Crispus
Not sure I can add anything to the immediate discussion other than my sympathy that this situation has dampened your Christmas holiday.
But, on a related note: DW and I did our wills a couple of years ago. The process forced us to think about a lot of things which impinge on your (and I'm sure many other folks') situations.
We long ago decided that most of what remained of our estates would go to the various charities we've supported (while we're still here to follow their good works). To our kids, we will leave a relatively small but not insignificant amount - maybe enough for the down payment on a sensible house, but who knows by then.
Separate from our wills, DW and I decided how much we would provide to our kids (a dollar amount, possibly COLA'd) while we are still living. When that amount is gone, it's GONE. This amount would be given, as needed, for such things as wedding, school loan repayment, house down payment, etc. We would, of course, be able to say "No!" at any time, even if there were money still available in our "fund". So, if, for instance, one child want's a fabulous wedding, they may not receive a house down payment from us, etc. Also, if one kid wants to start a business, we would want to see their business plan (and agree with it) before assisting them with the funding.
Only tricky part is communication of Mom and Dad's "policy" decision. We do plan to have the "talk" about this with each child, but we will not discuss the amount. We'll let them know it's "significant" but not "bottlomless".
This "fund" also provides Roth IRA's for each kid. As long as they keep them up, we will continue to fund the Roths. That's non-negotiable. Bust an IRA and all further funding ceases, but the amount which would have been used to fund future IRAs will be subtracted from the "number" we originally set.
Manipulative? Darn right, it is, but it's ours to manipulate with. I hate to put it in these terms, but money is a lever which can be used to help your kids "grow up" even when they no longer live with you.
Is this the "best" or "right" way to pass on family blessings? We'll let you know when we're in our '90s, heh, heh.
I sincerely hope that your situation works out and that you and DD are somehow drawn closer through this trying time. Bless both of you.