people. If they had a teacher they didn't like, we talked about it and I told them we had to figure out how to deal with the situation. They are going to run into people their whole life who they don't agree with and need to know how to deal with them.

We taught them to respond when spoken to. It always drove me crazy when I would say hi to kids I knew and they wouldn't even look at me. I told our kids that they didn't have to have a conversation with someone but they needed to look them in the eye and say hi or acknowledge them. This included friends of mine or the parents of their friends or other adults they knew. It is the polite thing to do.

And last, I taught them family is important. Their grandparents email them. I told them they don't have to reply with an essay but they need to acknowledge their emails with a few sentences. Sometimes our youngest will reply with one word which isn't ideal but at least they know he read their email. Our oldest lives nearby. He makes every family event. Birthdays, anniversaries for my 85 year old parents, Mother's and Father's Day, when family from out of town visit, etc. And if he is going to be out of town, he calls to arrange an alternate get together. I have told him how much I appreciate that he makes all these events.

And the last, last thing is that we don't push what we want on our kids. We are flexible. Our youngest moved 2000 miles away. We never once thought about telling him he couldn't move. Our oldest is going to be gone for his birthday. We'll celebrate another time. Our youngest may want to spend Christmas with his girlfriend. Okay. Not ideal but we will celebrate a couple days late when he can be here We let them live their lives.

Again, we were not perfect parents and did a lot wrong. These are the things I think we did right.

 

[ragabnh]

It is genetics, my brother is a failure and was homeless at a certain point, and I was very successful in my career with an engineering degree.
My son is an engineer and we took care of him really well, I paid for his out of state college $260k for his degree, bought him a Lexus when he was a sophomore and now he is very responsible and successful in his career , I just offered to buy him a house and he refused and said that he wants to do it on his own, he is 24 and graduated from college at age 21

 

[big-papa]

It is genetics, my brother is a failure and was homeless at a certain point, and I was very successful in my career with an engineering degree.
My son is an engineer and we took care of him really well, I paid for his out of state college $260k for his degree, bought him a Lexus when he was a sophomore and now he is very responsible and successful in his career , I just offered to buy him a house and he refused and said that he wants to do it on his own, he is 24 and graduated from college at age 21

I, too believe that there is a large random component to all of this. As I noted upstream, I have 10 siblings who were all raised the same as I was with a large range of outcomes. It will always be a combination of Nature, Nurture, Random. Kids aren't computers that you program for 18 years and then hit "run"....

 

[target2019]

What was the secret? What advice would you give to parents? We have a 10 and 12 yrs old kids. TIA

My second take on your question follows. In addition to guiding the child through sufficient education, I would add that the parent's mold may not fit properly. Our two children are very different, and not real close in age. What was easy and simple for one did not go down well with the other. In the moment it is very difficult for those involved to accept individuality.

 

[Librarian]

Good foundation

Unconditional love
High expectations w/o pressure (academics)
Chores
High school--our students were all good students who were very involved in school. They really didn't have time for part-time jobs (as DH & I did in HS). We told them that their "job" was to get good grades & set themselves up for college scholarships. They did their jobs well!

Teach them that experiences are far more valuable than stuff.
Teach them to put away $ every month--the power of compound interest per se.

ENJOY them. We had family game night (board games) regularly from a young age. We even did a family game night this last Xmas when 2 were home--the other one zoomed in! They INSIST on this family time every time we are together. We TRULY enjoy each other's company.

YOU ARE their greatest role models. Sometimes you may not even realize what you are teaching them!
Our children are crazy compassionate--we were stunned how our oldest became a protector of a Down's Syndrome student in his Kindergarten class. We didn't teach him that directly, but clearly we were doing something right.
DH & I are blessed with a very strong wonderful relationship. The kids see it & say we are their relationship role model. Again--we are so blessed. We truly enjoy one another's company & enjoy many of the same activities.

DS26 has his master's--unfortunately COVID gutted his career choice, so while he is working, he is considering other directions.

DD23 is working FT for a dance studio that she started working at sophomore year of college when it opened. She is the owner's right hand girl. She is crazy smart & ambitious, a goal-setting philanthropist who wants to save the world. She is MUCH harder on herself than we ever were.

DS20 is about to start his junior year at state college (the other 2 went to TCU & LOVED it) in finance. College during COVID (via Zoom) was not his fav!

MOST IMPORTANTLY--raise GOOD PEOPLE. This is FAR more important than success. We want them happy--and yes, be able to pay their bills!

 

[frances]

Be there. Always.

You've got TONS of replies already, but I'll toss in my two cents.
Be there. ALWAYS.
And don't let the kids run the house.
Learn to say "no" and stick to it.
"if your friends jumped off the roof of a building would you?" was a regular question at our house.
Encourage your kids to THINK FOR THEMSELVES and not be sheeple.
Encourage them to reason out what is a good or bad situation (with your guidance, of course).
Show them (gently) why and education of some kind (trades are great, especially now) is always a good idea and working at Taco Bell is not a career choice.
Engage your kids in conversations constantly.
It really kills me to see moms or dads someplace with kids and the parents have pacified the kids with screens these days. It's no wonder people just don't know how to talk to each other anymore....

We have grown sons, 32 and 30. Both are engineers. One a chem-e from Georgia Tech, the other an E-E from Auburn. Both are doing very well to date. We made a decision to NOT take the most high-paying jobs that would put either of us out of town on a regular basis or put either of us working long a horrible hours. We both had very comfortable jobs in IT (I'm retired, husband is still working). We were both there for the boys and encouraged them in most everything they did. Oh sure, there were bumps along the way, and they snuck around behind us and tried stuff, but they knew the consequences in doing so. And subsequently paid those consequences.
And when our kids were in elementary, middle and high school my philosophy was "guilty until proven innocent". If they came up in trouble they knew that I would believe the school first over them, because I didn't feel I was going to be getting contacted by the school unless they were doing something they shouldn't have been. As a result I rarely got contacted for misdeeds. But when I did get contacted it was rather serious, and the boys knew they were in trouble. Things were was remedied to the satisfaction of the school and never recurred.
So set boundaries and stick to them, be a team in raising your kids, and above all be there for your kids.

 

[EastWest Gal]

Unconditional love
High expectations w/o pressure (academics)
Chores
High school--our students were all good students who were very involved in school. They really didn't have time for part-time jobs (as DH & I did in HS). We told them that their "job" was to get good grades & set themselves up for college scholarships. They did their jobs well!

Teach them that experiences are far more valuable than stuff.
Teach them to put away $ every month--the power of compound interest per se.

ENJOY them. We had family game night (board games) regularly from a young age. We even did a family game night this last Xmas when 2 were home--the other one zoomed in! They INSIST on this family time every time we are together. We TRULY enjoy each other's company.

YOU ARE their greatest role models. Sometimes you may not even realize what you are teaching them!
Our children are crazy compassionate--we were stunned how our oldest became a protector of a Down's Syndrome student in his Kindergarten class. We didn't teach him that directly, but clearly we were doing something right.
DH & I are blessed with a very strong wonderful relationship. The kids see it & say we are their relationship role model. Again--we are so blessed. We truly enjoy one another's company & enjoy many of the same activities.

DS26 has his master's--unfortunately COVID gutted his career choice, so while he is working, he is considering other directions.

DD23 is working FT for a dance studio that she started working at sophomore year of college when it opened. She is the owner's right hand girl. She is crazy smart & ambitious, a goal-setting philanthropist who wants to save the world. She is MUCH harder on herself than we ever were.

DS20 is about to start his junior year at state college (the other 2 went to TCU & LOVED it) in finance. College during COVID (via Zoom) was not his fav!

MOST IMPORTANTLY--raise GOOD PEOPLE. This is FAR more important than success. We want them happy--and yes, be able to pay their bills!

This resonates with me. Success is not what is in the bank account. Ask Jeffrey Epstein...oh wait...

If you adopt too much of a hands off sink or swim approach, some kids will end up sinking and drowning. Having integrity, being accountable and keeping one's word, is far more an indicator of success than $$. Modeling successful behavior works better than telling your kids what to do. Don't be a hypocrite.

I had a couple of part time jobs during college, but commuting by bus and BART an hour each way left little time for work, and I took summer classes as well to fulfill major and pre-med requirements. DS was way too busy in HS to work-marching band, bowling team, musical theater. Double major in college; he took 23 units one semester and organized his calendar down to the minute to get through, and took summer courses as well. DS's aspirations to be a teacher means there will be times of hard work and too many hours but time off to regroup and recharge as well. The people in my life that have made the most difference were my teachers, especially high school through residency. He will not make millions at his job. That's OK, since his investments probably will. He will make a positive difference in someone's life. That is more a mark of success than a job paying you far more than you need to live life on your terms.

 

[frances]

one last note:
We never had our kids work during college. Our thoughts on that: School should be their first and foremost responsibility. They did have co-op semesters, but when school was in, school was the focus. Oh sure, one of the boys got teased by his "friends" because mom and dad provided everything, but for us the focus needed to be on studies, not "I need to go to work, I'm late for work, I have to get to work" rather than school.
School WAS their job.

 

[Oakster]

Don't give them everything they ask for. Make them pay for a portion of their higher education...summer jobs, scholarships, or grants. They need to have some skin in the game starting at age 16...if they are athletes, you can relax a bit, but only in the off season.

This is a major portion of it. Dont be their friend, be their parent. We had our kids doing odd jobs and earning money as soon as it was safe for them to do so. They shove snow for their grandparents (for free), the help around the house and do a majority of the yard work (age appropriate and for free). No allowance for helping around the house. That is just what is expected of a family unit. We kept them involved in the things they wanted to do pursue and encouraged them but we also encouraged self motivated odd jobs like snow shoveling, dog poop clean up, babysitting, dog sitting, dog walking or just about anything they want to do to earn money. We also tried to encourage their involvement in community involvement work like Relay for Life, 4th of July activities or anything they can volunteer for.

Teach them through experience what you want them to know, like compassion and care for people, holding a job, how to manage money, saving for what you want (living below your means). The good things are earned and stuff isnt free.

All of my kids have purchased their own cars, paid to maintain their own cars, bought their own gas, tires etc. We have paid their insurance. We pay their cell phone until they want big data plans, then it becomes their bill. We buy a basic plan and they learn how to live within it. If they need more, then it is on them to "leave the nest" in regards to cell phone plans.

My daughter started saving for college at about 8th grade. It was just general saving at the time. She bought her own car for $1000 and drove it for 3 years. She had made enough improvements to it mechanically that it sold for $1500 when she upgraded to go to college. She left for college with $40,000 of her own money saved in the bank. She also gets the state sponsored Hathaway scholarship in Wyoming so that will reduce her costs even more. We will help her if she needs it but she loves working and is doing well in school. I dont think she will need our help

All three of our kids are different and took different routes. Different parenting tactics were successful with each child. The goal is to not for them into anything, but lead them through the beginner version of what life will bring. Teach them that the world is full of opportunity and they live in a country that would provide the environment for them to be successful beyond their dreams. They need to stay out of trouble and be aggressive in going after what they want, in both work and play.

Let them fall and skin their knees, they need to taste failure and success.

Love and support (not bankroll) them through their journey.

 

[friar1610]

And when our kids were in elementary, middle and high school my philosophy was "guilty until proven innocent". If they came up in trouble they knew that I would believe the school first over them, because I didn't feel I was going to be getting contacted by the school unless they were doing something they shouldn't have been. As a result I rarely got contacted for misdeeds. But when I did get contacted it was rather serious, and the boys knew they were in trouble. Things were was remedied to the satisfaction of the school and never recurred.

My mother was a teacher. On the occasions that one of my teachers found it necessary to contact my parents, there was absolutely no way I was going to weasel out of it! It was guilty as charged from the moment that phone rang.